Don’t lie to me.
Did you steal my Genocyber DVD?
Only to have it stolen from you by a bear?
And then that bear was slain by the mercenaries hired by the viceroy?
And that viceroy ended up being nothing but a pawn being manipulated by a conspiracy of ducks and moths?
Just tell me the truth.
FOLLOWING A MASSIVE LAUNCH PAD EXPLOSION IN CAPE CANAVERAL, INVOLVED ROCKET ENGINEERS ARE REPORTED TO BE LEAVING NASA AND SEEKING EMPLOYMENT ON AN IN-DEVELOPMENT POWER RANGERS-ESQUE TV SHOW. ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, A SOURCE SAID, “WE’RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA GET YOU TO THE MOON IN ONE PIECE ANYTIME SOON, BUT WE CAN DEFINITELY MAKE THOSE RUBBERY MONSTERS EXPLODE REAL DAMN GOOD” . . . ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY OUT TODAY A GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS ARE QUESTIONING WHY THEY SHOULD OBEY LAWS AND SOCIAL NORMS WHEN PRESIDENTS ILLEGALLY BOMB CIVILIAN POPULATIONS OVERSEAS WITH NO KNOWN OVERSIGHT OR CONSEQUENCES . . . IN RELATED NEWS, AUDIENCES AT SHITTY OPEN MIC COMEDY SHOWS ALL OVER THE U.S. ARE REPORTED TO BE SPONTANEOUSLY STANDING UP AND DOING THEIR TIGHT FIVES IN DIRECT COMPETITION WITH WHOEVER HAPPENS TO BE ONSTAGE. THIS OFTEN RESULTS IN AUDIENCE MEMBERS COMPETING WITH OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS TRIGGERING A CHAIN REACTION OF “PEOPLE JUST DOING STAND-UP ALL OVER EACH OTHER IN ONE GIANT MASS” AS ONE EYEWITNESS DESCRIBED THE SCENE AT A HOTEL BASEMENT BAR IN FLORIDA. SOME SOCIAL RESEARCHERS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS AS A FAD, WHILE OTHERS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS AS “EVOLUTION VISIBLE, HECKLING MUTATING INTO STAND-UP BEFORE OUR VERY EYES” . . .
That time in your life when you were weirdly inspired by the Next Level Suck that reigned all throughout the nation.
It’s a bad remake of “Young Goodman Brown” for 2026. Instead of gathering deep within some primeval dark forest of the soul, Me and all the other assholes are telling bullshit stories out on the golf course . . .
I burn the bridge because it’s there
I slam the door in a face because I can
I start the war to start the war
I rob the taxpayers to rob the taxpayers
I cheat on the wifey-poo to cheat on the wifey-poo
I go back on the drive-thru line because I’m actually ordering the anger, ‘cause the food doesn’t taste like anything, I could drop twenty bucks for a week’s worth of pretty okay microwave meals, but no, I’m ordering that bridge burning stuff
I ignore the traffic laws just because
I kick the friendly dog so the world knows I’m a villain . . . even though I don’t have the guts to actually admit publicly that I kicked the dog
My vanity isn’t totally gone
And, also, y’know . . . people don’t seem to much care about the other things
But people will show up at your house if they find out you’re kicking dogs
No joke
They’ll walk right out of their wedding, their Mom’s funeral, the birth of their first child, doesn’t matter, come right to your damn dumb house if they get a certain kind of notification on their phone, and bury your whole block in hot brass just to send the message
No joke
We’re all kicking the dog . . . we just don’t broadcast it
Nathaniel Hawthorne’s at peace. Not a bit of spin inside that grave. I’m resentful. I really wanted to get his goat. Instead, I’m trapped on a golf course, running my mouth, scratching my nuts, I’m not even trying to play golf properly. I just walk up to the hole, kneel, carefully deposit the ball in the hole, and then glory in the wild applause.
Eating the sandwich early in the day . . . and then discovering I still got the little bag of chips in the evening.
Q: Do you know you have great hair?
A: I did know that, but thanks for asking . . . and I’ll go ahead and tell you my secret: when I’m in the shower I massage shampoo and conditioner into my scalp. When my scalp starts to tingle I know it’s working.
IN A SIGN OF AN INCREASINGLY POST-HUMAN ECONOMY, THE THREE MOIRAI SISTERS-THE SPINNER, THE MEASURER, THE CUTTER-HAVE ALL BEEN REPLACED BY A FULLY AUTOMATED, ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT “FATE FACTORY.” HOWEVER, IN AN INTRIGUING TWIST, THEY HAVE DECIDED NOT TO PACK THEIR BAGS FOR MOSCOW. IN FACT, THEY’RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND.
That fast food drive thru that knows you better than you know yourself.
It’s why they forgot the cheese on your cheeseburger.
It’s why they decaffed you on your morning coffee.
It’s why they served you a Diet instead of a Fully Leaded soda.
It’s why they interpreted your “Big Mac with cheese combo with fries and a drink” as “A Personal Pan Pepperoni Pizza with a 2 liter bottle of Diet soda.”
It’s why they sold you a franchise when all you actually ordered was two kid’s meals for your brats and a cup of water for yourself.
It’s why they awarded you with a contract to build a massive subterranean detention center for political dissidents to be constructed beneath a long abandoned corporate campus-a relic of the biotech boom at the end of the 20th century, if you’re curious-when you merely ordered a milkshake.
It’s not because the milkshake machines are on the blink like they talk about on the local TV news.
It’s not because the zit covered teenager working the point-of-sale is sneaking hits off a weed vape.
They do these things because they know you better than you know yourself.
They’re not deceived by your liar’s mouthings, by your asinine pantomime of a timid false morality, and, frankly, they’re just not interested in your convoluted self-deceptions, nor are they even slightly convinced by your vomitous pretensions of politeness, courtesy, kindness-all your boring shit!
They know what you really want.
They shove it down your throat.
You cry and struggle . . . but you choke it all down.
You didn’t spit once.
You’ll be back for more.
The only downside, of course, is that prices have gone up.
Yeah, it sucks.
Everything’s more expensive these days.
You start telling yourself, “I should hit up the grocery store. Prepare more meals at home. Really plan it all out for the week, y’know?”
Oh, yes, you forced yourself to make a shopping list, which felt like crawling across glass for miles and miles-
After a long, hard march across a packed parking lot you entered the grocery store . . . only to emerge hours later with a receipt for a Home Atomics Kit. You know, so you can construct a nuclear bomb, keep the taxman away from you, declare your property a breakaway republic, that kind of thing. It’s a big purchase, so they’ll ship it to your house by drone in three stages.
Yup.
Everything’s fast food these days . . .
A double feature consisting of a pair of linked remakes:
A remake of Southern Comfort featuring the characters from The Right Stuff
+
A remake of The Right Stuff featuring the characters from Southern Comfort
=
A meditation upon who gets to aspire to the stars
VS.
A meditation upon who gets to aspire to a macho death dream upon the dusty earth
Lots to think about with this pair . . .
A haunted house that managed to re-skill itself to be a Magical Santa’s Workshop during the Christmas Shopping Season.
I wake up
Absolutely certain
I’m late for some class
Haven’t been a student in years
Takes awhile to shake off the heavy sense that I got another life out there where I’m totally flunking out of some class
And then I’m all the way awake
Consciously sorting through all my peculiar disgruntlements with the various aspects of the education system(s)
‘Til I remember how many war criminals got wonderful Ivy League educations
And then I get on with my day
As I realize there’s nothing to fix or save
The stupid won well before I was even conceived
Religion, streaming video, unprecedented economic prosperity, multiple cable channels filled with political commentary, high quality widely disseminated knowledge, philosophy, fast food, the arts, computerization, AI, action figures with Kung Fu Grip, critical thinking, physics
None of it’ll stop the next catastrophe
Consider the Heat Dome
Consider the Affordability Crisis
Consider the Jim Crow Revival Gerrymanders
Consider the U.S. of A.’s latest war of choice
We’re living the Catastrophe
Brought to you by all the brightest best people
As per usual
“All these rock walls? Yeah, I’m gonna need you to knock ‘em down, turn ‘em into benches-like outside? We’ll just have a nice outdoor seating type situation. Let people get toasty under the Heat Dome out there. The ceiling stays where it is-we’ll use some of that ‘power of faith’ stuff, y’know, really put people’s strength of belief to the test, see if they can keep that thing up there where it belongs, right? Yeah . . . but this floor isn’t working for me at all. Nope. We’re gonna rip out all this flooring, go with more of a huge, deep pit you can’t see the bottom of-not even with binoculars-and that’ll really get people to elevate their standing in place game. Anybody can stand on a damn actual floor. But it’s the next level people who keep on standing with nothing but air and a bottomless plunge under their soles-and we want those next level people more than anyone else. So that’ll show us who’s next level for sure . . . honestly, I don’t even know if I’m next level. Guess I can finally find out.”
LOOKING TO INCREASE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE? GIVE IT A BOOST WITH THESE HEADLINES: NEW ANALYSIS INSPIRED BY MOORE AND CAMPBELL’S GRAPHIC NOVEL FROM HELL SUGGESTS THAT THE MYSTERIOUS “BUBBA” KNOWN FOR KNOCKING PRESIDENT TRUMP’S VOCAL CORDS LOOSE MAY NOT BE A SINGLE PERSON, BUT MAY INSTEAD CONSTITUTE A KIND OF “SUPERPOSITION” OCCUPIED BY A VARIETY OF POLITICAL ACTORS-SUCH AS CHINA’S PRESIDENT XI, ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BIBI NETANYAHU, THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE, AND RUSSIA’S VLADIMIR PUTIN-WHO HAVE ALL EFFECTIVELY MANIPULATED THE INCREASINGLY DULL AND ERRATIC U.S. PRESIDENT OF LATE . . . CONTROVERSY AND DREAD IN THE WORLD OF FAST FOOD AS A SECRET PLAN HAS BEEN LEAKED DESCRIBING A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS DESIGN FLAW LURKING WITHIN NUMEROUS RESTAURANTS. THE CONTESTED REPORT CLAIMS THAT BEGINNING IN THE 1980s A HIGHLY SECRETIVE GROUP KNOWN AS “THE ATLANTEAN ARISTOCRACY” CONSTRUCTED A COMPLEX DOOMSDAY DEVICE THAT WILL DETONATE IF ENOUGH PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE DRIVE THRU BACKWARDS AND AT HIGH SPEED SIMULTANEOUSLY AT LOCATIONS ALL OVER THE GLOBE. SKEPTICS WERE QUICK TO DECLARE IT ALL AN ELABORATE HOAX, WHILE ONLINE INFLUENCERS IMMEDIATELY BEGAN CHASING CLOUT BY RACING BACKWARDS THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU LANES OF NUMEROUS FAST FOOD LOCATIONS RESULTING IN CRASHES, INJURIES, ARRESTS, AND VIDEOS OF THESE INCIDENTS RACKING UP HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF VIEWS ONLINE . . . A NEW SOCIAL MOVEMENT CALLING ITSELF “MAKE DOVER THRIFT EDITIONS THRIFTY AGAIN" HAS TAKEN THE WORLD OF BOOKSTORES BY STORM, AS THOUSANDS OF COLLEGE EDUCATED MILLENNIALS AND GEN Xers HAVE PACKED HUNDREDS OF BARNES AND NOBLE AND BOOKS-A-MILLION LOCATIONS WITH CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ACTIVISTS FILLED WITH NOSTALGIA FOR THE TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY PRICES FOR THE FAMOUSLY LOW COST PUBLISHER’S OFFERINGS. BOOKS-ALONG WITH ALL OTHER PURCHASABLE GOODS-ARE, OF COURSE, MORE EXPENSIVE IN 2026 THAN THEY WERE IN THE YEAR 2000 . . .
