F.A.Q. #15:

Q: What is your favorite horror movie?

A: If you’re forcing me to pick just one, then I guess I would choose The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original from 1974. I like it because the killers in it have what you could call a “perverse conservation ethic” which is ironically contrasted against a lawful normie society that runs on an unsustainable consumer system of factory farms, fossil fuels, militarism, and a corrupt and incompetent police state. Leatherface even seems to conserve the souls of his victims by wearing their skins. So, as horrible as they are, Leatherface and his kin do have a system of values that challenges the normie world they are fundamentally at war with . . . and that’s interesting to me. Because the movie didn’t necessarily have to apply itself to such an extent. But it did. And I appreciate that level of effort. I really do.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #32:

If you have nuclear weapons . . . and there is someone in your neighborhood who doesn’t have nuclear weapons but wants to get some . . . and then you-who has nuclear weapons-tries to tell your neighbor that they are not allowed to have nuclear weapons . . . well . . . you-the one with nuclear weapons-have a major credibility issue when trying to boss your neighbor around. 

Something to keep in mind.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#6)

. . . for drinking Snapple. Rush Limbaugh told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #171:

“GET IT AWAY FROM ME. GET IT OUT OF MY FACE. I DON’T WANT IT.” TRASH CAN REFUSES TO ACCEPT HEGSETH DUE TO “EXTREME SQUICK RESPONSE” TRIGGERED BY THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE’S DISPLAYS OF “EGREGIOUS INCOMPETENCE AND DISHONESTY.”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 64

 

. . . TWO WORDS . . .

 . . . SIGH OPS . . .

. . . this is when government propaganda gets, like, super passive aggressive. 

Uncle Sam isn’t pointing at you with a penetrating glower. He’s walking away from you while throwing a sad glance over his shoulder. He’s just leaving the decision up to you. That’s freedom, right?

Lady Liberty’s holding her torch sideways, arms folded, yawning, tapping her foot, and rolling her eyes. She got all dressed up for this, but that’s fine. Have fun doing what you’re doing.

Lincoln’s slouched down in that big chair, scratching his balls, while watching sports at maximum volume on his mobile device, no discernible emotion on his face. No outbursts of frustration or exultation. Just some farts here and there.  

The flags all keep flying themselves sideways. Not upside down, just sideways. That’s all. Just something for you to think about.

Honestly, you would rather they just send the goon squad after you than put up with this bullshit.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #9:

What’s Michael?

vs.

Toonces the Driving Cat

you know you want it . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #170:

“NOT IN MY NAME, SLIMEBALL!” GOD-PREVIOUSLY NOTABLE FOR HIS NONEXISTENCE-COMES INTO BEING TO DENOUNCE SALES OF TRUMP BRANDED BIBLES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #31:

If you drop bombs on a country you are, in fact, bombing that country.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #67:

Regrets and recriminations of the post-church service parking lot.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #12:

If you’ve been engaged in pure, unadulterated avarice aided and abetted by a corrupt government that’s in your pocket, then why not dress down, take a walk on the wild side, and try some of that street level not-so-pure, adulterated avarice. It might get good to you.

MANDATORY RULE #15:

All video games must play the audio of the guy saying, “Resident Evil,” in a creepy voice whenever you start.

This I command!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 63

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #169:

COMMENTARY: POLITICAL TURMOIL OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR THIRD PARTY KEN BONE/RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH-GUY PRESIDENTIAL TICKET.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #8:

“Gavan Dynamic!”

+

Death Star ’77 explosion

=

A very good time in the Enchanted Land of Mashups

THINGS NEVER SAID #43:

“It’s always best to rub banana pudding all over a crashing economy. This won’t fix the economy, but it will provide you with an activity to distract you from disastrous circumstances. Never get caught without activities of some kind to hand.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #66:

Love seat patents from the Age of Chastity.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #30:

It’s too bad you can’t recycle a king. Too many toxic components. You’ll just have to settle for tossing him into the landfill next to the vast panorama of billions of burst diapers, a legion of blue Chevettes with permanently stuck driver’s side doors, vistas of coverless paperbacks of Trump: The Art of the Deal, and a mountain range of a trillion plastic water bottles. It’s how it goes. 

In any case, the king’ll have plenty of activities to keep him busy.

The king can order up an army of plastic bottles to conquer the Chevettes. 

The king can bestow special honors and ranks upon the best and brightest of the burst diapers.

The king can schedule a private screening of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis or Kevin Feige’s The Marvels or Warner’s Joker: Folie a Deux.

And when that Climate Inferno heat dome manifests, the king can host a spontaneous human combustion themed performing arts festival by booking scores of unemployed theatre and studio art majors as the talent.

Pity not the king in his landfill.

He’s having a thoroughly okay time of it.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #17:

SPEED UP. AMBIENT EXISTENTIAL DREAD NEXT 10,000 MILES. FINES DOUBLED FOR ANY HINT OF RELAXATION.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #168:

CELEBRITY CRYPTO SPOKESMAN REBRANDS AS POVERTY PORN COSPLAYER.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 62

 

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#5)

. . . for drinking Snapple. Howard Stern told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?

SIMPLE PLEASURES #12:

Taking time to appreciate the canine who accepts you uncritically for who you are no matter how many of your fellow humans despise you to the point of seeking your complete and total destruction.

THINGS NEVER SAID #42:

“I’m a firm believer that life should be about activities.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #65:

A U.S. President indistinguishable from a career criminal.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #29:

You don’t want drug addict Nazi tech bros in your government.

Would you let such people into your house?

No.

You wouldn’t.

Not the people you want to associate with at all.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #7:

A

remake

of Eat, Pray, Love

written/directed by

and starring

Mola Ram

the heart-ripping villain from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

because that guy seems to be living his best life

with joy and abandon

and I want to know his secret

or

at the least

a few hints and tips

maybe even a life hack or two

you know?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 61

 

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#4)

. . . for the Heat Dome. I’ve been a lifelong Cubist.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #16:

CAUTION: GHOSTS OF SPLATTERED ARMADILLOS MAY TRY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE FOR NEXT 10,000 MILES.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #167:

PROJECT 2025 SET TO REPLACE THE NECRONOMICON AS OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE DEATH CULT OF CTHULHU.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #38:

SAVE PEOPLE SO THEY CAN OPEN SHOPS IN YOUR TOWN AREA.