THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #33:

I’m so depressant that stimulants are too fast to perceive me as I stylishly rob their luxury survival bunkers in slow motion.

THINGS NEVER SAID #67:

“I’m Nobody-Rides-for-Free in the streets, and epizoochory in the sheets!”

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #33:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Freddy Krueger voice.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #54:

War is war. You can say a war is not a war. But war is war.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #45:

Turner & Hooch vs Son of Sam . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #268:

OPINION/COMMENTARY: LIFE WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED IN THIS NATION IF I COULD HAVE AN EPIC SHOWDOWN WITH AT LEAST TWO FEARSOME MECHABEASTS PER EPISODE BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER THE EYECATCH. BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, THAT FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW? I’M KINDA JUST MARKING TIME ‘TIL THE HUGE DUST-UP IN THE SECOND HALF. BUT IF I’M DESTROYING A WORTHY ENEMY RIGHT AS THAT EYECATCH HITS? BOOM! I’M PUMPED FOR THE SECOND HALF-WHICH ALSO CLIMAXES WITH ME ANNIHILATING AN EVEN TOUGHER BOSS ENEMY. A DOUBLE CLIMAX EVERY EPISODE, GUARANTEED. NOTHING FINER. OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, SOME ENEMIES’LL TAKE UP BOTH HALVES OF THE PROGRAM. SOME GOTTA BE MORE SPECIAL THAN THE REST. THAT’S FINE. BUT I’M TELLING YOU: WE DOUBLE UP ON THE BOSS BATTLES WE CAN REALLY GET THIS THING JUMPIN’. ALSO: MORE ACTION FIGURES MEANS MORE MERCH MEANS THAT MONEY JUST GETS EASIER AND EASIER. THE MORE I FIGHT THE MORE I WIN-HAW! HAW! HAW!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #116:

A successful triple Axel is brought up on charges of executing an axiomatic shopping cart.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #32:

I’m so pandemic bread bakes me.

THINGS NEVER SAID #66:

“If there’s a frameable participation certificate involved I won’t just be there with bells on-I’ll become a bell wearing this rough melange of meats’n’juices in high style!”

F.A.Q. #35:

Q: What is your opinion on jump scares in horror movies?

A: Some work, some don’t. Some people like ‘em, some people don’t. I would describe myself as “jump scare agnostic.”

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #53:

REMEMBER: YOU ALWAYS CARRY TWO BURDENS: VICTORY AND DEFEAT.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #102:

Could it be that the Genocyber DVD dreamed me into existence to become its perfect owner?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #267:

PRESIDENT TRUMP THREATENED TO DEPLOY TREASURY SECRETARY SCOTT BESSENT’S EPIC ERMAHGERD FACE TO COW THE PEOPLE OF CANADA INTO SUBMISSION. ECONOMIC WARFARE EXPERTS SAY THIS IS YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MR. TRUMP’S UNPRODUCTIVE PERFORMATIVE PUD-PULLING THAT MAY BE INTENDED TO DISTRACT AMERICANS FROM THEIR RAPIDLY DECLINING WAGES, HEALTH, AND HAPPINESS. A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE PRESIDENT SPEAKING UNDER CONDITION OF ANONYMITY SAID, “THE PEOPLE VOTED TO BURN DOWN THEIR OWN HOUSE BACK IN THE FALL OF 2024-MAY AS WELL ENJOY THE FINAL ACT OF THIS INFERNAL CLOWN SHOW!” . . . STOCKS ARE UP . . .

THE NEW SIGNAGE #37:

VORTEX OF BLARNEY, NONSENSE, AND WHIMSY NEXT 2 EXITS.

MANDATORY RULE #23:

All Bloomberg Terminals shall now come with Doom, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and Tetris pre-installed.

This I command!