SIMPLE PLEASURES #13:

Reading a 1990s Shadowrun novel while listening to the Shadowrun SNES OST.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #36:

Trump sure is determined to nag and browbeat people into believing that he was never close friends with Epstein . . .

MANDATORY RULE #16:

All TV shows-whether they be scripted or unscripted, fictional or non-fictional-must include an episode dealing with a plant monster of some kind.

Huge, elaborate creatures incorporating animatronics, puppetry, and pyrotechnics are encouraged, but an actor in a cheap monster suit is minimally acceptable if that’s all a given production can afford.

This I command!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #72:

Clipped coupons in revolt.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #177:

“MAYBE DONALD COULD PLAY SHUFFLE BALL OR SOMETHING. MAYBE BINGO.” GOLF DISTANCES ITSELF FROM EPSTEIN BESTIE TRUMP AS THE POPULAR SPORT’S REPUTATION SUFFERS BY ASSOCIATION WITH THE CORRUPTION, CRIMINALITY, AND INCOMPETENCE OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

THINGS NEVER SAID #44:

“Most people have a bowel movement. I launch a squelchy blast of logs. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but . . . my way is clearly superior.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #176:

NEW POLLING INDICATES GROWING NOSTALGIA FOR A PAST ERA IN WHICH IT WAS OKAY TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #35:

It’s hard to do things. With stuff. On account of the effort involved.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #175:

UPTICK IN BILLIONAIRE-ON-BILLIONAIRE VIOLENCE AS SOUTH PARK SATIRIZES EPSTEIN INTIMATE TRUMP.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 68

 

SPECULATIVE WEAPONS DIVISION #1:

LOW-BUDGET DRACULA METAMORPHOSIS BEAM

When you zap the enemy with this person-portable raygun your target will immediately transform into a low-budget Dracula in a poor quality seasonal pop-up store costume complete with pancake makeup and unconvincing fangs.

Once the target has been Dracula-ized you may then splash them with tap water which they will conveniently believe to be holy water. Puffs of magician smoke will be released from gags pre-positioned inside their costume, and they will writhe and howl and generally overact as though being burned by blessed fluids as per popular vampire lore. At some point, they will fall on their back, at which juncture you may drive a stake through their heart. 

Once staked, your Dracula-ized target will spurt red corn syrup from their wound, and then crumble to dust in a creative, if not entirely convincing, special effects sequence mostly accomplished through edits but the last bit with the fanged vampire skull rapidly disintegrating into bone dust is somewhat memorable.

If you have completely run out of conventional munitions and bayonets then Low-Budget Dracula Metamorphosis Beam may offer an acceptable solution to your emergent combat needs.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #174:

NEW POLLING INDICATES WAVE OF NOSTALGIA FOR LETTERMAN’S 1990s ERA BUTTAFUOCO JOKES.

F.A.Q. #17:

Q: What is your favorite martial arts movie?

A: Beach of the War Gods.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #71:

A true friend in the depths of Hell.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#7)

. . . for failing the stealth mission. Those mobs of adoring fans are, like, totally emergent. I keep telling ‘em to stay home when I’m out on a sneak-a-deak, but they can’t help themselves. And it’s not their fault. I’ve struggled for years with being diagnosed as irresistible. ‘Tis a cruel fate.