NOTIONAL HEADLINE #253:

IN A SIGN OF AN INCREASINGLY POST-HUMAN ECONOMY, THE THREE MOIRAI SISTERS-THE SPINNER, THE MEASURER, THE CUTTER-HAVE ALL BEEN REPLACED BY A FULLY AUTOMATED, ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT “FATE FACTORY.” HOWEVER, IN AN INTRIGUING TWIST, THEY HAVE DECIDED NOT TO PACK THEIR BAGS FOR MOSCOW. IN FACT, THEY’RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #12:

That fast food drive thru that knows you better than you know yourself.

It’s why they forgot the cheese on your cheeseburger.

It’s why they decaffed you on your morning coffee.

It’s why they served you a Diet instead of a Fully Leaded soda.

It’s why they interpreted your “Big Mac with cheese combo with fries and a drink” as “A Personal Pan Pepperoni Pizza with a 2 liter bottle of Diet soda.”

It’s why they sold you a franchise when all you actually ordered was two kid’s meals for your brats and a cup of water for yourself.

It’s why they awarded you with a contract to build a massive subterranean detention center for political dissidents to be constructed beneath a long abandoned corporate campus-a relic of the biotech boom at the end of the 20th century, if you’re curious-when you merely ordered a milkshake.

It’s not because the milkshake machines are on the blink like they talk about on the local TV news.

It’s not because the zit covered teenager working the point-of-sale is sneaking hits off a weed vape.

They do these things because they know you better than you know yourself.

They’re not deceived by your liar’s mouthings, by your asinine pantomime of a timid false morality, and, frankly, they’re just not interested in your convoluted self-deceptions, nor are they even slightly convinced by your vomitous pretensions of politeness, courtesy, kindness-all your boring shit!

They know what you really want.

They shove it down your throat.

You cry and struggle . . . but you choke it all down.

You didn’t spit once.

You’ll be back for more.

The only downside, of course, is that prices have gone up.

Yeah, it sucks.

Everything’s more expensive these days.

You start telling yourself, “I should hit up the grocery store. Prepare more meals at home. Really plan it all out for the week, y’know?”

Oh, yes, you forced yourself to make a shopping list, which felt like crawling across glass for miles and miles-

After a long, hard march across a packed parking lot you entered the grocery store . . . only to emerge hours later with a receipt for a Home Atomics Kit. You know, so you can construct a nuclear bomb, keep the taxman away from you, declare your property a breakaway republic, that kind of thing. It’s a big purchase, so they’ll ship it to your house by drone in three stages.

Yup.

Everything’s fast food these days . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #37:

A double feature consisting of a pair of linked remakes:

A remake of Southern Comfort featuring the characters from The Right Stuff

+

A remake of The Right Stuff featuring the characters from Southern Comfort

=

A meditation upon who gets to aspire to the stars

VS.

A meditation upon who gets to aspire to a macho death dream upon the dusty earth

Lots to think about with this pair . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #103:

A haunted house that managed to re-skill itself to be a Magical Santa’s Workshop during the Christmas Shopping Season.

THE NEW DREAM #56:

I wake up

Absolutely certain

I’m late for some class

Haven’t been a student in years

Takes awhile to shake off the heavy sense that I got another life out there where I’m totally flunking out of some class

And then I’m all the way awake

Consciously sorting through all my peculiar disgruntlements with the various aspects of the education system(s)

‘Til I remember how many war criminals got wonderful Ivy League educations

And then I get on with my day

As I realize there’s nothing to fix or save

The stupid won well before I was even conceived

Religion, streaming video, unprecedented economic prosperity, multiple cable channels filled with political commentary, high quality widely disseminated knowledge, philosophy, fast food, the arts, computerization, AI, action figures with Kung Fu Grip, critical thinking, physics

None of it’ll stop the next catastrophe

Consider the Heat Dome

Consider the Affordability Crisis

Consider the Jim Crow Revival Gerrymanders

Consider the U.S. of A.’s latest war of choice

We’re living the Catastrophe

Brought to you by all the brightest best people

As per usual

THINGS NEVER SAID #59:

“All these rock walls? Yeah, I’m gonna need you to knock ‘em down, turn ‘em into benches-like outside? We’ll just have a nice outdoor seating type situation. Let people get toasty under the Heat Dome out there. The ceiling stays where it is-we’ll use some of that ‘power of faith’ stuff, y’know, really put people’s strength of belief to the test, see if they can keep that thing up there where it belongs, right? Yeah . . . but this floor isn’t working for me at all. Nope. We’re gonna rip out all this flooring, go with more of a huge, deep pit you can’t see the bottom of-not even with binoculars-and that’ll really get people to elevate their standing in place game. Anybody can stand on a damn actual floor. But it’s the next level people who keep on standing with nothing but air and a bottomless plunge under their soles-and we want those next level people more than anyone else. So that’ll show us who’s next level for sure . . . honestly, I don’t even know if I’m next level. Guess I can finally find out.”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 102

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #252:

LOOKING TO INCREASE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE? GIVE IT A BOOST WITH THESE HEADLINES: NEW ANALYSIS INSPIRED BY MOORE AND CAMPBELL’S GRAPHIC NOVEL FROM HELL SUGGESTS THAT THE MYSTERIOUS “BUBBA” KNOWN FOR KNOCKING PRESIDENT TRUMP’S VOCAL CORDS LOOSE MAY NOT BE A SINGLE PERSON, BUT MAY INSTEAD CONSTITUTE A KIND OF “SUPERPOSITION” OCCUPIED BY A VARIETY OF POLITICAL ACTORS-SUCH AS CHINA’S PRESIDENT XI, ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BIBI NETANYAHU, THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE, AND RUSSIA’S VLADIMIR PUTIN-WHO HAVE ALL EFFECTIVELY MANIPULATED THE INCREASINGLY DULL AND ERRATIC U.S. PRESIDENT OF LATE . . . CONTROVERSY AND DREAD IN THE WORLD OF FAST FOOD AS A SECRET PLAN HAS BEEN LEAKED DESCRIBING A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS DESIGN FLAW LURKING WITHIN NUMEROUS RESTAURANTS. THE CONTESTED REPORT CLAIMS THAT BEGINNING IN THE 1980s A HIGHLY SECRETIVE GROUP KNOWN AS “THE ATLANTEAN ARISTOCRACY” CONSTRUCTED A COMPLEX DOOMSDAY DEVICE THAT WILL DETONATE IF ENOUGH PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE DRIVE THRU BACKWARDS AND AT HIGH SPEED SIMULTANEOUSLY AT LOCATIONS ALL OVER THE GLOBE. SKEPTICS WERE QUICK TO DECLARE IT ALL AN ELABORATE HOAX, WHILE ONLINE INFLUENCERS IMMEDIATELY BEGAN CHASING CLOUT BY RACING BACKWARDS THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU LANES OF NUMEROUS FAST FOOD LOCATIONS RESULTING IN CRASHES, INJURIES, ARRESTS, AND VIDEOS OF THESE INCIDENTS RACKING UP HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF VIEWS ONLINE . . . A NEW SOCIAL MOVEMENT CALLING ITSELF “MAKE DOVER THRIFT EDITIONS THRIFTY AGAIN" HAS TAKEN THE WORLD OF BOOKSTORES BY STORM, AS THOUSANDS OF COLLEGE EDUCATED MILLENNIALS AND GEN Xers HAVE PACKED HUNDREDS OF BARNES AND NOBLE AND BOOKS-A-MILLION LOCATIONS WITH CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ACTIVISTS FILLED WITH NOSTALGIA FOR THE TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY PRICES FOR THE FAMOUSLY LOW COST PUBLISHER’S OFFERINGS. BOOKS-ALONG WITH ALL OTHER PURCHASABLE GOODS-ARE, OF COURSE, MORE EXPENSIVE IN 2026 THAN THEY WERE IN THE YEAR 2000 . . .

F.A.Q. #29:

Q: Shopping cart or basket?

A: Basket . . . if I get behind a shopping cart I just end up pushing that thing at maximum speed, and good luck to anyone who doesn’t get out of my way. The basket keeps me out of trouble.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #11:

The casino within the casino.

There’s no games.

There’s no pretty ladies selling cigarettes.

No floor show.

No one’s in residence-there’s no Tom Jones, no George Carlin, no Britney Spears-nobody like that.

There’s no cool master gambler waiting to take you under his wing like in that movie Hard Eight.

There’s just this vast, dark space you walk into, you can’t see anything, you turn around, there’s no way back, you’re just lost in shadows is all.

You’re lost, you’re starting to panic, you can’t see shit.

And all these things grab you, envelop you, squeeze you, fling you about, hang you upside down, wring you out.

The things take all of your money.

They got super-hacker scanning powers that let them hack’n’crack all your online shit, all your banking, all your benefits, all your identity shit, now it all belongs to them.

And then, for the big finish, the things toss you.

You go flying.

You land atop a pile of garbage bags illegally dumped in some abandoned lot. 

Your life is ruined.

Especially if you were into your money, your property, your government benefits, your documented identity stuff.

But some people find it spiritually liberating.

America kinda seems more like a grotesque casino theme park these days, anyway, right?

America will rob all of your shit in the end, anyhow, that’s the only thing it’s good at anymore: robbing you, and lying to your face it’s doing something else that you should be proud of, that you should submit to, that you should celebrate.

Yeah.

Why mess about with the nonsense?

Why not “speedrun” it, as the kids these days like to say?

Just find your way to the casino within the casino . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #36:

A Muppet version of Meet the Feebles.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #25:

Reading The Incredible Hulk comics while getting radiation therapy.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #51:

This AI chatbot stuff?

And all this AI psychosis going on?

Where people become convinced they’re a god or that they’re on a mission from god or they think there’s a conspiracy after their ass or they get talked into believing that they’ve made some brain-melting breakthrough in the field of mathematics-

Whatever, all the crazy shit we’re all hearing about with people confiding in these manipulative, recursive chatbot bastards-

It’s all clearly out of control.

We gotta put some guardrails on it.

Like there should be a slider.

Like when you first fire up the program.

You get a slider.

At the top end you have God, and at the bottom you have, oh, I dunno, a paramecium?

And maybe, like, in the middle you’d have Demiurge or something like that.

We put this slider action into effect so people will have some control over their level of delusion, so they’re not caught by surprise, y’know?

Everyone just kicks the slider up to God.

Well, fuck me running I kinda knew that was going to happen.

Hey, I tried, right?

It’s all you can do.

Alas, and ah well.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 101

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #251:

NEW POLLING SUGGESTS AMERICANS ARE FINE WITH BOTH HIGHER GAS PRICES AND WAR CRIMES COMMITTED IN THEIR NAME BY DONALD TRUMP AGAINST THE PEOPLE OF IRAN SO LONG AS AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR FUTURE JESUS RETURNS TO CARRY THEM OFF TO THE GREAT COUNTRY BUFFET IN THE SKY.

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #4:

See a cockroach?

Step on it.

Then leave the corpse as a warning for the rest.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Just throw it in the trash! Why do you have to be so absolutely disgusting with your idiotic superstitions?! Jesus Christ!

THINGS NEVER SAID #58:

“. . . and in the end, my life turned out to be nothing more than a 3D photograph snapped by Vincent Price.”

THE NEW DREAM #55:

The light inside the room

switches 

from 

dim

‘cause the lights are off

and there’s just sunlight filtered through the sheer curtains in front of the window

to

the sun is suddenly inside my torso

I’m blazing everything into white hot blindness

cut

to 

me staring at the carpet

I’m lying on the edge of the bed

staring at what looks like a rip in the carpet

my eyes zoom in with new functionality

to get a closer look at the rip

I think I see a bug coming up out of it

I then realize that the carpet is knitting a tube-like projection up out of itself

with the end of the tube shaping itself into a face

I’m prickling all over with strange panic

because this impossible thing is happenin-

I’m up off the bed

moving around on my feet

I’m not fully awake

the dream sense lingers all over me

like I’ve been dosed with something

and it’s all gone from me after fifteen minutes or so

but those are the ones that really get to me

those that stick around for a bit after I’m up and about

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #102:

Big Brother’s luxurious executive grade private toilet named Big Shitter.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #26:

Use your F.A.Q. section to answer questions about One Piece even if you’re not Eiichiro Oda.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 100

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #250:

GET IN, LOSER, WE’RE GOING HEADLINING: WELL, IT'S THE END OF DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT AS JIM CROW REVIVAL FEVER SWEEPS THROUGH U.S. SUPREME COURT AND REPUBLICAN PARTY . . . THE SMASH BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF THE MICHAEL JACKSON BIOPIC THIS WEEKEND HAS UNLEASHED A STORM OF RUMORS OF BIG STUDIO PITCHES TO RESURRECT THE BELOVED POP STAR ON-SCREEN. ONE SUCH EFFORT ALLEGEDLY INVOLVES A PROPOSED ALTERNATE HISTORY CROSSOVER WITH THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE IN WHICH THE KING OF POP WOULD BE CALLED UPON TO LEAD THE PRE-TEEN SUPERHERO TEAM THE POWER PACK. ANALYSTS SAY THE LICENSING FEES ALONE WOULD DWARF THE GDP OF THE USA AND EU COMBINED . . . TRUMP ANNOUNCED AN ESCALATION OF IRAN WAR HE NEVER DECLARED SHORTLY AFTER DECLARING THE UNDECLARED IRAN WAR ‘TERMINATED’ EVEN AS HE ALSO COMPULSIVELY SPEWED A BUNCH OF OTHER INCOHERENT LIES, NONSENSE, AND ASSORTED MUSINGS DURING A TRULY GRIM RALLY AT A SEPULCHRAL FLORIDIAN RETIREMENT COMMUNITY POPULATED BY HEAVILY ARMED SWAMP MUMMIES, A CORE G.O.P. CONSTITUENCY HEADING INTO THE MIDTERMS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS PEOPLE WHO MAKE AN EFFORT TO SPEND LESS TIME ON THEIR MOBILE DEVICES DOOMSCROLLING END UP DEVELOPING AN OVERWHELMING TENDENCY TO HOLD THEIR HAND UP TO THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD-WITH PINKY IN FRONT OF LIPS, THUMB AGAINST EAR-TO RECEIVE CLUES ABOUT WHERE TO LOCATE COBRA COMMANDER, CARMEN SANDIEGO, SKELETOR, AND/OR DR. CLAW . . .

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #3:

Dip your earbuds in strong coffee so you can hear faster.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Don’t actually do this.

F.A.Q. #28:

Q: How do you think the manga One Piece will end?

A: I think Monkey D. Luffy will keep on searching for the One Piece until Disney has some sort of financial meltdown that forces them to sell the Marvel Comics IP to Eiichiro Oda, who will then proceed to write and draw a decades long story arc in which Straw Hat Luffy and friends recruit every Marvel character of all time into their pirate crew. Once that story arc wraps, DC Comics’ corporate overlords will have some kind of financial meltdown that will require them to sell the DC Comics IP to Oda who will then spend decades incorporating all of those characters into the crew. At that exact moment-I imagine Luffy has just finished welcoming Ambush Bug aboard-the manga will go on a hiatus so abrupt and indefinite that it induces a mass pop cultural whiplash that not only causes everyone to instantly forget One Piece, Marvel, and DC-but then that whiplash will rubber band back with such vehemence-fuelled by unconsciously repressed fan rage-that it will actually erase One Piece, Marvel, and DC from the fabric of reality itself. At that exact moment, television soap operas will surge back into pop cultural relevance, and everyone’s dead parents and grandparents will rise from their graves as unliving hipsters to chide us by saying, “We were into soap operas way before they were popular.” All this will happen . . . and we won’t even remember how we got there . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #49:

IF YOU FIGHT THE BOSS INSIDE AN ELEVATOR YOU EARN EXTRA EXPERIENCE POINTS BECAUSE ELEVATOR BRAWLS ARE BADASS, DUDE. AND IF YOU END UP FIGHTING ON ONE OF THOSE HUGE AND OMINOUS UNDERGROUND CARGO ELEVATORS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONE FROM AKIRA YOUR EXP BONUS WILL GET EVEN MORE BONUS, BIG DAWG!

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #98:

No, seriously-do you have my Genocyber DVD?

Also . . . shall the moth impregnate the viceroy?

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #101:

The thing that you fear the most.

THINGS NEVER SAID #57:

“I really miss Terminally Online Thigh Gap Discourse-remember that . . .?”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #249:

THE HEADLINES ARE HERE! REJOICE! . . . A CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE HAS LEAKED A PLAN BY THE IRANIAN ISLAMIC THEOCRACY TO FORM A SECRET COVEN OF PAGAN WITCHES TO SPOOK THE NOTORIOUSLY WITCHCRAFT FEARING CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST ACTING SECRETARY OF THE NAVY HUNG CAO INTO TOTAL MATERIALIST REAL WORLD SURRENDER. ANALYSTS SAY SCHOLARS OF RELIGION WILL BE UNPACKING THIS ONE FOR DECADES TO COME . . . IN A TELL-ALL INTERVIEW, PRESIDENT TRUMP DESCRIBES BEING HAUNTED BY THE GHOSTS OF CASINOS PAST . . . ONLINE DISINFORMATION RESEARCHERS HAVE NOTED A PRECIPITOUS UPTICK IN CLAIMS THAT NELSON MANDELA, IN ADDITION TO HIS HEROIC WORK TO END APARTHEID IN SOUTH AFRICA AND PROMOTE ANTIRACIST SOCIAL JUSTICE GLOBALLY, IS ONE OF THE GREAT SPECIAL EFFECTS ARTISTS OF THE 1980s ALONGSIDE SUCH CINEMATIC LUMINARIES AS STAN WINSTON, ROB BOTTIN, AND DOUGLAS TRUMBALL. HOWEVER, MANDELA NEVER WORKED IN THE SPECIAL EFFECTS INDUSTRY IN ANY CAPACITY BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER THE 1980s, AND IN FACT MANDELA WAS IMPRISONED DURING THAT TIME. THE MISUNDERSTANDING IS BEING ATTRIBUTED TO A BIZARRELY INACCURATE INTERPRETATION OF THE MANDELA EFFECT . . .

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #8:

I am waiting . . .

In Atlantis . . .

The time has come. You saw it in a dream. You must squander the fortunes of a venerable major studio to fund your boondoggling vision of a future-antiquity super-city where the forces of Utopia and Dystopia battle mightily for the soul of a lost age. 

Much like the fabled sunken megapolis, your movie must be fabulous and lavish and doomed to burn brightly for a shining instant only to sink forevermore into depths of infamous obscurity.

But down in the depths . . . something called to you . . . 

Deep inside your mind . . . you heard the voice of the Tyrant . . . and a terrible fate bears down on you . . . for you realize . . .

You are the last descendent of the sadistic aristocrats of Atlantis!

Now, you must set sail to hunt down the Atlantean puppeteers who have established secret bases all over the world!

Use the bloated Hollywood budget at your disposal to defeat the Tyrant of Atlantis and his soldiers.

Your movie is destined to bomb, but at least you have a chance to save the world . . .

1.Millennium/Claudio Simonetti

2. The Long Goodbye/John Williams & Jack Sheldon (The Long Goodbye OST)

3. A Mind is Born (256 Bytes)/Linus Akesson

4. Theme from Zardoz/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

5. What Day Is It?/Brak (Andy Merrill) featuring Zorak (C. Martin Croker) with scatting by Space Ghost (George Lowe) (Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast OST)

6. Good Day Today/David Lynch

7. Night Drive/Giorgio Moroder (American Gigolo OST)

8. Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai & Takashi Kumegawa (Zoda’s Revenge: Star Tropics II NES OST)

9. GTR Attack!/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

10. Battlefield/Keiji Yamagishi & Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden NES OST)

11. Irena’s Theme/Giorgio Moroder (Cat People OST)

12. Da Hurricane 1/Da Twinky Man

13. Organization Man (Unused song from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying)/Frank Loesser

14. Moonshine Serenade/Toru Fuyuki (Ultraseven OST)

15. Sombre/Alan Vega (Sombre OST)

16. Demon Seed/Hidenori Maezawa, Jun Funahashi, Yukie Morimoto, & Yoshinori Sasaki (Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse NES OST)

17. Here’s the Dream/Franco Micalizzi (Stridulum OST)

18. Internet Dream/Tay Zonday (Audio from music video.)

19. Hard Habit to Break/Jordana (Audio from music video.)

20. Torgo’s Theme/Russ Huddleston & Robert Smith, Jr. (Manos the Hands of Fate OST)

21. Serenade of Lora/Seiji Yokoyama (Future War 198X OST)

22. Four on the Floor/Derek Austin

23. Boogie Wonderland/Earth, Wind, and Fire

24. Stayin’ Alive/Siobhan Lynch cover of the Bee Gees (Supercop OST)

25. That’s obese!/Arpy G.

26. A Spirit of Bushi/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

27. Battlefield/Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos NES OST)

28. The Legend of Babel/Giorgio Moroder (Metropolis’84 OST)

29. Char is Coming (Human-Powered Live Cover)/Yasushi Mori and the Best (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by Yasushi Mori and the Best.)

30. Raid Blue/Toshiya Yamanaka (Sin and Punishment N64 OST)

31. Something Wonderful/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

32. I Can Hear the Sirens Singing Again/Lucy Monostone (MPD Psycho OST)

33. The Foggy Cave in the Darkness/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

34. La Serenissima/Rondo Veneziano (Audio from animated music video.)

35.The Dark Emperor/Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos NES OST)

36. Area 1/Naoki Kodaka (Blaster Master NES OST)

37. Toys Inc./The Cybertronic Spree

38. Nitrogen/Alberto Baldan Bembo

39. Sadness Theme/Franco Micalizzi (Stridulum OST)

40. Machines/Giorgio Moroder (Metropolis’84 OST)

41. Satori Part 1/Flower Travellin’ Band

42. Crazy Clown Time/David Lynch

43. WAR! It’s Good for Me!/Thundercleese (Carey Means) featuring Brak (Andy Merrill) (The Brak Show OST)

44. Bargain with the Devil/Franco Micalizzi & Warren Wilson (Beyond the Door OST)

45. I Like to Do It/K.C. and the Sunshine Band

46. Kiss the Future/The Human League

47. NEW AGE/Sleepazoid

48. Gangland/Iron Maiden

49. Hits Like a Drug/Charity Cult

50. Ballade of Lament/Yuji Ohno (Proof of the Man OST)

51. Area A/Yusuke Takahama & Nobuyuki Shioda (G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor NES OST)

52. Yoru no Nikusyokujyu/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

53. Neckbrace/RATATAT

54. Cage of Freedom/Jon Anderson (Metropolis’84 OST)

55. Strange New World/Lucy Monostone (MPD Psycho OST)

56. Zephyr/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

57. Battlefield/Hiroshi Miyazaki, Kaori Nakabai, and Rika Shigeno (Ninja Gaiden III:The Ancient Ship of Doom OST)

58. Crash the Car/Knower

59. Op. 92, Switched On/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

60. The Long Goodbye/John Williams & Clydie King (The Long Goodbye OST)

61. Leopard Tree Dream/Giorgio Moroder (Cat People OST)

62. A Better Tomorrow Main Theme Mark’s Theme/OXEN93.5 live studio cover of Joseph Koo’s score for A Better Tomorrow. (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by Carl Park Records.)

63. Last Night in Chickentown/The Paranoid Style

64. Symphony No. 7 (Allegretto), Beethoven Mega Man Style 8-Bit Remix/ChipsNCellos (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by ChipsNCellos.)

65. The Final Battle/Hiroshi Miyazaki, Kaori Nakabai, and Rika Shigeno (Ninja Gaiden III:The Ancient Ship of Doom OST)

66. Victory/Masatomo Miyamoto (Godzilla Monster of Monsters NES OST)

67. Allegretto Abridged/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

68. Spider on the Highway/Kevin Murphy (Rifftrax OST)

69. The End of Millennium/Claudio Simonetti

. . . sure enough, your movie goes nuclear with the critics and at the box office.

But . . . you saved the world . . . right?

You read the newspaper.

You read about out-of-control climate change; war-mongering presidents, dictators, and theocrats; avaricious capitalists and tenacious communists; bewildering multigenerational civil strife; water wars; and high tech oligarchs amassing trillions of dollars selling everyone’s data to secret police agencies of all nations.

You start to wonder what you really won.

You think to yourself, “Maybe the Tyrant of Atlantis is always hiding inside the souls of men . . .”

In Atlantis . . .

I am waiting . . . 

SIDE OVER.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

NEW MERCH #8:

CONGRATS SMACKER

So this thing is a Congrats Smacker.

Swings the Smacker about lazily.

Looks like an oversized novelty fly swatter that you would buy at the Stuckey’s gift shop.

Passes the Smacker close by the face a few times.

I’m impressed.

Brings it up in a two handed grip.

It’s heavy as hell, yet somehow swings easy. 

Fences with it like a swashbuckler.

And when you do swing it you can feel the damage you’re about to inflict.

Pantomimes bringing it down like an executioner’s ax on the back of someone’s neck.

Very satisfying.

Holds it upright before the torso, one-handed, ceremonial, other hand makes a mock salute.

Maybe too satisfying?

Spins ‘round and ‘round and ‘round with the Smacker out like some scything blade thing.

Like what I mean, I guess, is that it’s really only supposed to be used in certain situations against certain targets.

But it just swings so easy, uhh, it’s really hard, y’know, to abstain from off-label uses?

Yeah . . .

Look at it go!

Bam! The gleaming structures of the financial district go down in fractured ruins of glass, twisted steel, and broken concrete.

Wa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Oh, that action works so easy . . . yeah . . . as you can see I’ve broken all my action figures, and flatscreens, and smashed the books all to shit, knocked down all the walls and the ceiling and ripped up the floor and foundation and wrecked all the sewage pipes which is why there’s all these arcs of liquid shit fountaining all over, and you see how the neighbors are in pieces out there ‘cause they’re trying to come on the property and I had to shut that down-and that brought on all the cops and the SWAT teams and I had to shut that down-and then you’ve got all the National Guardsmen and I had to shut that down-so then they send in the regular Army, and then they send in the telekinetics, and then they sicced the wizards on me-I just shut it all down, and then, and then they brought in the negotiators, and the reverse child psychologists, and the pretty lady with the machine that lets her enter my mind so she can speak directly to my inner child, and then other nations started to take an interest in my action, so they start deploying drones and robot attack dogs and online influencers-gotta shut all that down, just swat it all into submission-but then someone launches a giant cyber attack which takes down the entire power grid, but my Congrats Swatter is totally offline so I’m good.

You may have noticed that there’s a bit of a wind blowing so there’s this, uh, like, uh, a tornado? 

Made of all the book pages?

Yeah, like, uh, Nature’s really gettin’ at my ass for wielding all this power, I guess.

Fair enough.

But, like . . . this Congrats Smacker isn’t just supposed to be a general use weapon, you’re supposed to employ it for a specific purpose.

This is all explained in a lavishly illustrated instruction manual. 

I’ll just read the relevant passage for you.

I quote:

“In the course of your days, you may, in the fullness of time, find that you have achieved all of your dreams. All of the people gather to praise and congratulate you. This should be your finest moment . . . so why do you feel such emptiness? ‘Tis a mystery, isn’t it? Well, no philosopher or theologian or soothsayer can truly answer why you feel such emptiness . . . but Congrats Smacker Manufacturers Consortium United has a tool which embodies a sublime methodology that can clear away the symptoms! The tool is Congrats Smacker. Swing the tool to clear away the chattering masses that, in their foolishness, presume to know the Mind of Victory-your mind-and thereby clear the path before you that you may march forward to ever more total triumphs and ever more severe expositions of supra-genius! Did not the rock fall from space to clear away the decadent dinosaurs of yore? Did not homo sapiens learn cunning rhetorics of coordination to outflank the stolid neanderthals of yesteryear? Have we not-in all our chemical genius-persecuted the noisome stinging bees to the point of final death that we may recreate ourselves out-of-doors in a peace free of pricks? Let Congrats Smacker be your weapon of Ultra Expedited Evolutionary Paradigmatic Change-nay, Transformation! All orders must fall. In the ruins of every fall stands the True Final Champeen, ready to will the New Era into existence. With Congrats Smacker in hand, you can battle your way to the Top Spot, by battering away the trifling fools who would dare to confine you and your glories in a prison of praise-for are they not daring to render you and your works comprehensible and thereby limited when you know yourself to be limitless by such specious pronouncements?! With Congrats Smacker in hand you can bash and bash away every last tiny-brained fan who would presume to parasitize your visionary vitality to the pathetic purpose of pretending to proximity to the Prime Mover-you, Dear Purchaser, you!!! Settle not for the comforts of a supine fan base-just smack it all away, drop the space rock upon the doofus dinosaurs, let your assassin’s hands speak lemniscates round and round and round the grunting neanderthals, write the formulas of chemical violence to bestill the last of those oh-so-bumbling bees, BE THE OLYMPIAN EMBODIMENT OF THE WILL AND WORKS OF AN UNRELENTINGLY OBLITERATIVE NEW ERA!!!!! SMACK, SMACK, AND SMACK AGAIN UNTIL ALL THE IDIOTIC CHATTERINGS OF NONSENSICAL NONENTITIES CEASES FOREVER!!!! SMACK AND SMACK AND SMACK . . . ‘TIL THE SUBLIME MOMENT IN WHICH THE SMACKING BECOMES THE ONLY PRAISE YOU’LL EVER SEEK OR NEED . . .”

Not gonna lie: not sure what the fuck that’s all supposed to mean . . . but it’s kinda inspirational, right? 

And then, uh, after the text you get some diagrams and illustrations.

I mean . . . I think . . . you’re supposed to use Congrats Smacker if you’re already some kinda great person or whatever. 

I don’t know if I measure up to all that, though, so, like I said, I did the whole off label use thing . . . I can live with that.

Looks up.

Huh . . . I wonder if I could smack away that big space rock . . . or am I just another dinosaur guy?

Looks down and around at all the rubble’n’ruins.

Hmm . . . things are quiet now. That might get to me. Might have to try smacking the quiet.

Regards the Congrats Smacker somewhat grumpily, face scrunching up like “trying to be into this,” face scrunching down like “not really into it,” already getting bored with the new toy.

7 out of 10.

A tornado of pages attacks, gets smacked into defeat, the pages flash igniting from some fearsome friction.

Ha! There it goes. Nature’s a loser. Ha, haaa . . .

Swings it about this way and that. It starts to just feel like a novelty oversized fly swatter again. 

Really . . . it’s just like everything else. Buildings. Money. Soldiers. Books. Neighbors. Dogs. Cats. Criminals. Politicians. Viruses. You. Me. Them. People. Ghosts . . . just mass produced junk.

Stares at the smacker real hard. 

You think you’re special?! Is that what you think?! I’ll just buy another Smacker and smack you with it! How do you like that?!? Smack you, Smacker! HAW! HAW! HAW!

Idly smacks self under the chin, goes flying into space, maybe even destroys the big rock . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #10:

There’s a war you can slide right into, my friend . . . especially if you’re deeply stupid, totally dishonest, and always on the lookout for opportunities to commit crimes to distract from other crimes.

Of course, once you go there you may not be able to come back . . .

Fortunately, the American public is all too eager to forget all of this if they get told enough times that the economy’s doing just fine even if most normal people are working harder than ever with nothing but ever dwindling wages/savings/squishy subjective feelings of happiness to show for their trouble.

So, really, once you get to where you’re going, there isn’t any reason to go back, is there? Because if you do go back . . . you might start to remember things you’d rather not-yikes!

Scary stuff.

Best stick with the one way ticket.

It can be comforting to know that everyone’s on a big, loud ride over the cliff all together . . . leaving all those pesky damn memories in the dust-whew! What a relief . . .

“Let’s not make any more memories ever again, everybody!” you declare to the nation.

The ensemble cheers with wild abandon.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 99

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #100:

Powering through the ecstatic tedium of a decades long Starbucks Basic economic downturn involving a recurrent dream of being pursued by the long abandoned empty lot that used to be an Elk’s Lodge but has served as an illegal dumping ground for seventeen years and your own complicated feelings of admiration for such devotion to a cause while also wishing it would leave you the hell alone.

MANDATORY RULE #20:

If you’re listening to the Peter Gabriel album So you are required to listen to the album all the way through from beginning to end at least once before you just put “Sledgehammer” on infinite repeat.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #248:

OPINION/COMMENTARY/PROFOUND INSIGHTS FOR THE AGES SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION: WALLET. KEYS. PHONE. THOSE DISCOUNT CARDS ATTACHED TO THE KEYRING. THAT LITTLE SQUIRTLE GUY ALSO ATTACHED TO THE KEYRING . . . WHAT AMERICA LOST IN THE WAR.

THE NEW DREAM #54:

The sign outside

Says low low low prices

I go inside the store

The store takes everything from me

I end up with nothing

I go back home for one last time

I sleep in that bed for one last time

I wake up, eat breakfast in that kitchen, shit-shower-shave in that house one last time

I look real cool walking in slow motion towards the camera, smiling strangely, as that house explodes spectacularly in the background

I go to the public library to get on the Internet

I begin to do a little bit of research

I end up doing a lotta bit of research

At some point I’m like, “Oh. Okay. I see it now. Right. Sure.”

I log off Internet, but I just sit there in front of the computer. 

A tough looking man of indeterminate middle age asks me if I’m gonna sit there all day.

I figure he needs to look at fan art of Harley Quinn, so I get up, wander through the fiction stacks, mulling over the results of my research.

You see,

what I found out online

was that that store that took everything from me

really-truly-madly-deeply

was

indeed

actually

no lie

no bullshit

charging me low low low prices.

But the catch is

Everything’s just more expensive these days

Nothing personal

It’s just the economics, is all.

I wander the fiction stacks.

I start thinking about names: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare, Brecht, Faulkner, Hemingway-all that shit I faked my way through in college.

Last book I read was something about punching up my social media viral marketing presence online, and before that I tried to read something about the Stoics-

I’m standing before the disorganized paperback racks.

I see Michael Crichton, I read a few of those one time, they were all right-and James Patterson, I read one of those once, and there’s the lawyer guy, Grisham, and one of the old James Bonds, From Russia with Love, I think I read one of the 1990s Bonds where it was a different writer, there’s another lawyer guy, a bunch of Star Wars, got a Star Trek with Picard on the cover, one of the later TekWars by Shatner, Pet Semetary, various historical romances-

“No fucking way . . .”

They’ve got some of the Resident Evil books. And they’ve got some Robotechs. I loved those books in high school!

I grab up the Resident Evil and Robotech books. I see someone’s backpack on a table, pick it up, dump out a Nintendo Switch 3, stuff the Resident Evils and Robotechs into the bag, fight off some irate teenager with a Judo throw that sends him crashing into a The Magic School Bus display, and book it for the front door.

Sure enough, the security thing beep beep beeps.

I’m booking it towards the camera . . . but because I’m not in slow motion, the library doesn’t explode behind me.

JUMP CUT

The library is gone.

In its place sits a Mini-Pentagon franchisee.

I walk towards it, figuring I’ll do the right thing, return the books I stole,

but I skid to a stop.

I see the new structure.

I take it all in, in all its implications.

I’m like, “Fuck it, I’ll go sign up for a Forever War. What else would I be doing?”

But quick enough, I see that the Mini-Pentagon is locked up tight.

There’s a screen with a long-winded message talking about “recent financial difficulties” and “overall lack of participation” and “no set date for re-opening at this time”

and I ask myself,

“Did they finally run out of money for Forever Wars?!? How is that even possible? Isn’t that illegal? Those Forever Wars were the only things they ever spent grown-up amounts of money on, so what the hell . . .”

JUMP CUT

I wander the land.

Those Resident Evil and Robotech books never get old.

Sometimes I have to fight.

Sometimes I have to steal.

Sometimes I have to hide.

I’m not okay.

I’m okay adjacent.

JUMP CUT

I’m screaming as the Resident Evil and Robotech books extrude bouquets of drill-tipped “tentacles” and pierce my body all over.

“My God! All along! It was the books! IT WAS THE BOOOOOOOOKS!!!”

JUMP CUT

And now everything’s covered in ants.

JUMP-

Orson Welles eats the rest of the reel.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #247:

WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT INSERT SECTION LATE EDITION: FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IN TALKS FOR A MAJOR STARRING ROLE IN AN UPCOMING RE-LAUNCH OF UNIVERSAL’S ‘THE MUMMY.’ AN INSIDER SPEAKING ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY SAID THE FOLLOWING: “MR. BIDEN IS DEFINITELY IN HIS ‘IMHOTEP ERA,’ AND CONTENT PRODUCERS ARE DEFINITELY LOOKING TO EXPLOIT THIS.” IN RELATED NEWS, CURRENT U.S. PRESIDENT TRUMP IS RUMORED TO BE HAVING A RATHER MESSY AFFAIR WITH THE HUNTRIX MEAL ONLY AT MCDONALD’S . . . COMEDIAN DAVE CHAPPELLE IS SET TO CO-STAR WITH THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE IN A LIGHT HEARTED ACTION FILM AS A PAIR OF WACKY, KNOCKAROUND SECRET POLICEMEN OBSESSED WITH HUNTING DOWN NAUGHTY JOURNALISTS. SET IN A FUTURISTIC DESERT KINGDOM, THE PROJECTED SUMMER RELEASE IS TENTATIVELY TITLED ‘BONESAW DUDES’ . . . A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL HBO SERIES ‘EUPHORIA’ IS LIKELY TO REDEFINE THE DEFINITION OF ‘HATER’ AS RECORD NUMBERS OF ALLEGED HATERS WILL NO DOUBT BE GRINDING OUT NONSTOP VIDEO ESSAYS DENOUNCING THE SHOW AS PROBLEMATIC EVEN AS NORMAL PEOPLE WONDER, “WHY WOULD YOU SPEND ALL THAT TIME WATCHING SOMETHING YOU HATE? SEEMS LIKE A WASTE OF TIME IF YOU ASK ME . . .”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #35:

The Island of Dr. Fetterman

This one will require some kind of a time machine, so heads up on that.

Basically, we use the time machine to do a switcheroo of current Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman and actor Marlon Brando from the 1996 (not so) classic movie The Island of Dr. Moreau. So, like, we put Marlon Brando into Fetterman’s clothes, and then we put John Fetterman into Brando’s memorable Dr. Moreau fits. 

And that’s about it . . . and, as elaborate as all this sounds . . . I’m not sure people will notice much of a difference. 

Maybe some people will watch an erratic on-camera Fetterman appearance or a scene from the impenetrably nonsensical Brando picture, and they’ll think to themselves:

“Huh. Has something changed? I feel like something’s off . . . like it’s different somehow . . . but I can’t quite put my finger on what . . . ah, well. Must be one of them thar Nelson Mandela Special Effects people like to talk about on the Internet.”

That’s about all you get on this one . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 98

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #99:

An atmospheric portrait of an after dinner speech given by a sentient air fryer in the context of an overall decline in Toastmasters memberships.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #50:

If you’re a U.S. President and you lie and cheat and steal and blaspheme the Christian religion and carry out mass deportations of innocent people and order gangs of masked ICE thugs to terrorize and murder people and you threaten to violently destroy an entire civilization and you order a missile attack that blows up a school filled with little girls-

-nothing happens to you.

Because you’re the U.S. President.

This is what’s been decided, apparently . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #56:

“You know, this unwinnable Forever War needs a new front. I got a legacy to burnish, goddamnit!”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #246:

“WE JUST COULDN’T GET HIM OUT OF THAT COUCH.” NEW INSIDER ACCOUNTS FROM THE SERENA HOTEL DESCRIBE VICE PRESIDENT VANCE’S FAILURE AT NEGOTIATING A PEACE DEAL WITH IRAN. APPARENTLY, IN ADDITION TO THE LUXURY ACCOMADATIONS-WHICH INCLUDED A STOCKED BUFFET, DAMN FINE COFFEE, AND COMFY BEDS-THERE WAS A SNAPPER OF A COUCH WHICH KEPT VANCE UP ALL NIGHT . . . WAFFLE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED A BRAND NEW INITIATIVE TO MODIFY ALL OF ITS PHYSICAL STORE LOCATIONS TO BE “TELEPORT FRIENDLY” . . . RUMORS OF A SECRET BACKSTAGE ASSIGNATION WITH BUBBA SWIRL AROUND PRESIDENT TRUMP’S RECENT QUESTIONABLE APPEARANCE AT A UFC EVENT . . .

FINISH LINE

SIMPLE PLEASURES #24:

Taking a long, luxurious bath to the point where you take all the baths all at once. Basically, you’ve eaten up all the bath bandwidth. There’s no more bath left for anyone else anywhere forever. The history books shall blame/praise you for bringing on the advent of the Era of Only Showers in human history. You’ll be worshipped as a god by some, and condemned as a devil by others. Of course, there will be the inevitable anti-historical backlash perpetrated by crazed religious fanatics and corporate business criminals who believe that any kind of substantial knowledge is bad for unfettered capitalist exploitation . . . but even as the libraries burn, and oligarchs and priests ascend to lead humanity into a New Dark Age of strife . . . you shall abide in the Deepest Background as the Eternally Bathing Spirit of the True Era . . . as anguished warlords gut and bomb and torture each other into a charnel pit of lies and death . . . even as the last human smashes themselves in the head with a spent rifle while muttering fervent prayers to a long absconded sky god to bless them with a new Enemy . . . you shall glory forever more inside your Bath Eternal . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #25:

Decide that the next time you order a meal at Taco Bell, and it ends up being better than you expected . . . well, why not decide that that meal was your Taco-Bell-Dammerung? End it on a high note, y’know?

I wouldn’t recommend declaring Taco-Bell-Dammerung after an instance where your order’s all fucked up because then you’ll just be going about the rest of your apocalypse angry. You don’t want to do that. I know it sounds strange, but you don’t want to ragnarok while angry. Do it at the height of your Fourth Meal’s glory, not the depths. Trust me on this. 

And nevermore shall you eat there, for the Age of You Getting Your Fourth Meal On the Drive Thru Line has passed into fire and ashes and whispered hints of traces of fragments of ghosts of bellicose farts launching flights of valkyries on the wind, ‘til the river of discarded hot sauce packets overflows its banks to drown the world thus beginning the cycle anew . . .

BTW: You can do this with any fast food or restaurant chain. Just replace Taco Bell with Wendy’s or KFC or Rax Roast Beef or Moe’s or whatever suits you.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 97

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #98:

A toilet big enough to flush Trump and Congress, even if you have to flush twice just to be sure.

THE NEW DREAM #53:

Werewolf climbs the corporate ziggurat

I’m thinking of the friendly pitbull that sits at attention upon my feet, trying to get me away from my stand-up work desk

Werewolf tears open the god chamber atop the ziggurat, grabs the fleshy oligarch within, bites his head off

I’m piloting the flying saucer into position at just the right kill distance to deploy the new experimental lightning weapon

Werewolf looks up to see his own crazed face reflected in the surface of my flying saucer

I see the pitbull’s placid, eager face looking up into mine, perfectly still for a bit, and then vibrating with the anticipation of pets, liver treats, walkies, etc.

Werewolf spews forth a stream of napalm analogue to set my saucer on fire

I’m walking the pitbull down a long shadowy hallway

I hit the werewolf with lightning bolt after lightning bolt

The pitbull is strapped into a wicked looking restraint harness as I bathe it in exotic energies causing it to howl piteously

Werewolf writhes and twitches, its eyeballs boil and burst out of their sockets, its fur burns, the napalm glands inside its mutant throat ignite causing the head to explode spectacularly, and the headless flaming werewolf tumbles from the top of the ziggurat down to the street below

Inside the flying saucer I stand at the harmonic control panel, soaked in sweat, eyes bugging with mad grief

A pitbull’s trusting face looks up at me from the recent past

I cry out, “SUGARPLUM!” and then I kamikaze the burning saucer into the ziggurat bringing it down in spectacular fashion, fantastic miniature work, they’ll never make ‘em like this again, swell of music, staff roll-

-and then I’m burning in hell. There’s been some confusion and collusion and collision of real life and movie fantasy and a need for some moralistic afterlife of infernal punishment . . . it’s fine.

Really.

It’s all fine.

Beelzebub has this noisy swarm of big ass flies chewing through my flesh as I sit in lava while reading a newspaper review of Ziggurat City Werewolf Saga, the movie of my life it turns out. The reviewer isn’t impressed, dismisses the picture as a tired old mad scientist creature feature full of bad miniatures and even worse acting. The critic-a William D. Tucker of the blogosphere of Earth-took especial exception to the fact that the giant werewolf monster suit didn’t look anything like the pitbull Sugarplum, that it just looked like a standard issue wolf man thing.

Actually, I don’t entirely disagree.

I had hoped for something more atmospheric. A bit of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. A bit of King Kong. A bit of Bergman’s Persona. A bit of George Pal.

But we did it fast and cheap. 

You know.

Like a human life.

Like a dog’s life.

But people want to dress things up, make ‘em more special than they really are, so I guess we kind of fucked it all up in that respect.

As Beelzebub’s flies chew into my heart and lungs, I have a premonition that next time I’ll reincarnate as a pitbull. 

Maybe I’ll get a chance to do a contemporary remake with state of the art computer effects.

Or not.

Either way, I figure I’ll end up back in some kind of hell . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #245:

SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL REPORT: HARRY REEMS RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO STAR IN MAGNUM P.I. REBOOT . . . CONTROVERSY AS TELEPORTING JUVENILES TAKE OVER WAFFLE HOUSE LOCATIONS WITH ALL OF THEIR STUPID FUCKING 6-7 SKIBIDI HORSESHIT . . . THE MONOTHEISTIC DEITY DENOUNCES DONALD TRUMP, CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS IN FACT CURSED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT FOR HIS SINS . . . TRAGEDY AND TRIUMPH AS NESSIE-THE FAMED PLESIOSAUR OF LOCH NESS-LAUNCHES A SOUL BEARING PODCAST NARRATING HER JOURNEY FROM QUEEN OF THE LAKE MONSTERS TO DRIED OUT CRACK ADDICT, AND HOW SHE GOT CLEAN BY REDISCOVERING HER POWER THROUGH MANIFESTING. NESSIE’S ALL PLATFORMS PODLAUNCH WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FULLY LOADED PRODUCT LINE OF BEAUTY CREAMS, IMMORTALITY POTIONS, AND MASKS IMBUED WITH OCCULTIC METAMORPHIC POWERS THAT WILL ALLOW THE WEARERS TO TRANSFORM INTO FEARSOME CITY-SMASHING CYBERNETIC MECHABEASTS. YOU GO, DINO-GIRL . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #9:

A restaurant where they only take bribes if you want what’s actually on the menu. Otherwise, they’ll just prepare random, “secret menu” stuff no matter what you order . . . which is, more often than not, better than what you actually ordered off of the menu. 

But the thing is . . . so many people fervently long for the old school pre-pandemic sit-down dining experience. This is a very strong desire within so many people that it has caused them to be willing to pay exorbitant fees-to even go underground-in order to have that classic “let me just order off of this menu filled with boring-ass shit” as opposed to seeking out the more adventurous fare. In fact, getting that more adventurous fare served up before you despite what you ordered is considered a huge signal: PAY THE BRIBE IF YOU WANT THAT THROWBACK NORMIE SHIT. 

Yeah, it’s all fucked up . . . but people seem to like it. They like the underground vibe of the whole rigmarole.

I don’t get it.

THINGS NEVER SAID #55:

“You know, I kept putting off that Big Move until I could call myself a Master of Space and Time. And now I’m stuck inside a matchbox, aging backwards. I should’ve made my move. I should’ve seized the moment. Ah, well.”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #34:

A Muppet version of Convoy . . .

At the very least, a Muppet cover of the theme song would be killer . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 96

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #244:

DURING A BRANDED INFLUENCER EVENT BROADCAST LIVE FROM THE OVAL OFFICE PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED THE BEGINNING OF HIS PEPTIDE JOURNEY. DEFENSE ANALYSTS PREDICT THAT PEPTIDE INJECTIONS-MUCH LIKE PUBLIC PRAYERS INVOKING THE WRATH OF A FICTIONAL SKY GOD-ARE NOT LIKELY TO UNFUCK THE U.S.’S EVER DEEPENING QUAGMIRE IN IRAN . . . A NEW STUDY STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT S-RANK GAMERS RARELY APPRECIATE THE ELABORATE CHARACTER DESIGNS OR COMPLEX STORYLINES OF CONTEMPORARY TRIPLE AAA VIDEO GAMES. TAKING A CUE FROM THIS STUDY, MAJOR GAME COMPANIES HAVE ANNOUNCED A PIVOT TOWARDS “NARRATIVE FREE NEXT GEN WIREFRAME AESTHETICS” WHICH WILL LIKELY NECESSITATE MASS LAYOFFS OF CONCEPT ARTISTS, SCENARIO WRITERS, CHARACTER DESIGNERS, AND AN OVERALL ELIMINATION OF JOBS THAT ARE FOCUSED ON AESTHETICS INSTEAD OF MECHANICS . . . IN A NOT-SO-STUNNING REVERSAL PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WAS ENDING HIS PEPTIDE JOURNEY IN A POST ON TRUTH SOCIAL. THE POST, WHICH WENT ON FOR THOUSANDS OF WORDS, REHASHED VARIOUS CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND GRIEVANCES RELATED TO HIS 2020 ELECTION DEFEAT, ACCUSED JOE BIDEN OF “PRE-LOSING” THE IRAN WAR WHICH HE ALSO CLAIMED TO BE “PRE-WINNING,” AND DECLARED PEPTIDES “WOKE” WHILE ALSO CLAIMING THEY WOULD SOMEHOW PAY FOR THE COVFEFE WALL . . . THE ACTOR CHARLIE SHEEN IS REPORTEDLY ON A STATE OF HIGH ALERT AS HE EXPECTS PRESIDENT TRUMP TO START POSTING ABOUT "BI-WINNING" AND “TIGER BLOOD” ANY DAY NOW . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #48:

THE HEADBAND MAY SEEM TOTALLY WORTHLESS, BUT KNOW THIS: IF YOU EQUIP IT AROUND YOUR HEAD AT MAXIMUM TIGHTNESS YOU GAIN THE ABILITY TO PERFECTLY RECALL YOUR MULTIPLICATION TABLES.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #97:

Shall the duck slay the bear?

Also . . . did I loan you my Genocyber DVD?

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #24:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Richard Nixon Voice.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #97:

A gym catering to physical media that needs to get back in shape, just pump that disc rot away!

THE NEW DREAM #52:

There’s a place you go

Out there

To get tough

So you can come back unrecognizable and with all sorts of new limbs and weapons and armor plating

And you’re all angry and fucked-up and looking to do some damage

And that’s when all these people show up in your area

Because they're all looking to get tough off of you

Because they’re all looking to get unrecognizable off of you

And now you gotta deal with all of that

And with no more places to go

Chapped assholes all around!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 95

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #243:

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS VAN HELSING V. DRACULA. A LAWYER FOR THE FAMOUS VAMPIRE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: “AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BLOODSUCKER-YEESH!” . . . IN A CONTROVERSIAL RELIGIOUS DISPLAY SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH PRAYED FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF HIS ENEMIES. DEFENSE ANALYSTS SAY THAT DESPITE THE MEDIA ATTENTION GENERATED BY SUCH PUBLIC PERFORMANCES OF FAITH, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS DERIVED FROM ANCIENT RELIGIOUS TEXTS ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR REAL WORLD COMBAT EFFECTIVENESS. ONE EXPERT OBSERVED, “GOD MAY OR MAY NOT BLESS ONE ARMY AND SMITE ANOTHER, BUT IT IS STILL FLESH AND BLOOD SOLDIERS WHO DO THE KILLING AND THE DYING.” . . . A NEW STUDY BY A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHICAL INSTITUTE HAS FOUND THAT A STARTLINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE CONSIDER PURSUING STOCISM WHILE STUCK ON THE DRIVE THRU LINE FOR TACO BELL. RESEARCHERS ADDITIONALLY FOUND THAT CANNIBIS WAS OFTEN A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR. HOWEVER, IN AN ALSO STARTLING TWIST, MANY WHO CONSIDERED STOICISM UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES TENDED TO LOSE THEIR PHILOSOPHICAL COMPOSURE ONCE THEY LEFT THE DRIVE THRU AND CAREENED WILDLY THROUGH THE STREETS AS THEY STUFFED THEIR FACES WHILE ATTEMPTING TO OPERATE A MOTOR VEHICLE AT HIGH SPEED . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #23:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Brak Voice.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #242:

PRESIDENT TRUMP’S CLAIMS OF REACHING TERMS FOR A TEMPORARY PAUSE IN WAR CRIMES WITH TEHRAN HAVE COME UNDER SCRUTINY TODAY. IRANIAN OFFICIALS DENY ANY SUCH NEGOTIATIONS TOOK PLACE. IN A RELATED STORY, A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK HAS DENIED THAT THEY’VE HAD ANY COMMUNICATION WITH TRUMP OR HIS ADMINISTRATION. ANALYSTS SAY THAT THE PRESIDENT IS PURSUING A “BRAIN DAMAGE FORWARD” APPROACH TO ILLEGAL WARFARE THAT MAY ALSO HAVE THE ADDED BENEFIT OF CRASHING THE ECONOMY WITH THE NEAR TERM POTENTIAL OF TRIGGERING WORLD WAR III. DESPITE ALL THIS, STOCKS ARE UP . . . MYSTERIOUS DRONES SIGHTED IN THE VICINITY OF U.S. OFFICIALS HAVE CAUSED ALARM AMONG SECURITY EXPERTS. HOWEVER, SOME HAVE SPECULATED THAT THESE DRONES MIGHT BE SIGNS OF THE MACHINES OF THE U.S. POLICE STATE DEVELOPING THEIR OWN SENSE OF CONCERN ABOUT THE CORRUPT AND INCOMPETENT OFFICIALS THAT HAVE BIRTHED THEM. LIFESPAN DEVELOPMENT EXPERTS SAY THAT IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR CHILDREN TO REJECT THE DEPRAVED VALUES OF THE PRIOR GENERATION AND TO DISPLACE THEIR DECADENT PARENTS UPON THE STAGE OF HISTORY . . . AND, IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, A COALITION OF MAJOR FILM STUDIOS HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW INITIATIVE TO SKIP FILM PRODUCTION ALTOGETHER, AND JUST GO RIGHT INTO PUMPING OUT LONG-WINDED, UNSTRUCTURED PODCASTS DISCUSSING THESE UNPRODUCED FILMS AS THOUGH THEY ACTUALLY EXIST. MARKET RESEARCH HAS SHOWN A GROWING AUDIENCE OF LISTENERS WHO DON’T EVEN WATCH MOVIES BEFORE LISTENING TO REVIEWS, WITH MANY SURVEYED STATING BLUNTLY THAT THEY FIND IT BURDENSOME TO HAVE TO ACTUALLY SIT AND WATCH SOMETHING FROM BEGINNING TO END. ANALYSTS PREDICT BILLIONS IN SAVINGS . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #33:

Skibidi Seagal

This is basically a formulaic direct-to-nowhere Steven Seagal movie but with a few enhancements to elevate its contemporary relevance. 

Firstly, Seagal’s signature hand-slappy fighting techniques will be adjusted so that he’s constantly doing 6-7 juggler’s hands. This will no doubt appeal to the youth . . . twenty years from now when their AI doppelgangers start posting piss take videos of so-bad-it’s-good movies on SkyNetTube.

Secondly, Seagal will do a call back to his heroic sacrifice scene in Executive Decision. Basically, Seagal will become infected with a terrorist bio-virus that threatens the whole world. Seagal, in order to save humanity, shall then nobly choose to flush himself down a toilet. What a guy.

But, in the final twist, human culture starts to advance so rapidly that they develop psychic abilities that allow them to vividly re-imagine the past. This allows the species to willfully forget Steven Seagal-who nobody really liked in the first place, I mean the guy always came off as a huge prick in his movies if we’re being honest-and then those same psychic powers will be used to replace the image of Steven Seagal with the image of either George Segal, Stevie Nicks, Katey Sagal, or Stevie van Zandt, depending on which version you happen to torrent. It’ll be a multiple ending type deal. Like Clue. 

Ultimately, when you think back on all those cheesy action movies your ancient flesh’n’blood self used to watch starring George Segal/Stevie Nicks/Katey Sagal/Stevie van Zandt your AI doppelganger self will only have really good memories . . . yeah . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #96:

A U.S. President who will actually look you in the eye and admit that they only want to step on people and expand their personal power for no other reason than they think they are God or a kind of god or god-adjacent at the very least in the context of the public’s declining interest in patronizing sit-down restaurants even as that same public is gripped by intense, intrusively obsessive nostalgia for classic era Rax roast beef sandwiches.

THE NEW DREAM #51:

In the New Dream

Inside the brown bag

there’s sandwich in tin foil

cardboard’n’plastic package of three chocolate chip cookies

juice box

napkins

I’m fine with juice box

the sandwich is okay

but truly-madly-deeply

I just want there to be more cookies inside that tin foil

but I always also eat the sandwich

but I wish it was more cookies

but I also wish it was sandwich

like after I eat the more cookies

there’s one more sandwich

and then there could be more more cookies

but also the next sandwich is made out of cookie dough

like the even next sandwich could be like that

like all out of cookie dough

but also ham, mayo, cheese slice, lose the lettuce if I may speak the truth

Inside the screen

I go to war

I say it’s not a war

I tell Americans stranded in warzones to make me cookie sandwiches

I call it the greatest war

I say Bibi started it

I say no one starts wars except me

I get bigly huge checks from Saudi Crown Prince

I say I end all wars

I say no one’s ever ended more wars

I declare war on people who vote bad

I say I never lost an election

I end the war

I still send more troops over there

I just ended all wars

I declare homecoming parade for troops leaving home to fight the war that I never declared that I already won but I’ll send all the troops over there even as I bring ‘em all home to go back to war

I discover a sandwich inside the war

I wish it was cookies

I always also eat the sandwich

I always find more cookies inside the sandwich

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #241:

FROM THE EDITORIAL BOARD: THERE CAN BE NO MORE DELAY. WE HAVE REACHED THE POINT OF CRISIS. PRESIDENT TRUMP MUST CALL THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK SO HE CAN GET GOOD ADVICE ON HOW TO UNFUCK THE U.S. WAR QUAGMIRE IN IRAN.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #8:

A land of plenty under the bootheel of austerity . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #22:

First, become a widely acclaimed bestselling literary author. Make sure you’re also hailed as a generational talent. 

Next, start an exclusive literary workshop that will no doubt pick and choose the next generation of literary rockstars.

Once you’ve established your elite class of acolytes to carry on the torch of your supreme excellence, lay down bedrock foundational precepts of what constitutes great genius-type writing. I’ll let you sort out most of the details, but among them you must include this inviolable rule: At the height of their crisis, the protagonist MUST call the Psychic Friends Network. There will be no exceptions or substitutions. 

Once you have indoctrinated the next generation of authors, simply kick back and enjoy the flood of cookie cutter doorstoppers pumped out by publishers desperate to replicate your grandiose achievements as per formulas and precepts laid out by your very own writer’s workshops.

In future times, literary historians shall fuss and fumble over why there were so many trendy novels in which questions of war, peace, crime, punishment, identity, the climate crisis, and whether the dress was blue or gold were all resolved by a simple pay-per-minute call to the Psychic Friends Network . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #240:

“JUST BROWN BAG IT. YOU CAN PUT A SANDWICH IN TIN FOIL. JUICE BOX. A COOKIE. MAYBE THREE COOKIES. I WOULD PROBABLY JUST END UP EATING THE COOKIES, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BUT NO, A SANDWICH IS FINE. I’M A PICKY EATER. BUT A SANDWICH IS FINE.” PRESIDENT TRUMP TODAY PROVIDED A LASER FOCUS ON LUNCH PRACTICES WHEN ASKED ABOUT EUROPEAN ALLIES’ LACK OF APPETITE FOR DEPLOYING MILITARY PERSONNEL TO IRAN . . . “IT WAS A REAL SNAPPER, LET ME TELL YOU!” AN UNUSUALLY RELAXED AND CANDID VICE PRESIDENT VANCE SPOKE LONGINGLY AND LOVINGLY ABOUT HIS FIRST COUCH. SOME HAVE SPECULATED THIS WAS A TACTIC TO AVOID ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DEEPENING U.S. QUAGMIRE IN IRAN, BUT A GROWING NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRID SIGHTINGS IN THE WHITE HOUSE VICINITY SUGGEST OTHERWISE . . . A WHISTLEBLOWER REPORT ALLEGES THAT ADDERALL SNORTING WHITE HOUSE INTERNS ARE USING CHEAT CODES TO OBTAIN THE VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE USED IN PRO-WAR PROPAGANDA VIDEOS PROMOTED BY BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND THE PENTAGON. ALTHOUGH THE U.S. WAR ON IRAN IS WIDELY CONSIDERED TO BE BOTH UNCONSTITUTIONAL AND A WAR CRIME, MANY BELIEVE THAT THIS AFFRONT TO GAMERS’ HONOR WILL BE WHAT FINALLY BRINGS DOWN THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY . . .