THE HEADLINES. PRESENTED BY OPTIMUM OBLIGATE WELLNESS VENTURES: BOX OFFICE ANALYSIS SUGGESTS THAT THE SUCCESSES EARNED BY MOVIES DIRECTED BY YOUTUBERS MARKS THE BEGINNING OF ‘THE STARBUCKS BASIC UPSELL CINEMATIC ERA’ IN WHICH AUDIENCES ARE EAGER TO PAY FOR STUFF THEY’VE BEEN WATCHING FOR YEARS FOR FREE ONLINE . . . ONLINE NEWS OUTLETS ARE CELEBRATING A NEW ERA OF DIRECT TO CONSUMER MARKETING AS THEY IMPLEMENT AN INNOVATIVE FORM OF ‘ADVERTORIAL BRAIN BEAMING’ DERIVED FROM ORICHALCUM POWERED TECHNOLOGY RECOVERED FROM LOST ATLANTIS. ADVERTISERS WILL NOW BE ABLE TO INDUCE ADVERTISING FANTASIAS WITHIN THE BRAINS OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS AT WILL. SOME CRITICS HAVE QUESTIONED WHETHER THE FABLED CITY SHOULD BE DISTURBED, AND HAVE CITED ANCIENT PROPHECIES THAT WARN OF A ‘SPIRIT OF DESTRUCTION AND TYRANNY’ THAT HAS BEEN SEALED AWAY WITHIN ATLANTIS. THESE PROPHECIES HAVE BEEN LARGELY DISMISSED AS A FANCIFUL MISTRANSLATION. ANALYSTS PREDICT AN AGE OF ULTIMATE AUDIENCE CAPTURE IS AT HAND . . . A STRANGE, OPPRESSIVE SHADOW ENTITY IS NOW LIKELY TO STALK YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO THIS SUMMER SEASON DUE TO YOUR FAILINGS AS BOTH AN INDIVIDUAL AND AS A MEMBER OF A NATION IRRETRIEVABLY FALLEN INTO A PIT OF CORRUPTION AND AVARICE. ALTHOUGH THERE IS NEITHER A CURE NOR A COURSE OF TREATMENT AT THIS TIME, UNLICENSED WELLNESS EXPERTS WHO HAVE WRITTEN OUR CORPORATE OWNERSHIP GIGANTIC CHECKS RECOMMEND TAKING BREAKS, PUTTING YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS WHILE YOU SAY LA-LA-LA-LA FOR HOURS AT A GO, DRINKING PLENTY OF FLUIDS, PURCHASING THE OFFICIAL OPTIMUM OBLIGATE BRAND LINE OF UNREGULATED SUPPLEMENTS PRESENTED WITHIN THE POP-UP ADS THAT ARE MANIFESTING NOW WITHIN YOUR MIND AT THIS VERY MOMENT, AND MODESTLY REDUCING SCREENTIME . . . NEW ANALYSIS OUT TODAY SUGGESTS THAT ALL THE BAD NEWS OF LATE IS LIKELY TO BAD EVEN BADDER FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE . . . STOCKS ARE UP . . .
