THE NEW SIGNAGE #29:

NOTHING BUT NET NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #42:

The more resentful, dead-eyed helper elves you have bound howlingly to your will the higher your overall productivity output.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #217:

“YOU AND I ARE BOUND TOGETHER, DONALD!” THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN EXPRESSED GRAVE DOUBTS THAT TRUMP’S LOOMING INVASION OF VENEZUELA WOULD DO MUCH TO DISTRACT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THEIR ETERNAL BESTIESHIP. EPSTEIN FURTHER COMMENTED, “MOST AMERICANS CAN’T EVEN FIND VENEZUELA ON A FUCKING MAP, MY FRIEND . . .”

THE NEW DREAM #48:

I’m watching a movie about an American public school teacher in the 1990s

It’s almost entirely in real time

523 minutes

Of this woman straight out of college

First day in class

And she’s deluged with names

There’s, like, four hundred different kids named Jon, John, Jonathon, Johnny, John-Boy

And seven or eight hundred Catherines, Cates, Katies, Kats

Twenty-seven hundred or so Steves, Stevies, Stephens, Stefans

Three hundred Stephanies

Only one Craig, intriguingly

And about six hundred Jens, Jennys, Jennifers

Basically

Teacher lady’s struggling to remember which kid goes by which name

Of course, the little bastards start swapping names around

Teacher lady’s self control is remarkable

She’s got an iron will

Never takes the bait

I was pulling my fucking hair out

But teacher lady soldiers on to the final bell

By the end of the day she’s created new names for all those noxious little gremlins

From a new language

And she has organized them into various efficient teams

Each assigned a specialized set of tasks

One group manufactures ammunition

Another is developing an array of designer viruses

The artsy children are designing logos and propaganda posters

The computer nerds are busy hacking into the Pentagon and the White House

The science dorks are working on converting the assembly hall into an atomic pile

The model U.N. kids have been retasked to draft articles defining the parameters of an aborning breakaway republic

The little jocks are on maneuvers 

Everything’s coming together in magnificent fashion

When the final bell rings

And it’s off to the buses, you little monsters, you’ll be back to conquering the world tomorrow morning bright and early

Jump cut to later that evening: teacher lady on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Letterman

Roll credits

Now, the version of this movie I watched was actually the special collector’s edition Blu-Ray release

I don’t remember if it was on Criterion

But it had two alternate endings as special features

One is a tragic ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Leno-total bummer, right

The other is an ambiguous head scratcher ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Serious Political Commentary Grodin-really made me think about things

Overall, I give it a 7 out of 10

I was tempted to go 8 out of 10, but I was always a Tom Snyder fan, so I docked it a point

SIMPLE PLEASURES #18:

Interrupting myself with infuriating ad breaks while going about my day as though I were a YouTube video made flesh.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 83

THE NEW SIGNAGE #28:

NOTHING BUT A METAPHORICAL ALL-U-CAN-EAT COUNTRY BUFFET NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #85:

Here’s a low stress prompt. Draw the first image that pops into someone else’s mind. You don’t even have to think about this one.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #216:

NEW POLITICAL SCIENCE RESEARCH STRONGLY INDICATES THAT MOST SWING VOTERS ARE WHIMSICAL HOBOS WHO DRUNKENLY LOSE PATIENCE WITH EITHER POLITICAL PARTY WHEN IT INEVITABLY FAILS TO DELIVER THEM TO THE SUMMIT OF BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN . . . AN EXPERIMENTAL ORBITAL WEAPON MISFIRED OVER THE WEEKEND TOTALLY INCINERATING THE AUSTIN COMEDY SCENE. AN OPEN MIC PERFORMER WHO WAS AN EYEWITNESS TO THE EVENT CLAIMED, “DUDE, IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT SCENE FROM AKIRA. IT WAS SICK AS FUCK. WOULD TOTALLY DO IT AGAIN!” . . . A RECENT INVESTIGATION BY AUTHORITIES FOUND AN UPSURGE IN ILLEGAL DOWNLOADS OF POPULAR MUSIC BY ARTISTS SUCH AS LADY GAGA, BLACKPINK, GREEN DAY, BAD BUNNY, POST MALONE, DOJA CAT, AND TRAVIS SCOTT IS LIKELY ATTRIBUTABLE TO A SIZEABLE POPULATION OF DISGRUNTLED COACHELLA ATTENDEES REALIZING THEY CAN JUST DOWNLOAD THE SHIT OFF THE INTERNET FOR FREE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #22:

Chainsaw Man’s Makima vs. George Smiley from those John le Carre novels.

My guess is that Smiley keeps his cool.

But then again, Makima can be very persuasive . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #215:

CUOMO-DROID MODEL TO BE DISCONTINUED AFTER NYC MAYORAL DEFEAT.

F.A.Q. #23:

Q: Headphones or earbuds?

A: I’m wearing earbuds under the headphones.

Ye must always seek to peer beneath the surface of things!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 82

THE NEW SIGNAGE #27:

NOTHING BUT MONDAYS NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THINGS NEVER SAID #48:

“Girl, I’m in my Starbucks Basic Psychotic Break with Reality Era!”