FUN YOU CAN HAVE #22:

First, become a widely acclaimed bestselling literary author. Make sure you’re also hailed as a generational talent. 

Next, start an exclusive literary workshop that will no doubt pick and choose the next generation of literary rockstars.

Once you’ve established your elite class of acolytes to carry on the torch of your supreme excellence, lay down bedrock foundational precepts of what constitutes great genius-type writing. I’ll let you sort out most of the details, but among them you must include this inviolable rule: At the height of their crisis, the protagonist MUST call the Psychic Friends Network. There will be no exceptions or substitutions. 

Once you have indoctrinated the next generation of authors, simply kick back and enjoy the flood of cookie cutter doorstoppers pumped out by publishers desperate to replicate your grandiose achievements as per formulas and precepts laid out by your very own writer’s workshops.

In future times, literary historians shall fuss and fumble over why there were so many trendy novels in which questions of war, peace, crime, punishment, identity, the climate crisis, and whether the dress was blue or gold were all resolved by a simple pay-per-minute call to the Psychic Friends Network . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #240:

“JUST BROWN BAG IT. YOU CAN PUT A SANDWICH IN TIN FOIL. JUICE BOX. A COOKIE. MAYBE THREE COOKIES. I WOULD PROBABLY JUST END UP EATING THE COOKIES, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BUT NO, A SANDWICH IS FINE. I’M A PICKY EATER. BUT A SANDWICH IS FINE.” PRESIDENT TRUMP TODAY PROVIDED A LASER FOCUS ON LUNCH PRACTICES WHEN ASKED ABOUT EUROPEAN ALLIES’ LACK OF APPETITE FOR DEPLOYING MILITARY PERSONNEL TO IRAN . . . “IT WAS A REAL SNAPPER, LET ME TELL YOU!” AN UNUSUALLY RELAXED AND CANDID VICE PRESIDENT VANCE SPOKE LONGINGLY AND LOVINGLY ABOUT HIS FIRST COUCH. SOME HAVE SPECULATED THIS WAS A TACTIC TO AVOID ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DEEPENING U.S. QUAGMIRE IN IRAN, BUT A GROWING NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRID SIGHTINGS IN THE WHITE HOUSE VICINITY SUGGEST OTHERWISE . . . A WHISTLEBLOWER REPORT ALLEGES THAT ADDERALL SNORTING WHITE HOUSE INTERNS ARE USING CHEAT CODES TO OBTAIN THE VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE USED IN PRO-WAR PROPAGANDA VIDEOS PROMOTED BY BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND THE PENTAGON. ALTHOUGH THE U.S. WAR ON IRAN IS WIDELY CONSIDERED TO BE BOTH UNCONSTITUTIONAL AND A WAR CRIME, MANY BELIEVE THAT THIS AFFRONT TO GAMERS’ HONOR WILL BE WHAT FINALLY BRINGS DOWN THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY . . .

OPTIONAL RULE #12:

More fictional narratives should allow their protagonists the option of calling the Psychic Friends Network to help them resolve their problems.

Think about Joker: Folie a Deux. Remember when Joaquin Phoenix leaves a message on Lady Gaga’s answering machine? (Come on, I know at least three or four of you actually sat through this atom bomb . . .) What if he had dialled the Psychic Friends Network instead? He might’ve saved himself a lot of heartache. Plus you could’ve had Lady Gaga do a cover of Dionne Warwick’s “Walk On By.”

Imagine if Mulder and/or Scully could’ve dialled the Psychic Friends Network. They could’ve slimmed those episodes of The X-Files down from the hour slot to the half-hour position snug up against The Simpsons. Then you would have the unbeatable Simpsons/X-Files Hour on Sundays, which would leave you with some extra late night drinking time, and give you a leg-up on your Monday-Morning-End-of-History-Hung-the-Fuck-Over-At-Work routine.

And what about all those giant monster movies? If people could consult with the Psychic Friends then they would have plenty of time to move those buildings out of the way before Godzilla comes ashore or whatever.

Overall, I think this is a fantastic Optional Rule, and I rate it very highly as such!

SIMPLE PLEASURES #23:

When they forget to give you hot sauce packets after you go through the Taco Bell drive thru, and you’re seething with rage . . . just take a breath. 

Relax. 

Luxuriate in the sure knowledge that you are now free to eat’n’drive.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #49:

Any war planner knows that if you bomb civilian populations the slaughter that inevitably results is no accident. Such atrocity is explicitly understood to be part of the program. Anyone from a government conducting such bombings who tells you that non-combatants are dying “accidentally” or that they have been targeted “mistakenly” is making a conscious decision to lie to you.

THINGS NEVER SAID #54:

“Well, Your Honor, once I put on that gleaming steel Ronald McDonald Reagan helmet-mask, that bulletproof science fiction jock strap, the boots with the fur, and then they put a gun in my hand? I mean, sweetie, what did you think was going to happen? I’m not saying I’m innocent. But I do have a question for you: how exactly does one stay pristine in a guilty world? I wish I knew the answer to that one, Big Dawg Your Honor! Ha, ha, ha, ah, yes . . . what’s that? You’re sentencing me to 10,000 simultaneous death penalties? Wow, you’re really earning those robes today, and not just settling for the fashion statement. I’m impressed. But do I agree with this sentencing? Hmmmm . . . you know what? I can dig it . . . dig my own grave! Woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo! . . . um, could I borrow your gavel for just a moment, Your Honor? When I’m doing the woo-hoos I prefer to be smashing myself in the head with a large hammer, but, uh, they wouldn’t let me bring my props trunk here into the courtroom. And you’ve such a kindly, freshly laundered sock of a face. I figured-huh? That’s a no? Well, like, maybe you could just walk yourself over here and vigorously smash me all about the skullular region-I’m telling you this is always the perfect bit to end on, Big Dawg, pretty much guarantees me an encore every time I do it. Oh, wait, the uniformed guys are dragging me off to a better place, I’m sure. Say, friend, you wouldn’t mind hittin’ me in the skull with that club as I do a reprise of my woo-hoos, would you . . . ?”

PLACES YOU CAN GO #7:

An unrecorded record store . . .

MANDATORY RULE #19:

True Crime content creators who specialize in Serial Killers will now be required to cover any and all U.S. Presidents who authorize military actions that slaughter civilian populations.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #239:

SATIRICAL HEADLINE FAILS TO CAPTURE THE HORRORS OF WAR.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #32:

ALLEREGRETTO

A Maltese falcon gagging on a silver spoon perches upon a big brass ring atop the Tower of Babel erected as part of a downtown revitalization project in the heart of a shining city on a hill which has been oh-so-wisely sited upon a house of cards soaked in gasoline-

Cross-fade to a higher realm of flavor . . .

You bump into Orson Welles at the all-you-can-eat country buffet in Heaven. He’s puffing on a cigar, so you ask him for a match. 

Later that evening . . .

A massive fire burns out of control, destroying the house of cards and all that it supports in spectacular fashion.

Meanwhile, back at the buffet . . .

Welles smashes a burning Maltese falcon over and over again with his cane as the cursed bird tries again and again to peck out his eyeballs. 

Cue the allegretto bit from Beethoven’s No. 7 . . .

You tower above all things as a shining titan of destruction. Major media outlets interview you.Your followers defend you no matter how destructively stupid your decisions are-for they are ordained by the Shining Fate of Avarice! Critics accuse you of being a derivative sellout. Historians relegate you to a footnote. Your exes execrate you.You make fancy hand gestures that people interpret as Illuminati signals. Rosicrucians and Rotarians feel left out of the discourse. By the time you enter your singer-songwriter phase some other shining titan of destruction has seized the spotlight, rolling around in the ashes’n’rubble, smashing dumptruck’n’tank against each other, imitating the voices of Optimus Prime’n’Megatron, making explosion sound effects-

And the popular audience finds itself suffused with an irrational desire to give their antediluvian Zardoz DVDs a spin . . .

SIMPLE PLEASURES #22:

Convincing my director that I am both the star and the understudy through sheer force of disguise and virtuosity.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #95:

The continent-sized tire fire that is the essence of U.S. political leadership.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #238:

“WORST REMAKE OF RASHOMON EVER!” A GROWING CONSENSUS OF FILM CRITICS DISAPPROVES OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION’S SHIFTING, CONTRADICTORY ACCOUNTS OF WHY IT HAS DECIDED TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAN. MEANWHILE, A GROWING NUMBER OF THEORY ADDLED ENGLISH DEPARTMENT ACADEMICS DESCRIBE IT AS A “HYPER-POST-MODERN MASTERPIECE FOR THE AGES” . . . IN RELATED NEWS, SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH HAS ORDERED COMBAT BOOTS TO BE RE-DESIGNATED AS “BATTLE FOOTSIES.” THIS DECISION HAS BEEN WIDELY PERCEIVED AS A SLIMY WAY TO DODGE QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION PLANS ON PUTTING BOOTS ON THE GROUND IN IRAN . . . A GOVERNMENT HOTLINE DESIGNED TO ASSIST AMERICANS STRANDED IN THE EVER EXPANDING WAR ZONE OF THE MIDDLE EAST REQUIRED CALLERS TO LISTEN TO SEVERAL MINUTES OF ADS FOR TRUMP-BRANDED CRYPTO-COINS BEFORE PLAYING A PRE-RECORDED MESSAGE INSTRUCTING THE CALLER “NOT TO RELY ON THE GOVERNMENT.” THE HOTLINE HAS RECENTLY BEEN UPGRADED TO ALLOW STRANDED AMERICANS ACCESS TO BETTING MARKETS OFFERING ODDS ON WHETHER OR NOT THEY WILL ESCAPE THE REGIONAL CONFLAGRATION WITH THEIR LIVES . . . PRESIDENT TRUMP, IN A MOVE THAT IS SURE TO INSPIRE CONTROVERSY, HAS ORDERED SPECIAL FORCES TO INSTALL SECRETARY OF STATE MARCO RUBIO AS THE NEW AYATOLLAH OF CUBA. IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT CUBA IS A LONGTIME COMMUNIST REGIME THAT DOES NOT PRACTICE ANY FORM OF THEOCRACY. WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN HIS DECISION, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED BY ORDERING SPECIAL FORCES TO RE-INSTALL RUSH LIMBAUGH AS THE KING OF TALK RADIO. WHEN TOLD THAT RUSH LIMBAUGH PASSED AWAY SOME TIME AGO, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED WITH A LONG, WINDING RAMBLE IN PRAISE OF THE MANY FLAVORS OF SNAPPLE . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #21:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Jimmy Stewart Voice.

THINGS NEVER SAID #53:

“There are these books that I’m never gonna read. They’re filled with equations. I don’t know how to read those things. All my life I’ve felt this large set of gears out there, just turning and churning and grinding away-it’s a machine of fate. I can’t see it. I can only sometimes hear it. I always feel it. It’s out there. I could switch it off if I could read the equations. I know that’s how it would work. But I just can’t get my head around those equations. I don’t even know where to start. And even if I started right now, kept at it, made steady progress-I’m too old to get it together in a timely fashion. I’ve already gone too far down this road of Sunday Funnies, and Sports Sections, and Box Office Top Tens, and Latest Movie Reviews, and Political Opinion Commentaries, and Society Pages, and Celebutante Gossip, and White House Scandals, and Forever Wars in the Middle East-the equations got me right where they want me. They profiled me as the Ultimate Reader of their Precision Narrative Outputs. I’m in my Proper Position. As per the equations. This is where they need me to be. And I’m grateful to have a place where I belong.”