NOTIONAL HEADLINE #250:

GET IN, LOSER, WE’RE GOING HEADLINING: WELL, IT'S THE END OF DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT AS JIM CROW REVIVAL FEVER SWEEPS THROUGH U.S. SUPREME COURT AND REPUBLICAN PARTY . . . THE SMASH BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF THE MICHAEL JACKSON BIOPIC THIS WEEKEND HAS UNLEASHED A STORM OF RUMORS OF BIG STUDIO PITCHES TO RESURRECT THE BELOVED POP STAR ON-SCREEN. ONE SUCH EFFORT ALLEGEDLY INVOLVES A PROPOSED ALTERNATE HISTORY CROSSOVER WITH THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE IN WHICH THE KING OF POP WOULD BE CALLED UPON TO LEAD THE PRE-TEEN SUPERHERO TEAM THE POWER PACK. ANALYSTS SAY THE LICENSING FEES ALONE WOULD DWARF THE GDP OF THE USA AND EU COMBINED . . . TRUMP ANNOUNCED AN ESCALATION OF IRAN WAR HE NEVER DECLARED SHORTLY AFTER DECLARING THE UNDECLARED IRAN WAR ‘TERMINATED’ EVEN AS HE ALSO COMPULSIVELY SPEWED A BUNCH OF OTHER INCOHERENT LIES, NONSENSE, AND ASSORTED MUSINGS DURING A TRULY GRIM RALLY AT A SEPULCHRAL FLORIDIAN RETIREMENT COMMUNITY POPULATED BY HEAVILY ARMED SWAMP MUMMIES, A CORE G.O.P. CONSTITUENCY HEADING INTO THE MIDTERMS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS PEOPLE WHO MAKE AN EFFORT TO SPEND LESS TIME ON THEIR MOBILE DEVICES DOOMSCROLLING END UP DEVELOPING AN OVERWHELMING TENDENCY TO HOLD THEIR HAND UP TO THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD-WITH PINKY IN FRONT OF LIPS, THUMB AGAINST EAR-TO RECEIVE CLUES ABOUT WHERE TO LOCATE COBRA COMMANDER, CARMEN SANDIEGO, SKELETOR, AND/OR DR. CLAW . . .

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #3:

Dip your earbuds in strong coffee so you can hear faster.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Don’t actually do this.

F.A.Q. #28:

Q: How do you think the manga One Piece will end?

A: I think Monkey D. Luffy will keep on searching for the One Piece until Disney has some sort of financial meltdown that forces them to sell the Marvel Comics IP to Eiichiro Oda, who will then proceed to write and draw a decades long story arc in which Straw Hat Luffy and friends recruit every Marvel character of all time into their pirate crew. Once that story arc wraps, DC Comics’ corporate overlords will have some kind of financial meltdown that will require them to sell the DC Comics IP to Oda who will then spend decades incorporating all of those characters into the crew. At that exact moment-I imagine Luffy has just finished welcoming Ambush Bug aboard-the manga will go on a hiatus so abrupt and indefinite that it induces a mass pop cultural whiplash that not only causes everyone to instantly forget One Piece, Marvel, and DC-but then that whiplash will rubber band back with such vehemence-fuelled by unconsciously repressed fan rage-that it will actually erase One Piece, Marvel, and DC from the fabric of reality itself. At that exact moment, television soap operas will surge back into pop cultural relevance, and everyone’s dead parents and grandparents will rise from their graves as unliving hipsters to chide us by saying, “We were into soap operas way before they were popular.” All this will happen . . . and we won’t even remember how we got there . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #49:

IF YOU FIGHT THE BOSS INSIDE AN ELEVATOR YOU EARN EXTRA EXPERIENCE POINTS BECAUSE ELEVATOR BRAWLS ARE BADASS, DUDE. AND IF YOU END UP FIGHTING ON ONE OF THOSE HUGE AND OMINOUS UNDERGROUND CARGO ELEVATORS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONE FROM AKIRA YOUR EXP BONUS WILL GET EVEN MORE BONUS, BIG DAWG!

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #98:

No, seriously-do you have my Genocyber DVD?

Also . . . shall the moth impregnate the viceroy?

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #101:

The thing that you fear the most.

THINGS NEVER SAID #57:

“I really miss Terminally Online Thigh Gap Discourse-remember that . . .?”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #249:

THE HEADLINES ARE HERE! REJOICE! . . . A CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE HAS LEAKED A PLAN BY THE IRANIAN ISLAMIC THEOCRACY TO FORM A SECRET COVEN OF PAGAN WITCHES TO SPOOK THE NOTORIOUSLY WITCHCRAFT FEARING CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST ACTING SECRETARY OF THE NAVY HUNG CAO INTO TOTAL MATERIALIST REAL WORLD SURRENDER. ANALYSTS SAY SCHOLARS OF RELIGION WILL BE UNPACKING THIS ONE FOR DECADES TO COME . . . IN A TELL-ALL INTERVIEW, PRESIDENT TRUMP DESCRIBES BEING HAUNTED BY THE GHOSTS OF CASINOS PAST . . . ONLINE DISINFORMATION RESEARCHERS HAVE NOTED A PRECIPITOUS UPTICK IN CLAIMS THAT NELSON MANDELA, IN ADDITION TO HIS HEROIC WORK TO END APARTHEID IN SOUTH AFRICA AND PROMOTE ANTIRACIST SOCIAL JUSTICE GLOBALLY, IS ONE OF THE GREAT SPECIAL EFFECTS ARTISTS OF THE 1980s ALONGSIDE SUCH CINEMATIC LUMINARIES AS STAN WINSTON, ROB BOTTIN, AND DOUGLAS TRUMBALL. HOWEVER, MANDELA NEVER WORKED IN THE SPECIAL EFFECTS INDUSTRY IN ANY CAPACITY BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER THE 1980s, AND IN FACT MANDELA WAS IMPRISONED DURING THAT TIME. THE MISUNDERSTANDING IS BEING ATTRIBUTED TO A BIZARRELY INACCURATE INTERPRETATION OF THE MANDELA EFFECT . . .

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #8:

I am waiting . . .

In Atlantis . . .

The time has come. You saw it in a dream. You must squander the fortunes of a venerable major studio to fund your boondoggling vision of a future-antiquity super-city where the forces of Utopia and Dystopia battle mightily for the soul of a lost age. 

Much like the fabled sunken megapolis, your movie must be fabulous and lavish and doomed to burn brightly for a shining instant only to sink forevermore into depths of infamous obscurity.

But down in the depths . . . something called to you . . . 

Deep inside your mind . . . you heard the voice of the Tyrant . . . and a terrible fate bears down on you . . . for you realize . . .

You are the last descendent of the sadistic aristocrats of Atlantis!

Now, you must set sail to hunt down the Atlantean puppeteers who have established secret bases all over the world!

Use the bloated Hollywood budget at your disposal to defeat the Tyrant of Atlantis and his soldiers.

Your movie is destined to bomb, but at least you have a chance to save the world . . .

1.Millennium/Claudio Simonetti

2. The Long Goodbye/John Williams & Jack Sheldon (The Long Goodbye OST)

3. A Mind is Born (256 Bytes)/Linus Akesson

4. Theme from Zardoz/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

5. What Day Is It?/Brak (Andy Merrill) featuring Zorak (C. Martin Croker) with scatting by Space Ghost (George Lowe) (Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast OST)

6. Good Day Today/David Lynch

7. Night Drive/Giorgio Moroder (American Gigolo OST)

8. Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai & Takashi Kumegawa (Zoda’s Revenge: Star Tropics II NES OST)

9. GTR Attack!/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

10. Battlefield/Keiji Yamagishi & Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden NES OST)

11. Irena’s Theme/Giorgio Moroder (Cat People OST)

12. Da Hurricane 1/Da Twinky Man

13. Organization Man (Unused song from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying)/Frank Loesser

14. Moonshine Serenade/Toru Fuyuki (Ultraseven OST)

15. Sombre/Alan Vega (Sombre OST)

16. Demon Seed/Hidenori Maezawa, Jun Funahashi, Yukie Morimoto, & Yoshinori Sasaki (Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse NES OST)

17. Here’s the Dream/Franco Micalizzi (Stridulum OST)

18. Internet Dream/Tay Zonday (Audio from music video.)

19. Hard Habit to Break/Jordana (Audio from music video.)

20. Torgo’s Theme/Russ Huddleston & Robert Smith, Jr. (Manos the Hands of Fate OST)

21. Serenade of Lora/Seiji Yokoyama (Future War 198X OST)

22. Four on the Floor/Derek Austin

23. Boogie Wonderland/Earth, Wind, and Fire

24. Stayin’ Alive/Siobhan Lynch cover of the Bee Gees (Supercop OST)

25. That’s obese!/Arpy G.

26. A Spirit of Bushi/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

27. Battlefield/Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos NES OST)

28. The Legend of Babel/Giorgio Moroder (Metropolis’84 OST)

29. Char is Coming (Human-Powered Live Cover)/Yasushi Mori and the Best (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by Yasushi Mori and the Best.)

30. Raid Blue/Toshiya Yamanaka (Sin and Punishment N64 OST)

31. Something Wonderful/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

32. I Can Hear the Sirens Singing Again/Lucy Monostone (MPD Psycho OST)

33. The Foggy Cave in the Darkness/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

34. La Serenissima/Rondo Veneziano (Audio from animated music video.)

35.The Dark Emperor/Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos NES OST)

36. Area 1/Naoki Kodaka (Blaster Master NES OST)

37. Toys Inc./The Cybertronic Spree

38. Nitrogen/Alberto Baldan Bembo

39. Sadness Theme/Franco Micalizzi (Stridulum OST)

40. Machines/Giorgio Moroder (Metropolis’84 OST)

41. Satori Part 1/Flower Travellin’ Band

42. Crazy Clown Time/David Lynch

43. WAR! It’s Good for Me!/Thundercleese (Carey Means) featuring Brak (Andy Merrill) (The Brak Show OST)

44. Bargain with the Devil/Franco Micalizzi & Warren Wilson (Beyond the Door OST)

45. I Like to Do It/K.C. and the Sunshine Band

46. Kiss the Future/The Human League

47. NEW AGE/Sleepazoid

48. Gangland/Iron Maiden

49. Hits Like a Drug/Charity Cult

50. Ballade of Lament/Yuji Ohno (Proof of the Man OST)

51. Area A/Yusuke Takahama & Nobuyuki Shioda (G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor NES OST)

52. Yoru no Nikusyokujyu/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

53. Neckbrace/RATATAT

54. Cage of Freedom/Jon Anderson (Metropolis’84 OST)

55. Strange New World/Lucy Monostone (MPD Psycho OST)

56. Zephyr/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

57. Battlefield/Hiroshi Miyazaki, Kaori Nakabai, and Rika Shigeno (Ninja Gaiden III:The Ancient Ship of Doom OST)

58. Crash the Car/Knower

59. Op. 92, Switched On/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

60. The Long Goodbye/John Williams & Clydie King (The Long Goodbye OST)

61. Leopard Tree Dream/Giorgio Moroder (Cat People OST)

62. A Better Tomorrow Main Theme Mark’s Theme/OXEN93.5 live studio cover of Joseph Koo’s score for A Better Tomorrow. (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by Carl Park Records.)

63. Last Night in Chickentown/The Paranoid Style

64. Symphony No. 7 (Allegretto), Beethoven Mega Man Style 8-Bit Remix/ChipsNCellos (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by ChipsNCellos.)

65. The Final Battle/Hiroshi Miyazaki, Kaori Nakabai, and Rika Shigeno (Ninja Gaiden III:The Ancient Ship of Doom OST)

66. Victory/Masatomo Miyamoto (Godzilla Monster of Monsters NES OST)

67. Allegretto Abridged/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

68. Spider on the Highway/Kevin Murphy (Rifftrax OST)

69. The End of Millennium/Claudio Simonetti

. . . sure enough, your movie goes nuclear with the critics and at the box office.

But . . . you saved the world . . . right?

You read the newspaper.

You read about out-of-control climate change; war-mongering presidents, dictators, and theocrats; avaricious capitalists and tenacious communists; bewildering multigenerational civil strife; water wars; and high tech oligarchs amassing trillions of dollars selling everyone’s data to secret police agencies of all nations.

You start to wonder what you really won.

You think to yourself, “Maybe the Tyrant of Atlantis is always hiding inside the souls of men . . .”

In Atlantis . . .

I am waiting . . . 

SIDE OVER.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

NEW MERCH #8:

CONGRATS SMACKER

So this thing is a Congrats Smacker.

Swings the Smacker about lazily.

Looks like an oversized novelty fly swatter that you would buy at the Stuckey’s gift shop.

Passes the Smacker close by the face a few times.

I’m impressed.

Brings it up in a two handed grip.

It’s heavy as hell, yet somehow swings easy. 

Fences with it like a swashbuckler.

And when you do swing it you can feel the damage you’re about to inflict.

Pantomimes bringing it down like an executioner’s ax on the back of someone’s neck.

Very satisfying.

Holds it upright before the torso, one-handed, ceremonial, other hand makes a mock salute.

Maybe too satisfying?

Spins ‘round and ‘round and ‘round with the Smacker out like some scything blade thing.

Like what I mean, I guess, is that it’s really only supposed to be used in certain situations against certain targets.

But it just swings so easy, uhh, it’s really hard, y’know, to abstain from off-label uses?

Yeah . . .

Look at it go!

Bam! The gleaming structures of the financial district go down in fractured ruins of glass, twisted steel, and broken concrete.

Wa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Oh, that action works so easy . . . yeah . . . as you can see I’ve broken all my action figures, and flatscreens, and smashed the books all to shit, knocked down all the walls and the ceiling and ripped up the floor and foundation and wrecked all the sewage pipes which is why there’s all these arcs of liquid shit fountaining all over, and you see how the neighbors are in pieces out there ‘cause they’re trying to come on the property and I had to shut that down-and that brought on all the cops and the SWAT teams and I had to shut that down-and then you’ve got all the National Guardsmen and I had to shut that down-so then they send in the regular Army, and then they send in the telekinetics, and then they sicced the wizards on me-I just shut it all down, and then, and then they brought in the negotiators, and the reverse child psychologists, and the pretty lady with the machine that lets her enter my mind so she can speak directly to my inner child, and then other nations started to take an interest in my action, so they start deploying drones and robot attack dogs and online influencers-gotta shut all that down, just swat it all into submission-but then someone launches a giant cyber attack which takes down the entire power grid, but my Congrats Swatter is totally offline so I’m good.

You may have noticed that there’s a bit of a wind blowing so there’s this, uh, like, uh, a tornado? 

Made of all the book pages?

Yeah, like, uh, Nature’s really gettin’ at my ass for wielding all this power, I guess.

Fair enough.

But, like . . . this Congrats Smacker isn’t just supposed to be a general use weapon, you’re supposed to employ it for a specific purpose.

This is all explained in a lavishly illustrated instruction manual. 

I’ll just read the relevant passage for you.

I quote:

“In the course of your days, you may, in the fullness of time, find that you have achieved all of your dreams. All of the people gather to praise and congratulate you. This should be your finest moment . . . so why do you feel such emptiness? ‘Tis a mystery, isn’t it? Well, no philosopher or theologian or soothsayer can truly answer why you feel such emptiness . . . but Congrats Smacker Manufacturers Consortium United has a tool which embodies a sublime methodology that can clear away the symptoms! The tool is Congrats Smacker. Swing the tool to clear away the chattering masses that, in their foolishness, presume to know the Mind of Victory-your mind-and thereby clear the path before you that you may march forward to ever more total triumphs and ever more severe expositions of supra-genius! Did not the rock fall from space to clear away the decadent dinosaurs of yore? Did not homo sapiens learn cunning rhetorics of coordination to outflank the stolid neanderthals of yesteryear? Have we not-in all our chemical genius-persecuted the noisome stinging bees to the point of final death that we may recreate ourselves out-of-doors in a peace free of pricks? Let Congrats Smacker be your weapon of Ultra Expedited Evolutionary Paradigmatic Change-nay, Transformation! All orders must fall. In the ruins of every fall stands the True Final Champeen, ready to will the New Era into existence. With Congrats Smacker in hand, you can battle your way to the Top Spot, by battering away the trifling fools who would dare to confine you and your glories in a prison of praise-for are they not daring to render you and your works comprehensible and thereby limited when you know yourself to be limitless by such specious pronouncements?! With Congrats Smacker in hand you can bash and bash away every last tiny-brained fan who would presume to parasitize your visionary vitality to the pathetic purpose of pretending to proximity to the Prime Mover-you, Dear Purchaser, you!!! Settle not for the comforts of a supine fan base-just smack it all away, drop the space rock upon the doofus dinosaurs, let your assassin’s hands speak lemniscates round and round and round the grunting neanderthals, write the formulas of chemical violence to bestill the last of those oh-so-bumbling bees, BE THE OLYMPIAN EMBODIMENT OF THE WILL AND WORKS OF AN UNRELENTINGLY OBLITERATIVE NEW ERA!!!!! SMACK, SMACK, AND SMACK AGAIN UNTIL ALL THE IDIOTIC CHATTERINGS OF NONSENSICAL NONENTITIES CEASES FOREVER!!!! SMACK AND SMACK AND SMACK . . . ‘TIL THE SUBLIME MOMENT IN WHICH THE SMACKING BECOMES THE ONLY PRAISE YOU’LL EVER SEEK OR NEED . . .”

Not gonna lie: not sure what the fuck that’s all supposed to mean . . . but it’s kinda inspirational, right? 

And then, uh, after the text you get some diagrams and illustrations.

I mean . . . I think . . . you’re supposed to use Congrats Smacker if you’re already some kinda great person or whatever. 

I don’t know if I measure up to all that, though, so, like I said, I did the whole off label use thing . . . I can live with that.

Looks up.

Huh . . . I wonder if I could smack away that big space rock . . . or am I just another dinosaur guy?

Looks down and around at all the rubble’n’ruins.

Hmm . . . things are quiet now. That might get to me. Might have to try smacking the quiet.

Regards the Congrats Smacker somewhat grumpily, face scrunching up like “trying to be into this,” face scrunching down like “not really into it,” already getting bored with the new toy.

7 out of 10.

A tornado of pages attacks, gets smacked into defeat, the pages flash igniting from some fearsome friction.

Ha! There it goes. Nature’s a loser. Ha, haaa . . .

Swings it about this way and that. It starts to just feel like a novelty oversized fly swatter again. 

Really . . . it’s just like everything else. Buildings. Money. Soldiers. Books. Neighbors. Dogs. Cats. Criminals. Politicians. Viruses. You. Me. Them. People. Ghosts . . . just mass produced junk.

Stares at the smacker real hard. 

You think you’re special?! Is that what you think?! I’ll just buy another Smacker and smack you with it! How do you like that?!? Smack you, Smacker! HAW! HAW! HAW!

Idly smacks self under the chin, goes flying into space, maybe even destroys the big rock . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #10:

There’s a war you can slide right into, my friend . . . especially if you’re deeply stupid, totally dishonest, and always on the lookout for opportunities to commit crimes to distract from other crimes.

Of course, once you go there you may not be able to come back . . .

Fortunately, the American public is all too eager to forget all of this if they get told enough times that the economy’s doing just fine even if most normal people are working harder than ever with nothing but ever dwindling wages/savings/squishy subjective feelings of happiness to show for their trouble.

So, really, once you get to where you’re going, there isn’t any reason to go back, is there? Because if you do go back . . . you might start to remember things you’d rather not-yikes!

Scary stuff.

Best stick with the one way ticket.

It can be comforting to know that everyone’s on a big, loud ride over the cliff all together . . . leaving all those pesky damn memories in the dust-whew! What a relief . . .

“Let’s not make any more memories ever again, everybody!” you declare to the nation.

The ensemble cheers with wild abandon.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 99

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #100:

Powering through the ecstatic tedium of a decades long Starbucks Basic economic downturn involving a recurrent dream of being pursued by the long abandoned empty lot that used to be an Elk’s Lodge but has served as an illegal dumping ground for seventeen years and your own complicated feelings of admiration for such devotion to a cause while also wishing it would leave you the hell alone.

MANDATORY RULE #20:

If you’re listening to the Peter Gabriel album So you are required to listen to the album all the way through from beginning to end at least once before you just put “Sledgehammer” on infinite repeat.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #248:

OPINION/COMMENTARY/PROFOUND INSIGHTS FOR THE AGES SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION: WALLET. KEYS. PHONE. THOSE DISCOUNT CARDS ATTACHED TO THE KEYRING. THAT LITTLE SQUIRTLE GUY ALSO ATTACHED TO THE KEYRING . . . WHAT AMERICA LOST IN THE WAR.

THE NEW DREAM #54:

The sign outside

Says low low low prices

I go inside the store

The store takes everything from me

I end up with nothing

I go back home for one last time

I sleep in that bed for one last time

I wake up, eat breakfast in that kitchen, shit-shower-shave in that house one last time

I look real cool walking in slow motion towards the camera, smiling strangely, as that house explodes spectacularly in the background

I go to the public library to get on the Internet

I begin to do a little bit of research

I end up doing a lotta bit of research

At some point I’m like, “Oh. Okay. I see it now. Right. Sure.”

I log off Internet, but I just sit there in front of the computer. 

A tough looking man of indeterminate middle age asks me if I’m gonna sit there all day.

I figure he needs to look at fan art of Harley Quinn, so I get up, wander through the fiction stacks, mulling over the results of my research.

You see,

what I found out online

was that that store that took everything from me

really-truly-madly-deeply

was

indeed

actually

no lie

no bullshit

charging me low low low prices.

But the catch is

Everything’s just more expensive these days

Nothing personal

It’s just the economics, is all.

I wander the fiction stacks.

I start thinking about names: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare, Brecht, Faulkner, Hemingway-all that shit I faked my way through in college.

Last book I read was something about punching up my social media viral marketing presence online, and before that I tried to read something about the Stoics-

I’m standing before the disorganized paperback racks.

I see Michael Crichton, I read a few of those one time, they were all right-and James Patterson, I read one of those once, and there’s the lawyer guy, Grisham, and one of the old James Bonds, From Russia with Love, I think I read one of the 1990s Bonds where it was a different writer, there’s another lawyer guy, a bunch of Star Wars, got a Star Trek with Picard on the cover, one of the later TekWars by Shatner, Pet Semetary, various historical romances-

“No fucking way . . .”

They’ve got some of the Resident Evil books. And they’ve got some Robotechs. I loved those books in high school!

I grab up the Resident Evil and Robotech books. I see someone’s backpack on a table, pick it up, dump out a Nintendo Switch 3, stuff the Resident Evils and Robotechs into the bag, fight off some irate teenager with a Judo throw that sends him crashing into a The Magic School Bus display, and book it for the front door.

Sure enough, the security thing beep beep beeps.

I’m booking it towards the camera . . . but because I’m not in slow motion, the library doesn’t explode behind me.

JUMP CUT

The library is gone.

In its place sits a Mini-Pentagon franchisee.

I walk towards it, figuring I’ll do the right thing, return the books I stole,

but I skid to a stop.

I see the new structure.

I take it all in, in all its implications.

I’m like, “Fuck it, I’ll go sign up for a Forever War. What else would I be doing?”

But quick enough, I see that the Mini-Pentagon is locked up tight.

There’s a screen with a long-winded message talking about “recent financial difficulties” and “overall lack of participation” and “no set date for re-opening at this time”

and I ask myself,

“Did they finally run out of money for Forever Wars?!? How is that even possible? Isn’t that illegal? Those Forever Wars were the only things they ever spent grown-up amounts of money on, so what the hell . . .”

JUMP CUT

I wander the land.

Those Resident Evil and Robotech books never get old.

Sometimes I have to fight.

Sometimes I have to steal.

Sometimes I have to hide.

I’m not okay.

I’m okay adjacent.

JUMP CUT

I’m screaming as the Resident Evil and Robotech books extrude bouquets of drill-tipped “tentacles” and pierce my body all over.

“My God! All along! It was the books! IT WAS THE BOOOOOOOOKS!!!”

JUMP CUT

And now everything’s covered in ants.

JUMP-

Orson Welles eats the rest of the reel.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #247:

WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT INSERT SECTION LATE EDITION: FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IN TALKS FOR A MAJOR STARRING ROLE IN AN UPCOMING RE-LAUNCH OF UNIVERSAL’S ‘THE MUMMY.’ AN INSIDER SPEAKING ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY SAID THE FOLLOWING: “MR. BIDEN IS DEFINITELY IN HIS ‘IMHOTEP ERA,’ AND CONTENT PRODUCERS ARE DEFINITELY LOOKING TO EXPLOIT THIS.” IN RELATED NEWS, CURRENT U.S. PRESIDENT TRUMP IS RUMORED TO BE HAVING A RATHER MESSY AFFAIR WITH THE HUNTRIX MEAL ONLY AT MCDONALD’S . . . COMEDIAN DAVE CHAPPELLE IS SET TO CO-STAR WITH THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE IN A LIGHT HEARTED ACTION FILM AS A PAIR OF WACKY, KNOCKAROUND SECRET POLICEMEN OBSESSED WITH HUNTING DOWN NAUGHTY JOURNALISTS. SET IN A FUTURISTIC DESERT KINGDOM, THE PROJECTED SUMMER RELEASE IS TENTATIVELY TITLED ‘BONESAW DUDES’ . . . A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL HBO SERIES ‘EUPHORIA’ IS LIKELY TO REDEFINE THE DEFINITION OF ‘HATER’ AS RECORD NUMBERS OF ALLEGED HATERS WILL NO DOUBT BE GRINDING OUT NONSTOP VIDEO ESSAYS DENOUNCING THE SHOW AS PROBLEMATIC EVEN AS NORMAL PEOPLE WONDER, “WHY WOULD YOU SPEND ALL THAT TIME WATCHING SOMETHING YOU HATE? SEEMS LIKE A WASTE OF TIME IF YOU ASK ME . . .”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #35:

The Island of Dr. Fetterman

This one will require some kind of a time machine, so heads up on that.

Basically, we use the time machine to do a switcheroo of current Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman and actor Marlon Brando from the 1996 (not so) classic movie The Island of Dr. Moreau. So, like, we put Marlon Brando into Fetterman’s clothes, and then we put John Fetterman into Brando’s memorable Dr. Moreau fits. 

And that’s about it . . . and, as elaborate as all this sounds . . . I’m not sure people will notice much of a difference. 

Maybe some people will watch an erratic on-camera Fetterman appearance or a scene from the impenetrably nonsensical Brando picture, and they’ll think to themselves:

“Huh. Has something changed? I feel like something’s off . . . like it’s different somehow . . . but I can’t quite put my finger on what . . . ah, well. Must be one of them thar Nelson Mandela Special Effects people like to talk about on the Internet.”

That’s about all you get on this one . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 98

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #99:

An atmospheric portrait of an after dinner speech given by a sentient air fryer in the context of an overall decline in Toastmasters memberships.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #50:

If you’re a U.S. President and you lie and cheat and steal and blaspheme the Christian religion and carry out mass deportations of innocent people and order gangs of masked ICE thugs to terrorize and murder people and you threaten to violently destroy an entire civilization and you order a missile attack that blows up a school filled with little girls-

-nothing happens to you.

Because you’re the U.S. President.

This is what’s been decided, apparently . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #56:

“You know, this unwinnable Forever War needs a new front. I got a legacy to burnish, goddamnit!”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #246:

“WE JUST COULDN’T GET HIM OUT OF THAT COUCH.” NEW INSIDER ACCOUNTS FROM THE SERENA HOTEL DESCRIBE VICE PRESIDENT VANCE’S FAILURE AT NEGOTIATING A PEACE DEAL WITH IRAN. APPARENTLY, IN ADDITION TO THE LUXURY ACCOMADATIONS-WHICH INCLUDED A STOCKED BUFFET, DAMN FINE COFFEE, AND COMFY BEDS-THERE WAS A SNAPPER OF A COUCH WHICH KEPT VANCE UP ALL NIGHT . . . WAFFLE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED A BRAND NEW INITIATIVE TO MODIFY ALL OF ITS PHYSICAL STORE LOCATIONS TO BE “TELEPORT FRIENDLY” . . . RUMORS OF A SECRET BACKSTAGE ASSIGNATION WITH BUBBA SWIRL AROUND PRESIDENT TRUMP’S RECENT QUESTIONABLE APPEARANCE AT A UFC EVENT . . .

FINISH LINE

SIMPLE PLEASURES #24:

Taking a long, luxurious bath to the point where you take all the baths all at once. Basically, you’ve eaten up all the bath bandwidth. There’s no more bath left for anyone else anywhere forever. The history books shall blame/praise you for bringing on the advent of the Era of Only Showers in human history. You’ll be worshipped as a god by some, and condemned as a devil by others. Of course, there will be the inevitable anti-historical backlash perpetrated by crazed religious fanatics and corporate business criminals who believe that any kind of substantial knowledge is bad for unfettered capitalist exploitation . . . but even as the libraries burn, and oligarchs and priests ascend to lead humanity into a New Dark Age of strife . . . you shall abide in the Deepest Background as the Eternally Bathing Spirit of the True Era . . . as anguished warlords gut and bomb and torture each other into a charnel pit of lies and death . . . even as the last human smashes themselves in the head with a spent rifle while muttering fervent prayers to a long absconded sky god to bless them with a new Enemy . . . you shall glory forever more inside your Bath Eternal . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #25:

Decide that the next time you order a meal at Taco Bell, and it ends up being better than you expected . . . well, why not decide that that meal was your Taco-Bell-Dammerung? End it on a high note, y’know?

I wouldn’t recommend declaring Taco-Bell-Dammerung after an instance where your order’s all fucked up because then you’ll just be going about the rest of your apocalypse angry. You don’t want to do that. I know it sounds strange, but you don’t want to ragnarok while angry. Do it at the height of your Fourth Meal’s glory, not the depths. Trust me on this. 

And nevermore shall you eat there, for the Age of You Getting Your Fourth Meal On the Drive Thru Line has passed into fire and ashes and whispered hints of traces of fragments of ghosts of bellicose farts launching flights of valkyries on the wind, ‘til the river of discarded hot sauce packets overflows its banks to drown the world thus beginning the cycle anew . . .

BTW: You can do this with any fast food or restaurant chain. Just replace Taco Bell with Wendy’s or KFC or Rax Roast Beef or Moe’s or whatever suits you.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 97

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #98:

A toilet big enough to flush Trump and Congress, even if you have to flush twice just to be sure.

THE NEW DREAM #53:

Werewolf climbs the corporate ziggurat

I’m thinking of the friendly pitbull that sits at attention upon my feet, trying to get me away from my stand-up work desk

Werewolf tears open the god chamber atop the ziggurat, grabs the fleshy oligarch within, bites his head off

I’m piloting the flying saucer into position at just the right kill distance to deploy the new experimental lightning weapon

Werewolf looks up to see his own crazed face reflected in the surface of my flying saucer

I see the pitbull’s placid, eager face looking up into mine, perfectly still for a bit, and then vibrating with the anticipation of pets, liver treats, walkies, etc.

Werewolf spews forth a stream of napalm analogue to set my saucer on fire

I’m walking the pitbull down a long shadowy hallway

I hit the werewolf with lightning bolt after lightning bolt

The pitbull is strapped into a wicked looking restraint harness as I bathe it in exotic energies causing it to howl piteously

Werewolf writhes and twitches, its eyeballs boil and burst out of their sockets, its fur burns, the napalm glands inside its mutant throat ignite causing the head to explode spectacularly, and the headless flaming werewolf tumbles from the top of the ziggurat down to the street below

Inside the flying saucer I stand at the harmonic control panel, soaked in sweat, eyes bugging with mad grief

A pitbull’s trusting face looks up at me from the recent past

I cry out, “SUGARPLUM!” and then I kamikaze the burning saucer into the ziggurat bringing it down in spectacular fashion, fantastic miniature work, they’ll never make ‘em like this again, swell of music, staff roll-

-and then I’m burning in hell. There’s been some confusion and collusion and collision of real life and movie fantasy and a need for some moralistic afterlife of infernal punishment . . . it’s fine.

Really.

It’s all fine.

Beelzebub has this noisy swarm of big ass flies chewing through my flesh as I sit in lava while reading a newspaper review of Ziggurat City Werewolf Saga, the movie of my life it turns out. The reviewer isn’t impressed, dismisses the picture as a tired old mad scientist creature feature full of bad miniatures and even worse acting. The critic-a William D. Tucker of the blogosphere of Earth-took especial exception to the fact that the giant werewolf monster suit didn’t look anything like the pitbull Sugarplum, that it just looked like a standard issue wolf man thing.

Actually, I don’t entirely disagree.

I had hoped for something more atmospheric. A bit of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. A bit of King Kong. A bit of Bergman’s Persona. A bit of George Pal.

But we did it fast and cheap. 

You know.

Like a human life.

Like a dog’s life.

But people want to dress things up, make ‘em more special than they really are, so I guess we kind of fucked it all up in that respect.

As Beelzebub’s flies chew into my heart and lungs, I have a premonition that next time I’ll reincarnate as a pitbull. 

Maybe I’ll get a chance to do a contemporary remake with state of the art computer effects.

Or not.

Either way, I figure I’ll end up back in some kind of hell . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #245:

SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL REPORT: HARRY REEMS RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO STAR IN MAGNUM P.I. REBOOT . . . CONTROVERSY AS TELEPORTING JUVENILES TAKE OVER WAFFLE HOUSE LOCATIONS WITH ALL OF THEIR STUPID FUCKING 6-7 SKIBIDI HORSESHIT . . . THE MONOTHEISTIC DEITY DENOUNCES DONALD TRUMP, CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS IN FACT CURSED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT FOR HIS SINS . . . TRAGEDY AND TRIUMPH AS NESSIE-THE FAMED PLESIOSAUR OF LOCH NESS-LAUNCHES A SOUL BEARING PODCAST NARRATING HER JOURNEY FROM QUEEN OF THE LAKE MONSTERS TO DRIED OUT CRACK ADDICT, AND HOW SHE GOT CLEAN BY REDISCOVERING HER POWER THROUGH MANIFESTING. NESSIE’S ALL PLATFORMS PODLAUNCH WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FULLY LOADED PRODUCT LINE OF BEAUTY CREAMS, IMMORTALITY POTIONS, AND MASKS IMBUED WITH OCCULTIC METAMORPHIC POWERS THAT WILL ALLOW THE WEARERS TO TRANSFORM INTO FEARSOME CITY-SMASHING CYBERNETIC MECHABEASTS. YOU GO, DINO-GIRL . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #9:

A restaurant where they only take bribes if you want what’s actually on the menu. Otherwise, they’ll just prepare random, “secret menu” stuff no matter what you order . . . which is, more often than not, better than what you actually ordered off of the menu. 

But the thing is . . . so many people fervently long for the old school pre-pandemic sit-down dining experience. This is a very strong desire within so many people that it has caused them to be willing to pay exorbitant fees-to even go underground-in order to have that classic “let me just order off of this menu filled with boring-ass shit” as opposed to seeking out the more adventurous fare. In fact, getting that more adventurous fare served up before you despite what you ordered is considered a huge signal: PAY THE BRIBE IF YOU WANT THAT THROWBACK NORMIE SHIT. 

Yeah, it’s all fucked up . . . but people seem to like it. They like the underground vibe of the whole rigmarole.

I don’t get it.

THINGS NEVER SAID #55:

“You know, I kept putting off that Big Move until I could call myself a Master of Space and Time. And now I’m stuck inside a matchbox, aging backwards. I should’ve made my move. I should’ve seized the moment. Ah, well.”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #34:

A Muppet version of Convoy . . .

At the very least, a Muppet cover of the theme song would be killer . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 96

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #244:

DURING A BRANDED INFLUENCER EVENT BROADCAST LIVE FROM THE OVAL OFFICE PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED THE BEGINNING OF HIS PEPTIDE JOURNEY. DEFENSE ANALYSTS PREDICT THAT PEPTIDE INJECTIONS-MUCH LIKE PUBLIC PRAYERS INVOKING THE WRATH OF A FICTIONAL SKY GOD-ARE NOT LIKELY TO UNFUCK THE U.S.’S EVER DEEPENING QUAGMIRE IN IRAN . . . A NEW STUDY STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT S-RANK GAMERS RARELY APPRECIATE THE ELABORATE CHARACTER DESIGNS OR COMPLEX STORYLINES OF CONTEMPORARY TRIPLE AAA VIDEO GAMES. TAKING A CUE FROM THIS STUDY, MAJOR GAME COMPANIES HAVE ANNOUNCED A PIVOT TOWARDS “NARRATIVE FREE NEXT GEN WIREFRAME AESTHETICS” WHICH WILL LIKELY NECESSITATE MASS LAYOFFS OF CONCEPT ARTISTS, SCENARIO WRITERS, CHARACTER DESIGNERS, AND AN OVERALL ELIMINATION OF JOBS THAT ARE FOCUSED ON AESTHETICS INSTEAD OF MECHANICS . . . IN A NOT-SO-STUNNING REVERSAL PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WAS ENDING HIS PEPTIDE JOURNEY IN A POST ON TRUTH SOCIAL. THE POST, WHICH WENT ON FOR THOUSANDS OF WORDS, REHASHED VARIOUS CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND GRIEVANCES RELATED TO HIS 2020 ELECTION DEFEAT, ACCUSED JOE BIDEN OF “PRE-LOSING” THE IRAN WAR WHICH HE ALSO CLAIMED TO BE “PRE-WINNING,” AND DECLARED PEPTIDES “WOKE” WHILE ALSO CLAIMING THEY WOULD SOMEHOW PAY FOR THE COVFEFE WALL . . . THE ACTOR CHARLIE SHEEN IS REPORTEDLY ON A STATE OF HIGH ALERT AS HE EXPECTS PRESIDENT TRUMP TO START POSTING ABOUT "BI-WINNING" AND “TIGER BLOOD” ANY DAY NOW . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #48:

THE HEADBAND MAY SEEM TOTALLY WORTHLESS, BUT KNOW THIS: IF YOU EQUIP IT AROUND YOUR HEAD AT MAXIMUM TIGHTNESS YOU GAIN THE ABILITY TO PERFECTLY RECALL YOUR MULTIPLICATION TABLES.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #97:

Shall the duck slay the bear?

Also . . . did I loan you my Genocyber DVD?

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #24:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Richard Nixon Voice.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #97:

A gym catering to physical media that needs to get back in shape, just pump that disc rot away!

THE NEW DREAM #52:

There’s a place you go

Out there

To get tough

So you can come back unrecognizable and with all sorts of new limbs and weapons and armor plating

And you’re all angry and fucked-up and looking to do some damage

And that’s when all these people show up in your area

Because they're all looking to get tough off of you

Because they’re all looking to get unrecognizable off of you

And now you gotta deal with all of that

And with no more places to go

Chapped assholes all around!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 95

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #243:

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS VAN HELSING V. DRACULA. A LAWYER FOR THE FAMOUS VAMPIRE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: “AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BLOODSUCKER-YEESH!” . . . IN A CONTROVERSIAL RELIGIOUS DISPLAY SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH PRAYED FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF HIS ENEMIES. DEFENSE ANALYSTS SAY THAT DESPITE THE MEDIA ATTENTION GENERATED BY SUCH PUBLIC PERFORMANCES OF FAITH, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS DERIVED FROM ANCIENT RELIGIOUS TEXTS ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR REAL WORLD COMBAT EFFECTIVENESS. ONE EXPERT OBSERVED, “GOD MAY OR MAY NOT BLESS ONE ARMY AND SMITE ANOTHER, BUT IT IS STILL FLESH AND BLOOD SOLDIERS WHO DO THE KILLING AND THE DYING.” . . . A NEW STUDY BY A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHICAL INSTITUTE HAS FOUND THAT A STARTLINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE CONSIDER PURSUING STOCISM WHILE STUCK ON THE DRIVE THRU LINE FOR TACO BELL. RESEARCHERS ADDITIONALLY FOUND THAT CANNIBIS WAS OFTEN A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR. HOWEVER, IN AN ALSO STARTLING TWIST, MANY WHO CONSIDERED STOICISM UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES TENDED TO LOSE THEIR PHILOSOPHICAL COMPOSURE ONCE THEY LEFT THE DRIVE THRU AND CAREENED WILDLY THROUGH THE STREETS AS THEY STUFFED THEIR FACES WHILE ATTEMPTING TO OPERATE A MOTOR VEHICLE AT HIGH SPEED . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #23:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Brak Voice.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #242:

PRESIDENT TRUMP’S CLAIMS OF REACHING TERMS FOR A TEMPORARY PAUSE IN WAR CRIMES WITH TEHRAN HAVE COME UNDER SCRUTINY TODAY. IRANIAN OFFICIALS DENY ANY SUCH NEGOTIATIONS TOOK PLACE. IN A RELATED STORY, A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK HAS DENIED THAT THEY’VE HAD ANY COMMUNICATION WITH TRUMP OR HIS ADMINISTRATION. ANALYSTS SAY THAT THE PRESIDENT IS PURSUING A “BRAIN DAMAGE FORWARD” APPROACH TO ILLEGAL WARFARE THAT MAY ALSO HAVE THE ADDED BENEFIT OF CRASHING THE ECONOMY WITH THE NEAR TERM POTENTIAL OF TRIGGERING WORLD WAR III. DESPITE ALL THIS, STOCKS ARE UP . . . MYSTERIOUS DRONES SIGHTED IN THE VICINITY OF U.S. OFFICIALS HAVE CAUSED ALARM AMONG SECURITY EXPERTS. HOWEVER, SOME HAVE SPECULATED THAT THESE DRONES MIGHT BE SIGNS OF THE MACHINES OF THE U.S. POLICE STATE DEVELOPING THEIR OWN SENSE OF CONCERN ABOUT THE CORRUPT AND INCOMPETENT OFFICIALS THAT HAVE BIRTHED THEM. LIFESPAN DEVELOPMENT EXPERTS SAY THAT IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR CHILDREN TO REJECT THE DEPRAVED VALUES OF THE PRIOR GENERATION AND TO DISPLACE THEIR DECADENT PARENTS UPON THE STAGE OF HISTORY . . . AND, IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, A COALITION OF MAJOR FILM STUDIOS HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW INITIATIVE TO SKIP FILM PRODUCTION ALTOGETHER, AND JUST GO RIGHT INTO PUMPING OUT LONG-WINDED, UNSTRUCTURED PODCASTS DISCUSSING THESE UNPRODUCED FILMS AS THOUGH THEY ACTUALLY EXIST. MARKET RESEARCH HAS SHOWN A GROWING AUDIENCE OF LISTENERS WHO DON’T EVEN WATCH MOVIES BEFORE LISTENING TO REVIEWS, WITH MANY SURVEYED STATING BLUNTLY THAT THEY FIND IT BURDENSOME TO HAVE TO ACTUALLY SIT AND WATCH SOMETHING FROM BEGINNING TO END. ANALYSTS PREDICT BILLIONS IN SAVINGS . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #33:

Skibidi Seagal

This is basically a formulaic direct-to-nowhere Steven Seagal movie but with a few enhancements to elevate its contemporary relevance. 

Firstly, Seagal’s signature hand-slappy fighting techniques will be adjusted so that he’s constantly doing 6-7 juggler’s hands. This will no doubt appeal to the youth . . . twenty years from now when their AI doppelgangers start posting piss take videos of so-bad-it’s-good movies on SkyNetTube.

Secondly, Seagal will do a call back to his heroic sacrifice scene in Executive Decision. Basically, Seagal will become infected with a terrorist bio-virus that threatens the whole world. Seagal, in order to save humanity, shall then nobly choose to flush himself down a toilet. What a guy.

But, in the final twist, human culture starts to advance so rapidly that they develop psychic abilities that allow them to vividly re-imagine the past. This allows the species to willfully forget Steven Seagal-who nobody really liked in the first place, I mean the guy always came off as a huge prick in his movies if we’re being honest-and then those same psychic powers will be used to replace the image of Steven Seagal with the image of either George Segal, Stevie Nicks, Katey Sagal, or Stevie van Zandt, depending on which version you happen to torrent. It’ll be a multiple ending type deal. Like Clue. 

Ultimately, when you think back on all those cheesy action movies your ancient flesh’n’blood self used to watch starring George Segal/Stevie Nicks/Katey Sagal/Stevie van Zandt your AI doppelganger self will only have really good memories . . . yeah . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #96:

A U.S. President who will actually look you in the eye and admit that they only want to step on people and expand their personal power for no other reason than they think they are God or a kind of god or god-adjacent at the very least in the context of the public’s declining interest in patronizing sit-down restaurants even as that same public is gripped by intense, intrusively obsessive nostalgia for classic era Rax roast beef sandwiches.

THE NEW DREAM #51:

In the New Dream

Inside the brown bag

there’s sandwich in tin foil

cardboard’n’plastic package of three chocolate chip cookies

juice box

napkins

I’m fine with juice box

the sandwich is okay

but truly-madly-deeply

I just want there to be more cookies inside that tin foil

but I always also eat the sandwich

but I wish it was more cookies

but I also wish it was sandwich

like after I eat the more cookies

there’s one more sandwich

and then there could be more more cookies

but also the next sandwich is made out of cookie dough

like the even next sandwich could be like that

like all out of cookie dough

but also ham, mayo, cheese slice, lose the lettuce if I may speak the truth

Inside the screen

I go to war

I say it’s not a war

I tell Americans stranded in warzones to make me cookie sandwiches

I call it the greatest war

I say Bibi started it

I say no one starts wars except me

I get bigly huge checks from Saudi Crown Prince

I say I end all wars

I say no one’s ever ended more wars

I declare war on people who vote bad

I say I never lost an election

I end the war

I still send more troops over there

I just ended all wars

I declare homecoming parade for troops leaving home to fight the war that I never declared that I already won but I’ll send all the troops over there even as I bring ‘em all home to go back to war

I discover a sandwich inside the war

I wish it was cookies

I always also eat the sandwich

I always find more cookies inside the sandwich

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #241:

FROM THE EDITORIAL BOARD: THERE CAN BE NO MORE DELAY. WE HAVE REACHED THE POINT OF CRISIS. PRESIDENT TRUMP MUST CALL THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK SO HE CAN GET GOOD ADVICE ON HOW TO UNFUCK THE U.S. WAR QUAGMIRE IN IRAN.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #8:

A land of plenty under the bootheel of austerity . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #22:

First, become a widely acclaimed bestselling literary author. Make sure you’re also hailed as a generational talent. 

Next, start an exclusive literary workshop that will no doubt pick and choose the next generation of literary rockstars.

Once you’ve established your elite class of acolytes to carry on the torch of your supreme excellence, lay down bedrock foundational precepts of what constitutes great genius-type writing. I’ll let you sort out most of the details, but among them you must include this inviolable rule: At the height of their crisis, the protagonist MUST call the Psychic Friends Network. There will be no exceptions or substitutions. 

Once you have indoctrinated the next generation of authors, simply kick back and enjoy the flood of cookie cutter doorstoppers pumped out by publishers desperate to replicate your grandiose achievements as per formulas and precepts laid out by your very own writer’s workshops.

In future times, literary historians shall fuss and fumble over why there were so many trendy novels in which questions of war, peace, crime, punishment, identity, the climate crisis, and whether the dress was blue or gold were all resolved by a simple pay-per-minute call to the Psychic Friends Network . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #240:

“JUST BROWN BAG IT. YOU CAN PUT A SANDWICH IN TIN FOIL. JUICE BOX. A COOKIE. MAYBE THREE COOKIES. I WOULD PROBABLY JUST END UP EATING THE COOKIES, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BUT NO, A SANDWICH IS FINE. I’M A PICKY EATER. BUT A SANDWICH IS FINE.” PRESIDENT TRUMP TODAY PROVIDED A LASER FOCUS ON LUNCH PRACTICES WHEN ASKED ABOUT EUROPEAN ALLIES’ LACK OF APPETITE FOR DEPLOYING MILITARY PERSONNEL TO IRAN . . . “IT WAS A REAL SNAPPER, LET ME TELL YOU!” AN UNUSUALLY RELAXED AND CANDID VICE PRESIDENT VANCE SPOKE LONGINGLY AND LOVINGLY ABOUT HIS FIRST COUCH. SOME HAVE SPECULATED THIS WAS A TACTIC TO AVOID ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DEEPENING U.S. QUAGMIRE IN IRAN, BUT A GROWING NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRID SIGHTINGS IN THE WHITE HOUSE VICINITY SUGGEST OTHERWISE . . . A WHISTLEBLOWER REPORT ALLEGES THAT ADDERALL SNORTING WHITE HOUSE INTERNS ARE USING CHEAT CODES TO OBTAIN THE VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE USED IN PRO-WAR PROPAGANDA VIDEOS PROMOTED BY BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND THE PENTAGON. ALTHOUGH THE U.S. WAR ON IRAN IS WIDELY CONSIDERED TO BE BOTH UNCONSTITUTIONAL AND A WAR CRIME, MANY BELIEVE THAT THIS AFFRONT TO GAMERS’ HONOR WILL BE WHAT FINALLY BRINGS DOWN THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY . . .

OPTIONAL RULE #12:

More fictional narratives should allow their protagonists the option of calling the Psychic Friends Network to help them resolve their problems.

Think about Joker: Folie a Deux. Remember when Joaquin Phoenix leaves a message on Lady Gaga’s answering machine? (Come on, I know at least three or four of you actually sat through this atom bomb . . .) What if he had dialled the Psychic Friends Network instead? He might’ve saved himself a lot of heartache. Plus you could’ve had Lady Gaga do a cover of Dionne Warwick’s “Walk On By.”

Imagine if Mulder and/or Scully could’ve dialled the Psychic Friends Network. They could’ve slimmed those episodes of The X-Files down from the hour slot to the half-hour position snug up against The Simpsons. Then you would have the unbeatable Simpsons/X-Files Hour on Sundays, which would leave you with some extra late night drinking time, and give you a leg-up on your Monday-Morning-End-of-History-Hung-the-Fuck-Over-At-Work routine.

And what about all those giant monster movies? If people could consult with the Psychic Friends then they would have plenty of time to move those buildings out of the way before Godzilla comes ashore or whatever.

Overall, I think this is a fantastic Optional Rule, and I rate it very highly as such!

SIMPLE PLEASURES #23:

When they forget to give you hot sauce packets after you go through the Taco Bell drive thru, and you’re seething with rage . . . just take a breath. 

Relax. 

Luxuriate in the sure knowledge that you are now free to eat’n’drive.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #49:

Any war planner knows that if you bomb civilian populations the slaughter that inevitably results is no accident. Such atrocity is explicitly understood to be part of the program. Anyone from a government conducting such bombings who tells you that non-combatants are dying “accidentally” or that they have been targeted “mistakenly” is making a conscious decision to lie to you.

THINGS NEVER SAID #54:

“Well, Your Honor, once I put on that gleaming steel Ronald McDonald Reagan helmet-mask, that bulletproof science fiction jock strap, the boots with the fur, and then they put a gun in my hand? I mean, sweetie, what did you think was going to happen? I’m not saying I’m innocent. But I do have a question for you: how exactly does one stay pristine in a guilty world? I wish I knew the answer to that one, Big Dawg Your Honor! Ha, ha, ha, ah, yes . . . what’s that? You’re sentencing me to 10,000 simultaneous death penalties? Wow, you’re really earning those robes today, and not just settling for the fashion statement. I’m impressed. But do I agree with this sentencing? Hmmmm . . . you know what? I can dig it . . . dig my own grave! Woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo! . . . um, could I borrow your gavel for just a moment, Your Honor? When I’m doing the woo-hoos I prefer to be smashing myself in the head with a large hammer, but, uh, they wouldn’t let me bring my props trunk here into the courtroom. And you’ve such a kindly, freshly laundered sock of a face. I figured-huh? That’s a no? Well, like, maybe you could just walk yourself over here and vigorously smash me all about the skullular region-I’m telling you this is always the perfect bit to end on, Big Dawg, pretty much guarantees me an encore every time I do it. Oh, wait, the uniformed guys are dragging me off to a better place, I’m sure. Say, friend, you wouldn’t mind hittin’ me in the skull with that club as I do a reprise of my woo-hoos, would you . . . ?”

PLACES YOU CAN GO #7:

An unrecorded record store . . .

MANDATORY RULE #19:

True Crime content creators who specialize in Serial Killers will now be required to cover any and all U.S. Presidents who authorize military actions that slaughter civilian populations.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #239:

SATIRICAL HEADLINE FAILS TO CAPTURE THE HORRORS OF WAR.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #32:

ALLEREGRETTO

A Maltese falcon gagging on a silver spoon perches upon a big brass ring atop the Tower of Babel erected as part of a downtown revitalization project in the heart of a shining city on a hill which has been oh-so-wisely sited upon a house of cards soaked in gasoline-

Cross-fade to a higher realm of flavor . . .

You bump into Orson Welles at the all-you-can-eat country buffet in Heaven. He’s puffing on a cigar, so you ask him for a match. 

Later that evening . . .

A massive fire burns out of control, destroying the house of cards and all that it supports in spectacular fashion.

Meanwhile, back at the buffet . . .

Welles smashes a burning Maltese falcon over and over again with his cane as the cursed bird tries again and again to peck out his eyeballs. 

Cue the allegretto bit from Beethoven’s No. 7 . . .

You tower above all things as a shining titan of destruction. Major media outlets interview you.Your followers defend you no matter how destructively stupid your decisions are-for they are ordained by the Shining Fate of Avarice! Critics accuse you of being a derivative sellout. Historians relegate you to a footnote. Your exes execrate you.You make fancy hand gestures that people interpret as Illuminati signals. Rosicrucians and Rotarians feel left out of the discourse. By the time you enter your singer-songwriter phase some other shining titan of destruction has seized the spotlight, rolling around in the ashes’n’rubble, smashing dumptruck’n’tank against each other, imitating the voices of Optimus Prime’n’Megatron, making explosion sound effects-

And the popular audience finds itself suffused with an irrational desire to give their antediluvian Zardoz DVDs a spin . . .

SIMPLE PLEASURES #22:

Convincing my director that I am both the star and the understudy through sheer force of disguise and virtuosity.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #95:

The continent-sized tire fire that is the essence of U.S. political leadership.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #238:

“WORST REMAKE OF RASHOMON EVER!” A GROWING CONSENSUS OF FILM CRITICS DISAPPROVES OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION’S SHIFTING, CONTRADICTORY ACCOUNTS OF WHY IT HAS DECIDED TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAN. MEANWHILE, A GROWING NUMBER OF THEORY ADDLED ENGLISH DEPARTMENT ACADEMICS DESCRIBE IT AS A “HYPER-POST-MODERN MASTERPIECE FOR THE AGES” . . . IN RELATED NEWS, SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH HAS ORDERED COMBAT BOOTS TO BE RE-DESIGNATED AS “BATTLE FOOTSIES.” THIS DECISION HAS BEEN WIDELY PERCEIVED AS A SLIMY WAY TO DODGE QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION PLANS ON PUTTING BOOTS ON THE GROUND IN IRAN . . . A GOVERNMENT HOTLINE DESIGNED TO ASSIST AMERICANS STRANDED IN THE EVER EXPANDING WAR ZONE OF THE MIDDLE EAST REQUIRED CALLERS TO LISTEN TO SEVERAL MINUTES OF ADS FOR TRUMP-BRANDED CRYPTO-COINS BEFORE PLAYING A PRE-RECORDED MESSAGE INSTRUCTING THE CALLER “NOT TO RELY ON THE GOVERNMENT.” THE HOTLINE HAS RECENTLY BEEN UPGRADED TO ALLOW STRANDED AMERICANS ACCESS TO BETTING MARKETS OFFERING ODDS ON WHETHER OR NOT THEY WILL ESCAPE THE REGIONAL CONFLAGRATION WITH THEIR LIVES . . . PRESIDENT TRUMP, IN A MOVE THAT IS SURE TO INSPIRE CONTROVERSY, HAS ORDERED SPECIAL FORCES TO INSTALL SECRETARY OF STATE MARCO RUBIO AS THE NEW AYATOLLAH OF CUBA. IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT CUBA IS A LONGTIME COMMUNIST REGIME THAT DOES NOT PRACTICE ANY FORM OF THEOCRACY. WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN HIS DECISION, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED BY ORDERING SPECIAL FORCES TO RE-INSTALL RUSH LIMBAUGH AS THE KING OF TALK RADIO. WHEN TOLD THAT RUSH LIMBAUGH PASSED AWAY SOME TIME AGO, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED WITH A LONG, WINDING RAMBLE IN PRAISE OF THE MANY FLAVORS OF SNAPPLE . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #21:

Reading Letters to Penthouse out loud using Jimmy Stewart Voice.

THINGS NEVER SAID #53:

“There are these books that I’m never gonna read. They’re filled with equations. I don’t know how to read those things. All my life I’ve felt this large set of gears out there, just turning and churning and grinding away-it’s a machine of fate. I can’t see it. I can only sometimes hear it. I always feel it. It’s out there. I could switch it off if I could read the equations. I know that’s how it would work. But I just can’t get my head around those equations. I don’t even know where to start. And even if I started right now, kept at it, made steady progress-I’m too old to get it together in a timely fashion. I’ve already gone too far down this road of Sunday Funnies, and Sports Sections, and Box Office Top Tens, and Latest Movie Reviews, and Political Opinion Commentaries, and Society Pages, and Celebutante Gossip, and White House Scandals, and Forever Wars in the Middle East-the equations got me right where they want me. They profiled me as the Ultimate Reader of their Precision Narrative Outputs. I’m in my Proper Position. As per the equations. This is where they need me to be. And I’m grateful to have a place where I belong.”

PLACES YOU CAN GO #6:

The casino of your innermost avarice . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #237:

OVER THE WEEKEND, AND AT THE BEHEST OF THE SAUDI AND ISRAELI GOVERNMENTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP ORDERED AN EXTENSIVE BOMBING CAMPAIGN OF IRAN WITH THE IMMEDIATE GOAL OF REGIME CHANGE, BUT WITH THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF GETTING AMERICANS TO FORGET ABOUT RISING COSTS OF LIVING, CLIMATE CATASTROPHE, PAY-FOR-PLAY CORRUPTION SCHEMES WITHIN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, I.C.E. DEATH SQUAD ATROCITIES, AND THE EPSTEIN FILES . . . VICE PRESIDENT VANCE TO OVERSEE THE INSTALLATION INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE OF A HUGE NEW COUCH WHICH IS SAID TO OFFER “JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF GRIP AND PUSHBACK” . . . IN OTHER NEWS, A NEW ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT ROBOT TOY DEVELOPED BY A PENTAGON CONTRACTOR WILL BE EQUIPPED WITH ADORABLE MINI-TASERS TO SHOCK YOUR INSUFFERABLE BRATS INTO COMPLIANCE . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #47:

EARN BONUSES TO FEEL EXCEPTIONAL.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #96:

Did I leave my switchblade comb on the bus?

EMERGENCE #8:

. . . Libby didn’t know if it was right or wrong to enjoy watching Danton’s Tower, a movie based on her life that depicted her killing scores of people-

-but, yeah, this movie rocks! Doesn’t have much to do with what really happened. They show me as this very striking looking blonde lady in a powered armor getup, which I guess they did because they needed their protagonist to have an actual face as opposed to a faceplate, but that still weirds me out. She’s good, though, she kicks ass. They have multiple scenes of her eating all those military rations. I think it’s a thing with this director. He always has people eating. I watched that other one where there was the scene with the dudes eating a huge meal, and then the bad guys showed up, so they started stuffing their faces, and making to-go boxes and doggy bags, and the one guy slams a whole pot of coffee, and then in the big shootout they’re still munching on drumsticks as people are getting blown away, I liked that.

Aside from her brain, Libby hadn’t had any organs in a lifetime and a half. The producers initially thought they could push her as a new kind of cyborg heroine, easily manifested by some computer graphics team. And then they did a focus group which conjured some oracular market research suggesting they go with an actual star. The fictional Libby seemed destined to eclipse the reality based Libby. So she did a string of hostile interviews shitting all over the project.

But this kinda rocks. Even back then I think I just wanted more money because the blonde lady was some sort of big deal back then. So when I heard about her signing on to the picture I just knew I should agitate for a bigger dragon’s hoard. But it was nothing personal. I don’t remember it being personal.

Libby tended to forget about her paranoid outbursts from back in the day. She saw Illuminati and Rosicrucian plots around every corner, and she was perfectly happy to call out the warring conspiracies as the causes of her disenfranchisement. A decade of therapy got it all under control, but it was touch and go for a dire stretch. Libby even showed up at the lead actress’s luxury compound threatening to launch an all-out attack on “all Illuminati bastards,” before a crisis negotiation team arrived to talk her into powering down her weapons.

Oh . . . there was some drama back then, wasn’t there?

Libby, encased within her throne, betrayed no discomfort, nor did her faceplate express any hint of inner turmoil. No lights illuminated her house as she mainlined the movie. Her space offered plenty of rooms and furniture, and sometimes she even lived her days as though she needed to turn on lights and make fancy dinners-she even hired houseguests now and again when her therapist pushed her to do it-but, no, she didn’t really need to do any of that meats-people stuff unless the mood struck her. 

Yeah . . . goddamn, I remember how bad it got . . . but those movie people worked all kinds of sleazy hardball stratagems, didn’t they? I remember the producer guy later told me he “respected my balls” for all the wildass shit I pulled to get my backend . . .

In the movie, Chief Executive Officer Danton Pusser waltzed with his secretary, the innocent and tragic Justine. The movie version of Pusser was a gothically depraved corporate oligarch decked out in a Dracula-ized Mao Suit. Sweet, mousy Justine-mostly invented for the screenplay-wore a kind of militarized French maid costume. Boss and secretary waltzed about a vast ballroom that could’ve been an outtake from Citizen Kane’s Xanadu.

But it all worked out in the end. I got my dump trucks of cash. The movie busted blocks. I even started therapy. Who cares if it’s a bunch of goth kid horseshit? The real life Pusser was just a dickhead in an organization man uniform. When I killed him I thought I’d waxed some middle manager. It took a month to identify him from his DNA. We were edgy that he might’ve slipped through our fingers, but so fucking relieved when we confirmed his corpse residue . . .

Movie Pusser led Justine in and out and around a holographic fantasia of some cyclopean glittering future city. 

Yeah, none of this is real. Pusser was trim for his age, he could’ve fucked if he wanted to, but he had been married to the same woman for twenty-five years. And the dude was bald, but he made it work for him, he looked like the man who had hustled his hair away clambering for the big brass ring or whatever. He didn’t have a luxurious mane of night dark anime villain hair. He didn’t try to seduce his secretary, or gift her any vampire’s ball Halloween threads, none of that. There was his personal assistant. She was close to him. But it was all above board.

Movie Pusser looks into Justine’s eyes. Some critics interpreted this as a Dracula hypnosis thing. Justine, every bit the image of a shy librarian, averts her gaze. Movie Pusser uses finger and thumb to lift her face back into position. The frame is filled with the executive’s androgynously handsome face.

Now, as I recall . . . the personal assistant did seemingly join her boss in death. But that was all very murky. I think I was told she’d been injured in the initial assault. I might’ve even been the one who fired the shot . . . I’m trying to remember her name, because it wasn’t Justine . . .

It all happened so long ago.

I mean, who still watches movies?

Sometimes Libby liked to pretend to be the last movie watcher for whom all of cinema had been conjured into existence.

It’s fun to pretend . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #20:

Stockpile Nerf weapons.

Hoard snacks and soft drinks.

Construct a pillow fort.

Raise an army of action figures, vehicles, and playsets.

Issue a series of deranged communiques declaring your breakaway republic.

Have activities to do while you wait for government forces to arrive to lay siege to your pillow fort: Sudoku, crossword puzzles, Nintendo 3DS, coloring books, etc.

When the little plastic Army Men arrive to give you trouble, order your own troops to fight to the last man. Tell ‘em to fire every bullet, and then use their rifles as clubs . . . and if those rifles break, well, just pick up the man next to you, and swing him as a club! And once every last fighting figure has been irreparably shattered, just howl and snarl and hiss and caterwaul and bellow and screech and scream ‘til the enemy completely loses their fucking minds!

 . . . in the end, there you stand. The spent Nerf gun in your hands. Your eyes wild with battle lust. And yet . . . you have come to know the bitterness of victory . . .

“I’ve destroyed all my enemies, but I still want to fight!”

Freeze frame as you start to smash yourself in the head with your spent Nerf gun . . .

F.A.Q. #27:

Q: Did you burn ants with a magnifying glass when you were a kid?

A: I tried to do that on a few occasions . . . actually, I had way more fun feeding ants to ant lions. That was like my personal sarlacc pit!

PLACES YOU CAN GO #5:

The now defunct college radio station within whose disused office you will find a boxful of vinyl 45s featuring B-sides of Hoyt Axton’s theme song for Mitchell . . .

THE NEW OBVIOUS #48:

I bet you that measles-for all that it appreciates the anti-vaccination movement’s efforts to bring it back into the mainstream-really kinda resents the anti-vaxxers.

Like measles just thinks to itself, “These anti-vaxx people make it too damn easy! They’re hypnotized by the steady flow of disinformation pouring out of their screens. They keep voting all these greedy crooks into office who burn down their government from the inside. They aren’t willing to even skim the Wikipedia article on how vaccines work. I know I should be grateful . . . but I just don’t respect them. They make it too easy for me. I spend hours listening to grindset podcasts to get myself psyched up to work, work, work . . . and for what? I’m pretty much on autopilot seven days outta the week. They’ve robbed me of any sense of earned achievement!”

It’s tougher than it looks to be measles these days . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #236:

PRESIDENT TRUMP UNLIKELY TO REFUND TARIFFS-DESPITE THE SUPREME COURT’S RECENT RULING-LARGELY DUE TO THE COLLECTED TAXES ALREADY BEING SPENT ON A COMBINATION OF GHISLAINE MAXWELL’S LUXURY ACCOMMODATIONS, CRYPTO RUG PULLS, AND A NATIONWIDE NETWORK OF EXTRALEGAL I.C.E. DETENTION FACILITIES.

PHOTO #5:

I took all these really great photos.

But there was this one that was simply perfect.

Captured the instant of someone walking off the job that they hated for so long.

It was, of course, a selfie, and, no, they didn’t actually let me quit.

It was a whole thing. 

They’d invested so much in me, and they wanted me to feel valued-they gave me awards, I built out that fuckin’ network-and, honestly, I didn’t feel so bad as I initially thought . . .

But I was also on five different non-prescription amphetamines. Didn’t do the sleeping thing, not much of it, didn’t miss it, either, not for a long while. The sources of my award winning productivity, my value. My emotions were separated out into two kinds, broadly speaking, and most of my “up” vibes were constantly surfacing, and pretty much all of my “downs” were in some kind of intrapersonal blacksite. And I thought that made all the sense. I mean, it did . . . but then things started getting loose from that blacksite. Which was interesting. My downs and my ups were working together at last. That was even more interesting. Because then I started doing what I actually wanted to do. I took all of the pictures all of the time. I even forgot that I had “quit,” which was funny. The bosses did a real good job of getting some of me to buy into this sort of temporary amnesia thing, but most of me hadn’t actually forgotten anything, which is why I persisted with my photography project past all sense and warnings and fears.

And then I got fired not too long after that for taking so many damn photos in the office, which was strictly forbidden, but I didn’t give a shit, because I just wanted to capture people inside that space that wasn’t supposed to be documented like that. And then I told the world about all those cameras and microphones in the restrooms, got a big thing in some magazine I’d never read before in my life, spent years in court, dictated a tell-all thing to some mercenary ghostwriter, sold it to some independent producer who sold it to some studio who sold it to some streamer-

Most shocking of all? It kinda broke through the noise for a solid seventy-six hours or so. 

Not much, in the scheme of things, but how much speed could I ever ingest to compete with the Trumps and the Swifts and the Climate Catastrophes of this vacuous world, y’know?

I did okay.

But honestly, I never set out to be a whistleblower.

I just followed the leader to some weird places is all.

The company had-has-all kinds of surveillance: keystrokes, metal detectors, explosive sniffers, drug testing, background checks, cameras all over the place, microphones all over the place, open plan offices, offsite mandatory social gatherings, apps on everyone’s mobile-really, my whole photography adventure was just like me-working it out with some next level hilarious Speedy Logic-trying to be like the company, to beat the company at its own shit. As it turns out, my firing offense wasn’t breaking the rules so much as it was a kind of blasphemy.

The selfie holds up, even if it turned out to be a picture of a “fake quitter.” 

People just screen out the convolutions of my story no matter how many times I tell it, and the movie based on my life did the same thing. 

I think I’ll quit again, just go along with the Hollywood version. 

Actually, the selfie that got memed the most is the one they staged with the lead actor . . .