Big Brother is watching . . . but does he understand what he sees? What’s his level of media literacy? When was he last subjected to a certification ordeal? Is there, indeed, an all-seeing eye at the heart of the Tootsie Roll Pop, or a mere roach turd? Where’s a scholarly cartoon owl when you really need one?
Monday, June 30, 2025
Sunday, June 29, 2025
MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #6:
“This Heat Dome is a killer. How’re we supposed to cool off?”
“Hmmm . . . we’re in it, aren’t we?”
“Christ . . . we should just move inside a freezer.”
“Hmmm . . . we could do that . . .”
“Too bad we’re completely busted.”
“ . . . livin’ in a freezer . . . even if we could afford it . . . we’d be bored after awhile . . .”
“Being bored beats spontaneously combusting.”
“ . . . a fair point . . . but shouldn’t life be about . . . I dunno . . . having fun . . .”
“Some go crazy from the heat.”
“ . . . yeah . . .”
“They make it work for them.”
“ . . . sure . . .”
“Promise me something.”
“. . . hmm . . .”
“If I spontaneously combust . . . make sure you get a video of it.”
“ . . . “
“And you post it online. For all to see. That’ll be my legacy.”
“ . . . “
“You hear me?”
“ . . . yeah . . .”
“Okay, then.”
“ . . . no . . . “
“What’s that?”
“No . . . I don’t think I’ll take that video . . .”
“What? Why not?”
“You . . . are mired in pessimism . . . that’s what you are . . .”
“Excuse me?”
“And you’re snippy from the heat . . . “
“I’m snippy?! What do you-”
“You’re not gonna spontaneously combust.”
“How do you know?!”
“I know because I know where we can go to cool off.”
“Oh yeah? And where’s that?”
“Pack your shit. We’re going back.”
“Going back where?!”
“Back to Hell.”
“Back to-what?! You can’t be serious!”
“You want to cool off or what?”
“Oh, great . . .”
“Down in Hell . . . we’ll beat this lousy Heat Dome . . .”
1.Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai (Star Tropics NES OST)
2. Jungle Work/Warren Zevon
3. Briefing Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)
4. Mission 01 Jungle Base/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)
5. Mini Boss Babalu Defense Mechanism/Hidenori Maezawa and Yuichi Sakakura (Super C NES OST)
6. Cutscene Theme 01/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
7. Stage Theme/Toru Hasabe and Minky Motoyama (Rambo NES OST)
8. Boss Battle/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)
9. Title Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)
10. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SNES OST)
11. Napalm Man Stage/Mari Yamaguchi (Mega Man 5 NES OST)
12. Sharp Dressed Man/ZZ Top
13. Desert Planet/Njal Pettersen (Super Star Path OST)
14. Smart Patrol+Mr. DNA/Devo
15. Heat Man Stage/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)
16. Boss Theme Corneria and Meteor/Hajime Hirasawa (Starfox SNES OST)
17. Debbie (U-Tern Instrumental Remix)/ Architecture in Helsinki remixed by U-Tern
18. Battle B2/Ryota Kazuka (Shin Megami Tensei IV OST)
19. Get New Weapon/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)
20. Title Theme/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
21. Carson City/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
22. Boss/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
23. Cave and Dungeon Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)
24. Cutscene Theme 02/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
25. Comfort Eagle/Cake
26. More, More, More/Andrea True Connection
27. Steal My Sunshine/Len
28. Circus (Klungo Remix)/Britney Spears
29. Cutscene Theme 03/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
30. Final Fight (Part One)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
31. Destroy Everything You Touch/Ladytron
32. Final Fight (Part Two)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)
33. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SEGA CD OST)
34. Stayin’ Alive (Vaporwave)/Bee Gees
35. Cutscene Theme 04/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
36. Nighttime in the Switching Yard/Warren Zevon
37. Kraken of the Sea/Keiichi Suzuki and Hirokazu Tanaka (EarthBound SNES OST)
38. Where There’s A Whip There’s A Way! (Orc’s Song) /Glenn Yarbrough and Maury Laws (Rankin-Bass’s Return of the King OST)
39. Accretion Disc/Hayato Matsuo (Ogre Battle SNES OST)
40. Battle/Michael Nyman (Enemy Zero OST)
41. “I Love the Sound of Structured Class”/The Paranoid Style
42. I’m Coming Back/The Human League
43. Wily Machine/Yu Shimoda (Mega Man 9 OST)
44. Kagayaku Ouja Dolgiran/Harry Kimura (Space Sheriff Gavan OST)
45. Dungeon Theme (MinjoJinjo Remix)/Yoshio Hirai remixed by MinjoJinjo (Startropics NES OST)
46. Full Moon/2 Tite (Murder Party OST)
47. Darkside/Crazy Town
48. Cave Theme/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
49. Don’t Worry If There’s Hell Below We’re All Gonna Go/Curtis Mayfield
50. Cave Theme 02/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
51. Hell/Squirrel Nut Zippers
52. Cave Theme 03/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
53. The Number of the Beast/Iron Maiden
54. Cave Theme 04/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
55. Hell is For Children/Pat Benatar
56. Cave Theme 05/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
57. Hell/James Brown
58. Cave Theme 06/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
59. Destroying Anything/Negativland
60. Cave Theme 07/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
61. Two Minutes to Midnight/Iron Maiden
62. Cave Theme 08/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)
63. My Thang/James Brown
64. Cutscene Theme 05/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)
65. The Astral Plane/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)
66. Mirror Man/The Human League
67. Sheltem’s Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)
68. Mystery’s Apotheosis/Fabio Frizzi (City of the Living Dead OST)
69. Star Tropics Dungeon/Cave Theme on Violin and Keyboard/Animalisa Keys cover version of Yoshio Hirai’s composition (Audio from YouTube video uploaded by Animalisa Keys)
. . . back from Hell . . . crackling with arcane power gained from defeating armies of devils and demons and angels . . . you plot your next set of conquests . . . you picture the fall of all the major cities and military installations . . . your desire is endless . . . your ambition Olympian-
-a weight comes upon your foot.
You look down.
A brindle pitbull sits at attention on top of your foot, looking up into your eyes, its whole body vibrating with the anticipation of pets and scratchies.
“Go on,” you say, “I’ve got a world to conquer, mutt, so you move on off my foot.”
“Brrwoowoo!” says the dog.
“I’m sure you’re a good dog. But I’m not here to make friends with you. I’m . . . I gotta . . . uh . . . I mean . . .”
It’s the damnedest thing.
Just a moment ago . . . you were sure you had something important to do.
But now . . .
You kneel down to knead the pitbull’s flank. It jumps up on you, licks your face, and now all you know is this dog and all the walkies, pets, and scratchies you’re gonna give it.
And treats! Don’t forget the treats!
Deep inside your brain . . . something howls . . . but it’s nothing important . . .
Right now the dog is your Everything.
SIDE OVER.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
Saturday, June 28, 2025
THE NEW DREAM #44:
-n the New Dream I’m the President
I kinda always suspected that
I didn’t have any proof, though, so
I’m in this impressively art directed command and control center
-it’s very Ken Adam-
deep underground
IMAX sized telescreens giving me total perspective on globally scaled fucknesses
wars, climate catastrophe, storms, earthquakes, volcanoes, plagues, famines, network cop shows, alien autopsies, edited for television versions of R-rated movies
I’m trying to maintain a stoic mask of authority
but every time they say fairy godmother in the censored version of Reservoir Dogs
well
I’m waging a one-man War-On-All-Of-The-Tears, ain’t I
a general approaches
“Mr. President.”
I say, “You rang?”
“Mr. President. The situation is critical. We’re beyond Dialectics. We’re well past Quixote. We’re at Multicart. You must give the order, Mr. President!”
I nod grimly. I put some steel into my voice as I say, ”Unleash Fraternity, Liberty, Equality.”
-hard cut to me standing in the unemployment line.
I have only myself to blame.
Nobody elected me to establish Paradise on Earth. That would be driving a stake into the heart of the Protestant Grind Ethic. Which would result in Final Relaxation. Can’t have that.
-hard cut to me standing tall amidst the fires of Climate Inferno.
My meats alchemize into piercingly bright diamond hard surfaces.
A giant mechanical claw grabs me, installs me in the back of the throat of a titanic robot dragon.
The robot dragon is offered at a reasonable price point for the adult collector’s market at all major retailers.
I can’t complain.
Literally-
F.A.Q. #15:
Q: What is your favorite horror movie?
A: If you’re forcing me to pick just one, then I guess I would choose The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original from 1974. I like it because the killers in it have what you could call a “perverse conservation ethic” which is ironically contrasted against a lawful normie society that runs on an unsustainable consumer system of factory farms, fossil fuels, militarism, and a corrupt and incompetent police state. Leatherface even seems to conserve the souls of his victims by wearing their skins. So, as horrible as they are, Leatherface and his kin do have a system of values that challenges the normie world they are fundamentally at war with . . . and that’s interesting to me. Because the movie didn’t necessarily have to apply itself to such an extent. But it did. And I appreciate that level of effort. I really do.
THE NEW OBVIOUS #32:
If you have nuclear weapons . . . and there is someone in your neighborhood who doesn’t have nuclear weapons but wants to get some . . . and then you-who has nuclear weapons-tries to tell your neighbor that they are not allowed to have nuclear weapons . . . well . . . you-the one with nuclear weapons-have a major credibility issue when trying to boss your neighbor around.
Something to keep in mind.
Friday, June 27, 2025
DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#6)
. . . for drinking Snapple. Rush Limbaugh told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #171:
“GET IT AWAY FROM ME. GET IT OUT OF MY FACE. I DON’T WANT IT.” TRASH CAN REFUSES TO ACCEPT HEGSETH DUE TO “EXTREME SQUICK RESPONSE” TRIGGERED BY THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE’S DISPLAYS OF “EGREGIOUS INCOMPETENCE AND DISHONESTY.”
Thursday, June 26, 2025
Wednesday, June 25, 2025
. . . TWO WORDS . . .
. . . SIGH OPS . . .
. . . this is when government propaganda gets, like, super passive aggressive.
Uncle Sam isn’t pointing at you with a penetrating glower. He’s walking away from you while throwing a sad glance over his shoulder. He’s just leaving the decision up to you. That’s freedom, right?
Lady Liberty’s holding her torch sideways, arms folded, yawning, tapping her foot, and rolling her eyes. She got all dressed up for this, but that’s fine. Have fun doing what you’re doing.
Lincoln’s slouched down in that big chair, scratching his balls, while watching sports at maximum volume on his mobile device, no discernible emotion on his face. No outbursts of frustration or exultation. Just some farts here and there.
The flags all keep flying themselves sideways. Not upside down, just sideways. That’s all. Just something for you to think about.
Honestly, you would rather they just send the goon squad after you than put up with this bullshit.
Tuesday, June 24, 2025
Monday, June 23, 2025
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #170:
“NOT IN MY NAME, SLIMEBALL!” GOD-PREVIOUSLY NOTABLE FOR HIS NONEXISTENCE-COMES INTO BEING TO DENOUNCE SALES OF TRUMP BRANDED BIBLES.
Sunday, June 22, 2025
Saturday, June 21, 2025
FUN YOU CAN HAVE #12:
If you’ve been engaged in pure, unadulterated avarice aided and abetted by a corrupt government that’s in your pocket, then why not dress down, take a walk on the wild side, and try some of that street level not-so-pure, adulterated avarice. It might get good to you.
Friday, June 20, 2025
MANDATORY RULE #15:
All video games must play the audio of the guy saying, “Resident Evil,” in a creepy voice whenever you start.
This I command!
Thursday, June 19, 2025
Wednesday, June 18, 2025
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #169:
COMMENTARY: POLITICAL TURMOIL OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR THIRD PARTY KEN BONE/RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH-GUY PRESIDENTIAL TICKET.
Tuesday, June 17, 2025
FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #8:
“Gavan Dynamic!”
+
Death Star ’77 explosion
=
A very good time in the Enchanted Land of Mashups
Monday, June 16, 2025
THINGS NEVER SAID #43:
“It’s always best to rub banana pudding all over a crashing economy. This won’t fix the economy, but it will provide you with an activity to distract you from disastrous circumstances. Never get caught without activities of some kind to hand.”
Sunday, June 15, 2025
Saturday, June 14, 2025
THE NEW OBVIOUS #30:
It’s too bad you can’t recycle a king. Too many toxic components. You’ll just have to settle for tossing him into the landfill next to the vast panorama of billions of burst diapers, a legion of blue Chevettes with permanently stuck driver’s side doors, vistas of coverless paperbacks of Trump: The Art of the Deal, and a mountain range of a trillion plastic water bottles. It’s how it goes.
In any case, the king’ll have plenty of activities to keep him busy.
The king can order up an army of plastic bottles to conquer the Chevettes.
The king can bestow special honors and ranks upon the best and brightest of the burst diapers.
The king can schedule a private screening of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis or Kevin Feige’s The Marvels or Warner’s Joker: Folie a Deux.
And when that Climate Inferno heat dome manifests, the king can host a spontaneous human combustion themed performing arts festival by booking scores of unemployed theatre and studio art majors as the talent.
Pity not the king in his landfill.
He’s having a thoroughly okay time of it.
THE NEW SIGNAGE #17:
SPEED UP. AMBIENT EXISTENTIAL DREAD NEXT 10,000 MILES. FINES DOUBLED FOR ANY HINT OF RELAXATION.
Friday, June 13, 2025
Thursday, June 12, 2025
Wednesday, June 11, 2025
DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#5)
. . . for drinking Snapple. Howard Stern told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?
Tuesday, June 10, 2025
SIMPLE PLEASURES #12:
Taking time to appreciate the canine who accepts you uncritically for who you are no matter how many of your fellow humans despise you to the point of seeking your complete and total destruction.
Monday, June 9, 2025
Sunday, June 8, 2025
Saturday, June 7, 2025
THE NEW OBVIOUS #29:
You don’t want drug addict Nazi tech bros in your government.
Would you let such people into your house?
No.
You wouldn’t.
Not the people you want to associate with at all.
Friday, June 6, 2025
FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #7:
A
remake
of Eat, Pray, Love
written/directed by
and starring
Mola Ram
the heart-ripping villain from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
because that guy seems to be living his best life
with joy and abandon
and I want to know his secret
or
at the least
a few hints and tips
maybe even a life hack or two
you know?
Thursday, June 5, 2025
Wednesday, June 4, 2025
Tuesday, June 3, 2025
THE NEW SIGNAGE #16:
CAUTION: GHOSTS OF SPLATTERED ARMADILLOS MAY TRY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE FOR NEXT 10,000 MILES.
Monday, June 2, 2025
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #167:
PROJECT 2025 SET TO REPLACE THE NECRONOMICON AS OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE DEATH CULT OF CTHULHU.
Sunday, June 1, 2025
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