NOTIONAL HEADLINE #242:

PRESIDENT TRUMP’S CLAIMS OF REACHING TERMS FOR A TEMPORARY PAUSE IN WAR CRIMES WITH TEHRAN HAVE COME UNDER SCRUTINY TODAY. IRANIAN OFFICIALS DENY ANY SUCH NEGOTIATIONS TOOK PLACE. IN A RELATED STORY, A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK HAS DENIED THAT THEY’VE HAD ANY COMMUNICATION WITH TRUMP OR HIS ADMINISTRATION. ANALYSTS SAY THAT THE PRESIDENT IS PURSUING A “BRAIN DAMAGE FORWARD” APPROACH TO ILLEGAL WARFARE THAT MAY ALSO HAVE THE ADDED BENEFIT OF CRASHING THE ECONOMY WITH THE NEAR TERM POTENTIAL OF TRIGGERING WORLD WAR III. DESPITE ALL THIS, STOCKS ARE UP . . . MYSTERIOUS DRONES SIGHTED IN THE VICINITY OF U.S. OFFICIALS HAVE CAUSED ALARM AMONG SECURITY EXPERTS. HOWEVER, SOME HAVE SPECULATED THAT THESE DRONES MIGHT BE SIGNS OF THE MACHINES OF THE U.S. POLICE STATE DEVELOPING THEIR OWN SENSE OF CONCERN ABOUT THE CORRUPT AND INCOMPETENT OFFICIALS THAT HAVE BIRTHED THEM. LIFESPAN DEVELOPMENT EXPERTS SAY THAT IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR CHILDREN TO REJECT THE DEPRAVED VALUES OF THE PRIOR GENERATION AND TO DISPLACE THEIR DECADENT PARENTS UPON THE STAGE OF HISTORY . . . AND, IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, A COALITION OF MAJOR FILM STUDIOS HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW INITIATIVE TO SKIP FILM PRODUCTION ALTOGETHER, AND JUST GO RIGHT INTO PUMPING OUT LONG-WINDED, UNSTRUCTURED PODCASTS DISCUSSING THESE UNPRODUCED FILMS AS THOUGH THEY ACTUALLY EXIST. MARKET RESEARCH HAS SHOWN A GROWING AUDIENCE OF LISTENERS WHO DON’T EVEN WATCH MOVIES BEFORE LISTENING TO REVIEWS, WITH MANY SURVEYED STATING BLUNTLY THAT THEY FIND IT BURDENSOME TO HAVE TO ACTUALLY SIT AND WATCH SOMETHING FROM BEGINNING TO END. ANALYSTS PREDICT BILLIONS IN SAVINGS . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #33:

Skibidi Seagal

This is basically a formulaic direct-to-nowhere Steven Seagal movie but with a few enhancements to elevate its contemporary relevance. 

Firstly, Seagal’s signature hand-slappy fighting techniques will be adjusted so that he’s constantly doing 6-7 juggler’s hands. This will no doubt appeal to the youth . . . twenty years from now when their AI doppelgangers start posting piss take videos of so-bad-it’s-good movies on SkyNetTube.

Secondly, Seagal will do a call back to his heroic sacrifice scene in Executive Decision. Basically, Seagal will become infected with a terrorist bio-virus that threatens the whole world. Seagal, in order to save humanity, shall then nobly choose to flush himself down a toilet. What a guy.

But, in the final twist, human culture starts to advance so rapidly that they develop psychic abilities that allow them to vividly re-imagine the past. This allows the species to willfully forget Steven Seagal-who nobody really liked in the first place, I mean the guy always came off as a huge prick in his movies if we’re being honest-and then those same psychic powers will be used to replace the image of Steven Seagal with the image of either George Segal, Stevie Nicks, Katey Sagal, or Stevie van Zandt, depending on which version you happen to torrent. It’ll be a multiple ending type deal. Like Clue. 

Ultimately, when you think back on all those cheesy action movies your ancient flesh’n’blood self used to watch starring George Segal/Stevie Nicks/Katey Sagal/Stevie van Zandt your AI doppelganger self will only have really good memories . . . yeah . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #96:

A U.S. President who will actually look you in the eye and admit that they only want to step on people and expand their personal power for no other reason than they think they are God or a kind of god or god-adjacent at the very least in the context of the public’s declining interest in patronizing sit-down restaurants even as that same public is gripped by intense, intrusively obsessive nostalgia for classic era Rax roast beef sandwiches.

THE NEW DREAM #51:

In the New Dream

Inside the brown bag

there’s sandwich in tin foil

cardboard’n’plastic package of three chocolate chip cookies

juice box

napkins

I’m fine with juice box

the sandwich is okay

but truly-madly-deeply

I just want there to be more cookies inside that tin foil

but I always also eat the sandwich

but I wish it was more cookies

but I also wish it was sandwich

like after I eat the more cookies

there’s one more sandwich

and then there could be more more cookies

but also the next sandwich is made out of cookie dough

like the even next sandwich could be like that

like all out of cookie dough

but also ham, mayo, cheese slice, lose the lettuce if I may speak the truth

Inside the screen

I go to war

I say it’s not a war

I tell Americans stranded in warzones to make me cookie sandwiches

I call it the greatest war

I say Bibi started it

I say no one starts wars except me

I get bigly huge checks from Saudi Crown Prince

I say I end all wars

I say no one’s ever ended more wars

I declare war on people who vote bad

I say I never lost an election

I end the war

I still send more troops over there

I just ended all wars

I declare homecoming parade for troops leaving home to fight the war that I never declared that I already won but I’ll send all the troops over there even as I bring ‘em all home to go back to war

I discover a sandwich inside the war

I wish it was cookies

I always also eat the sandwich

I always find more cookies inside the sandwich

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #241:

FROM THE EDITORIAL BOARD: THERE CAN BE NO MORE DELAY. WE HAVE REACHED THE POINT OF CRISIS. PRESIDENT TRUMP MUST CALL THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK SO HE CAN GET GOOD ADVICE ON HOW TO UNFUCK THE U.S. WAR QUAGMIRE IN IRAN.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #8:

A land of plenty under the bootheel of austerity . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #22:

First, become a widely acclaimed bestselling literary author. Make sure you’re also hailed as a generational talent. 

Next, start an exclusive literary workshop that will no doubt pick and choose the next generation of literary rockstars.

Once you’ve established your elite class of acolytes to carry on the torch of your supreme excellence, lay down bedrock foundational precepts of what constitutes great genius-type writing. I’ll let you sort out most of the details, but among them you must include this inviolable rule: At the height of their crisis, the protagonist MUST call the Psychic Friends Network. There will be no exceptions or substitutions. 

Once you have indoctrinated the next generation of authors, simply kick back and enjoy the flood of cookie cutter doorstoppers pumped out by publishers desperate to replicate your grandiose achievements as per formulas and precepts laid out by your very own writer’s workshops.

In future times, literary historians shall fuss and fumble over why there were so many trendy novels in which questions of war, peace, crime, punishment, identity, the climate crisis, and whether the dress was blue or gold were all resolved by a simple pay-per-minute call to the Psychic Friends Network . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #240:

“JUST BROWN BAG IT. YOU CAN PUT A SANDWICH IN TIN FOIL. JUICE BOX. A COOKIE. MAYBE THREE COOKIES. I WOULD PROBABLY JUST END UP EATING THE COOKIES, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BUT NO, A SANDWICH IS FINE. I’M A PICKY EATER. BUT A SANDWICH IS FINE.” PRESIDENT TRUMP TODAY PROVIDED A LASER FOCUS ON LUNCH PRACTICES WHEN ASKED ABOUT EUROPEAN ALLIES’ LACK OF APPETITE FOR DEPLOYING MILITARY PERSONNEL TO IRAN . . . “IT WAS A REAL SNAPPER, LET ME TELL YOU!” AN UNUSUALLY RELAXED AND CANDID VICE PRESIDENT VANCE SPOKE LONGINGLY AND LOVINGLY ABOUT HIS FIRST COUCH. SOME HAVE SPECULATED THIS WAS A TACTIC TO AVOID ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DEEPENING U.S. QUAGMIRE IN IRAN, BUT A GROWING NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRID SIGHTINGS IN THE WHITE HOUSE VICINITY SUGGEST OTHERWISE . . . A WHISTLEBLOWER REPORT ALLEGES THAT ADDERALL SNORTING WHITE HOUSE INTERNS ARE USING CHEAT CODES TO OBTAIN THE VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE USED IN PRO-WAR PROPAGANDA VIDEOS PROMOTED BY BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND THE PENTAGON. ALTHOUGH THE U.S. WAR ON IRAN IS WIDELY CONSIDERED TO BE BOTH UNCONSTITUTIONAL AND A WAR CRIME, MANY BELIEVE THAT THIS AFFRONT TO GAMERS’ HONOR WILL BE WHAT FINALLY BRINGS DOWN THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY . . .

OPTIONAL RULE #12:

More fictional narratives should allow their protagonists the option of calling the Psychic Friends Network to help them resolve their problems.

Think about Joker: Folie a Deux. Remember when Joaquin Phoenix leaves a message on Lady Gaga’s answering machine? (Come on, I know at least three or four of you actually sat through this atom bomb . . .) What if he had dialled the Psychic Friends Network instead? He might’ve saved himself a lot of heartache. Plus you could’ve had Lady Gaga do a cover of Dionne Warwick’s “Walk On By.”

Imagine if Mulder and/or Scully could’ve dialled the Psychic Friends Network. They could’ve slimmed those episodes of The X-Files down from the hour slot to the half-hour position snug up against The Simpsons. Then you would have the unbeatable Simpsons/X-Files Hour on Sundays, which would leave you with some extra late night drinking time, and give you a leg-up on your Monday-Morning-End-of-History-Hung-the-Fuck-Over-At-Work routine.

And what about all those giant monster movies? If people could consult with the Psychic Friends then they would have plenty of time to move those buildings out of the way before Godzilla comes ashore or whatever.

Overall, I think this is a fantastic Optional Rule, and I rate it very highly as such!

SIMPLE PLEASURES #23:

When they forget to give you hot sauce packets after you go through the Taco Bell drive thru, and you’re seething with rage . . . just take a breath. 

Relax. 

Luxuriate in the sure knowledge that you are now free to eat’n’drive.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #49:

Any war planner knows that if you bomb civilian populations the slaughter that inevitably results is no accident. Such atrocity is explicitly understood to be part of the program. Anyone from a government conducting such bombings who tells you that non-combatants are dying “accidentally” or that they have been targeted “mistakenly” is making a conscious decision to lie to you.

THINGS NEVER SAID #54:

“Well, Your Honor, once I put on that gleaming steel Ronald McDonald Reagan helmet-mask, that bulletproof science fiction jock strap, the boots with the fur, and then they put a gun in my hand? I mean, sweetie, what did you think was going to happen? I’m not saying I’m innocent. But I do have a question for you: how exactly does one stay pristine in a guilty world? I wish I knew the answer to that one, Big Dawg Your Honor! Ha, ha, ha, ah, yes . . . what’s that? You’re sentencing me to 10,000 simultaneous death penalties? Wow, you’re really earning those robes today, and not just settling for the fashion statement. I’m impressed. But do I agree with this sentencing? Hmmmm . . . you know what? I can dig it . . . dig my own grave! Woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo! . . . um, could I borrow your gavel for just a moment, Your Honor? When I’m doing the woo-hoos I prefer to be smashing myself in the head with a large hammer, but, uh, they wouldn’t let me bring my props trunk here into the courtroom. And you’ve such a kindly, freshly laundered sock of a face. I figured-huh? That’s a no? Well, like, maybe you could just walk yourself over here and vigorously smash me all about the skullular region-I’m telling you this is always the perfect bit to end on, Big Dawg, pretty much guarantees me an encore every time I do it. Oh, wait, the uniformed guys are dragging me off to a better place, I’m sure. Say, friend, you wouldn’t mind hittin’ me in the skull with that club as I do a reprise of my woo-hoos, would you . . . ?”

PLACES YOU CAN GO #7:

An unrecorded record store . . .

MANDATORY RULE #19:

True Crime content creators who specialize in Serial Killers will now be required to cover any and all U.S. Presidents who authorize military actions that slaughter civilian populations.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #239:

SATIRICAL HEADLINE FAILS TO CAPTURE THE HORRORS OF WAR.