Sunday, July 30, 2023

MANDATORY RULE #2:


If you know someone who hasn't seen the movie Oppenheimer, but they're not sure if they should watch it, do the following:


First, tell them it has a great theme song.


Second, say that you can play it for them on your mobile device.


Third, get out your mobile device and use the YouTube application to play the song "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" by the Gap Band. Make sure it's the extended 12" version. 


Fourth, say something about how the film has a lot to say about the erotics of atomic weaponry, how there's a pronounced-though not overpowering-theme of "nuclear nutbust" woven into the film.


Fifth, make it clear that the current release is a Beta Version that will no doubt be improved once the studios implement AI visuals, audio, and screenwriting protocols at scale. Assure the person you're speaking at that future iterations of Oppenheimer will feature more elaborate dungeon crawls, secret boss fights with unique item drops, in-game live event idol concerts, and assert that crossovers with major content source intellectual properties such as Barbie, Transformers, Godzilla, G.I. Joe, and Minions are most assuredly in the offing.


Sixth, reassure your conversational target that the Beta Release will not disappear completely, and will no doubt re-emerge as a collector's edition physical media offering. The mistakes of Lucas shall not be repeated.


And finally, if your talk-mark is experiencing anxiety about nuclear annihilation, reassure them that global warming heat waves will no doubt render the missile guidance systems inoperable thereby leaving the slow burn death of humanity to proceed sans interruption; but on the other hand if the missiles do fly then humanity shall receive a decidedly pacier finish. Emphasize the "win-win" nature of the dilemma. Offer a snack and/or reassuring words to make it all go down easier.


By following this procedure, all will be properly imbued with the correct perspective on relevant processes and outcomes even while addressing the increasingly problematic human factor.