SIMPLE PLEASURES #33:

Growing my hair down to my ass, then striding in glorious slow motion by the barber shop over and over and over again . . .

F.A.Q. #36:

Q: Your hair is amazing! How do you get it to look like that?

A: Every last strand is inserted into my scalp with utmost care and precision by a set of teams of hair installation experts who work in dedicated shifts so as not to tire out their eyes and hands each and every day. It’s hard work. My scalp fights these heroes every step of the way. ‘Tis an ornery scalp. But my teams of hair installation experts have strategy, tenacity, and years of experience to counteract the reactionary armed resistance of my scalp . . . tho’, it must be said, many have given their lives that I might rock this kingly mane for all the world to see, to enjoy, and to worship. Let their names and their works be honored ‘til the end of time!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #269:

OPINION/COMMENTARY: THERE MUST BE NO FURTHER DELAY. THE TRUTH MUST BE TOLD. FOR YEARS, I KEPT REFERRING TO THE RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH GUY AS KEN BONE. I HAVE NO EXCUSE. I WAS WRONG. KEN BONE AND THE RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH GUY ARE, LIKE, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GUYS. I SUPER MESSED THAT UP BIG TIME. I TOTALLY GET THAT NOW. BUT NOW THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO VOICE MY UNWAVERING SUPPORT FOR A RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH GUY/KEN BONE PRESIDENTIAL TICKET COME 2028.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #117:

Falling rocks that yearn to fly.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #33:

I’m so depressant that stimulants are too fast to perceive me as I stylishly rob their luxury survival bunkers in slow motion.

THINGS NEVER SAID #67:

“I’m Nobody-Rides-for-Free in the streets, and epizoochory in the sheets!”

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #33:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Freddy Krueger voice.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #54:

War is war. You can say a war is not a war. But war is war.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #45:

Turner & Hooch vs Son of Sam . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #268:

OPINION/COMMENTARY: LIFE WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED IN THIS NATION IF I COULD HAVE AN EPIC SHOWDOWN WITH AT LEAST TWO FEARSOME MECHABEASTS PER EPISODE BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER THE EYECATCH. BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, THAT FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW? I’M KINDA JUST MARKING TIME ‘TIL THE HUGE DUST-UP IN THE SECOND HALF. BUT IF I’M DESTROYING A WORTHY ENEMY RIGHT AS THAT EYECATCH HITS? BOOM! I’M PUMPED FOR THE SECOND HALF-WHICH ALSO CLIMAXES WITH ME ANNIHILATING AN EVEN TOUGHER BOSS ENEMY. A DOUBLE CLIMAX EVERY EPISODE, GUARANTEED. NOTHING FINER. OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, SOME ENEMIES’LL TAKE UP BOTH HALVES OF THE PROGRAM. SOME GOTTA BE MORE SPECIAL THAN THE REST. THAT’S FINE. BUT I’M TELLING YOU: WE DOUBLE UP ON THE BOSS BATTLES WE CAN REALLY GET THIS THING JUMPIN’. ALSO: MORE ACTION FIGURES MEANS MORE MERCH MEANS THAT MONEY JUST GETS EASIER AND EASIER. THE MORE I FIGHT THE MORE I WIN-HAW! HAW! HAW!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #116:

A successful triple Axel is brought up on charges of executing an axiomatic shopping cart.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #32:

I’m so pandemic bread bakes me.

THINGS NEVER SAID #66:

“If there’s a frameable participation certificate involved I won’t just be there with bells on-I’ll become a bell wearing this rough melange of meats’n’juices in high style!”

F.A.Q. #35:

Q: What is your opinion on jump scares in horror movies?

A: Some work, some don’t. Some people like ‘em, some people don’t. I would describe myself as “jump scare agnostic.”

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #53:

REMEMBER: YOU ALWAYS CARRY TWO BURDENS: VICTORY AND DEFEAT.