NOTIONAL HEADLINE #233:

MOTHMAN, IN A RECENT CONTROVERSIAL PODGRIFT INTERVIEW, EXPRESSED DEEP RESENTMENT TOWARDS BOTH THE ‘CONSPIRACY THEORY COMMUNITY’ AND ‘THOSE URBAN LEGENDS PEOPLE,’ WHILE ALSO PUSHING HIS OWN LINE OF BRANDED ATHLEISURE WEAR.

EMERGENCE #7:

. . . years after the Battle of Burnguy Mall, Snak had convinced himself that he saw the poster of the girl balancing a knife on her fingertip after he couldn’t get his severely injured hands to pick up the gun. Basically, Snak was just gonna lay down and die, but then he saw the poster up on the back wall of the physical media store, and that gave him enough energy to walk out of Burnguy Mall and eventually be rescued by one or more unidentified Good Samaritan(s).

But we have numerous earlier accounts in which Snak told interviewers that he tried to pick up the gun after seeing the poster of the girl balancing the knife on her fingertip. In other words, Snak’s inability to use his hands is the more immediate cause of his decision to leave Burnguy Mall, perhaps to seek help or perhaps to stumble to his end somewhere outside the mall.

Snak also claimed both the poster and his nonfunctional hands as coequal factors in his decision to leave the mall.

Snak also seemed to admit to his own confusion over his memories of this difficult time in his life during at least one after dinner speaking engagement . . . a confusion he also strenuously denied on several other occasions, including during a promotional tour for his band A Brontosaurus in Sheboygan.

Further complicating matters is the possibly fictitious widely licensed nature of Snak. There have been so many spinoffs and alternate reality versions and bootlegs and remixes and ripoffs and hoax-i-fied versions of Snak that it is hard to determine which-if any-one of him was present at the Battle of Burnguy Mall in the first, middle, and last place . . .

THE NEW OBVIOUS #46:

The sooner Trump leaves the White House, the sooner we can try something else.

Maybe the Couch Man will be even worse, but at least he speaks in complete sentences.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #232:

POP CULTURE HYPE ALERT SECTION: THE JUST ANNOUNCED IRON LUNG 2 IS SET TO STAR YOUTUBE’S OWN RICH EVANS WITH ORIGINAL SONGS BY TAY ZONDAY . . . BILL COSBY IS REPORTED TO BE INCREASING HIS INTAKE OF ANTIOXIDANT-ENHANCED JELLO PUDDING SO HE CAN LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO HEADLINE THE REFURBISHED TRUMP-KENNEDY CENTER . . . AND THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN ANNOUNCES A NEW GROK-GENERATED ‘YOUTH-FOCUSED FILM FRANCHISE’ TO BE PRODUCED BY BRETT RATNER, DIRECTED BY WOODY ALLEN, SCRIPTED BY NOAM CHOMSKY AND STEVE BANNON; WITH PETER ATTIA AS LONGEVITY COACH; LAWRENCE M. KRAUSS AS SCIENCE ADVISOR; BILL GATES PROVIDING TECH SUPPORT; HOWARD LUTNICK AS FUNDRAISER; BARRY WEISS ON PUBLICITY; ALAN DERSHOWITZ LAWYERING UP A STORM; ELON MUSK SUPPLYING THE SPECIAL K; FEATURING AN EPIC THEME SONG BY THE I.C.E. DEATH SQUAD’S MEN’S CHOIR WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS BY BILL CLINTON; AND HOSTED BY DONALD JOHN TRUMP . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 94

THINGS NEVER SAID #51:

“Welcome to the Blog Level of Godding.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #231:

WELCOME, ACTUAL DAMN HUMANS, TO THE HEADLINES: “BUT WHERE WILL MY SWEET BOYS SING?” MUSIC DIRECTOR FOR I.C.E. DEATH SQUAD’S MEN’S CHOIR DISMAYED BY TRUMP’S ANNOUNCEMENT OF KENNEDY CENTER CLOSURE IN JULY . . . “WAIT. AM I STILL IN THE NEWS CYCLE?” NICOLAS MADURO SPENDS TIME IN JAIL PONDERING WEIGHTY EXISTENTIAL CONUNDRUMS . . . “ALL IS FORGIVEN.” BAD BUNNY’S ANTI-I.C.E. GRAMMYS SPEECH EARNS PRAISE EVEN FROM DISGRUNTLED COACHELLA ATTENDEES . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #93:

The party that needs neither hosts nor guests.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #46:

I WONDER WHAT THE PEOPLE WILL SEE IN THE FINAL DAYS.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #95:

What will the people of the future think of us?

THE NEW OBVIOUS #45:

Republicans love to bash federal overreach . . . unless they’re the ones doing the overreaching.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 93

 

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #33:

Theme of Intermittently Funky Mercenaries: BGM/Menu by George “The Fat Man” Sanger (Swords and Serpents NES OST)

You shout it to the world, “I’M ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY! I’VE NO FUCKS TO GIVE!”

. . . but you’ll probably do the right thing in the end.

Most of the time.

Look, uhhh . . . you didn’t become a wandering soldier of fortune because you wanted to die in your sleep or in a bed in some for-profit hospital. 

Nor were you the sort to feel a swelling of joy in your chest as you imagined your perfect wedding ceremony complete with choreographed groomsmen and bridesmaids entering to the action movie music from The Life Aquatic. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got bank accounts set up to provide for the bastards you’ve strewn across the overworld map-you’re not a total louse . . . except when you are . . . 

Look, some people don’t like church and state and taxes and tithes.

Some of us ain’t feeling it when some boss or supervisor convinces themselves they’re a king. 

Some of us just aren’t scared of badges or presidents or prime ministers or dictators-for-life . . . though we’ll gladly take their money . . . 

To be an outlaw is to be an outsider of a kind, ideally an outsider by choice . . . but why’s it sting when people sling words like ‘psychopath’ or ‘bloodlust’ or ‘thug-for-hire’ . . .

Look, even if you don’t always choose to defend the peasant farmers against the robber barons and marauders of this world . . . even if you end up on the wrong side of some regional conflagration . . . at least you can enjoy all the gory details of your own defeat.

People who care too much . . . there’s a risk they may not bounce back from devastation. 

You have a dream where all of the flags are burning . . . all of the nations are falling . . . people are losing their minds in the streets . . . but you’ve got a thousand fake passports, and a thousand safe houses, and a thousand bank accounts . . . and soon enough the sweatshops are manufacturing new flags, and the lawyers and the oligarchs are concocting new nations . . . What's everybody shouting about? Seems pretty orderly after a few cycles . . .

You know how it all works, and how it doesn’t.

You have your place, until you don’t, but you kinda prefer living rough these days.

You’ll even get a chance to be the hero every other cycle.

And it only gets funnier to you each run . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #230:

ENTERTAINMENT SCOOP ZONE: NEXT INSTALLMENT OF SCREAM FRANCHISE TO FEATURE A LIQUID METAL GHOSTFACE . . . NEW STUDY SHOWS STRONG CORRELATION BETWEEN THE PLANETARY DEATH SPIRAL OF ENDSTAGE CAPITALISM AND THE FINANCIAL SUCCESS OF HUNGER GAMES SEQUELS, PREQUELS, SIDEQUELS, SPINOFFS, RIPOFFS, AND VARIOUS ANCILLARY MERCHANDISING GAMBITS. IN OTHER WORDS: AUDIENCES RELATE . . . DESPITE INITIAL RUMORS A THOROUGH INVESTIGATION REVEALS THE BONE TEMPLE TO NOT BE AN ADULT FILM . . . COUNT DRACULA, IN AN EPICALLY CATTY PODGRIFT INTERVIEW, ACCUSES THE TOP OSCAR CONTENDER SINNERS OF ‘RIDING HIS CAPE’ . . . THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN IS IN TALKS WITH MELANIA DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER TO GET HIS OWN CINEMATIC GLAZING . . .

SIMPLE PLEASURES #20:

I keep on watching the Rebuild of Evangelion movies until I’ve convinced myself I actually like ‘em . . . 

10,000 years after the last Blu-Ray Player has died . . .