Sunday, July 9, 2017

Suitmation IV: Conqueror of the Steppe

Suitmation IV: Conqueror of the Steppe 
by William D. Tucker

got this chunky thing all in my belly
don't know if my guts are just in revolt 'gainst them rubbery steaks
if it's them downwinder contaminated sands I rode through as an on-camera conqueror of the steppe
back in '56
when I still looked my prime even
I think . . . this is the last ride.

whatever makes my belly looks like I'm with child
they girdle me the hell up
put me on that horse
put the pro-rider on the hard-drivin' scenes to be filmed at a distance
I just have to bring the emotions for the close-ups where I get shot all to shit
the script or some damn thing

you know
so much depends on this goddamn girdle
no one talks about the strategically placed cue cards,
or all the stunt doubles,
or all the racist shit I talk on set,
but once those pinko scandal rag reporters put word out about that girdle-

-I mean,
no one seems to bring up the fact I never served in the military
aside from making patriotic features
sure, the liberals bring that up,
but not the regular ticket-buying public
they think I won World War II and Korea and Vietnam all in one stroke
wish I could say that I did

okay, I've made that claim with a few drinks in me
makes sense to me
a victory in the heart is just as good as one in the world
gotta walk away proud
even if it's a bad scene

but the scandal rags can make all the fun they want
I swear that girdle keeps me regular
acts as an essential ... counterforce 'gainst them hemorrhoids what narrow the path
I strap on
and it just squeezes all my guts into a tighter confederation
which works double time on them rock-hard shitlogs
to squeeze 'em on down the line
sometimes with enough power to burst the swollen veins blocking up my asshole by main force

but Doc tells me
a lot of that blood
it's coming from deeper inside than it should
but I'll go on a goddamn television commercial to testify to how regular that girdle keeps me
by Christ!

I'm not supposed to die in these movies
I died in one before,
now I'm gonna die in this one

Me and the director got this whole movie machine down to a process
I give him a lot of ideas
most of which he diplomatically leaves aside

I tried to get him to do a gag
where one of the bullets I catch
pops open my girdle
loosing my fat gut
and I fall on the guy what shot me
smothering him

a little bit of poetic justice

Mr. Director listened
like he was actually listening even
and he said he'd find a place for it in the schedule

At some point
this chunky thing in me
will sap out my strength
I might even end up thin again
looking the spitting image of my prime
even as I lie dead as Caesar in my coffin

but even if I don't get back to my most beautiful self
I have the girdle
the goddamn girdle
to squeeze me into a more pleasing shape at all times.
-June-July 2017

Copyright 2017 by William D. Tucker. All rights reserved. Used with permission. 
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