Monday, July 31, 2023

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #0:


Q: Is it hot enough for you?


A: No. Not yet. 


I've always liked the heat, actually. 


It's definitely hot, though. 


But you know what? I think I can give you a rough timeline of when it will finally be hot enough for me. 


Basically . . . like . . . ask me the same question . . . a year from today. I'm pretty much, you know, 99% sure that this same day but in 2024 . . . that day . . . will be hot enough . . . for me.


But there's another question. One you didn't ask. Similar to but different from the one you did ask. 


I'll go ahead and ask it, answer it.


Here goes.


Is it too hot for you?


No. It is not too hot for me, not just yet. 


But a year from now it will be hot enough


So, this calendar day but in 2024-hot enough. 


And then a year from the hot enough day-in 2025-that day will be the day it is finally too hot.


And then . . . a year after the too hot day . . . well . . . I'm not religious . . . but I would advise the faithful to start praying for rains of herbs and spices.


You know.


To season all this frying meat.


William goes Full Orson Welles with his "ain't-I-a-stinker" smile. 


Oh, they used to love me on the open mic.


Until the fuckin' mic melted.

OCCLUSION #2:

 

God creates People

People are filled with pornographic fantasies

God's preachers preach that pornography is a sin, send you straight to Hell

But no Person who has died has ever unambiguously returned to the world of the living to tell us for sure about burning in Hell

In fact

There's no definitive proof of God, Hell, God's desire to punish People for having pornographic fantasies, life after death

No proof

We're supposed to take it all on faith

But even so

Taking it all on faith

We could still be misunderstanding God

Preachers are just People

Flawed People

Not little Godlings

Therefore

It could be possible

That God is always reading our thoughts

Especially our pornographic fantasies

From the very beginning

From before the existence of the words pornography and porn and pornographic and fantasy

God just watching the flickering eroticisms in one hundred seventeen billion minds across two hundred thousand years

God's unlikely to even be aroused

Just think of how many people you know who beat off to cockroaches fucking

Be sure to make an accurate tally

So you see

A hundred billion channels

And nothing's on

But God can't stop watching

The One True God

Lonely at the top

No other God but God

No one to talk to

No one God can relate to

Even the Lord must pass the time

Can't stop watching

Probably why God hasn't written a new Gospel in awhile

Think of all the People who fail to write the Great American Novel because YouTube, XBox, Playstation, Nintendo Switch, Prime, YouPorn, OnlyFans, Instagram, Tik Tok, PornHub, Twitter, Facebook

So you see

The true sin of porn

Isn't the pleasure out of wedlock that the fundamentalists get so lathered about

No

Our nonstop multi-billion stream flow of hazy-glazey porno consciousness

Has captured the Lord

In an inescapable spunk scroll

He's not gettin' off

Humans can't stop doom scrolling

Even though it makes us feel like shit

God can't stop spunk scrolling

Not because He's bustin'

But because it's a fascinating, impenetrable wreck

Like watching a wave sweep away a thousand cargo containers 

Maybe there's some dread if you're a local

But if you're nonlocal

It's like a

I dunno

Like a screensaver

Tediously logical, irrevocable, certain 

It's just a thing that happens to coastal humans and the things they build at some point

There's a chart somewhere

Depend on it

Which brings us back to God

The most nonlocal of all

Burdensomely hypnotized

By collective porn stew

Of billions of human minds

Sorry, Big Guy!

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #57:


If Van Man be a villain then should we not cheer when he is beset by bears and wild dogs and scavenging bald eagles and vultures and ants and rapaciously consumed down to the marrow of his bones?


But we are nowadays told that Van Man is but a pernicious, exploitative urban legend-a tiresome rehash of stranger danger sometimes spiced with Satanic panic and often accented by a free floating contempt for working class people.


It now seems we are to have one more cherished lie stripped from us . . . and I can't help but wonder,


Will we soon have every last cheerful thing taken from us? 


Even our contempt?


Our paranoia?


Our desire for Enemy no matter what?


Even Satan himself?


Will we be left with nothing but a mirror and the inevitable Mirror Match to climax the saga of our being?


-Excerpted from the Preface to Mysteries of the Van Men, a Shindig Institute Symposium curated by William D. Tucker.

Sunday, July 30, 2023

MANDATORY RULE #2:


If you know someone who hasn't seen the movie Oppenheimer, but they're not sure if they should watch it, do the following:


First, tell them it has a great theme song.


Second, say that you can play it for them on your mobile device.


Third, get out your mobile device and use the YouTube application to play the song "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" by the Gap Band. Make sure it's the extended 12" version. 


Fourth, say something about how the film has a lot to say about the erotics of atomic weaponry, how there's a pronounced-though not overpowering-theme of "nuclear nutbust" woven into the film.


Fifth, make it clear that the current release is a Beta Version that will no doubt be improved once the studios implement AI visuals, audio, and screenwriting protocols at scale. Assure the person you're speaking at that future iterations of Oppenheimer will feature more elaborate dungeon crawls, secret boss fights with unique item drops, in-game live event idol concerts, and assert that crossovers with major content source intellectual properties such as Barbie, Transformers, Godzilla, G.I. Joe, and Minions are most assuredly in the offing.


Sixth, reassure your conversational target that the Beta Release will not disappear completely, and will no doubt re-emerge as a collector's edition physical media offering. The mistakes of Lucas shall not be repeated.


And finally, if your talk-mark is experiencing anxiety about nuclear annihilation, reassure them that global warming heat waves will no doubt render the missile guidance systems inoperable thereby leaving the slow burn death of humanity to proceed sans interruption; but on the other hand if the missiles do fly then humanity shall receive a decidedly pacier finish. Emphasize the "win-win" nature of the dilemma. Offer a snack and/or reassuring words to make it all go down easier.


By following this procedure, all will be properly imbued with the correct perspective on relevant processes and outcomes even while addressing the increasingly problematic human factor.

Saturday, July 29, 2023

THINGS NEVER SAID #6:


"Ma'am, I need you to listen to me very carefully. We've done a sophisticated multivariable backtrace, and we've determined the following: the thunderous, chunky sharting you heard . . . is coming from inside your house!"

Friday, July 28, 2023

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #45:


BREAKING: SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS WAGES FOR NON-MEMBERS.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #44:


ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN/DEEP THROAT CROSSOVER DOMINATES LABOR DAY WEEKEND BOX OFFICE.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #43:

 

PROSLAVERY TRUMP ECLIPSES PROSLAVERY DESANTIS IN LATEST POLLING OF LIKELY REPUBLICAN VOTERS.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #42:


DESANTIS CRITICIZES TOILET PAPER AS "HYGIENE THEATER;" SNOWFLAKES ENCOURAGED TO "JUST USE FINGER LIKE THE REST OF US."

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #56:


Has anyone determined the exact threshold of talent and sexiness one must cross in order to be resurrected as a hologram for public appearances?


Stanford Research Institute? HELLLLLOOOOOOO! Sorry to wake you up so early, but I got some work for you. 


Not to brag . . . but I kinda think I'd qualify.

Thursday, July 27, 2023

MANGA REVIEW: ROBO SAPIENS: TALES OF TOMORROW (2018, 2019, 2021)

 

by Toranosuke Shimada


English translation by Adrienne Beck

Lyric translation by Jelly Cat

Lettering and cover design by Nicky Lim

Interior layouts by Sandy Grayson

Logo designed by George Panella

Proofreading by Dawn Davis

Edited by Alexis Roberts


Original Japanese language serialization by Kodansha  in Morning Monthly Two July 2018-June 2019.


English language publication by Seven Seas Entertainment in November 2021.


. . .


"If I wander about the shore this morning

It will bring me back to good ol' times"


. . .


Review by William D. Tucker.



Humanity constructs intelligent machines as servants, but these robots end up-somewhat accidentally-carrying the spark of our consciousness into the far future. Humanity fell in love with technology even as it fell out of love with the biological world. We built the robots to serve our whims, to create answers to our desires, to serve our truest faith-our desire for immortality-and ended up shaping a product beyond all the cynical/cyclical schemes usually dictated by ideologies of planned obsolescence. The robots of the manga future history Robo Sapiens are built to last for tens of thousands of years. This defeat of product life cycles might be the most fanciful idea expressed by this manga. 


The future depicted is vast and tragic, but the tragic elements-global wars, nuclear meltdowns, environmental degradation-are viewed at a remove. The wondrous robots who embody superhuman fantasies are foregrounded, human frailty rests in the middle ground, and human cruelty looms in the background. Robo Sapiens could be described as dystopian, at least in part. I think it's more that dystopia is a thread in the tapestry, if you will. You strip that out and you can still make some sense of the work, but something is clearly missing. The same could be said for the idea of utopia-it's not the whole picture, but you can't just rip that out, either. 


Robo Sapiens is episodic. Each chapter seems like a stand alone story or observational vignette. Then characters from earlier chapters return, change, and secrets from the past unfold line by line, memory by memory. We meet a super robot who exists as a friend to all in need-think of a shiny chrome version of Christopher Reeves's Superman-who answers all the prayers and wishes that no deity or devil or genie in a bottle ever could. There's a dutiful caretaker of a massive subterranean nuclear waste storage facility. Early on, we meet one of the last hard-boiled detectives, complete with an old school ass-kicking certain set of skills, even though much of the rest of the narrative consists of interlocking mysteries across numbingly huge expanses of time that defy the efforts of any solitary protagonist to solve.


Much of the narrative, ultimately, is driven by a brilliant but disillusioned roboticist who creates a number of the robot characters in the story. This roboticist has become disenchanted with her fellow humans who fill the world with war and waste, but much of her contempt is expressed obliquely. During a TED Talk style presentation, we see the cruelly caricatured human audience-distracted by screens, badly dressed, ill-mannered, entitled-from her perspective. Interestingly, the robots never seem to absorb this contempt. Maybe it's an Asimov thing: robot minds are programmed to show humans the utmost benevolence. It could be that the disillusioned roboticist has taken a cue from Asimov's Laws of Robotics to prevent her contempt from being replicated inside these newly created minds. Robo Sapiens cleverly chooses to respect the privacy of one of its central figures-this bitter roboticist-and therefore preserves a sense of mystery. 


However, the robots are established as having capacious minds capable of downloading vast amounts of human history in an instant, and engaging with that infodump via fully immersive internal simulations. One of the robots is able to walk through a vast swath of human evolutionary history from cave people to present. This historically enriched robot doesn't seem to view humanity in a bad light. Ultra fast robo-brains capable of sophisticated multivariable analysis of vast amounts of historical/evolutionary/psychological/economic/sociological data results, intriguingly, in empathy and tolerance. (Compare and contrast with the sadistic supercomputer conjured up in the Harlan Ellison short story "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream" who uses its vast intelligence and stores of data to inflict eternal punishment upon the last remnants of the human race.)


Robots are also constructed to be romantic mates for humans. This is, if you're wondering, handled in an extremely elliptical fashion. There's no explicit human-on-robot action, but the power dynamics are disturbing. For much of the timeline, robots are totally subject to human power. Even though they show intelligence and individuality, the living machines-designed in the image of humans-have no rights to disobey or resist their human masters. If a human tells a robot to do something-anything-it must comply. If a human desires a gendered robot, then the robot assumes whatever gender expression serves the human's wishes. 


As for specific sex acts, Robo Sapiens is, as I said, elliptical. Presumably, anything goes. Later in the narrative, humans seem to grant robots full civil rights including autonomy of thought and action. Later still, humans and robots have separated from each other, with the human population on the decline. Wars are alluded to, and it's possible the humans were defeated by the robots in some global conflagration. The robots don't seem bitter or hostile towards humans, even though the final remnants of homo sapiens do seem to be fearful of the robots. Overall, robo sapiens as a species don't seem to hold on to grudges or vendettas despite their long history of subjugation by humans. It's never completely clear if this easy going attitude on the part of robotkind is a moral stance of not antagonizing a non-threatening group of beings, or if this confidence came about after thoroughly defeating their former masters. Robo Sapiens contains no explicit depictions of warfare, so you kinda have to decide for yourself. It's eerie. It's ambiguous.


The art is curved, rounded, and non-threatening for the most part. There's a strong influence from Astro Boy creator Osamu Tezuka. Late in the timeline robots choose more imaginative forms, and are no longer bound to resemble their human creators. Writer/artist Toranosuke Shimada's robots evoke a formidable benevolence, as if the gods humanity prayed to for deliverance for countless generations could only be realized by futuristic comic book science. 


Robo Sapiens left me with the sense that humanity's yearning for immortality could ironically outlive the species by finding expression in robotic, artificially intelligent beings.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #41:

 

CLIMATE DENIERS CITE RECENT "MCCONNELL FREEZE" AS PROOF THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS A HOAX.

Wednesday, July 26, 2023

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #40:


THE WALKING DEAD TV SHOW ALLEGEDLY SET TO STAR IN THE WALKING DEAD TV SHOW SPIN OFF; IMAGE COMICS RUMORED TO REBRAND ITSELF AS "THE HOUSE GEORGE ROMERO BUILT."

Two words . . .

 . . . ENDLESS SUMMER . . . 


. . . the new marketing blitz for the global warming heatwave.


Doesn't sound so bad.


You can crisp yourself year round.


Don't even have to go to the beach.


Just stand in the place that you are, like the song said.


You don't even have to turn off your air conditioning. That shit'll break down soon enough, it wasn't built for this kind of action, let it go, also like the song said.


Every tree catches fire. Rumor has it that most set themselves on fire as a final fuck you to humans. Can't blame 'em. It's tough, but I see where they're coming from.


No need to get off the plane. The runway has melted, and the landing gear has fused with the runway . . . no need to board the plane. No place to escape. Maybe Antarctica? Nah, it's too cold. Everything's so extreme. Too late for 'climate centrism' I guess, ha ha ha.


You know what I think?


I think that the people who denied climate change for so long must've been clandestine Extremist Beach Bums who just wanted scorching swimsuit weather forever. Creationism, the Oil Lobby, far right politics-these were just pretentious cover-ups for the idiotic dreams of lamebrain dipshits who think voluntarily lying out in the sun for hours and hours is a non-stupid way to pass the time. 


Now we all get to cook.


Most insects'll cease to swarm. It's too damn hot to swarm. The real tough ones'll persevere-they've been indoctrinated by insectoid hustle culture social media, so they just keep grinding and buzzing through the Big Burn. Gotta make that honey. Gotta build that anthill. Gotta feed the Queen, my bug dudes. Worker ants keep on attempting suicide by jumping into ant lion pits . . . only to find that the ant lions have all cooked off. Mosquitos bite people only to explode from drinking boiling blood. Harsh realm, my bug dudes!


Deserts just, like, quit. It's weird. I'm really not sure how to describe it. Just one day they didn't show up. In their place, we did get all these open air shopping centers, with plenty of great shopping and dining options. Starbucks. Cheesecake Factory. There's this new diamond retailer. Indoor shooting ranges with the deluxe accommodations for practicing with .50 caliber armor piercing rifles, person-portable rail guns, and rocket propelled grenades. A phony 'Irish' bar and family restaurant. One of the brand name pizza buffet outfits. The only downside is that employees and customers keep spontaneously combusting. 


On the radio, Weird Al's parody of Ray Parker, Jr. 's Ghostbusters is a hit-"Combusting DOESN'T make me feel good!"


Antarctica'll melt down. Lovecraftian ruins of primeval monster cities will be exposed. Giant rubbery monsters will lumber up from labyrinthine depths. Cthulhu'll squint into the blazing sun and be like, "Fuck me, this shit is hot and bright as fuck, dude, I'm going back down. Fuck this shit, dude!" Cthulhu and his entourage'll go back into the Deepest Dankest Downstairs of All Times . . . but the heat will find them, too, causing them to bubble and flow and meltdown in the most spectacular practical special efx display since John Carpenter's The Thing-what fun!


In the fullness of time, terrorists and dictators and doomsday militias and Fascists and religious fundamentalists and warmongers and torturers and secret police and Nazis and serial killers and assorted white supremacists will all get on a gigantic Zoom call to coordinate a Worldwide Atomic Annihilation Festival, but when they go to press the button . . . nothing happens. Jesus and Buddha and Satan appear in the sky, and speaketh, saying, "No, you shit stains don't get to end this on your terms. We say you cook." The genocidal scumbags in question go crazy from the heat, and most die in an orgy of cannibalism-it's very Fulci-with the rest deliriously wandering off in all directions to dehydrate alone or in small groups.


In the end, heat dies of heat stroke.


It's a tough scene.


POST CREDITS SCENE: Inside the long abandoned Florida governor's office, we see all these cockroaches. They're not moving. They're not yet dead. They ate the last paper and glue products they could scavenge, and now they're all just sitting as still as possible, trying to hold on to those last calories. A couple of the cockroaches are having a heated debate about the pros and cons of the paperless all-digital office paradigm. The cockroach arguing in favor of the paperless office obviously catches all kinds of hell from its fellows but makes some interesting points. Just as the debate begins to turn a corner . . . just when pro and con seem about to reach some middle ground . . . 


. . . the calories run out . . .

Tuesday, July 25, 2023

ANCILLARY PRODUCTS #12:

 

The recent release by Universal Studios of the much anticipated film Oppenheimer is no doubt auspicious. It is certainly a respectable Beta Release all on its own, and that in and of itself is a worthy benchmark. Gift baskets with Starbucks gift cards, boxed wine, and one blister packaged J. Robert Oppenheimer ReAction Figure by Super 7 are certainly in order for the relevant above the line personnel while supplies last.


More importantly, once box office, audience reactions, and number-out-of-number evaluations by curated members of the commentariat class have been collated, analyzed, normalized, and re-curated as per principle and precept, we can, in the fullness of time, move on from Beta and into Full Product Launch.


Of course, the figure-historical and plastic action-of J. Robert Oppenheimer is a kind of monster-one of tragic dimensions, at that, much in the same vein of other Universal Classic Monsters. Once our New Intellects-formerly slandered as 'artificial' but no longer-have been properly trained up on the raw materials of the Beta Release appropriate iterations shall be aborning:


Son of Oppenheimer


The House of Oppenheimer


Oppenheimer v. Frankenstein


Oppenheimer v. Dracula


Oppenheimer v. Wolf Man


Oppenheimer v. The Mummy


The Invisible Oppenheimer


Abbott and Costello meet Oppenheimer


Criticality From the Oppenheimer Lagoon



. . . of course, the Beta will be phased out, but it can receive a pricey Limited Edition re-release on physical media to stroke off the inevitable Nostalgia Faction that will no doubt emerge also in the fullness of time. We have no vested interest in repeating the errors of Lucas. All assets will be marketed and monetized without exception. Money is the Future, and the Future is Money.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #39:

 

POKEMON/THE DOBERMAN GANG CROSSOVER DOMINATES JULY 4TH BOX OFFICE.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #38:

 

CATEGORY 10,000 HURRICANE DESTROYS THE PLATONIC IDEAL FORM OF FLORIDA.

Monday, July 24, 2023

THE NEW DREAM #16:


Fell asleep with the TV on

Letterman says,

"Hey, folks, it's a stressful time here. On this show. In the nation at large. And we don't know what the future may hold. But I will promise you this. Straight from the heart. My heart, for what that's worth. Probably needs a little more work done on it. But we're all works-in-progress, right? Sure. But I promise you this. No matter how things play out, we will always-always-be making plenty of Buttafuocco in the back seat of the white Ford Bronco-that's a promise from me to you-Buttafuocco for all! While supplies last."


Mock patriotic theme from Paul and the band.


I open my eyes just in time to see Letterman standing at attention, hand over his heart, studio audience cheering.


TV's got picture-in-picture function. In the smaller picture, I can see Charles Grodin's glowering face. The smaller picture assumes a larger and larger size 'til all is the Glower of Grodin.


Something something

O.J. verdict

Grodin's not getting any happier

It must be the end of history

Jovial comic movie actor guy's got a deadly serious commentary show on cable

Grodin's not having any of that back seat Buttafuocco

Even Letterman cites 'while supplies last'

Which they don't

Every bond breaks

Was there ever any history to end in the first place?

Sunday, July 23, 2023

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #55:

 

Did you know that David Letterman is still making content? 


He's got a YouTube, there was some podgrift interview recently . . . basically,I'll cut to the chase here, I just want him to bring back the Buttafuocco jokes.


Also, and this is an even dimmer, more distant memory . . . but I'm almost certain that Letterman did some Fahrvergnugen jokes back in the day. I'm basically positive on this. It was a Top Ten List thing, I'm almost certain.


And, if he decides to go contemporary, he can throw Barbenheimer into the mix. 


"-and at Number Six . . . Buttafuocco Barbenheimer Fahrvergnugen."


Ah, yes, those dulcet tones.


Maybe we can even finally figure out which one's Oprah, and which one's Uma.


'Tis a mystery, isn't it?


Well, sometimes you have to wander into the wastelands of the past to solve these mysteries.


Nothing else will get it.