A fan re-dub of Air Force One that changes Harrison Ford’s signature one-liner from “Get off my plane” to “Get off my lawn.”
That’s the only detectable change.
Though there are rumors online that there’s a version that also swaps out Jerry Goldsmith’s score for Danny Elfman’s score from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but this is unconfirmed as of this writing.
. . . when you don’t Ouija board with them on the regular, and then they’re super passive-aggressive towards you when you finally do get in touch.
Ghosts complain.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA REBRANDS AS A FAILED TRUMP CASINO . . . THEOLOGIANS DISCOVER FIFTH HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE KNOWN AS ‘THE GAMBLER’ . . . “I’M AFTER THAT SENSE OF EARNED ACHIEVEMENT, MY DUDE” CLIMATE INFERNO, IN A REVEALING PODGRIFT INTERVIEW WHILE DOSED WITH A SLAMMING MIX OF KETAMINE AND AYAHUASCA, EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT THAT HUMANITY MAKES IT TOO DAMN EASY TO LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE . . .
PDA = Public Display of Affection
+
BDA = Battle Damage Assessment
=
PDBDA = Public Display of Battle Damage Affection
. . . militarized dating trends having a moment . . . ?
Big Brother is watching . . . but does he understand what he sees? What’s his level of media literacy? When was he last subjected to a certification ordeal? Is there, indeed, an all-seeing eye at the heart of the Tootsie Roll Pop, or a mere roach turd? Where’s a scholarly cartoon owl when you really need one?
“This Heat Dome is a killer. How’re we supposed to cool off?”
“Hmmm . . . we’re in it, aren’t we?”
“Christ . . . we should just move inside a freezer.”
“Hmmm . . . we could do that . . .”
“Too bad we’re completely busted.”
“ . . . livin’ in a freezer . . . even if we could afford it . . . we’d be bored after awhile . . .”
“Being bored beats spontaneously combusting.”
“ . . . a fair point . . . but shouldn’t life be about . . . I dunno . . . having fun . . .”
“Some go crazy from the heat.”
“ . . . yeah . . .”
“They make it work for them.”
“ . . . sure . . .”
“Promise me something.”
“. . . hmm . . .”
“If I spontaneously combust . . . make sure you get a video of it.”
“ . . . “
“And you post it online. For all to see. That’ll be my legacy.”
“ . . . “
“You hear me?”
“ . . . yeah . . .”
“Okay, then.”
“ . . . no . . . “
“What’s that?”
“No . . . I don’t think I’ll take that video . . .”
“What? Why not?”
“You . . . are mired in pessimism . . . that’s what you are . . .”
“Excuse me?”
“And you’re snippy from the heat . . . “
“I’m snippy?! What do you-”
“You’re not gonna spontaneously combust.”
“How do you know?!”
“I know because I know where we can go to cool off.”
“Oh yeah? And where’s that?”
“Pack your shit. We’re going back.”
“Going back where?!”
“Back to Hell.”
“Back to-what?! You can’t be serious!”
“You want to cool off or what?”
“Oh, great . . .”
“Down in Hell . . . we’ll beat this lousy Heat Dome . . .”
1.Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai (Star Tropics NES OST)
2. Jungle Work/Warren Zevon
3. Briefing Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)
4. Mission 01 Jungle Base/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)
5. Mini Boss Babalu Defense Mechanism/Hidenori Maezawa and Yuichi Sakakura (Super C NES OST)
6. Cutscene Theme 01/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
7. Stage Theme/Toru Hasabe and Minky Motoyama (Rambo NES OST)
8. Boss Battle/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)
9. Title Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)
10. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SNES OST)
11. Napalm Man Stage/Mari Yamaguchi (Mega Man 5 NES OST)
12. Sharp Dressed Man/ZZ Top
13. Desert Planet/Njal Pettersen (Super Star Path OST)
14. Smart Patrol+Mr. DNA/Devo
15. Heat Man Stage/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)
16. Boss Theme Corneria and Meteor/Hajime Hirasawa (Starfox SNES OST)
17. Debbie (U-Tern Instrumental Remix)/ Architecture in Helsinki remixed by U-Tern
18. Battle B2/Ryota Kazuka (Shin Megami Tensei IV OST)
19. Get New Weapon/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)
20. Title Theme/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
21. Carson City/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
22. Boss/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
23. Cave and Dungeon Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)
24. Cutscene Theme 02/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
25. Comfort Eagle/Cake
26. More, More, More/Andrea True Connection
27. Steal My Sunshine/Len
28. Circus (Klungo Remix)/Britney Spears
29. Cutscene Theme 03/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
30. Final Fight (Part One)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
31. Destroy Everything You Touch/Ladytron
32. Final Fight (Part Two)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
33. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SEGA CD OST)
34. Stayin’ Alive (Vaporwave)/Bee Gees
35. Cutscene Theme 04/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
36. Nighttime in the Switching Yard/Warren Zevon
37. Kraken of the Sea/Keiichi Suzuki and Hirokazu Tanaka (EarthBound SNES OST)
38. Where There’s A Whip There’s A Way! (Orc’s Song) /Glenn Yarbrough and Maury Laws (Rankin-Bass’s Return of the King OST)
39. Accretion Disc/Hayato Matsuo (Ogre Battle SNES OST)
40. Battle/Michael Nyman (Enemy Zero OST)
41. “I Love the Sound of Structured Class”/The Paranoid Style
42. I’m Coming Back/The Human League
43. Wily Machine/Yu Shimoda (Mega Man 9 OST)
44. Kagayaku Ouja Dolgiran/Harry Kimura (Space Sheriff Gavan OST)
45. Dungeon Theme (MinjoJinjo Remix)/Yoshio Hirai remixed by MinjoJinjo (Startropics NES OST)
46. Full Moon/2 Tite (Murder Party OST)
47. Darkside/Crazy Town
48. Cave Theme/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
49. Don’t Worry If There’s Hell Below We’re All Gonna Go/Curtis Mayfield
50. Cave Theme 02/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
51. Hell/Squirrel Nut Zippers
52. Cave Theme 03/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
53. The Number of the Beast/Iron Maiden
54. Cave Theme 04/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
55. Hell is For Children/Pat Benatar
56. Cave Theme 05/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
57. Hell/James Brown
58. Cave Theme 06/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
59. Destroying Anything/Negativland
60. Cave Theme 07/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
61. Two Minutes to Midnight/Iron Maiden
62. Cave Theme 08/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
63. My Thang/James Brown
64. Cutscene Theme 05/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
65. The Astral Plane/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)
66. Mirror Man/The Human League
67. Sheltem’s Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)
68. Mystery’s Apotheosis/Fabio Frizzi (City of the Living Dead OST)
69. Star Tropics Dungeon/Cave Theme on Violin and Keyboard/Animalisa Keys cover version of Yoshio Hirai’s composition (Audio from YouTube video uploaded by Animalisa Keys)
. . . back from Hell . . . crackling with arcane power gained from defeating armies of devils and demons and angels . . . you plot your next set of conquests . . . you picture the fall of all the major cities and military installations . . . your desire is endless . . . your ambition Olympian-
-a weight comes upon your foot.
You look down.
A brindle pitbull sits at attention on top of your foot, looking up into your eyes, its whole body vibrating with the anticipation of pets and scratchies.
“Go on,” you say, “I’ve got a world to conquer, mutt, so you move on off my foot.”
“Brrwoowoo!” says the dog.
“I’m sure you’re a good dog. But I’m not here to make friends with you. I’m . . . I gotta . . . uh . . . I mean . . .”
It’s the damnedest thing.
Just a moment ago . . . you were sure you had something important to do.
But now . . .
You kneel down to knead the pitbull’s flank. It jumps up on you, licks your face, and now all you know is this dog and all the walkies, pets, and scratchies you’re gonna give it.
And treats! Don’t forget the treats!
Deep inside your brain . . . something howls . . . but it’s nothing important . . .
Right now the dog is your Everything.
SIDE OVER.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
-n the New Dream I’m the President
I kinda always suspected that
I didn’t have any proof, though, so
I’m in this impressively art directed command and control center
-it’s very Ken Adam-
deep underground
IMAX sized telescreens giving me total perspective on globally scaled fucknesses
wars, climate catastrophe, storms, earthquakes, volcanoes, plagues, famines, network cop shows, alien autopsies, edited for television versions of R-rated movies
I’m trying to maintain a stoic mask of authority
but every time they say fairy godmother in the censored version of Reservoir Dogs
well
I’m waging a one-man War-On-All-Of-The-Tears, ain’t I
a general approaches
“Mr. President.”
I say, “You rang?”
“Mr. President. The situation is critical. We’re beyond Dialectics. We’re well past Quixote. We’re at Multicart. You must give the order, Mr. President!”
I nod grimly. I put some steel into my voice as I say, ”Unleash Fraternity, Liberty, Equality.”
-hard cut to me standing in the unemployment line.
I have only myself to blame.
Nobody elected me to establish Paradise on Earth. That would be driving a stake into the heart of the Protestant Grind Ethic. Which would result in Final Relaxation. Can’t have that.
-hard cut to me standing tall amidst the fires of Climate Inferno.
My meats alchemize into piercingly bright diamond hard surfaces.
A giant mechanical claw grabs me, installs me in the back of the throat of a titanic robot dragon.
The robot dragon is offered at a reasonable price point for the adult collector’s market at all major retailers.
I can’t complain.
Literally-
Q: What is your favorite horror movie?
A: If you’re forcing me to pick just one, then I guess I would choose The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original from 1974. I like it because the killers in it have what you could call a “perverse conservation ethic” which is ironically contrasted against a lawful normie society that runs on an unsustainable consumer system of factory farms, fossil fuels, militarism, and a corrupt and incompetent police state. Leatherface even seems to conserve the souls of his victims by wearing their skins. So, as horrible as they are, Leatherface and his kin do have a system of values that challenges the normie world they are fundamentally at war with . . . and that’s interesting to me. Because the movie didn’t necessarily have to apply itself to such an extent. But it did. And I appreciate that level of effort. I really do.
If you have nuclear weapons . . . and there is someone in your neighborhood who doesn’t have nuclear weapons but wants to get some . . . and then you-who has nuclear weapons-tries to tell your neighbor that they are not allowed to have nuclear weapons . . . well . . . you-the one with nuclear weapons-have a major credibility issue when trying to boss your neighbor around.
Something to keep in mind.
