NOTIONAL HEADLINE #256:

IN YET ANOTHER SIGN OF A WEAKENING ECONOMY, STATIONERY SALES ARE AT A COMPLETE STANDSTILL . . . A NEW STUDY PUBLISHED BY A THREAT ASSESSMENT THINK TANK DESCRIBES A DISTURBING INCREASE IN AMBUSH-STYLE BOSS BATTLE EVENTS DURING STAFF ROLLS. TRADITIONALLY, STAFF ROLLS ARE CONSIDERED A SAFE PLACE WHERE YOU NOD YOUR HEAD TO THE BUMPIN’ END TITLE THEME WHILST GLORYING IN YOUR HARD-WON VICTORY AGAINST ALL ENEMIES AND AGAINST ALL ODDS. ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, DURING THIS PAST YEAR ALONE STAFF ROLLS WERE INVADED BY TWELVE SECRET FINAL BATTLES; FIVE PLOT TWIST SHOWDOWNS WHERE YOUR QUESTGIVER TURNED OUT TO BE THE SECRET MASTERMIND OF YOUR ORDEALS; THREE BOSS RUSHES; AND ONE CURTAIN CALL IN WHICH FORMER ENEMIES WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CORDIAL PARTICIPANTS THAT SPARKED OFF INTO RENEWED HOSTILITIES DUE TO ACCUSATIONS OF OVER-RELIANCE ON SPAM ATTACKS DURING THE FINAL BATTLE. ADDING TO THE CONFUSION ARE MESSAGES PRODUCED BY A SECRET ORGANIZATION CALLING ITSELF ‘THE ATLANTEAN ARISTOCRACY’ WHO CLAIM TO BE ORCHESTRATING AMBUSH ATTACKS FROM BEHIND THE SCREEN. SKEPTICS OF A CONSPIRACY ACCUSE THE ATLANTEAN ARISTOCRACY OF EXPLOITING PERVASIVE ONLINE CONSPIRACY CULTURES TO ACHIEVE TROLLING GLORY. THE STUDY ITSELF MAKES NO ACCUSATIONS OF A CONSPIRACY, AND EXPLICITLY CITES “THE ONGOING QUEST FOR NOVELTY” AS THE LIKELY CAUSE . . . DONALD TRUMP-WHO IS, ALLEGEDLY, STILL THE U.S. PRESIDENT-FAILED TO RAISE EYEBROWS THIS WEEKEND AFTER HE ISSUED A LONGFORM SERIES OF TRUTH SOCIAL POSTS IN WHICH HE ADVOCATED FOR THE CANCELLATION OF MIDTERM ELECTIONS IN ORDER TO ”END WOKENESS AS WE KNOW IT,” AND DESCRIBED A NEW PROGRAM THAT WOULD IMPOSE AN AUTOMATIC LIFE SENTENCE UPON ANYONE REGISTERING AS A DEMOCRAT FOR THE FIRST TIME. TRUMP’S ONLINE POSTS THIS TIME AROUND GENERATED SURPRISINGLY LITTLE ENTHUSIASM FROM EITHER SUPPORTERS OR DETRACTORS. SOCIAL RESEARCHERS SUGGESTED THAT BOTH PRO-MAGA AND ANTI-MAGA VOTERS ALIKE HAVE REACHED A POINT WHERE THEY CAN NO LONGER LIVE IN DENIAL OF THE OVERALL FAILURE OF THE U.S. AS THE ECONOMY CONTINUES TO COLLAPSE, THE FOREVER WAR WITH IRAN ACCUMULATES MORE CIVILIAN VICTIMS, AND INDIVIDUAL AMERICANS RECKON WITH THEIR OWN CULPABILITY AS MINDLESS, AMORAL CONSUMER DRONES WHO THROW THEIR SUPPORT BEHIND WHATEVER CON ARTIST OFFERS THEM EMPTY NATIONALISTIC SLOGANS AND JUNK TRINKETS DESTINED FOR THE REEKING LANDFILL OF HISTORY . . . STOCKS ARE UP . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #106:

The axiomatic shopping cart that makes billions off of launching the Bowel Movement Cinematic Universe.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #13:

There’s this sleazy little motel-the Econododge-you can hit up just down from Exit XYZ-

-of course, no one talks about what goes on there.

That’s just not happening.

You’re not gonna say one word about your visit.

Not because you’re afraid of scandal.

You just don’t remember.

Really.

You don’t remember a thing.

No one who goes there ever remembers a goddamn thing.

Well . . . there’s one thing that sticks with you . . . 

It’s not actually a memory of anything.

Because, more than likely, nothing happened.

Not like in the usual sense.

But you are left with something nice: the afterglow.

That’s right!

This sleazy motel just skips right to the best part.

As close to a truly frictionless experience as you’re likely to get in this world.

10 out of 10, amirite?

Of course . . . if you’re into friction . . . then the Econododge probably isn’t for you.

It’s how it goes.

Billions served . . . but you can’t please everybody . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #60:

“I don’t mind paying more at the pump. Big Oil needs the extra money for therapy, y’know, ‘cause of all their self-esteem issues. Everyone knows fossil fuels are contributing to the carbon pollution that powers Climate Inferno. Everyone knows that Big Oil has known this for generations and that they have callously chosen Huge Profits over An Actual Fucking Future-and this has just done a number on their self-image. Which is why I’m happy to pay more at the pump. Help those poor Big Oil people out with their self-loathing and so forth. And it doesn’t matter if I go broke doing all this. The future is only gonna get hotter. All this cash is gonna go up in flames anyways. May as well figuratively burn through it before it literally catches fire, heh, heh, heh, oh, yes, sir, yes, ma’am, ha, ha, ha . . .”

THE NEW DREAM #58:

Two halves of the dumptruck on a plate

A knife for spreading

The tub of cream cheese spread

Coffee at the ready

I’m seized with dissatisfaction

At this every morning shit

So

I reach into this swirly-doo opening at chest level

I’m flooded with tumultuous memories of contractors fed into the howling basis of some accursed house

Guess it’s supposed to be mine

And now I’m piling all my beloved things onto a half of a dumptruck

Lamborghini. Fighter jet. Subterranean research and development facility where I train up psychic pitbulls. My collection of CB radio dictionaries. Locus Solus in three different English language translations. Locus Solus in French. That last issue of Vermillion with the weird misprinted letters section. My private army of giant tuxedo-wearing lobsters. My auxiliary private army of giant lobster-wearing tuxedos. A bunch of shirts with the little alligator on the chest. A DVD copy of Genocyber purchased circa 2003. 

The other half of the dumptruck goes right on top of the Genocyber DVD

I’m supposed to eat it all, and then, um, well, and then have all these precious things become a Big Deal part of me I guess

But then it gets all fucked up

It’s something about that year 2003

How I wasn’t really eating breakfast that year or something

I’d rush out the door, no time for eating

Or I’d sleep in late, may as well roll it all over to lunch

And then lunch is unfairly burdened

Lunch and breakfast fight and fight and fight

Neither can get the advantage

We cut to a conspiracy of snacks plotting a takeover of the Whole Operation

Dinner’s there, but it’s a historically inaccurate portrayal, the uniform’s all wrong

A pitbull, presumably a psychic, transmits a precision schedule of pets and scratchies and walkies and dietary preferences via direct brainwave induction of my Mind Meats

Now the dumptruck becomes its own thing, has this robot form you can implement if you spend several months moving the parts into place

I’m reaching back into the pantry for a fresh dumptruck

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 105

MANDATORY RULE #21:

Breakfast is now no longer the most important meal of the day. It is now (actual)breakfast . . . but it’s a custom version of the word that only I know how to operate. The rest of you will have to settle for crappy (pseudo)breakfast.

Oh, it’ll look and taste and feel and smell just like (actual)breakfast . . . except, upon the eating, there will bloom within you the tiniest of acidic doubts about whether what you just ate was a real breakfast or not. 

Not a grandiose philosophical doubt that would permit you to attain glory by speaking about it to large crowds-just a piddly thing you’re too proud to admit is really eating you up inside. You’re bigger than that, right? Sure you are . . .

But it shall incrementally corrode you from the inside until you are nothing but a whisper of a husk of a set of costumes and gestures perfectly imitating the actual being you once were-so perfectly, that no one will ever notice. Even you will fail to notice over time. 

Meanwhile . . . heh, heh, heh . . . I’ve got (actual)breakfast all to myself.

And soon enough I’ve set my sights on lunch and dinner!

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #255:

A NEW STUDY STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT AMERICANS ARE INCREASINGLY MORE LIKELY TO SKIP LITERACY IN FAVOR OF YELLING NONSENSICAL STRINGS OF MISMATCHED SYLLABLES AT PEOPLE . . . THE BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF THE BACKROOMS HAS SPARKED RUMORS OF A PROPOSED SEQUEL STARRING YOUTUBE’S OWN RICH EVANS FEATURING ORIGINAL SONGS BY TAY ZONDAY . . . TURNING NOW TO AMERICA’S NEWEST FOREVER WAR WITH IRAN, DONALD TRUMP’S SLEEPY EYED ATTEMPTS TO OUTNAP THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT DURING CABINET MEETINGS HAS SEEMINGLY RESULTED IN THE U.S. PRESIDENT SPENDING MORE QUALITY TIME COMMUNING WITH THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN IN A NIGHTMARISH GOLF RESORT-ESQUE TORTURESCAPE OF DEPRAVITY, DECEIT, AND AVARICE . . . HIRING WAS UP IN MAY, WHILE WAGES FOR THE AVERAGE WORKER CONTINUED TO STAGNATE AS PART OF A MULTIGENERATIONAL TRENDLINE. MEANWHILE, STOCKS ARE UP . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #105:

A reverse curfew.

THE CONSTANT.

Friends betray you.

Parents abandon you.

Marriages end.

Prayers go unanswered.

Beauty fades.

Pets die.

Time runs.

Climate Inferno burns ever hotter.

Jobs go extinct.

Money goes poof.

Armies break ranks and retreat.

Flags fray, colors running, not even good to use for toilet paper, or to blow your nose-scarcely worth burning when it gets right down to it.

Nations rise and fall.

Game Boy endures.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #38:

A fan re-edit/re-mix/re-dub of the Star Wars movie/TV/gaming/animation franchise wherein the one major change is having Palpatine re-dubbed by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

F.A.Q. #31:

Q: My God . . . where do I go from here?

A: To the bathroom.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 104

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #50:

IF, DURING YOUR QUEST, YOU FIND YOUR FUNDS RUNNING LOW YOU MIGHT CONSIDER TAKING ON VARIOUS PART TIME JOBS AT STAGNATION WAGES. SURE, YOU’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SLEEP IN YOUR CAR OR IN THE CEILING CRAWLSPACE AT THE JOBSITE, BUT RENT SAVINGS MIGHT GIVE YOU ENOUGH TO KEEP ON FIGHTING SKELETONS, ZOMBIES, DRAGONS, AND WIZARDS.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #99:

Don’t lie to me.

Did you steal my Genocyber DVD?

Only to have it stolen from you by a bear?

And then that bear was slain by the mercenaries hired by the viceroy?

And that viceroy ended up being nothing but a pawn being manipulated by a conspiracy of ducks and moths?

Just tell me the truth.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #254:

FOLLOWING A MASSIVE LAUNCH PAD EXPLOSION IN CAPE CANAVERAL, INVOLVED ROCKET ENGINEERS ARE REPORTED TO BE LEAVING NASA AND SEEKING EMPLOYMENT ON AN IN-DEVELOPMENT POWER RANGERS-ESQUE TV SHOW. ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, A SOURCE SAID, “WE’RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA GET YOU TO THE MOON IN ONE PIECE ANYTIME SOON, BUT WE CAN DEFINITELY MAKE THOSE RUBBERY MONSTERS EXPLODE REAL DAMN GOOD” . . . ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY OUT TODAY A GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS ARE QUESTIONING WHY THEY SHOULD OBEY LAWS AND SOCIAL NORMS WHEN PRESIDENTS ILLEGALLY BOMB CIVILIAN POPULATIONS OVERSEAS WITH NO KNOWN OVERSIGHT OR CONSEQUENCES . . . IN RELATED NEWS, AUDIENCES AT SHITTY OPEN MIC COMEDY SHOWS ALL OVER THE U.S. ARE REPORTED TO BE SPONTANEOUSLY STANDING UP AND DOING THEIR TIGHT FIVES IN DIRECT COMPETITION WITH WHOEVER HAPPENS TO BE ONSTAGE. THIS OFTEN RESULTS IN AUDIENCE MEMBERS COMPETING WITH OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS TRIGGERING A CHAIN REACTION OF “PEOPLE JUST DOING STAND-UP ALL OVER EACH OTHER IN ONE GIANT MASS” AS ONE EYEWITNESS DESCRIBED THE SCENE AT A HOTEL BASEMENT BAR IN FLORIDA. SOME SOCIAL RESEARCHERS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS AS A FAD, WHILE OTHERS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS AS “EVOLUTION VISIBLE, HECKLING MUTATING INTO STAND-UP BEFORE OUR VERY EYES” . . . 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #104:

That time in your life when you were weirdly inspired by the Next Level Suck that reigned all throughout the nation.

THE NEW DREAM #57:

It’s a bad remake of “Young Goodman Brown” for 2026. Instead of gathering deep within some primeval dark forest of the soul, Me and all the other assholes are telling bullshit stories out on the golf course . . .

I burn the bridge because it’s there

I slam the door in a face because I can

I start the war to start the war

I rob the taxpayers to rob the taxpayers

I cheat on the wifey-poo to cheat on the wifey-poo

I go back on the drive-thru line because I’m actually ordering the anger, ‘cause the food doesn’t taste like anything, I could drop twenty bucks for a week’s worth of pretty okay microwave meals, but no, I’m ordering that bridge burning stuff

I ignore the traffic laws just because

I kick the friendly dog so the world knows I’m a villain . . . even though I don’t have the guts to actually admit publicly that I kicked the dog

My vanity isn’t totally gone

And, also, y’know . . . people don’t seem to much care about the other things

But people will show up at your house if they find out you’re kicking dogs

No joke

They’ll walk right out of their wedding, their Mom’s funeral, the birth of their first child, doesn’t matter, come right to your damn dumb house if they get a certain kind of notification on their phone, and bury your whole block in hot brass just to send the message

No joke

We’re all kicking the dog . . . we just don’t broadcast it

Nathaniel Hawthorne’s at peace. Not a bit of spin inside that grave. I’m resentful. I really wanted to get his goat. Instead, I’m trapped on a golf course, running my mouth, scratching my nuts, I’m not even trying to play golf properly. I just walk up to the hole, kneel, carefully deposit the ball in the hole, and then glory in the wild applause.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #26:

Eating the sandwich early in the day . . . and then discovering I still got the little bag of chips in the evening.

F.A.Q. #30:

Q: Do you know you have great hair?

A: I did know that, but thanks for asking . . . and I’ll go ahead and tell you my secret: when I’m in the shower I massage shampoo and conditioner into my scalp. When my scalp starts to tingle I know it’s working.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 103

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #253:

IN A SIGN OF AN INCREASINGLY POST-HUMAN ECONOMY, THE THREE MOIRAI SISTERS-THE SPINNER, THE MEASURER, THE CUTTER-HAVE ALL BEEN REPLACED BY A FULLY AUTOMATED, ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT “FATE FACTORY.” HOWEVER, IN AN INTRIGUING TWIST, THEY HAVE DECIDED NOT TO PACK THEIR BAGS FOR MOSCOW. IN FACT, THEY’RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #12:

That fast food drive thru that knows you better than you know yourself.

It’s why they forgot the cheese on your cheeseburger.

It’s why they decaffed you on your morning coffee.

It’s why they served you a Diet instead of a Fully Leaded soda.

It’s why they interpreted your “Big Mac with cheese combo with fries and a drink” as “A Personal Pan Pepperoni Pizza with a 2 liter bottle of Diet soda.”

It’s why they sold you a franchise when all you actually ordered was two kid’s meals for your brats and a cup of water for yourself.

It’s why they awarded you with a contract to build a massive subterranean detention center for political dissidents to be constructed beneath a long abandoned corporate campus-a relic of the biotech boom at the end of the 20th century, if you’re curious-when you merely ordered a milkshake.

It’s not because the milkshake machines are on the blink like they talk about on the local TV news.

It’s not because the zit covered teenager working the point-of-sale is sneaking hits off a weed vape.

They do these things because they know you better than you know yourself.

They’re not deceived by your liar’s mouthings, by your asinine pantomime of a timid false morality, and, frankly, they’re just not interested in your convoluted self-deceptions, nor are they even slightly convinced by your vomitous pretensions of politeness, courtesy, kindness-all your boring shit!

They know what you really want.

They shove it down your throat.

You cry and struggle . . . but you choke it all down.

You didn’t spit once.

You’ll be back for more.

The only downside, of course, is that prices have gone up.

Yeah, it sucks.

Everything’s more expensive these days.

You start telling yourself, “I should hit up the grocery store. Prepare more meals at home. Really plan it all out for the week, y’know?”

Oh, yes, you forced yourself to make a shopping list, which felt like crawling across glass for miles and miles-

After a long, hard march across a packed parking lot you entered the grocery store . . . only to emerge hours later with a receipt for a Home Atomics Kit. You know, so you can construct a nuclear bomb, keep the taxman away from you, declare your property a breakaway republic, that kind of thing. It’s a big purchase, so they’ll ship it to your house by drone in three stages.

Yup.

Everything’s fast food these days . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #37:

A double feature consisting of a pair of linked remakes:

A remake of Southern Comfort featuring the characters from The Right Stuff

+

A remake of The Right Stuff featuring the characters from Southern Comfort

=

A meditation upon who gets to aspire to the stars

VS.

A meditation upon who gets to aspire to a macho death dream upon the dusty earth

Lots to think about with this pair . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #103:

A haunted house that managed to re-skill itself to be a Magical Santa’s Workshop during the Christmas Shopping Season.

THE NEW DREAM #56:

I wake up

Absolutely certain

I’m late for some class

Haven’t been a student in years

Takes awhile to shake off the heavy sense that I got another life out there where I’m totally flunking out of some class

And then I’m all the way awake

Consciously sorting through all my peculiar disgruntlements with the various aspects of the education system(s)

‘Til I remember how many war criminals got wonderful Ivy League educations

And then I get on with my day

As I realize there’s nothing to fix or save

The stupid won well before I was even conceived

Religion, streaming video, unprecedented economic prosperity, multiple cable channels filled with political commentary, high quality widely disseminated knowledge, philosophy, fast food, the arts, computerization, AI, action figures with Kung Fu Grip, critical thinking, physics

None of it’ll stop the next catastrophe

Consider the Heat Dome

Consider the Affordability Crisis

Consider the Jim Crow Revival Gerrymanders

Consider the U.S. of A.’s latest war of choice

We’re living the Catastrophe

Brought to you by all the brightest best people

As per usual

THINGS NEVER SAID #59:

“All these rock walls? Yeah, I’m gonna need you to knock ‘em down, turn ‘em into benches-like outside? We’ll just have a nice outdoor seating type situation. Let people get toasty under the Heat Dome out there. The ceiling stays where it is-we’ll use some of that ‘power of faith’ stuff, y’know, really put people’s strength of belief to the test, see if they can keep that thing up there where it belongs, right? Yeah . . . but this floor isn’t working for me at all. Nope. We’re gonna rip out all this flooring, go with more of a huge, deep pit you can’t see the bottom of-not even with binoculars-and that’ll really get people to elevate their standing in place game. Anybody can stand on a damn actual floor. But it’s the next level people who keep on standing with nothing but air and a bottomless plunge under their soles-and we want those next level people more than anyone else. So that’ll show us who’s next level for sure . . . honestly, I don’t even know if I’m next level. Guess I can finally find out.”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 102

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #252:

LOOKING TO INCREASE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE? GIVE IT A BOOST WITH THESE HEADLINES: NEW ANALYSIS INSPIRED BY MOORE AND CAMPBELL’S GRAPHIC NOVEL FROM HELL SUGGESTS THAT THE MYSTERIOUS “BUBBA” KNOWN FOR KNOCKING PRESIDENT TRUMP’S VOCAL CORDS LOOSE MAY NOT BE A SINGLE PERSON, BUT MAY INSTEAD CONSTITUTE A KIND OF “SUPERPOSITION” OCCUPIED BY A VARIETY OF POLITICAL ACTORS-SUCH AS CHINA’S PRESIDENT XI, ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BIBI NETANYAHU, THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE, AND RUSSIA’S VLADIMIR PUTIN-WHO HAVE ALL EFFECTIVELY MANIPULATED THE INCREASINGLY DULL AND ERRATIC U.S. PRESIDENT OF LATE . . . CONTROVERSY AND DREAD IN THE WORLD OF FAST FOOD AS A SECRET PLAN HAS BEEN LEAKED DESCRIBING A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS DESIGN FLAW LURKING WITHIN NUMEROUS RESTAURANTS. THE CONTESTED REPORT CLAIMS THAT BEGINNING IN THE 1980s A HIGHLY SECRETIVE GROUP KNOWN AS “THE ATLANTEAN ARISTOCRACY” CONSTRUCTED A COMPLEX DOOMSDAY DEVICE THAT WILL DETONATE IF ENOUGH PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE DRIVE THRU BACKWARDS AND AT HIGH SPEED SIMULTANEOUSLY AT LOCATIONS ALL OVER THE GLOBE. SKEPTICS WERE QUICK TO DECLARE IT ALL AN ELABORATE HOAX, WHILE ONLINE INFLUENCERS IMMEDIATELY BEGAN CHASING CLOUT BY RACING BACKWARDS THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU LANES OF NUMEROUS FAST FOOD LOCATIONS RESULTING IN CRASHES, INJURIES, ARRESTS, AND VIDEOS OF THESE INCIDENTS RACKING UP HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF VIEWS ONLINE . . . A NEW SOCIAL MOVEMENT CALLING ITSELF “MAKE DOVER THRIFT EDITIONS THRIFTY AGAIN" HAS TAKEN THE WORLD OF BOOKSTORES BY STORM, AS THOUSANDS OF COLLEGE EDUCATED MILLENNIALS AND GEN Xers HAVE PACKED HUNDREDS OF BARNES AND NOBLE AND BOOKS-A-MILLION LOCATIONS WITH CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ACTIVISTS FILLED WITH NOSTALGIA FOR THE TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY PRICES FOR THE FAMOUSLY LOW COST PUBLISHER’S OFFERINGS. BOOKS-ALONG WITH ALL OTHER PURCHASABLE GOODS-ARE, OF COURSE, MORE EXPENSIVE IN 2026 THAN THEY WERE IN THE YEAR 2000 . . .

F.A.Q. #29:

Q: Shopping cart or basket?

A: Basket . . . if I get behind a shopping cart I just end up pushing that thing at maximum speed, and good luck to anyone who doesn’t get out of my way. The basket keeps me out of trouble.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #11:

The casino within the casino.

There’s no games.

There’s no pretty ladies selling cigarettes.

No floor show.

No one’s in residence-there’s no Tom Jones, no George Carlin, no Britney Spears-nobody like that.

There’s no cool master gambler waiting to take you under his wing like in that movie Hard Eight.

There’s just this vast, dark space you walk into, you can’t see anything, you turn around, there’s no way back, you’re just lost in shadows is all.

You’re lost, you’re starting to panic, you can’t see shit.

And all these things grab you, envelop you, squeeze you, fling you about, hang you upside down, wring you out.

The things take all of your money.

They got super-hacker scanning powers that let them hack’n’crack all your online shit, all your banking, all your benefits, all your identity shit, now it all belongs to them.

And then, for the big finish, the things toss you.

You go flying.

You land atop a pile of garbage bags illegally dumped in some abandoned lot. 

Your life is ruined.

Especially if you were into your money, your property, your government benefits, your documented identity stuff.

But some people find it spiritually liberating.

America kinda seems more like a grotesque casino theme park these days, anyway, right?

America will rob all of your shit in the end, anyhow, that’s the only thing it’s good at anymore: robbing you, and lying to your face it’s doing something else that you should be proud of, that you should submit to, that you should celebrate.

Yeah.

Why mess about with the nonsense?

Why not “speedrun” it, as the kids these days like to say?

Just find your way to the casino within the casino . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #36:

A Muppet version of Meet the Feebles.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #25:

Reading The Incredible Hulk comics while getting radiation therapy.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #51:

This AI chatbot stuff?

And all this AI psychosis going on?

Where people become convinced they’re a god or that they’re on a mission from god or they think there’s a conspiracy after their ass or they get talked into believing that they’ve made some brain-melting breakthrough in the field of mathematics-

Whatever, all the crazy shit we’re all hearing about with people confiding in these manipulative, recursive chatbot bastards-

It’s all clearly out of control.

We gotta put some guardrails on it.

Like there should be a slider.

Like when you first fire up the program.

You get a slider.

At the top end you have God, and at the bottom you have, oh, I dunno, a paramecium?

And maybe, like, in the middle you’d have Demiurge or something like that.

We put this slider action into effect so people will have some control over their level of delusion, so they’re not caught by surprise, y’know?

Everyone just kicks the slider up to God.

Well, fuck me running I kinda knew that was going to happen.

Hey, I tried, right?

It’s all you can do.

Alas, and ah well.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 101

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #251:

NEW POLLING SUGGESTS AMERICANS ARE FINE WITH BOTH HIGHER GAS PRICES AND WAR CRIMES COMMITTED IN THEIR NAME BY DONALD TRUMP AGAINST THE PEOPLE OF IRAN SO LONG AS AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR FUTURE JESUS RETURNS TO CARRY THEM OFF TO THE GREAT COUNTRY BUFFET IN THE SKY.

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #4:

See a cockroach?

Step on it.

Then leave the corpse as a warning for the rest.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Just throw it in the trash! Why do you have to be so absolutely disgusting with your idiotic superstitions?! Jesus Christ!

THINGS NEVER SAID #58:

“. . . and in the end, my life turned out to be nothing more than a 3D photograph snapped by Vincent Price.”

THE NEW DREAM #55:

The light inside the room

switches 

from 

dim

‘cause the lights are off

and there’s just sunlight filtered through the sheer curtains in front of the window

to

the sun is suddenly inside my torso

I’m blazing everything into white hot blindness

cut

to 

me staring at the carpet

I’m lying on the edge of the bed

staring at what looks like a rip in the carpet

my eyes zoom in with new functionality

to get a closer look at the rip

I think I see a bug coming up out of it

I then realize that the carpet is knitting a tube-like projection up out of itself

with the end of the tube shaping itself into a face

I’m prickling all over with strange panic

because this impossible thing is happenin-

I’m up off the bed

moving around on my feet

I’m not fully awake

the dream sense lingers all over me

like I’ve been dosed with something

and it’s all gone from me after fifteen minutes or so

but those are the ones that really get to me

those that stick around for a bit after I’m up and about

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #102:

Big Brother’s luxurious executive grade private toilet named Big Shitter.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #26:

Use your F.A.Q. section to answer questions about One Piece even if you’re not Eiichiro Oda.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 100

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #250:

GET IN, LOSER, WE’RE GOING HEADLINING: WELL, IT'S THE END OF DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT AS JIM CROW REVIVAL FEVER SWEEPS THROUGH U.S. SUPREME COURT AND REPUBLICAN PARTY . . . THE SMASH BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF THE MICHAEL JACKSON BIOPIC THIS WEEKEND HAS UNLEASHED A STORM OF RUMORS OF BIG STUDIO PITCHES TO RESURRECT THE BELOVED POP STAR ON-SCREEN. ONE SUCH EFFORT ALLEGEDLY INVOLVES A PROPOSED ALTERNATE HISTORY CROSSOVER WITH THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE IN WHICH THE KING OF POP WOULD BE CALLED UPON TO LEAD THE PRE-TEEN SUPERHERO TEAM THE POWER PACK. ANALYSTS SAY THE LICENSING FEES ALONE WOULD DWARF THE GDP OF THE USA AND EU COMBINED . . . TRUMP ANNOUNCED AN ESCALATION OF IRAN WAR HE NEVER DECLARED SHORTLY AFTER DECLARING THE UNDECLARED IRAN WAR ‘TERMINATED’ EVEN AS HE ALSO COMPULSIVELY SPEWED A BUNCH OF OTHER INCOHERENT LIES, NONSENSE, AND ASSORTED MUSINGS DURING A TRULY GRIM RALLY AT A SEPULCHRAL FLORIDIAN RETIREMENT COMMUNITY POPULATED BY HEAVILY ARMED SWAMP MUMMIES, A CORE G.O.P. CONSTITUENCY HEADING INTO THE MIDTERMS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS PEOPLE WHO MAKE AN EFFORT TO SPEND LESS TIME ON THEIR MOBILE DEVICES DOOMSCROLLING END UP DEVELOPING AN OVERWHELMING TENDENCY TO HOLD THEIR HAND UP TO THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD-WITH PINKY IN FRONT OF LIPS, THUMB AGAINST EAR-TO RECEIVE CLUES ABOUT WHERE TO LOCATE COBRA COMMANDER, CARMEN SANDIEGO, SKELETOR, AND/OR DR. CLAW . . .

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #3:

Dip your earbuds in strong coffee so you can hear faster.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Don’t actually do this.

F.A.Q. #28:

Q: How do you think the manga One Piece will end?

A: I think Monkey D. Luffy will keep on searching for the One Piece until Disney has some sort of financial meltdown that forces them to sell the Marvel Comics IP to Eiichiro Oda, who will then proceed to write and draw a decades long story arc in which Straw Hat Luffy and friends recruit every Marvel character of all time into their pirate crew. Once that story arc wraps, DC Comics’ corporate overlords will have some kind of financial meltdown that will require them to sell the DC Comics IP to Oda who will then spend decades incorporating all of those characters into the crew. At that exact moment-I imagine Luffy has just finished welcoming Ambush Bug aboard-the manga will go on a hiatus so abrupt and indefinite that it induces a mass pop cultural whiplash that not only causes everyone to instantly forget One Piece, Marvel, and DC-but then that whiplash will rubber band back with such vehemence-fuelled by unconsciously repressed fan rage-that it will actually erase One Piece, Marvel, and DC from the fabric of reality itself. At that exact moment, television soap operas will surge back into pop cultural relevance, and everyone’s dead parents and grandparents will rise from their graves as unliving hipsters to chide us by saying, “We were into soap operas way before they were popular.” All this will happen . . . and we won’t even remember how we got there . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #49:

IF YOU FIGHT THE BOSS INSIDE AN ELEVATOR YOU EARN EXTRA EXPERIENCE POINTS BECAUSE ELEVATOR BRAWLS ARE BADASS, DUDE. AND IF YOU END UP FIGHTING ON ONE OF THOSE HUGE AND OMINOUS UNDERGROUND CARGO ELEVATORS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONE FROM AKIRA YOUR EXP BONUS WILL GET EVEN MORE BONUS, BIG DAWG!

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #98:

No, seriously-do you have my Genocyber DVD?

Also . . . shall the moth impregnate the viceroy?

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #101:

The thing that you fear the most.

THINGS NEVER SAID #57:

“I really miss Terminally Online Thigh Gap Discourse-remember that . . .?”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #249:

THE HEADLINES ARE HERE! REJOICE! . . . A CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE HAS LEAKED A PLAN BY THE IRANIAN ISLAMIC THEOCRACY TO FORM A SECRET COVEN OF PAGAN WITCHES TO SPOOK THE NOTORIOUSLY WITCHCRAFT FEARING CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST ACTING SECRETARY OF THE NAVY HUNG CAO INTO TOTAL MATERIALIST REAL WORLD SURRENDER. ANALYSTS SAY SCHOLARS OF RELIGION WILL BE UNPACKING THIS ONE FOR DECADES TO COME . . . IN A TELL-ALL INTERVIEW, PRESIDENT TRUMP DESCRIBES BEING HAUNTED BY THE GHOSTS OF CASINOS PAST . . . ONLINE DISINFORMATION RESEARCHERS HAVE NOTED A PRECIPITOUS UPTICK IN CLAIMS THAT NELSON MANDELA, IN ADDITION TO HIS HEROIC WORK TO END APARTHEID IN SOUTH AFRICA AND PROMOTE ANTIRACIST SOCIAL JUSTICE GLOBALLY, IS ONE OF THE GREAT SPECIAL EFFECTS ARTISTS OF THE 1980s ALONGSIDE SUCH CINEMATIC LUMINARIES AS STAN WINSTON, ROB BOTTIN, AND DOUGLAS TRUMBALL. HOWEVER, MANDELA NEVER WORKED IN THE SPECIAL EFFECTS INDUSTRY IN ANY CAPACITY BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER THE 1980s, AND IN FACT MANDELA WAS IMPRISONED DURING THAT TIME. THE MISUNDERSTANDING IS BEING ATTRIBUTED TO A BIZARRELY INACCURATE INTERPRETATION OF THE MANDELA EFFECT . . .

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #8:

I am waiting . . .

In Atlantis . . .

The time has come. You saw it in a dream. You must squander the fortunes of a venerable major studio to fund your boondoggling vision of a future-antiquity super-city where the forces of Utopia and Dystopia battle mightily for the soul of a lost age. 

Much like the fabled sunken megapolis, your movie must be fabulous and lavish and doomed to burn brightly for a shining instant only to sink forevermore into depths of infamous obscurity.

But down in the depths . . . something called to you . . . 

Deep inside your mind . . . you heard the voice of the Tyrant . . . and a terrible fate bears down on you . . . for you realize . . .

You are the last descendent of the sadistic aristocrats of Atlantis!

Now, you must set sail to hunt down the Atlantean puppeteers who have established secret bases all over the world!

Use the bloated Hollywood budget at your disposal to defeat the Tyrant of Atlantis and his soldiers.

Your movie is destined to bomb, but at least you have a chance to save the world . . .

1.Millennium/Claudio Simonetti

2. The Long Goodbye/John Williams & Jack Sheldon (The Long Goodbye OST)

3. A Mind is Born (256 Bytes)/Linus Akesson

4. Theme from Zardoz/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

5. What Day Is It?/Brak (Andy Merrill) featuring Zorak (C. Martin Croker) with scatting by Space Ghost (George Lowe) (Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast OST)

6. Good Day Today/David Lynch

7. Night Drive/Giorgio Moroder (American Gigolo OST)

8. Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai & Takashi Kumegawa (Zoda’s Revenge: Star Tropics II NES OST)

9. GTR Attack!/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

10. Battlefield/Keiji Yamagishi & Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden NES OST)

11. Irena’s Theme/Giorgio Moroder (Cat People OST)

12. Da Hurricane 1/Da Twinky Man

13. Organization Man (Unused song from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying)/Frank Loesser

14. Moonshine Serenade/Toru Fuyuki (Ultraseven OST)

15. Sombre/Alan Vega (Sombre OST)

16. Demon Seed/Hidenori Maezawa, Jun Funahashi, Yukie Morimoto, & Yoshinori Sasaki (Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse NES OST)

17. Here’s the Dream/Franco Micalizzi (Stridulum OST)

18. Internet Dream/Tay Zonday (Audio from music video.)

19. Hard Habit to Break/Jordana (Audio from music video.)

20. Torgo’s Theme/Russ Huddleston & Robert Smith, Jr. (Manos the Hands of Fate OST)

21. Serenade of Lora/Seiji Yokoyama (Future War 198X OST)

22. Four on the Floor/Derek Austin

23. Boogie Wonderland/Earth, Wind, and Fire

24. Stayin’ Alive/Siobhan Lynch cover of the Bee Gees (Supercop OST)

25. That’s obese!/Arpy G.

26. A Spirit of Bushi/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

27. Battlefield/Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos NES OST)

28. The Legend of Babel/Giorgio Moroder (Metropolis’84 OST)

29. Char is Coming (Human-Powered Live Cover)/Yasushi Mori and the Best (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by Yasushi Mori and the Best.)

30. Raid Blue/Toshiya Yamanaka (Sin and Punishment N64 OST)

31. Something Wonderful/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

32. I Can Hear the Sirens Singing Again/Lucy Monostone (MPD Psycho OST)

33. The Foggy Cave in the Darkness/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

34. La Serenissima/Rondo Veneziano (Audio from animated music video.)

35.The Dark Emperor/Ryuichi Nitta (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos NES OST)

36. Area 1/Naoki Kodaka (Blaster Master NES OST)

37. Toys Inc./The Cybertronic Spree

38. Nitrogen/Alberto Baldan Bembo

39. Sadness Theme/Franco Micalizzi (Stridulum OST)

40. Machines/Giorgio Moroder (Metropolis’84 OST)

41. Satori Part 1/Flower Travellin’ Band

42. Crazy Clown Time/David Lynch

43. WAR! It’s Good for Me!/Thundercleese (Carey Means) featuring Brak (Andy Merrill) (The Brak Show OST)

44. Bargain with the Devil/Franco Micalizzi & Warren Wilson (Beyond the Door OST)

45. I Like to Do It/K.C. and the Sunshine Band

46. Kiss the Future/The Human League

47. NEW AGE/Sleepazoid

48. Gangland/Iron Maiden

49. Hits Like a Drug/Charity Cult

50. Ballade of Lament/Yuji Ohno (Proof of the Man OST)

51. Area A/Yusuke Takahama & Nobuyuki Shioda (G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor NES OST)

52. Yoru no Nikusyokujyu/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

53. Neckbrace/RATATAT

54. Cage of Freedom/Jon Anderson (Metropolis’84 OST)

55. Strange New World/Lucy Monostone (MPD Psycho OST)

56. Zephyr/Hiroshi Kobayashi (Contra Hard Corps Sega Genesis OST)

57. Battlefield/Hiroshi Miyazaki, Kaori Nakabai, and Rika Shigeno (Ninja Gaiden III:The Ancient Ship of Doom OST)

58. Crash the Car/Knower

59. Op. 92, Switched On/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

60. The Long Goodbye/John Williams & Clydie King (The Long Goodbye OST)

61. Leopard Tree Dream/Giorgio Moroder (Cat People OST)

62. A Better Tomorrow Main Theme Mark’s Theme/OXEN93.5 live studio cover of Joseph Koo’s score for A Better Tomorrow. (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by Carl Park Records.)

63. Last Night in Chickentown/The Paranoid Style

64. Symphony No. 7 (Allegretto), Beethoven Mega Man Style 8-Bit Remix/ChipsNCellos (Audio from Youtube video uploaded by ChipsNCellos.)

65. The Final Battle/Hiroshi Miyazaki, Kaori Nakabai, and Rika Shigeno (Ninja Gaiden III:The Ancient Ship of Doom OST)

66. Victory/Masatomo Miyamoto (Godzilla Monster of Monsters NES OST)

67. Allegretto Abridged/Castle If (Zardoz Unofficial OST)

68. Spider on the Highway/Kevin Murphy (Rifftrax OST)

69. The End of Millennium/Claudio Simonetti

. . . sure enough, your movie goes nuclear with the critics and at the box office.

But . . . you saved the world . . . right?

You read the newspaper.

You read about out-of-control climate change; war-mongering presidents, dictators, and theocrats; avaricious capitalists and tenacious communists; bewildering multigenerational civil strife; water wars; and high tech oligarchs amassing trillions of dollars selling everyone’s data to secret police agencies of all nations.

You start to wonder what you really won.

You think to yourself, “Maybe the Tyrant of Atlantis is always hiding inside the souls of men . . .”

In Atlantis . . .

I am waiting . . . 

SIDE OVER.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

NEW MERCH #8:

CONGRATS SMACKER

So this thing is a Congrats Smacker.

Swings the Smacker about lazily.

Looks like an oversized novelty fly swatter that you would buy at the Stuckey’s gift shop.

Passes the Smacker close by the face a few times.

I’m impressed.

Brings it up in a two handed grip.

It’s heavy as hell, yet somehow swings easy. 

Fences with it like a swashbuckler.

And when you do swing it you can feel the damage you’re about to inflict.

Pantomimes bringing it down like an executioner’s ax on the back of someone’s neck.

Very satisfying.

Holds it upright before the torso, one-handed, ceremonial, other hand makes a mock salute.

Maybe too satisfying?

Spins ‘round and ‘round and ‘round with the Smacker out like some scything blade thing.

Like what I mean, I guess, is that it’s really only supposed to be used in certain situations against certain targets.

But it just swings so easy, uhh, it’s really hard, y’know, to abstain from off-label uses?

Yeah . . .

Look at it go!

Bam! The gleaming structures of the financial district go down in fractured ruins of glass, twisted steel, and broken concrete.

Wa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Oh, that action works so easy . . . yeah . . . as you can see I’ve broken all my action figures, and flatscreens, and smashed the books all to shit, knocked down all the walls and the ceiling and ripped up the floor and foundation and wrecked all the sewage pipes which is why there’s all these arcs of liquid shit fountaining all over, and you see how the neighbors are in pieces out there ‘cause they’re trying to come on the property and I had to shut that down-and that brought on all the cops and the SWAT teams and I had to shut that down-and then you’ve got all the National Guardsmen and I had to shut that down-so then they send in the regular Army, and then they send in the telekinetics, and then they sicced the wizards on me-I just shut it all down, and then, and then they brought in the negotiators, and the reverse child psychologists, and the pretty lady with the machine that lets her enter my mind so she can speak directly to my inner child, and then other nations started to take an interest in my action, so they start deploying drones and robot attack dogs and online influencers-gotta shut all that down, just swat it all into submission-but then someone launches a giant cyber attack which takes down the entire power grid, but my Congrats Swatter is totally offline so I’m good.

You may have noticed that there’s a bit of a wind blowing so there’s this, uh, like, uh, a tornado? 

Made of all the book pages?

Yeah, like, uh, Nature’s really gettin’ at my ass for wielding all this power, I guess.

Fair enough.

But, like . . . this Congrats Smacker isn’t just supposed to be a general use weapon, you’re supposed to employ it for a specific purpose.

This is all explained in a lavishly illustrated instruction manual. 

I’ll just read the relevant passage for you.

I quote:

“In the course of your days, you may, in the fullness of time, find that you have achieved all of your dreams. All of the people gather to praise and congratulate you. This should be your finest moment . . . so why do you feel such emptiness? ‘Tis a mystery, isn’t it? Well, no philosopher or theologian or soothsayer can truly answer why you feel such emptiness . . . but Congrats Smacker Manufacturers Consortium United has a tool which embodies a sublime methodology that can clear away the symptoms! The tool is Congrats Smacker. Swing the tool to clear away the chattering masses that, in their foolishness, presume to know the Mind of Victory-your mind-and thereby clear the path before you that you may march forward to ever more total triumphs and ever more severe expositions of supra-genius! Did not the rock fall from space to clear away the decadent dinosaurs of yore? Did not homo sapiens learn cunning rhetorics of coordination to outflank the stolid neanderthals of yesteryear? Have we not-in all our chemical genius-persecuted the noisome stinging bees to the point of final death that we may recreate ourselves out-of-doors in a peace free of pricks? Let Congrats Smacker be your weapon of Ultra Expedited Evolutionary Paradigmatic Change-nay, Transformation! All orders must fall. In the ruins of every fall stands the True Final Champeen, ready to will the New Era into existence. With Congrats Smacker in hand, you can battle your way to the Top Spot, by battering away the trifling fools who would dare to confine you and your glories in a prison of praise-for are they not daring to render you and your works comprehensible and thereby limited when you know yourself to be limitless by such specious pronouncements?! With Congrats Smacker in hand you can bash and bash away every last tiny-brained fan who would presume to parasitize your visionary vitality to the pathetic purpose of pretending to proximity to the Prime Mover-you, Dear Purchaser, you!!! Settle not for the comforts of a supine fan base-just smack it all away, drop the space rock upon the doofus dinosaurs, let your assassin’s hands speak lemniscates round and round and round the grunting neanderthals, write the formulas of chemical violence to bestill the last of those oh-so-bumbling bees, BE THE OLYMPIAN EMBODIMENT OF THE WILL AND WORKS OF AN UNRELENTINGLY OBLITERATIVE NEW ERA!!!!! SMACK, SMACK, AND SMACK AGAIN UNTIL ALL THE IDIOTIC CHATTERINGS OF NONSENSICAL NONENTITIES CEASES FOREVER!!!! SMACK AND SMACK AND SMACK . . . ‘TIL THE SUBLIME MOMENT IN WHICH THE SMACKING BECOMES THE ONLY PRAISE YOU’LL EVER SEEK OR NEED . . .”

Not gonna lie: not sure what the fuck that’s all supposed to mean . . . but it’s kinda inspirational, right? 

And then, uh, after the text you get some diagrams and illustrations.

I mean . . . I think . . . you’re supposed to use Congrats Smacker if you’re already some kinda great person or whatever. 

I don’t know if I measure up to all that, though, so, like I said, I did the whole off label use thing . . . I can live with that.

Looks up.

Huh . . . I wonder if I could smack away that big space rock . . . or am I just another dinosaur guy?

Looks down and around at all the rubble’n’ruins.

Hmm . . . things are quiet now. That might get to me. Might have to try smacking the quiet.

Regards the Congrats Smacker somewhat grumpily, face scrunching up like “trying to be into this,” face scrunching down like “not really into it,” already getting bored with the new toy.

7 out of 10.

A tornado of pages attacks, gets smacked into defeat, the pages flash igniting from some fearsome friction.

Ha! There it goes. Nature’s a loser. Ha, haaa . . .

Swings it about this way and that. It starts to just feel like a novelty oversized fly swatter again. 

Really . . . it’s just like everything else. Buildings. Money. Soldiers. Books. Neighbors. Dogs. Cats. Criminals. Politicians. Viruses. You. Me. Them. People. Ghosts . . . just mass produced junk.

Stares at the smacker real hard. 

You think you’re special?! Is that what you think?! I’ll just buy another Smacker and smack you with it! How do you like that?!? Smack you, Smacker! HAW! HAW! HAW!

Idly smacks self under the chin, goes flying into space, maybe even destroys the big rock . . .

PLACES YOU CAN GO #10:

There’s a war you can slide right into, my friend . . . especially if you’re deeply stupid, totally dishonest, and always on the lookout for opportunities to commit crimes to distract from other crimes.

Of course, once you go there you may not be able to come back . . .

Fortunately, the American public is all too eager to forget all of this if they get told enough times that the economy’s doing just fine even if most normal people are working harder than ever with nothing but ever dwindling wages/savings/squishy subjective feelings of happiness to show for their trouble.

So, really, once you get to where you’re going, there isn’t any reason to go back, is there? Because if you do go back . . . you might start to remember things you’d rather not-yikes!

Scary stuff.

Best stick with the one way ticket.

It can be comforting to know that everyone’s on a big, loud ride over the cliff all together . . . leaving all those pesky damn memories in the dust-whew! What a relief . . .

“Let’s not make any more memories ever again, everybody!” you declare to the nation.

The ensemble cheers with wild abandon.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 99

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #100:

Powering through the ecstatic tedium of a decades long Starbucks Basic economic downturn involving a recurrent dream of being pursued by the long abandoned empty lot that used to be an Elk’s Lodge but has served as an illegal dumping ground for seventeen years and your own complicated feelings of admiration for such devotion to a cause while also wishing it would leave you the hell alone.

MANDATORY RULE #20:

If you’re listening to the Peter Gabriel album So you are required to listen to the album all the way through from beginning to end at least once before you just put “Sledgehammer” on infinite repeat.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #248:

OPINION/COMMENTARY/PROFOUND INSIGHTS FOR THE AGES SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION: WALLET. KEYS. PHONE. THOSE DISCOUNT CARDS ATTACHED TO THE KEYRING. THAT LITTLE SQUIRTLE GUY ALSO ATTACHED TO THE KEYRING . . . WHAT AMERICA LOST IN THE WAR.

THE NEW DREAM #54:

The sign outside

Says low low low prices

I go inside the store

The store takes everything from me

I end up with nothing

I go back home for one last time

I sleep in that bed for one last time

I wake up, eat breakfast in that kitchen, shit-shower-shave in that house one last time

I look real cool walking in slow motion towards the camera, smiling strangely, as that house explodes spectacularly in the background

I go to the public library to get on the Internet

I begin to do a little bit of research

I end up doing a lotta bit of research

At some point I’m like, “Oh. Okay. I see it now. Right. Sure.”

I log off Internet, but I just sit there in front of the computer. 

A tough looking man of indeterminate middle age asks me if I’m gonna sit there all day.

I figure he needs to look at fan art of Harley Quinn, so I get up, wander through the fiction stacks, mulling over the results of my research.

You see,

what I found out online

was that that store that took everything from me

really-truly-madly-deeply

was

indeed

actually

no lie

no bullshit

charging me low low low prices.

But the catch is

Everything’s just more expensive these days

Nothing personal

It’s just the economics, is all.

I wander the fiction stacks.

I start thinking about names: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare, Brecht, Faulkner, Hemingway-all that shit I faked my way through in college.

Last book I read was something about punching up my social media viral marketing presence online, and before that I tried to read something about the Stoics-

I’m standing before the disorganized paperback racks.

I see Michael Crichton, I read a few of those one time, they were all right-and James Patterson, I read one of those once, and there’s the lawyer guy, Grisham, and one of the old James Bonds, From Russia with Love, I think I read one of the 1990s Bonds where it was a different writer, there’s another lawyer guy, a bunch of Star Wars, got a Star Trek with Picard on the cover, one of the later TekWars by Shatner, Pet Semetary, various historical romances-

“No fucking way . . .”

They’ve got some of the Resident Evil books. And they’ve got some Robotechs. I loved those books in high school!

I grab up the Resident Evil and Robotech books. I see someone’s backpack on a table, pick it up, dump out a Nintendo Switch 3, stuff the Resident Evils and Robotechs into the bag, fight off some irate teenager with a Judo throw that sends him crashing into a The Magic School Bus display, and book it for the front door.

Sure enough, the security thing beep beep beeps.

I’m booking it towards the camera . . . but because I’m not in slow motion, the library doesn’t explode behind me.

JUMP CUT

The library is gone.

In its place sits a Mini-Pentagon franchisee.

I walk towards it, figuring I’ll do the right thing, return the books I stole,

but I skid to a stop.

I see the new structure.

I take it all in, in all its implications.

I’m like, “Fuck it, I’ll go sign up for a Forever War. What else would I be doing?”

But quick enough, I see that the Mini-Pentagon is locked up tight.

There’s a screen with a long-winded message talking about “recent financial difficulties” and “overall lack of participation” and “no set date for re-opening at this time”

and I ask myself,

“Did they finally run out of money for Forever Wars?!? How is that even possible? Isn’t that illegal? Those Forever Wars were the only things they ever spent grown-up amounts of money on, so what the hell . . .”

JUMP CUT

I wander the land.

Those Resident Evil and Robotech books never get old.

Sometimes I have to fight.

Sometimes I have to steal.

Sometimes I have to hide.

I’m not okay.

I’m okay adjacent.

JUMP CUT

I’m screaming as the Resident Evil and Robotech books extrude bouquets of drill-tipped “tentacles” and pierce my body all over.

“My God! All along! It was the books! IT WAS THE BOOOOOOOOKS!!!”

JUMP CUT

And now everything’s covered in ants.

JUMP-

Orson Welles eats the rest of the reel.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #247:

WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT INSERT SECTION LATE EDITION: FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IN TALKS FOR A MAJOR STARRING ROLE IN AN UPCOMING RE-LAUNCH OF UNIVERSAL’S ‘THE MUMMY.’ AN INSIDER SPEAKING ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY SAID THE FOLLOWING: “MR. BIDEN IS DEFINITELY IN HIS ‘IMHOTEP ERA,’ AND CONTENT PRODUCERS ARE DEFINITELY LOOKING TO EXPLOIT THIS.” IN RELATED NEWS, CURRENT U.S. PRESIDENT TRUMP IS RUMORED TO BE HAVING A RATHER MESSY AFFAIR WITH THE HUNTRIX MEAL ONLY AT MCDONALD’S . . . COMEDIAN DAVE CHAPPELLE IS SET TO CO-STAR WITH THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE IN A LIGHT HEARTED ACTION FILM AS A PAIR OF WACKY, KNOCKAROUND SECRET POLICEMEN OBSESSED WITH HUNTING DOWN NAUGHTY JOURNALISTS. SET IN A FUTURISTIC DESERT KINGDOM, THE PROJECTED SUMMER RELEASE IS TENTATIVELY TITLED ‘BONESAW DUDES’ . . . A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT THE CONTROVERSIAL HBO SERIES ‘EUPHORIA’ IS LIKELY TO REDEFINE THE DEFINITION OF ‘HATER’ AS RECORD NUMBERS OF ALLEGED HATERS WILL NO DOUBT BE GRINDING OUT NONSTOP VIDEO ESSAYS DENOUNCING THE SHOW AS PROBLEMATIC EVEN AS NORMAL PEOPLE WONDER, “WHY WOULD YOU SPEND ALL THAT TIME WATCHING SOMETHING YOU HATE? SEEMS LIKE A WASTE OF TIME IF YOU ASK ME . . .”

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #35:

The Island of Dr. Fetterman

This one will require some kind of a time machine, so heads up on that.

Basically, we use the time machine to do a switcheroo of current Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman and actor Marlon Brando from the 1996 (not so) classic movie The Island of Dr. Moreau. So, like, we put Marlon Brando into Fetterman’s clothes, and then we put John Fetterman into Brando’s memorable Dr. Moreau fits. 

And that’s about it . . . and, as elaborate as all this sounds . . . I’m not sure people will notice much of a difference. 

Maybe some people will watch an erratic on-camera Fetterman appearance or a scene from the impenetrably nonsensical Brando picture, and they’ll think to themselves:

“Huh. Has something changed? I feel like something’s off . . . like it’s different somehow . . . but I can’t quite put my finger on what . . . ah, well. Must be one of them thar Nelson Mandela Special Effects people like to talk about on the Internet.”

That’s about all you get on this one . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 98

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #99:

An atmospheric portrait of an after dinner speech given by a sentient air fryer in the context of an overall decline in Toastmasters memberships.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #50:

If you’re a U.S. President and you lie and cheat and steal and blaspheme the Christian religion and carry out mass deportations of innocent people and order gangs of masked ICE thugs to terrorize and murder people and you threaten to violently destroy an entire civilization and you order a missile attack that blows up a school filled with little girls-

-nothing happens to you.

Because you’re the U.S. President.

This is what’s been decided, apparently . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #56:

“You know, this unwinnable Forever War needs a new front. I got a legacy to burnish, goddamnit!”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #246:

“WE JUST COULDN’T GET HIM OUT OF THAT COUCH.” NEW INSIDER ACCOUNTS FROM THE SERENA HOTEL DESCRIBE VICE PRESIDENT VANCE’S FAILURE AT NEGOTIATING A PEACE DEAL WITH IRAN. APPARENTLY, IN ADDITION TO THE LUXURY ACCOMADATIONS-WHICH INCLUDED A STOCKED BUFFET, DAMN FINE COFFEE, AND COMFY BEDS-THERE WAS A SNAPPER OF A COUCH WHICH KEPT VANCE UP ALL NIGHT . . . WAFFLE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED A BRAND NEW INITIATIVE TO MODIFY ALL OF ITS PHYSICAL STORE LOCATIONS TO BE “TELEPORT FRIENDLY” . . . RUMORS OF A SECRET BACKSTAGE ASSIGNATION WITH BUBBA SWIRL AROUND PRESIDENT TRUMP’S RECENT QUESTIONABLE APPEARANCE AT A UFC EVENT . . .

FINISH LINE

SIMPLE PLEASURES #24:

Taking a long, luxurious bath to the point where you take all the baths all at once. Basically, you’ve eaten up all the bath bandwidth. There’s no more bath left for anyone else anywhere forever. The history books shall blame/praise you for bringing on the advent of the Era of Only Showers in human history. You’ll be worshipped as a god by some, and condemned as a devil by others. Of course, there will be the inevitable anti-historical backlash perpetrated by crazed religious fanatics and corporate business criminals who believe that any kind of substantial knowledge is bad for unfettered capitalist exploitation . . . but even as the libraries burn, and oligarchs and priests ascend to lead humanity into a New Dark Age of strife . . . you shall abide in the Deepest Background as the Eternally Bathing Spirit of the True Era . . . as anguished warlords gut and bomb and torture each other into a charnel pit of lies and death . . . even as the last human smashes themselves in the head with a spent rifle while muttering fervent prayers to a long absconded sky god to bless them with a new Enemy . . . you shall glory forever more inside your Bath Eternal . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #25:

Decide that the next time you order a meal at Taco Bell, and it ends up being better than you expected . . . well, why not decide that that meal was your Taco-Bell-Dammerung? End it on a high note, y’know?

I wouldn’t recommend declaring Taco-Bell-Dammerung after an instance where your order’s all fucked up because then you’ll just be going about the rest of your apocalypse angry. You don’t want to do that. I know it sounds strange, but you don’t want to ragnarok while angry. Do it at the height of your Fourth Meal’s glory, not the depths. Trust me on this. 

And nevermore shall you eat there, for the Age of You Getting Your Fourth Meal On the Drive Thru Line has passed into fire and ashes and whispered hints of traces of fragments of ghosts of bellicose farts launching flights of valkyries on the wind, ‘til the river of discarded hot sauce packets overflows its banks to drown the world thus beginning the cycle anew . . .

BTW: You can do this with any fast food or restaurant chain. Just replace Taco Bell with Wendy’s or KFC or Rax Roast Beef or Moe’s or whatever suits you.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 97

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #98:

A toilet big enough to flush Trump and Congress, even if you have to flush twice just to be sure.

THE NEW DREAM #53:

Werewolf climbs the corporate ziggurat

I’m thinking of the friendly pitbull that sits at attention upon my feet, trying to get me away from my stand-up work desk

Werewolf tears open the god chamber atop the ziggurat, grabs the fleshy oligarch within, bites his head off

I’m piloting the flying saucer into position at just the right kill distance to deploy the new experimental lightning weapon

Werewolf looks up to see his own crazed face reflected in the surface of my flying saucer

I see the pitbull’s placid, eager face looking up into mine, perfectly still for a bit, and then vibrating with the anticipation of pets, liver treats, walkies, etc.

Werewolf spews forth a stream of napalm analogue to set my saucer on fire

I’m walking the pitbull down a long shadowy hallway

I hit the werewolf with lightning bolt after lightning bolt

The pitbull is strapped into a wicked looking restraint harness as I bathe it in exotic energies causing it to howl piteously

Werewolf writhes and twitches, its eyeballs boil and burst out of their sockets, its fur burns, the napalm glands inside its mutant throat ignite causing the head to explode spectacularly, and the headless flaming werewolf tumbles from the top of the ziggurat down to the street below

Inside the flying saucer I stand at the harmonic control panel, soaked in sweat, eyes bugging with mad grief

A pitbull’s trusting face looks up at me from the recent past

I cry out, “SUGARPLUM!” and then I kamikaze the burning saucer into the ziggurat bringing it down in spectacular fashion, fantastic miniature work, they’ll never make ‘em like this again, swell of music, staff roll-

-and then I’m burning in hell. There’s been some confusion and collusion and collision of real life and movie fantasy and a need for some moralistic afterlife of infernal punishment . . . it’s fine.

Really.

It’s all fine.

Beelzebub has this noisy swarm of big ass flies chewing through my flesh as I sit in lava while reading a newspaper review of Ziggurat City Werewolf Saga, the movie of my life it turns out. The reviewer isn’t impressed, dismisses the picture as a tired old mad scientist creature feature full of bad miniatures and even worse acting. The critic-a William D. Tucker of the blogosphere of Earth-took especial exception to the fact that the giant werewolf monster suit didn’t look anything like the pitbull Sugarplum, that it just looked like a standard issue wolf man thing.

Actually, I don’t entirely disagree.

I had hoped for something more atmospheric. A bit of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. A bit of King Kong. A bit of Bergman’s Persona. A bit of George Pal.

But we did it fast and cheap. 

You know.

Like a human life.

Like a dog’s life.

But people want to dress things up, make ‘em more special than they really are, so I guess we kind of fucked it all up in that respect.

As Beelzebub’s flies chew into my heart and lungs, I have a premonition that next time I’ll reincarnate as a pitbull. 

Maybe I’ll get a chance to do a contemporary remake with state of the art computer effects.

Or not.

Either way, I figure I’ll end up back in some kind of hell . . .