THINGS NEVER SAID #50:

“Big Dawg, my son, all of these cat-themed coffee shops will eventually be yours. But beware! Take care! This career path seems like a dream, but it can just as well become a snake in the grass. Being a canine manager of a chain of feline coffee shops can easily start to feel like you’re on a hamster wheel. You’re running and running and running without truly moving. You’ve no hands to catch the bird of hope. Indeed, you resent that avian couple mating in the bush. And, before you know it, a pandemic strikes or a Presidential Psychopath tariffs the economy into a death spiral, and there you go . . . walking the path of the dodo . . . shitting as you amble . . . like a damn horse . . . As for me, I always dreamed of becoming a panda. But I don’t want to pressure you. Live your own dreams! Perhaps you, too, aspire to become a panda. But maybe you miss the mark slightly and end up as a polar bear. I’ll still love you no matter what! Just don’t get all computer generated and start drinking cyber-Coke out of a virtual bottle. If you do, I’ll reject you faster than a skunk in a hen house!”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 91

 

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #18:

Instead of reading ten volumes of one manga title, read ten different titles but do them in order of the number printed on the bookspines and/or covers, and treat this jumble as though it is a proper story. Try to summarize it to another person as though it all makes perfect sense.

Alternatively, you can do the same thing with a bunch of mismatched North American comic books-maybe a dollar bin haul could be used as the source for this.

And if you’re feeling really frisky you could mix the manga and the comic books together.

Example:

Instead of reading ten consecutive volumes of One Piece or Chainsaw Man or Kaiju No. 8, read Vol. 1 of Dragon Goes House Hunting, Vol. 2 of Getter Robo Devolution, Vol. 3 of Kowloon Generic Romance, Vol. 4 of Go Go Loser Ranger, Vol. 5 of Astro Boy, Vol. 6 of Fist of the North Star, Vol. 7 of Hunter x Hunter, Vol. 8 of Osamu Tezuka’s Phoenix, Vol. 9 of Sanctuary, and Vol. 10 of Berserk. Pretend it all makes sense, and then describe it to someone as though it is all totally comprehensible.

PLACES YOU CAN GO #2:

Once you reach the top of Freytag’s Pyramid and save the cat, you can slide down the Falling Action into the Catastrophe, and if you go down even farther you’ll soon enough reach the Uncanny Valley where the robots have already written you out of the story.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #28:

Ishtar Redux 

People’s minds’ll be blown when they see the newly unearthed “French Plantation Scene” . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #227:

WELCOME, HEPCATS, TO THE HEADLINES: “WE DO NOT APPROVE OF ANY DANCING.” TRUMP’S POLLING AMONG PRIMITIVE BAPTISTS AT AN ALL TIME LOW . . . HOLLOWED OUT PARODY OF A MAN LABELLED AS ‘MARCO RUBIO’ SIGHTED IN SQUALID CORNER OF MAR-A-LAGO MUMBLING LIES AND EVASIONS TO HIMSELF AS PRACTICE FOR WHEN HE IS REQUIRED TO MUMBLE LIES AND EVASIONS TO JOURNALISTS ON BEHALF OF HIS TRUE MASTER . . . I.C.E. DEATH SQUAD’S MEN’S CHOIR TO PERFORM AT KENNEDY CENTER . . . TRUMP’S RAGGED VOICE AND INABILITY TO STAY AWAKE DURING PUBLIC EVENTS HAS LED MANY TO ASK IF BUBBA’S BACK ON THE SCENE KEEPING THE PRESIDENT UP ALL NIGHT . . . “IT’S KIND OF A CLOUD V. SEPHIROTH THING, ISN’T IT?” HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN CONFIDENT THAT HE’S THE REALITY AND EX-BESTIE TRUMP IS BUT A DREAM . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #91:

The studio backed glass mastered DVD that insists on a CD-style jewel case in order to evoke “DVD-R vibes.”

ZONE OF ENEMY #4: PRODUCTS MAN

He’s hiding behind the products on the shelves.

He calls you mean names when you purchase the cheaper generics.

He’s there, inside your house, constantly reminding you that the things you buy will soon enough be consumed.

He’s constantly mocking you for not having a strong enough personal brand identity.

He nonstop shits on you when you start taking an interest in politics or climate change or the arts.

He’s in your backseat reading off the total miles you’ve put on your car, and then he’s asking if you hear that weird noise your engine’s making.

He catches you reading a book, asks why you aren’t on your grind, or at the very least why aren’t you reading a book on day trading or cultivating hustle mentality by a modern re-interpretation of the Stoics.

He’s cheering you on as you contemplate dropping six figures to win a mint-in-box Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Technodrome Playset from an online auction.

He’s whispering in your ear about how everyone wants to rob your shit, and how you need a gun and a fully automated surveillance apparatus and a dozen ex-Special Forces operators on staff and you better start praying to a newer, tougher god who only throws lightning bolts in your fuckin’ name and how you probably need to install a private prison facility in your basement and you really oughta take more seriously the concept of individual atomics as a proper expression of personal autonomy.

He’s shocked when you’re fed up with his bullshit, and you slap him around, and force him into becoming a goofy, decorative lawn scarecrow for a couple months around Halloween.

He’s off on a Goop-a-like branded luxury existence kick which you think sucks and is boring but you do have some fun trying to make that weird egg-shaped thing fit someplace.

He’s really getting into philosophy by offering Monetary Stoicism courses online which ends up being about as tedious as it sounds but you figure you’ll loosen that leash a bit, let him get it out of his system.

He asks you one day if there’s anything more to this life and you laugh in his face and then suddenly you’re yelling and angry and you even break some shit which gets you even more yelling and angry and then he backs down, apologizes, and everything is (NOT) all right. So it’s fine.

He’s horrified to find himself in the shape of a novelty birthday cake and it’s not even your birthday but actually every day is your birthday now and you’re nonstop winning all those online auctions for all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures, playsets, autographed comic books, camera ready props’n’costumes from the live action movie versions, you’re even able to hire one of the aging, underemployed actors to record your voicemail greeting so they can afford that coronary bypass they’ve been putting off-you’re such an angel!

He tries to make it right at the last minute by gently suggesting you enjoy the things you already have instead of obsessively accumulating more shit that you scarcely have time to take out of the shipping boxes let alone fully appreciate.

He cowers in the corner of your totally trashed hoarder's mansion as you yell and spit and foam and beat him with a belt for giving you your ultimate, inescapable purpose in this life.

He wonders why he ever existed in the first place.

He’s appalled to find himself staring back at you when you look into the mirror.

He’s trapped behind a shattered mirror even as police and emergency rescue personnel breach the front doors to investigate a gunshot and a terrible smell coming from within the paradoxically cluttered yet orderly depths.

He’s strangely accepting of the firestorm that destroys the cracked mirror, himself, and all trace of the long abandoned hoarder’s mansion-didn’t he get on your ass about wasting time watching all that climate stuff on TV . . . what was that all about, eh?

He’s Products Man.

He’s gone.

He’s back again.

He’s out there.

He’s in you.

He’ll outlive you.

He’ll die before his time.

He is reborn.

He’ll hate you when they figure out how to mass produce you.

He’ll grudgingly admit you’re more of a Products Man than he ever was at his best.

He’ll get over it.

He tries all kinds of weird side projects.

He’s always back in his proper place.

He never really wanted to do anything else with his life . . . except when things get bad.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 90

PLACES YOU CAN GO #1:

There's a warehouse stacked floor-to-ceiling with books that feature cover/jacket/page blurbs from Neil Gaiman. 

So, if you were wondering where all of those things went . . .

AGENT CORNWELL WAS HITTING THAT SKIBIDI 6-7 ACTION CIRCA 2019 . . .

 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #27:

 John Carpenter’s The Carpenter

Starring Sabrina Carpenter

Featuring music by the Carpenters

It’ll clear a billion opening weekend.

Easy money!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #226:

GANGSTER NEWS UPDATES: TRUMP MAFIA TO EXPAND ITS DOMINION TO INCLUDE VENEZUELAN OIL RESERVES . . . XI MOB EXPECTED TO INCORPORATE TAIWAN . . . PUTIN HOODLUMS STILL LEANING ON UKRAINE . . . THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL COMMENTARY IS FROM NONE OTHER THAN THE GHOST OF AL CAPONE. WE MUST PROVIDE A WARNING FOR AUDIO SENSITIVE LISTENERS AS CAPONE COMMUNICATES VIA A PIERCINGLY INTENSE WAIL GENERATED BY HIS ETERNAL GRAVEBOUND SPINNING MOTION . . .

F.A.Q. #26:

Q: Who is your favorite comic book superhero?

A: The early iterations of the Incredible Hulk. He was weird and angry and all over the map. He fought the Communists, he fought the U.S. government, he fought superheroes, he fought supervillains, he fought himself, he was all kinds of mad at a world he never made.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #225:

TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISHING RESEARCH FUNDING FOR TREATMENT AND PREVENTION OF MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME.