THE NEW DREAM #56:

I wake up

Absolutely certain

I’m late for some class

Haven’t been a student in years

Takes awhile to shake off the heavy sense that I got another life out there where I’m totally flunking out of some class

And then I’m all the way awake

Consciously sorting through all my peculiar disgruntlements with the various aspects of the education system(s)

‘Til I remember how many war criminals got wonderful Ivy League educations

And then I get on with my day

As I realize there’s nothing to fix or save

The stupid won well before I was even conceived

Religion, streaming video, unprecedented economic prosperity, multiple cable channels filled with political commentary, high quality widely disseminated knowledge, philosophy, fast food, the arts, computerization, AI, action figures with Kung Fu Grip, critical thinking, physics

None of it’ll stop the next catastrophe

Consider the Heat Dome

Consider the Affordability Crisis

Consider the Jim Crow Revival Gerrymanders

Consider the U.S. of A.’s latest war of choice

We’re living the Catastrophe

Brought to you by all the brightest best people

As per usual

THINGS NEVER SAID #59:

“All these rock walls? Yeah, I’m gonna need you to knock ‘em down, turn ‘em into benches-like outside? We’ll just have a nice outdoor seating type situation. Let people get toasty under the Heat Dome out there. The ceiling stays where it is-we’ll use some of that ‘power of faith’ stuff, y’know, really put people’s strength of belief to the test, see if they can keep that thing up there where it belongs, right? Yeah . . . but this floor isn’t working for me at all. Nope. We’re gonna rip out all this flooring, go with more of a huge, deep pit you can’t see the bottom of-not even with binoculars-and that’ll really get people to elevate their standing in place game. Anybody can stand on a damn actual floor. But it’s the next level people who keep on standing with nothing but air and a bottomless plunge under their soles-and we want those next level people more than anyone else. So that’ll show us who’s next level for sure . . . honestly, I don’t even know if I’m next level. Guess I can finally find out.”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 102

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #252:

LOOKING TO INCREASE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE? GIVE IT A BOOST WITH THESE HEADLINES: NEW ANALYSIS INSPIRED BY MOORE AND CAMPBELL’S GRAPHIC NOVEL FROM HELL SUGGESTS THAT THE MYSTERIOUS “BUBBA” KNOWN FOR KNOCKING PRESIDENT TRUMP’S VOCAL CORDS LOOSE MAY NOT BE A SINGLE PERSON, BUT MAY INSTEAD CONSTITUTE A KIND OF “SUPERPOSITION” OCCUPIED BY A VARIETY OF POLITICAL ACTORS-SUCH AS CHINA’S PRESIDENT XI, ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BIBI NETANYAHU, THE SAUDI CROWN PRINCE, AND RUSSIA’S VLADIMIR PUTIN-WHO HAVE ALL EFFECTIVELY MANIPULATED THE INCREASINGLY DULL AND ERRATIC U.S. PRESIDENT OF LATE . . . CONTROVERSY AND DREAD IN THE WORLD OF FAST FOOD AS A SECRET PLAN HAS BEEN LEAKED DESCRIBING A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS DESIGN FLAW LURKING WITHIN NUMEROUS RESTAURANTS. THE CONTESTED REPORT CLAIMS THAT BEGINNING IN THE 1980s A HIGHLY SECRETIVE GROUP KNOWN AS “THE ATLANTEAN ARISTOCRACY” CONSTRUCTED A COMPLEX DOOMSDAY DEVICE THAT WILL DETONATE IF ENOUGH PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE DRIVE THRU BACKWARDS AND AT HIGH SPEED SIMULTANEOUSLY AT LOCATIONS ALL OVER THE GLOBE. SKEPTICS WERE QUICK TO DECLARE IT ALL AN ELABORATE HOAX, WHILE ONLINE INFLUENCERS IMMEDIATELY BEGAN CHASING CLOUT BY RACING BACKWARDS THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU LANES OF NUMEROUS FAST FOOD LOCATIONS RESULTING IN CRASHES, INJURIES, ARRESTS, AND VIDEOS OF THESE INCIDENTS RACKING UP HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF VIEWS ONLINE . . . A NEW SOCIAL MOVEMENT CALLING ITSELF “MAKE DOVER THRIFT EDITIONS THRIFTY AGAIN" HAS TAKEN THE WORLD OF BOOKSTORES BY STORM, AS THOUSANDS OF COLLEGE EDUCATED MILLENNIALS AND GEN Xers HAVE PACKED HUNDREDS OF BARNES AND NOBLE AND BOOKS-A-MILLION LOCATIONS WITH CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ACTIVISTS FILLED WITH NOSTALGIA FOR THE TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY PRICES FOR THE FAMOUSLY LOW COST PUBLISHER’S OFFERINGS. BOOKS-ALONG WITH ALL OTHER PURCHASABLE GOODS-ARE, OF COURSE, MORE EXPENSIVE IN 2026 THAN THEY WERE IN THE YEAR 2000 . . .

F.A.Q. #29:

Q: Shopping cart or basket?

A: Basket . . . if I get behind a shopping cart I just end up pushing that thing at maximum speed, and good luck to anyone who doesn’t get out of my way. The basket keeps me out of trouble.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #11:

The casino within the casino.

There’s no games.

There’s no pretty ladies selling cigarettes.

No floor show.

No one’s in residence-there’s no Tom Jones, no George Carlin, no Britney Spears-nobody like that.

There’s no cool master gambler waiting to take you under his wing like in that movie Hard Eight.

There’s just this vast, dark space you walk into, you can’t see anything, you turn around, there’s no way back, you’re just lost in shadows is all.

You’re lost, you’re starting to panic, you can’t see shit.

And all these things grab you, envelop you, squeeze you, fling you about, hang you upside down, wring you out.

The things take all of your money.

They got super-hacker scanning powers that let them hack’n’crack all your online shit, all your banking, all your benefits, all your identity shit, now it all belongs to them.

And then, for the big finish, the things toss you.

You go flying.

You land atop a pile of garbage bags illegally dumped in some abandoned lot. 

Your life is ruined.

Especially if you were into your money, your property, your government benefits, your documented identity stuff.

But some people find it spiritually liberating.

America kinda seems more like a grotesque casino theme park these days, anyway, right?

America will rob all of your shit in the end, anyhow, that’s the only thing it’s good at anymore: robbing you, and lying to your face it’s doing something else that you should be proud of, that you should submit to, that you should celebrate.

Yeah.

Why mess about with the nonsense?

Why not “speedrun” it, as the kids these days like to say?

Just find your way to the casino within the casino . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #36:

A Muppet version of Meet the Feebles.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #25:

Reading The Incredible Hulk comics while getting radiation therapy.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #51:

This AI chatbot stuff?

And all this AI psychosis going on?

Where people become convinced they’re a god or that they’re on a mission from god or they think there’s a conspiracy after their ass or they get talked into believing that they’ve made some brain-melting breakthrough in the field of mathematics-

Whatever, all the crazy shit we’re all hearing about with people confiding in these manipulative, recursive chatbot bastards-

It’s all clearly out of control.

We gotta put some guardrails on it.

Like there should be a slider.

Like when you first fire up the program.

You get a slider.

At the top end you have God, and at the bottom you have, oh, I dunno, a paramecium?

And maybe, like, in the middle you’d have Demiurge or something like that.

We put this slider action into effect so people will have some control over their level of delusion, so they’re not caught by surprise, y’know?

Everyone just kicks the slider up to God.

Well, fuck me running I kinda knew that was going to happen.

Hey, I tried, right?

It’s all you can do.

Alas, and ah well.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 101

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #251:

NEW POLLING SUGGESTS AMERICANS ARE FINE WITH BOTH HIGHER GAS PRICES AND WAR CRIMES COMMITTED IN THEIR NAME BY DONALD TRUMP AGAINST THE PEOPLE OF IRAN SO LONG AS AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR FUTURE JESUS RETURNS TO CARRY THEM OFF TO THE GREAT COUNTRY BUFFET IN THE SKY.

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #4:

See a cockroach?

Step on it.

Then leave the corpse as a warning for the rest.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Just throw it in the trash! Why do you have to be so absolutely disgusting with your idiotic superstitions?! Jesus Christ!

THINGS NEVER SAID #58:

“. . . and in the end, my life turned out to be nothing more than a 3D photograph snapped by Vincent Price.”

THE NEW DREAM #55:

The light inside the room

switches 

from 

dim

‘cause the lights are off

and there’s just sunlight filtered through the sheer curtains in front of the window

to

the sun is suddenly inside my torso

I’m blazing everything into white hot blindness

cut

to 

me staring at the carpet

I’m lying on the edge of the bed

staring at what looks like a rip in the carpet

my eyes zoom in with new functionality

to get a closer look at the rip

I think I see a bug coming up out of it

I then realize that the carpet is knitting a tube-like projection up out of itself

with the end of the tube shaping itself into a face

I’m prickling all over with strange panic

because this impossible thing is happenin-

I’m up off the bed

moving around on my feet

I’m not fully awake

the dream sense lingers all over me

like I’ve been dosed with something

and it’s all gone from me after fifteen minutes or so

but those are the ones that really get to me

those that stick around for a bit after I’m up and about

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #102:

Big Brother’s luxurious executive grade private toilet named Big Shitter.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #26:

Use your F.A.Q. section to answer questions about One Piece even if you’re not Eiichiro Oda.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 100

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #250:

GET IN, LOSER, WE’RE GOING HEADLINING: WELL, IT'S THE END OF DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT AS JIM CROW REVIVAL FEVER SWEEPS THROUGH U.S. SUPREME COURT AND REPUBLICAN PARTY . . . THE SMASH BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF THE MICHAEL JACKSON BIOPIC THIS WEEKEND HAS UNLEASHED A STORM OF RUMORS OF BIG STUDIO PITCHES TO RESURRECT THE BELOVED POP STAR ON-SCREEN. ONE SUCH EFFORT ALLEGEDLY INVOLVES A PROPOSED ALTERNATE HISTORY CROSSOVER WITH THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE IN WHICH THE KING OF POP WOULD BE CALLED UPON TO LEAD THE PRE-TEEN SUPERHERO TEAM THE POWER PACK. ANALYSTS SAY THE LICENSING FEES ALONE WOULD DWARF THE GDP OF THE USA AND EU COMBINED . . . TRUMP ANNOUNCED AN ESCALATION OF IRAN WAR HE NEVER DECLARED SHORTLY AFTER DECLARING THE UNDECLARED IRAN WAR ‘TERMINATED’ EVEN AS HE ALSO COMPULSIVELY SPEWED A BUNCH OF OTHER INCOHERENT LIES, NONSENSE, AND ASSORTED MUSINGS DURING A TRULY GRIM RALLY AT A SEPULCHRAL FLORIDIAN RETIREMENT COMMUNITY POPULATED BY HEAVILY ARMED SWAMP MUMMIES, A CORE G.O.P. CONSTITUENCY HEADING INTO THE MIDTERMS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS PEOPLE WHO MAKE AN EFFORT TO SPEND LESS TIME ON THEIR MOBILE DEVICES DOOMSCROLLING END UP DEVELOPING AN OVERWHELMING TENDENCY TO HOLD THEIR HAND UP TO THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD-WITH PINKY IN FRONT OF LIPS, THUMB AGAINST EAR-TO RECEIVE CLUES ABOUT WHERE TO LOCATE COBRA COMMANDER, CARMEN SANDIEGO, SKELETOR, AND/OR DR. CLAW . . .

THE NEW SUPERSTITIONS #3:

Dip your earbuds in strong coffee so you can hear faster.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Don’t actually do this.

F.A.Q. #28:

Q: How do you think the manga One Piece will end?

A: I think Monkey D. Luffy will keep on searching for the One Piece until Disney has some sort of financial meltdown that forces them to sell the Marvel Comics IP to Eiichiro Oda, who will then proceed to write and draw a decades long story arc in which Straw Hat Luffy and friends recruit every Marvel character of all time into their pirate crew. Once that story arc wraps, DC Comics’ corporate overlords will have some kind of financial meltdown that will require them to sell the DC Comics IP to Oda who will then spend decades incorporating all of those characters into the crew. At that exact moment-I imagine Luffy has just finished welcoming Ambush Bug aboard-the manga will go on a hiatus so abrupt and indefinite that it induces a mass pop cultural whiplash that not only causes everyone to instantly forget One Piece, Marvel, and DC-but then that whiplash will rubber band back with such vehemence-fuelled by unconsciously repressed fan rage-that it will actually erase One Piece, Marvel, and DC from the fabric of reality itself. At that exact moment, television soap operas will surge back into pop cultural relevance, and everyone’s dead parents and grandparents will rise from their graves as unliving hipsters to chide us by saying, “We were into soap operas way before they were popular.” All this will happen . . . and we won’t even remember how we got there . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #49:

IF YOU FIGHT THE BOSS INSIDE AN ELEVATOR YOU EARN EXTRA EXPERIENCE POINTS BECAUSE ELEVATOR BRAWLS ARE BADASS, DUDE. AND IF YOU END UP FIGHTING ON ONE OF THOSE HUGE AND OMINOUS UNDERGROUND CARGO ELEVATORS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONE FROM AKIRA YOUR EXP BONUS WILL GET EVEN MORE BONUS, BIG DAWG!