MANDATORY RULE #21:

Breakfast is now no longer the most important meal of the day. It is now (actual)breakfast . . . but it’s a custom version of the word that only I know how to operate. The rest of you will have to settle for crappy (pseudo)breakfast.

Oh, it’ll look and taste and feel and smell just like (actual)breakfast . . . except, upon the eating, there will bloom within you the tiniest of acidic doubts about whether what you just ate was a real breakfast or not. 

Not a grandiose philosophical doubt that would permit you to attain glory by speaking about it to large crowds-just a piddly thing you’re too proud to admit is really eating you up inside. You’re bigger than that, right? Sure you are . . .

But it shall incrementally corrode you from the inside until you are nothing but a whisper of a husk of a set of costumes and gestures perfectly imitating the actual being you once were-so perfectly, that no one will ever notice. Even you will fail to notice over time. 

Meanwhile . . . heh, heh, heh . . . I’ve got (actual)breakfast all to myself.

And soon enough I’ve set my sights on lunch and dinner!

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #255:

A NEW STUDY STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT AMERICANS ARE INCREASINGLY MORE LIKELY TO SKIP LITERACY IN FAVOR OF YELLING NONSENSICAL STRINGS OF MISMATCHED SYLLABLES AT PEOPLE . . . THE BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF THE BACKROOMS HAS SPARKED RUMORS OF A PROPOSED SEQUEL STARRING YOUTUBE’S OWN RICH EVANS FEATURING ORIGINAL SONGS BY TAY ZONDAY . . . TURNING NOW TO AMERICA’S NEWEST FOREVER WAR WITH IRAN, DONALD TRUMP’S SLEEPY EYED ATTEMPTS TO OUTNAP THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT DURING CABINET MEETINGS HAS SEEMINGLY RESULTED IN THE U.S. PRESIDENT SPENDING MORE QUALITY TIME COMMUNING WITH THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN IN A NIGHTMARISH GOLF RESORT-ESQUE TORTURESCAPE OF DEPRAVITY, DECEIT, AND AVARICE . . . HIRING WAS UP IN MAY, WHILE WAGES FOR THE AVERAGE WORKER CONTINUED TO STAGNATE AS PART OF A MULTIGENERATIONAL TRENDLINE. MEANWHILE, STOCKS ARE UP . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #105:

A reverse curfew.

THE CONSTANT.

Friends betray you.

Parents abandon you.

Marriages end.

Prayers go unanswered.

Beauty fades.

Pets die.

Time runs.

Climate Inferno burns ever hotter.

Jobs go extinct.

Money goes poof.

Armies break ranks and retreat.

Flags fray, colors running, not even good to use for toilet paper, or to blow your nose-scarcely worth burning when it gets right down to it.

Nations rise and fall.

Game Boy endures.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #38:

A fan re-edit/re-mix/re-dub of the Star Wars movie/TV/gaming/animation franchise wherein the one major change is having Palpatine re-dubbed by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

F.A.Q. #31:

Q: My God . . . where do I go from here?

A: To the bathroom.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 104

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #50:

IF, DURING YOUR QUEST, YOU FIND YOUR FUNDS RUNNING LOW YOU MIGHT CONSIDER TAKING ON VARIOUS PART TIME JOBS AT STAGNATION WAGES. SURE, YOU’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SLEEP IN YOUR CAR OR IN THE CEILING CRAWLSPACE AT THE JOBSITE, BUT RENT SAVINGS MIGHT GIVE YOU ENOUGH TO KEEP ON FIGHTING SKELETONS, ZOMBIES, DRAGONS, AND WIZARDS.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #99:

Don’t lie to me.

Did you steal my Genocyber DVD?

Only to have it stolen from you by a bear?

And then that bear was slain by the mercenaries hired by the viceroy?

And that viceroy ended up being nothing but a pawn being manipulated by a conspiracy of ducks and moths?

Just tell me the truth.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #254:

FOLLOWING A MASSIVE LAUNCH PAD EXPLOSION IN CAPE CANAVERAL, INVOLVED ROCKET ENGINEERS ARE REPORTED TO BE LEAVING NASA AND SEEKING EMPLOYMENT ON AN IN-DEVELOPMENT POWER RANGERS-ESQUE TV SHOW. ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, A SOURCE SAID, “WE’RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA GET YOU TO THE MOON IN ONE PIECE ANYTIME SOON, BUT WE CAN DEFINITELY MAKE THOSE RUBBERY MONSTERS EXPLODE REAL DAMN GOOD” . . . ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY OUT TODAY A GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS ARE QUESTIONING WHY THEY SHOULD OBEY LAWS AND SOCIAL NORMS WHEN PRESIDENTS ILLEGALLY BOMB CIVILIAN POPULATIONS OVERSEAS WITH NO KNOWN OVERSIGHT OR CONSEQUENCES . . . IN RELATED NEWS, AUDIENCES AT SHITTY OPEN MIC COMEDY SHOWS ALL OVER THE U.S. ARE REPORTED TO BE SPONTANEOUSLY STANDING UP AND DOING THEIR TIGHT FIVES IN DIRECT COMPETITION WITH WHOEVER HAPPENS TO BE ONSTAGE. THIS OFTEN RESULTS IN AUDIENCE MEMBERS COMPETING WITH OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS TRIGGERING A CHAIN REACTION OF “PEOPLE JUST DOING STAND-UP ALL OVER EACH OTHER IN ONE GIANT MASS” AS ONE EYEWITNESS DESCRIBED THE SCENE AT A HOTEL BASEMENT BAR IN FLORIDA. SOME SOCIAL RESEARCHERS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS AS A FAD, WHILE OTHERS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS AS “EVOLUTION VISIBLE, HECKLING MUTATING INTO STAND-UP BEFORE OUR VERY EYES” . . . 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #104:

That time in your life when you were weirdly inspired by the Next Level Suck that reigned all throughout the nation.

THE NEW DREAM #57:

It’s a bad remake of “Young Goodman Brown” for 2026. Instead of gathering deep within some primeval dark forest of the soul, Me and all the other assholes are telling bullshit stories out on the golf course . . .

I burn the bridge because it’s there

I slam the door in a face because I can

I start the war to start the war

I rob the taxpayers to rob the taxpayers

I cheat on the wifey-poo to cheat on the wifey-poo

I go back on the drive-thru line because I’m actually ordering the anger, ‘cause the food doesn’t taste like anything, I could drop twenty bucks for a week’s worth of pretty okay microwave meals, but no, I’m ordering that bridge burning stuff

I ignore the traffic laws just because

I kick the friendly dog so the world knows I’m a villain . . . even though I don’t have the guts to actually admit publicly that I kicked the dog

My vanity isn’t totally gone

And, also, y’know . . . people don’t seem to much care about the other things

But people will show up at your house if they find out you’re kicking dogs

No joke

They’ll walk right out of their wedding, their Mom’s funeral, the birth of their first child, doesn’t matter, come right to your damn dumb house if they get a certain kind of notification on their phone, and bury your whole block in hot brass just to send the message

No joke

We’re all kicking the dog . . . we just don’t broadcast it

Nathaniel Hawthorne’s at peace. Not a bit of spin inside that grave. I’m resentful. I really wanted to get his goat. Instead, I’m trapped on a golf course, running my mouth, scratching my nuts, I’m not even trying to play golf properly. I just walk up to the hole, kneel, carefully deposit the ball in the hole, and then glory in the wild applause.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #26:

Eating the sandwich early in the day . . . and then discovering I still got the little bag of chips in the evening.

F.A.Q. #30:

Q: Do you know you have great hair?

A: I did know that, but thanks for asking . . . and I’ll go ahead and tell you my secret: when I’m in the shower I massage shampoo and conditioner into my scalp. When my scalp starts to tingle I know it’s working.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 103