NOTIONAL HEADLINE #247:

WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT INSERT SECTION LATE EDITION: FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IN TALKS FOR A MAJOR STARRING ROLE IN AN UPCOMING RE-LAUNCH OF UNIVERSAL’S ‘THE MUMMY.’ AN INSIDER SPEAKING ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY SAID THE FOLLOWING: “MR. BIDEN IS DEFINITELY IN HIS ‘IMHOTEP ERA,’ AND CONTENT PRODUCERS ARE DEFINITELY LOOKING TO EXPLOIT THIS.” IN RELATED NEWS, CURRENT U.S. PRESIDENT TRUMP IS RUMORED TO BE HAVING A RATHER MESSY AFFAIR WITH THE HUNTRIX MEAL ONLY AT MCDONALD’S . . . COMEDIAN DAVE CHAPPELLE IS SET TO CO-STAR WITH THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE IN A LIGHT HEARTED ACTION FILM AS A PAIR OF WACKY, KNOCKAROUND SECRET POLICEMEN OBSESSED WITH HUNTING DOWN NAUGHTY JOURNALISTS. SET IN A FUTURISTIC DESERT KINGDOM, THE PROJECTED SUMMER RELEASE IS TENTATIVELY TITLED ‘BONESAW DUDES’ . . . A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL HBO SERIES ‘EUPHORIA’ IS LIKELY TO REDEFINE THE DEFINITION OF ‘HATER’ AS RECORD NUMBERS OF ALLEGED HATERS WILL NO DOUBT BE GRINDING OUT NONSTOP VIDEO ESSAYS DENOUNCING THE SHOW AS PROBLEMATIC EVEN AS NORMAL PEOPLE WONDER, “WHY WOULD YOU SPEND ALL THAT TIME WATCHING SOMETHING YOU HATE? SEEMS LIKE A WASTE OF TIME IF YOU ASK ME . . .”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #35:

The Island of Dr. Fetterman

This one will require some kind of a time machine, so heads up on that.

Basically, we use the time machine to do a switcheroo of current Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman and actor Marlon Brando from the 1996 (not so) classic movie The Island of Dr. Moreau. So, like, we put Marlon Brando into Fetterman’s clothes, and then we put John Fetterman into Brando’s memorable Dr. Moreau fits. 

And that’s about it . . . and, as elaborate as all this sounds . . . I’m not sure people will notice much of a difference. 

Maybe some people will watch an erratic on-camera Fetterman appearance or a scene from the impenetrably nonsensical Brando picture, and they’ll think to themselves:

“Huh. Has something changed? I feel like something’s off . . . like it’s different somehow . . . but I can’t quite put my finger on what . . . ah, well. Must be one of them thar Nelson Mandela Special Effects people like to talk about on the Internet.”

That’s about all you get on this one . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 98

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #99:

An atmospheric portrait of an after dinner speech given by a sentient air fryer in the context of an overall decline in Toastmasters memberships.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #50:

If you’re a U.S. President and you lie and cheat and steal and blaspheme the Christian religion and carry out mass deportations of innocent people and order gangs of masked ICE thugs to terrorize and murder people and you threaten to violently destroy an entire civilization and you order a missile attack that blows up a school filled with little girls-

-nothing happens to you.

Because you’re the U.S. President.

This is what’s been decided, apparently . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #56:

“You know, this unwinnable Forever War needs a new front. I got a legacy to burnish, goddamnit!”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #246:

“WE JUST COULDN’T GET HIM OUT OF THAT COUCH.” NEW INSIDER ACCOUNTS FROM THE SERENA HOTEL DESCRIBE VICE PRESIDENT VANCE’S FAILURE AT NEGOTIATING A PEACE DEAL WITH IRAN. APPARENTLY, IN ADDITION TO THE LUXURY ACCOMADATIONS-WHICH INCLUDED A STOCKED BUFFET, DAMN FINE COFFEE, AND COMFY BEDS-THERE WAS A SNAPPER OF A COUCH WHICH KEPT VANCE UP ALL NIGHT . . . WAFFLE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED A BRAND NEW INITIATIVE TO MODIFY ALL OF ITS PHYSICAL STORE LOCATIONS TO BE “TELEPORT FRIENDLY” . . . RUMORS OF A SECRET BACKSTAGE ASSIGNATION WITH BUBBA SWIRL AROUND PRESIDENT TRUMP’S RECENT QUESTIONABLE APPEARANCE AT A UFC EVENT . . .

FINISH LINE

SIMPLE PLEASURES #24:

Taking a long, luxurious bath to the point where you take all the baths all at once. Basically, you’ve eaten up all the bath bandwidth. There’s no more bath left for anyone else anywhere forever. The history books shall blame/praise you for bringing on the advent of the Era of Only Showers in human history. You’ll be worshipped as a god by some, and condemned as a devil by others. Of course, there will be the inevitable anti-historical backlash perpetrated by crazed religious fanatics and corporate business criminals who believe that any kind of substantial knowledge is bad for unfettered capitalist exploitation . . . but even as the libraries burn, and oligarchs and priests ascend to lead humanity into a New Dark Age of strife . . . you shall abide in the Deepest Background as the Eternally Bathing Spirit of the True Era . . . as anguished warlords gut and bomb and torture each other into a charnel pit of lies and death . . . even as the last human smashes themselves in the head with a spent rifle while muttering fervent prayers to a long absconded sky god to bless them with a new Enemy . . . you shall glory forever more inside your Bath Eternal . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #25:

Decide that the next time you order a meal at Taco Bell, and it ends up being better than you expected . . . well, why not decide that that meal was your Taco-Bell-Dammerung? End it on a high note, y’know?

I wouldn’t recommend declaring Taco-Bell-Dammerung after an instance where your order’s all fucked up because then you’ll just be going about the rest of your apocalypse angry. You don’t want to do that. I know it sounds strange, but you don’t want to ragnarok while angry. Do it at the height of your Fourth Meal’s glory, not the depths. Trust me on this. 

And nevermore shall you eat there, for the Age of You Getting Your Fourth Meal On the Drive Thru Line has passed into fire and ashes and whispered hints of traces of fragments of ghosts of bellicose farts launching flights of valkyries on the wind, ‘til the river of discarded hot sauce packets overflows its banks to drown the world thus beginning the cycle anew . . .

BTW: You can do this with any fast food or restaurant chain. Just replace Taco Bell with Wendy’s or KFC or Rax Roast Beef or Moe’s or whatever suits you.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 97

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #98:

A toilet big enough to flush Trump and Congress, even if you have to flush twice just to be sure.

THE NEW DREAM #53:

Werewolf climbs the corporate ziggurat

I’m thinking of the friendly pitbull that sits at attention upon my feet, trying to get me away from my stand-up work desk

Werewolf tears open the god chamber atop the ziggurat, grabs the fleshy oligarch within, bites his head off

I’m piloting the flying saucer into position at just the right kill distance to deploy the new experimental lightning weapon

Werewolf looks up to see his own crazed face reflected in the surface of my flying saucer

I see the pitbull’s placid, eager face looking up into mine, perfectly still for a bit, and then vibrating with the anticipation of pets, liver treats, walkies, etc.

Werewolf spews forth a stream of napalm analogue to set my saucer on fire

I’m walking the pitbull down a long shadowy hallway

I hit the werewolf with lightning bolt after lightning bolt

The pitbull is strapped into a wicked looking restraint harness as I bathe it in exotic energies causing it to howl piteously

Werewolf writhes and twitches, its eyeballs boil and burst out of their sockets, its fur burns, the napalm glands inside its mutant throat ignite causing the head to explode spectacularly, and the headless flaming werewolf tumbles from the top of the ziggurat down to the street below

Inside the flying saucer I stand at the harmonic control panel, soaked in sweat, eyes bugging with mad grief

A pitbull’s trusting face looks up at me from the recent past

I cry out, “SUGARPLUM!” and then I kamikaze the burning saucer into the ziggurat bringing it down in spectacular fashion, fantastic miniature work, they’ll never make ‘em like this again, swell of music, staff roll-

-and then I’m burning in hell. There’s been some confusion and collusion and collision of real life and movie fantasy and a need for some moralistic afterlife of infernal punishment . . . it’s fine.

Really.

It’s all fine.

Beelzebub has this noisy swarm of big ass flies chewing through my flesh as I sit in lava while reading a newspaper review of Ziggurat City Werewolf Saga, the movie of my life it turns out. The reviewer isn’t impressed, dismisses the picture as a tired old mad scientist creature feature full of bad miniatures and even worse acting. The critic-a William D. Tucker of the blogosphere of Earth-took especial exception to the fact that the giant werewolf monster suit didn’t look anything like the pitbull Sugarplum, that it just looked like a standard issue wolf man thing.

Actually, I don’t entirely disagree.

I had hoped for something more atmospheric. A bit of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. A bit of King Kong. A bit of Bergman’s Persona. A bit of George Pal.

But we did it fast and cheap. 

You know.

Like a human life.

Like a dog’s life.

But people want to dress things up, make ‘em more special than they really are, so I guess we kind of fucked it all up in that respect.

As Beelzebub’s flies chew into my heart and lungs, I have a premonition that next time I’ll reincarnate as a pitbull. 

Maybe I’ll get a chance to do a contemporary remake with state of the art computer effects.

Or not.

Either way, I figure I’ll end up back in some kind of hell . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #245:

SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL REPORT: HARRY REEMS RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO STAR IN MAGNUM P.I. REBOOT . . . CONTROVERSY AS TELEPORTING JUVENILES TAKE OVER WAFFLE HOUSE LOCATIONS WITH ALL OF THEIR STUPID FUCKING 6-7 SKIBIDI HORSESHIT . . . THE MONOTHEISTIC DEITY DENOUNCES DONALD TRUMP, CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS IN FACT CURSED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT FOR HIS SINS . . . TRAGEDY AND TRIUMPH AS NESSIE-THE FAMED PLESIOSAUR OF LOCH NESS-LAUNCHES A SOUL BEARING PODCAST NARRATING HER JOURNEY FROM QUEEN OF THE LAKE MONSTERS TO DRIED OUT CRACK ADDICT, AND HOW SHE GOT CLEAN BY REDISCOVERING HER POWER THROUGH MANIFESTING. NESSIE’S ALL PLATFORMS PODLAUNCH WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FULLY LOADED PRODUCT LINE OF BEAUTY CREAMS, IMMORTALITY POTIONS, AND MASKS IMBUED WITH OCCULTIC METAMORPHIC POWERS THAT WILL ALLOW THE WEARERS TO TRANSFORM INTO FEARSOME CITY-SMASHING CYBERNETIC MECHABEASTS. YOU GO, DINO-GIRL . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #9:

A restaurant where they only take bribes if you want what’s actually on the menu. Otherwise, they’ll just prepare random, “secret menu” stuff no matter what you order . . . which is, more often than not, better than what you actually ordered off of the menu. 

But the thing is . . . so many people fervently long for the old school pre-pandemic sit-down dining experience. This is a very strong desire within so many people that it has caused them to be willing to pay exorbitant fees-to even go underground-in order to have that classic “let me just order off of this menu filled with boring-ass shit” as opposed to seeking out the more adventurous fare. In fact, getting that more adventurous fare served up before you despite what you ordered is considered a huge signal: PAY THE BRIBE IF YOU WANT THAT THROWBACK NORMIE SHIT. 

Yeah, it’s all fucked up . . . but people seem to like it. They like the underground vibe of the whole rigmarole.

I don’t get it.