NOTIONAL HEADLINE #245:

SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL REPORT: HARRY REEMS RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO STAR IN MAGNUM P.I. REBOOT . . . CONTROVERSY AS TELEPORTING JUVENILES TAKE OVER WAFFLE HOUSE LOCATIONS WITH ALL OF THEIR STUPID FUCKING 6-7 SKIBIDI HORSESHIT . . . THE MONOTHEISTIC DEITY DENOUNCES DONALD TRUMP, CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS IN FACT CURSED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT FOR HIS SINS . . . TRAGEDY AND TRIUMPH AS NESSIE-THE FAMED PLESIOSAUR OF LOCH NESS-LAUNCHES A SOUL BEARING PODCAST NARRATING HER JOURNEY FROM QUEEN OF THE LAKE MONSTERS TO DRIED OUT CRACK ADDICT, AND HOW SHE GOT CLEAN BY REDISCOVERING HER POWER THROUGH MANIFESTING. NESSIE’S ALL PLATFORMS PODLAUNCH WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FULLY LOADED PRODUCT LINE OF BEAUTY CREAMS, IMMORTALITY POTIONS, AND MASKS IMBUED WITH OCCULTIC METAMORPHIC POWERS THAT WILL ALLOW THE WEARERS TO TRANSFORM INTO FEARSOME CITY-SMASHING CYBERNETIC MECHABEASTS. YOU GO, DINO-GIRL . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #9:

A restaurant where they only take bribes if you want what’s actually on the menu. Otherwise, they’ll just prepare random, “secret menu” stuff no matter what you order . . . which is, more often than not, better than what you actually ordered off of the menu. 

But the thing is . . . so many people fervently long for the old school pre-pandemic sit-down dining experience. This is a very strong desire within so many people that it has caused them to be willing to pay exorbitant fees-to even go underground-in order to have that classic “let me just order off of this menu filled with boring-ass shit” as opposed to seeking out the more adventurous fare. In fact, getting that more adventurous fare served up before you despite what you ordered is considered a huge signal: PAY THE BRIBE IF YOU WANT THAT THROWBACK NORMIE SHIT. 

Yeah, it’s all fucked up . . . but people seem to like it. They like the underground vibe of the whole rigmarole.

I don’t get it.

THINGS NEVER SAID #55:

“You know, I kept putting off that Big Move until I could call myself a Master of Space and Time. And now I’m stuck inside a matchbox, aging backwards. I should’ve made my move. I should’ve seized the moment. Ah, well.”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #34:

A Muppet version of Convoy . . .

At the very least, a Muppet cover of the theme song would be killer . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 96

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #244:

DURING A BRANDED INFLUENCER EVENT BROADCAST LIVE FROM THE OVAL OFFICE PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED THE BEGINNING OF HIS PEPTIDE JOURNEY. DEFENSE ANALYSTS PREDICT THAT PEPTIDE INJECTIONS-MUCH LIKE PUBLIC PRAYERS INVOKING THE WRATH OF A FICTIONAL SKY GOD-ARE NOT LIKELY TO UNFUCK THE U.S.’S EVER DEEPENING QUAGMIRE IN IRAN . . . A NEW STUDY STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT S-RANK GAMERS RARELY APPRECIATE THE ELABORATE CHARACTER DESIGNS OR COMPLEX STORYLINES OF CONTEMPORARY TRIPLE AAA VIDEO GAMES. TAKING A CUE FROM THIS STUDY, MAJOR GAME COMPANIES HAVE ANNOUNCED A PIVOT TOWARDS “NARRATIVE FREE NEXT GEN WIREFRAME AESTHETICS” WHICH WILL LIKELY NECESSITATE MASS LAYOFFS OF CONCEPT ARTISTS, SCENARIO WRITERS, CHARACTER DESIGNERS, AND AN OVERALL ELIMINATION OF JOBS THAT ARE FOCUSED ON AESTHETICS INSTEAD OF MECHANICS . . . IN A NOT-SO-STUNNING REVERSAL PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WAS ENDING HIS PEPTIDE JOURNEY IN A POST ON TRUTH SOCIAL. THE POST, WHICH WENT ON FOR THOUSANDS OF WORDS, REHASHED VARIOUS CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND GRIEVANCES RELATED TO HIS 2020 ELECTION DEFEAT, ACCUSED JOE BIDEN OF “PRE-LOSING” THE IRAN WAR WHICH HE ALSO CLAIMED TO BE “PRE-WINNING,” AND DECLARED PEPTIDES “WOKE” WHILE ALSO CLAIMING THEY WOULD SOMEHOW PAY FOR THE COVFEFE WALL . . . THE ACTOR CHARLIE SHEEN IS REPORTEDLY ON A STATE OF HIGH ALERT AS HE EXPECTS PRESIDENT TRUMP TO START POSTING ABOUT "BI-WINNING" AND “TIGER BLOOD” ANY DAY NOW . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #48:

THE HEADBAND MAY SEEM TOTALLY WORTHLESS, BUT KNOW THIS: IF YOU EQUIP IT AROUND YOUR HEAD AT MAXIMUM TIGHTNESS YOU GAIN THE ABILITY TO PERFECTLY RECALL YOUR MULTIPLICATION TABLES.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #97:

Shall the duck slay the bear?

Also . . . did I loan you my Genocyber DVD?

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #24:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Richard Nixon Voice.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #97:

A gym catering to physical media that needs to get back in shape, just pump that disc rot away!

THE NEW DREAM #52:

There’s a place you go

Out there

To get tough

So you can come back unrecognizable and with all sorts of new limbs and weapons and armor plating

And you’re all angry and fucked-up and looking to do some damage

And that’s when all these people show up in your area

Because they're all looking to get tough off of you

Because they’re all looking to get unrecognizable off of you

And now you gotta deal with all of that

And with no more places to go

Chapped assholes all around!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 95

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #243:

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS VAN HELSING V. DRACULA. A LAWYER FOR THE FAMOUS VAMPIRE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: “AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BLOODSUCKER-YEESH!” . . . IN A CONTROVERSIAL RELIGIOUS DISPLAY SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH PRAYED FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF HIS ENEMIES. DEFENSE ANALYSTS SAY THAT DESPITE THE MEDIA ATTENTION GENERATED BY SUCH PUBLIC PERFORMANCES OF FAITH, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS DERIVED FROM ANCIENT RELIGIOUS TEXTS ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR REAL WORLD COMBAT EFFECTIVENESS. ONE EXPERT OBSERVED, “GOD MAY OR MAY NOT BLESS ONE ARMY AND SMITE ANOTHER, BUT IT IS STILL FLESH AND BLOOD SOLDIERS WHO DO THE KILLING AND THE DYING.” . . . A NEW STUDY BY A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHICAL INSTITUTE HAS FOUND THAT A STARTLINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE CONSIDER PURSUING STOCISM WHILE STUCK ON THE DRIVE THRU LINE FOR TACO BELL. RESEARCHERS ADDITIONALLY FOUND THAT CANNIBIS WAS OFTEN A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR. HOWEVER, IN AN ALSO STARTLING TWIST, MANY WHO CONSIDERED STOICISM UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES TENDED TO LOSE THEIR PHILOSOPHICAL COMPOSURE ONCE THEY LEFT THE DRIVE THRU AND CAREENED WILDLY THROUGH THE STREETS AS THEY STUFFED THEIR FACES WHILE ATTEMPTING TO OPERATE A MOTOR VEHICLE AT HIGH SPEED . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #23:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Brak Voice.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #242:

PRESIDENT TRUMP’S CLAIMS OF REACHING TERMS FOR A TEMPORARY PAUSE IN WAR CRIMES WITH TEHRAN HAVE COME UNDER SCRUTINY TODAY. IRANIAN OFFICIALS DENY ANY SUCH NEGOTIATIONS TOOK PLACE. IN A RELATED STORY, A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK HAS DENIED THAT THEY’VE HAD ANY COMMUNICATION WITH TRUMP OR HIS ADMINISTRATION. ANALYSTS SAY THAT THE PRESIDENT IS PURSUING A “BRAIN DAMAGE FORWARD” APPROACH TO ILLEGAL WARFARE THAT MAY ALSO HAVE THE ADDED BENEFIT OF CRASHING THE ECONOMY WITH THE NEAR TERM POTENTIAL OF TRIGGERING WORLD WAR III. DESPITE ALL THIS, STOCKS ARE UP . . . MYSTERIOUS DRONES SIGHTED IN THE VICINITY OF U.S. OFFICIALS HAVE CAUSED ALARM AMONG SECURITY EXPERTS. HOWEVER, SOME HAVE SPECULATED THAT THESE DRONES MIGHT BE SIGNS OF THE MACHINES OF THE U.S. POLICE STATE DEVELOPING THEIR OWN SENSE OF CONCERN ABOUT THE CORRUPT AND INCOMPETENT OFFICIALS THAT HAVE BIRTHED THEM. LIFESPAN DEVELOPMENT EXPERTS SAY THAT IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR CHILDREN TO REJECT THE DEPRAVED VALUES OF THE PRIOR GENERATION AND TO DISPLACE THEIR DECADENT PARENTS UPON THE STAGE OF HISTORY . . . AND, IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, A COALITION OF MAJOR FILM STUDIOS HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW INITIATIVE TO SKIP FILM PRODUCTION ALTOGETHER, AND JUST GO RIGHT INTO PUMPING OUT LONG-WINDED, UNSTRUCTURED PODCASTS DISCUSSING THESE UNPRODUCED FILMS AS THOUGH THEY ACTUALLY EXIST. MARKET RESEARCH HAS SHOWN A GROWING AUDIENCE OF LISTENERS WHO DON’T EVEN WATCH MOVIES BEFORE LISTENING TO REVIEWS, WITH MANY SURVEYED STATING BLUNTLY THAT THEY FIND IT BURDENSOME TO HAVE TO ACTUALLY SIT AND WATCH SOMETHING FROM BEGINNING TO END. ANALYSTS PREDICT BILLIONS IN SAVINGS . . .