I confess.
I only watch these stupid computer dinosaur movies for the scenes where people are eaten by the stupid computer dinosaurs.
I know, I know . . . this makes me an irredeemably brilliant and sexy person. I get it. I really do.
But some people on Internet seem to think these stupid computer dinosaur movies are documentary exposes or something. Maybe these are the same people who believe in ancient aliens.
I want to believe in stupid computer dinosaurs in real life. And if they're all gathered together inside a theme park-all the better.
Especially if the theme of that park is "Death by Dinosaur."
Wouldn't it be cool to be eaten by a dinosaur? I think it would. In real life, you'll probably die a long, lingering expensive death in some for profit hospital; or you'll be killed in a car crash; or poisoned by fentanyl; or some asshole with a gun will do you in-no, fuck every last bit of that.
I want to be eaten by a dinosaur.
I especially like the bit where the two huge dinos-T-Rexes?-both bite you, and then pull you apart like a wishbone.
Or you get swarmed by the little skittery bastards.
Getting stomped into guts gruel by an ankylosaurus-that would be the shit.
I wouldn't even mind getting impaled on some triceratops horns. Maybe I'm running from a velociraptor, and I end up impaling myself. Like accidentally.
One of the flying ones could swoop down, pick me up, drop me in the middle of a Republican Dark Money Donors meeting. I could die of disgust to be in the presence of such filth, such corruption.
Oh, I know. One section of the park could be the Charles Bronson section. Bronson shoots you, a squib full of crimson corn syrup goes off, and you slump to the ground with a stupid look on your face. But it has to be interactive. So, I dunno, you key up Bronson's car or shit on his lawn or something.
Maybe Matlock could show up and stab you. Or something. People wouldn't expect that.
You could have Hologram Elvis slip you some bad speed.
And-as a twist-Ronald Reagan threatens to hit you with an all-out nuclear assault . . . but then him and Nancy watch The Day After on TV, and he has a change of heart. It's the power of story.
But, no, my preference would be to get ripped apart by two T-Rexes.
Getting eaten by dinosaurs is awesome.
