THE NEW DREAM #13:

"When things get boring, just send in the man with the flamethrower. I learned this whilst filming Golf Father VI: Mission to Jackhoffsville. This was a straightforward Midlife Crisis-sploitation flick about a paunchy forty-something who golfs his way into the heart of a younger woman. I made fifteen movies of this sort over a six month period when I was in desperate need of alcohol money during the economic downturn. Golf Father VI was indeed the fifteenth of that sequence-the end of the cycle, if you like, and, I flatter myself to think this at any rate, this was my conceptual breakthrough. The paradigm shift you could say. During the pivotal moment where my middle-aged horndog bursts into the bar during Maid Cafe Fetish Night and proposes to his collegiate cutie, I thought, 'What if, instead of pandering to our demographic of creepazoids, we actually did something boldly refreshing and had a guy with a flamethrower come on the scene and set me on fire?' Of course, the director was opposed, but I won him over by throwing him against a brick wall fifty-seven hundred times. I had been gearing up something fierce in those days, so it was zero biggie. Once I had converted the reluctant director into various stains, my Roid Mind received a direct transmission from Hell that my script changes were approved, and to bring on the flamethrowers. Admittedly, both audiences and critics were confused by what was, to all appearances, a complete non sequitur. Also, it should be noted that, due to the haste with which I implemented the new paradigm, the flamethrowing was rather indiscriminate, resulting in, well, the entire cast being glazed with sticky jelly fire. We all burned to death, went to Hell, and when we all came back from the dead, we realized that as cool as that last blazing scene was, it sorta came late in the proceedings. If you're going to have the flamethrower action you may as well lead with it. My idea was that I would keep up with my super-geared persona, and we would unleash hell on the green, so we could have burning golf carts zipping around, y'know, have that visual interest and such. Well, that went down like gangbusters. Sure, the critics called me out as old hat, but you have to empathize with those folks, their job is to see every damn thing that gets shoveled into the omniplex-I don't hate on the critics at all. Not a bit. But we went over well with the regular audiences, who were already in the depths of a pyromania craze. We caught that action off of one of the reality shows-House Fire Season 56-which started out as metaphorical, y'know, with 'fire' being, like, 'drama,' but as it happened one of the housemates was an actual firebug in addition to being an actual drama queen, and so the tone was set for the nation. But I swear to you that my own conceptual breakthrough really was independent innovation. I cut the cord years ago, no disrespect to those hard working Reality TV folks, I was just much more into the gear life which gave me that Roid Mind which has carried me so far up 'til now, you see."