NOTIONAL HEADLINE #263:

WHEN I WAS PUTTING ON MY JACKET, OKAY, IT FELT WEIRD. IT FELT IMPOSSIBLE. WHAT DO I MEAN BY THIS? IT’S LIKE . . . I FELT THE DANGLY BITS OF LIKE A FRINGE THING, YOU KNOW? LIKE A FRINGE JACKET? LIKE THE LITTLE FRINGY THINGS-I FELT ‘EM, BY CHRIST, I FELT ‘EM! BUT THAT’S THE THING. I DON’T WEAR A FRINGE JACKET. MY JACKET IS TRIM TO THE LINE, SQUARED OFF, TO THE BASICS, TO THE ESSENCE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? SO, WHAT IS THIS FRINGE I’M FEELING? IT’S NOT EVEN THERE! YET I’M FEELING IT ON ME-HOW IS THAT, UH, UH, HOW IS THAT-HOW COULD IT BE? THE WAY I FIGURE IT IT’S EITHER ONE OF THOSE ‘GLITCHES IN THE MATRIX’-LIKE THERE’S THIS OTHER REALITY THAT’S TRYING TO INTRUDE ON MY BASELINE, RIGHT? AND THAT’S CAUSING ALL SORTS OF NONSTANDARD EFFECTS . . . OR . . . OR . . . IT COULD BE A PHANTOM FRINGE. LIKE A PHANTOM LIMB. BUT IT’S A PHANTOM FRINGE. NOT A PHANTOM FRIDGE, THAT WOULD BE A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING-IT’S A PHANTOM FRINGE. BUT HERE’S THE THING: I’VE NEVER REALLY BEEN INTO FRINGE JACKETS. THEY’RE JUST NOT MY THING. SO IT’S NOTHING I’VE EVER WORN, NOTHING I’VE EVER PURCHASED, NOTHING I’VE EVER LOST. YET, HERE I AM, EXPERIENCING PHANTOM FRINGE. ‘TIS A MYSTERY . . . BUT I THINK I’VE SOLVED IT. LIKE THIS: SOMEONE ELSE’S PHANTOM FRINGE HAS GOTTEN LOOSE ONLY TO LAND ON ME. SO, BASICALLY I’VE CAUGHT SOMEONE ELSE’S HAUNTING LIKE A GODDAMN COLD VIRUS. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE . . . STOCKS ARE UP . . .