Tuesday, December 31, 2024

2024 STAFF ROLL PLAYLIST

Here we go.

It’s usually the best part of these types of games . . .


Ending Theme/Kazuki Muraoka (Metal Gear NES OST)


Staff Roll/Yoshito Hirano (Advance Wars: Dual Strike DS OST)


Secret Rendezvous/Karyn White


In the Afterlife/Bobby Caldwell


Ending & Staff Roll/Jonathan Dunn (The Shadow SNES OST)


The Reverse Will/Akira Yamaoka (Silent Hill 2 OST)


Quincy Harker’s Theme/Seiji Yokoyama (Tomb of Dracula OST)


Forever/Snacks


Take Me to the River/Syl Johnson


In Yer Memory/Takkyu Ishino (Memories OST)


Superstition (live on Sesame Street)/Stevie Wonder


Lawyers, Guns, and Money/Warren Zevon


Isola Delle Rose/Rafael Cancian


Mad Machine/Kinuko Omori (Bubblegum Crisis OST)


Raver Girl/Jordana


Xin Ai (Plastic Love)/Anita Mui


Mr. Dandy/Bluew (Bubblegum Crisis OST)


. . . ugh, these Staff Rolls go on forever!

I skipped it.

And then I read online that you can’t unlock the Secret Best Ending if you skip it.

Like . . . fuck this game . . .

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #82:

I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I have a question for those that do . . .

Why do you people eat gross, flavorless turkey when juicy cheeseburgers, crunchy delicious fried chicken, savory macaroni and cheese, and creamy mashed potatoes are perfectly viable alternatives at all times?

Why punish yourselves with tough, dry bird when you could just eat something that you would actually enjoy?

Thanksgiving and Christmas are already absurd, miserable ordeals unto themselves-I mean, you’re not magically going to start getting along with people you’ve been at war with all your life just because a computer generated polar bear drinks a bottle of Coke . . . but you can choose tasty foods.

I’m just utterly perplexed by the turkey shit.

Why not choose flavor, eh?

I don’t get it.

Thinks.

Wait a minute . . . could it be . . . that if you smoke a pack of Marlboros before you eat the turkey . . . because the Marlboros-they come from Flavor Country, right?

Yeah . . .

I think I just cracked it.

Victory is mine!

Monday, December 30, 2024

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#9)

(squelchsplorksplatchaching)

. . . and then you became a slimy U.S. Congressman well lubed by that Dark Money.

Sunday, December 29, 2024

SOLAR TAKE #6:

These horrible climate change heat waves will no doubt inspire some truly happening dance crazes. 

One of these will no doubt be inspired by these apocalyptic wildfires that burn out of control . . .

“Everybody, Do the Stop-Drop-and-Roll!”

. . . for all the good it’ll do you . . .

. . . yep, everything and everyone’s still burning . . .

. . . alas . . .

Saturday, December 28, 2024

THINGS NEVER SAID #27:

“The life you save may be a rubber chicken filled with nerve gas."

Friday, December 27, 2024

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #136:

WEED CHOKED LOT THAT USED TO BE THE SITE OF AN ELKS LODGE SIXTEEN YEARS AGO REBRANDS AS ILLEGAL DUMPING GROUND.

Wednesday, December 25, 2024

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #45:

A bowl of atheist chicken soup that rolls its eyes at any talk of “soul.”

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

F.A.Q. #4:

Q: If you were given total control over a pop culture franchise, which one would you pick, and what would you do with it?

A: The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. And here’s what I would do with it . . . I would re-release it as a limited edition Blu-Ray box set with one and only one major change: I would re-dub all of the villains to be super R-rated-they would basically end up sounding like the characters in a Rob Zombie or a Quentin Tarantino movie. They’re using all of the words. They’re extremely rude, abusive, mean-spirited, selfish, sadistic and kinda stupid in the end. Everything else would be unchanged. Minimal effort, minimal time, minimal money spent-very much in the Saban Brands tradition. Because I like that the heroic characters are all very corny, very innocent-that works for me. But I’ve always been frustrated that Rita and Zedd and Goldar and Rita’s brother Rito are so edgeless, and so tame-especially when they look so cool, so GWAR, y’know? Although I would keep Zedd’s line about his biscuits being burned-maybe just add some George Carlin words on the front end to spice it up a bit. Yeah. That’s the pop culture intellectual property do-over I’d like to supervise. For sure.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #5:

WELCOME TO FLORIDA, THE POST-LITERACY STATE!

Monday, December 23, 2024

TWO VIEWS OF THE TOWER OF BABEL . . .



 

. . . and you gotta ask yourself, "Was it God or the lowest bidder that reduced it to this?"

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#8)

(slicesliceslice)

. . . and then you became an essential component of a deli sandwich.

Sunday, December 22, 2024

THE NEW OBVIOUS #20:

Bulk and Skull had no business being campus police officers. They pretty much got everything wrong all of the time. The city of Angel Grove was clearly experiencing some sort of systemic crisis in their hiring practices vis-a-vis public safety personnel. Perhaps the constant mayhem occurring due to violent confrontations between self-appointed metamorphic vigilantes and monstrous lunar terrorists scared the high quality job candidates into seeking employment in less volatile cities. Word gets out, you know. And then all you’re left with are bumblers like Bulk and Skull. A sad state of affairs to be sure.

Saturday, December 21, 2024

F.A.Q. #3:

Q: Do you have a favorite movie? What about a Top Ten List? Do you do ranked listings of movies or anything else?

A: I have tried to pick a single all time favorite movie, but I just can’t do it. I’ve dabbled in ranked lists, but those don’t work for me, either. Top 10 or Top 5 or Top 100 lists are completely arbitrary. My list has the same validity as one drawn up by Roger Ebert or anyone else. I also don’t think there’s any validity to End of Year or Year In Review or Year’s Best or Year’s Worst or what have you. What if you do your Best of 2024 List in the last week or two of December but then a month later in late January you change your mind? Are you actually gonna re-do your list? Why? Because you’re a perfectionist? Because it feels good? Because the world must know? If it feels good then proceed, but any other reason is just tedious . . . but having said all of this . . . if you put a gun to my head . . . then I would have no choice but to pick The Deer Hunter as my Number One Favorite because that would be super cute, wouldn’t it?

Friday, December 20, 2024

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #135:

“COME ON, PEOPLE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.” D.B. COOPER JUST ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP ALL HOPE OF EVER BEING FOUND.

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #44:

A yeti politician who constantly rails against the System as being “one big snowjob.”

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

THE NEW SIGNAGE #4:

a duck with a knife in its back followed by another duck

Monday, December 16, 2024

THE NEW DREAM #34:

I know the answers for the Scantron

yet I choose to Christmas Tree it

because

desire minus shame

Sunday, December 15, 2024

Saturday, December 14, 2024

F.A.Q. #2:

Q: Do you believe extraterrestrials have visited earth? Do you believe that the U.S. government is covering up evidence of extraterrestrial visitations and/or crash landings? What do you make of the various UFO whistleblowers who have been in the media spotlight in recent years?

A: No, extraterrestrials have not visited Earth. There is no evidence whatsoever that anything like this has happened. These so-called “whistleblowers” have talked and talked and talked . . . without producing a shred of actual evidence for extraterrestrials or whatever. Talk is talk. Show me the evidence. Make an actual case. And as far as the U.S. government covering up xtro bodies or “biologics” or alien saucers or whatever . . . I just don’t see how that would work. The U.S. government wasn’t able to keep the lid on The Pentagon Papers. Where are The Area 51 Papers? The obvious answer is that there’s no alien corpses or recovered craft or anything of the sort. If there were anything worth leaking it all would’ve leaked back in the late 1990s at the height of The X-Files craze. But I do admire the hustle and grind of these so-called “whistleblowers” who are clearly getting a boost on the conspiracy podgrift circuit. Enjoy it while it lasts, kiddos!

Friday, December 13, 2024

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #134:

AMERICANS CONTINUE TO TORTURE THEMSELVES THIS HOLIDAY SEASON WITH GROSS, DRY TURKEY DESPITE WIDE AVAILABILITY OF CHEESEBURGERS, MAC’N’CHEESE, AND FRIED CHICKEN.

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #43:

A highly conceptual production of Hamlet featuring Charles Fort as Fortinbras.

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#7)

(oldoldoldfartfartfart)

. . . and then you became a United States President.

Monday, December 9, 2024

Sunday, December 8, 2024

Saturday, December 7, 2024

THINGS NEVER SAID #26:

“When I bite into that Papa John's pizza I can taste that clear-filtered water. Nothing finer.”

Friday, December 6, 2024

F.A.Q. #1:

Q: Do you like ice cream? If so, what is your favorite flavor?

A: I do like ice cream. My favorite flavor is mint chocolate chip. Runner-ups would be cookies’n’cream and butter pecan. Just as important as the flavor is the temperature. Ice cream is best served very cold. Also, cold ice cream tastes even better when you eat it during very cold weather. It’s bracing. It’s refreshing. It’s invigorating. It gives you no place to go but up. It gets you moving.

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #4:

“It’s gotta be the shoes!”

“Maybe it’s Maybelline.”

So . . . if I put on the Jordans . . . and then I slather the Jordans in Maybelline . . . that would make me God, right?

And then, like, for a Bonus . . . I could buy that mass market paperback copy of Necronomicon from Barnes and Noble . . . and then, uh, like . . . I could also be Cthulhu, too. Like, as bonus content, you know.

When you think about it . . . our consumer culture is rather empowering, isn’t it?

Sure . . .

Tuesday, December 3, 2024

COMICS REVIEW: BIG QUESTIONS (2011)

by Anders Nilsen

Published by Drawn and Quarterly in August of 2011.

. . .

“You and I fulfilled our roles in the drama. Whether I was right about the egg is not important. The greatness of these events will be born out. We can’t expect our small minds to always get the details right in advance. You must have faith that it’s all profoundly for the good.”

. . .

Review by William D. Tucker.

Why must the finches and crows fight? 

Why do humans insist that animals talk in human languages in their stories?

Is it dumb to seek higher spiritual purpose when all you need is material cause-and-effect?

Can you ever trust a talking snake?

Why is the owl so mean?

Are the finches secretly stupid despite all their heady philosophical/religious investigations?

Are the crows using humor to obscure the fact that they’re just callous assholes?

Are donuts really so evil, or are we dealing with strident anti-donut propaganda?

Is it possible for humans not to fuck everything up?

Big Questions is a graphic novel that asks . . . eh, heh . . . that makes some fairly large inquiries about the problems of existence. The answers are a mixture of the amusingly surprising and the punitively obvious. The punitively obvious is that humans are seemingly destined to fuck themselves and the planet to death with their macho insecurities and technological boondoggles. The surprises have to do with the array of chatty animal characters who end up unintentionally replicating much of humanity’s philosophical heritage in an off the cuff manner as they respond to various intrusions, mysteries, and disasters. 

There’s a large grassy wilderness area. A bomb gets accidentally dropped on it. But it doesn’t go off right away. Talking finches identify it as a huge egg and regard it with wonder. Wonder engenders intense philosophical/religious speculation among the finches. These speculations continue even after the bomb explodes. Later, a human jet pilot crashes his jet. The pilot survives, but he is tormented by nightmares of swans. The pilot wanders in a daze, perhaps suffering brain trauma from the crash, trapped between sober consciousness and hallucinatory whimsies. 

There’s a seemingly mentally disabled man who lives with his grandmother in a small house out in this wilderness. I say seemingly because by the end of the story he actually seems more able to survive in a world of disasters brought about by dangerous military technologies than the allegedly mentally able pilot and the pricey state funded system that permits his Top Gun existence . . . but that’s one of those “large inquiries,” isn’t it? 

Big Questions is more of an experience than a thesis statement. The five hundred eighty something pages of black and white art takes you on a cinematic ride through philosophical dialogues, underworld explorations, gruesome violence, and no easy answers. The finches aren’t really able to fully understand humans. Humans aren’t even trying to understand anything except how to dodge responsibility for their latest techno-cataclysm. And there’s no God to pray to for an easy exit strategy, but pray if it makes you feel good, I guess. Finches and humans and crows and snakes and owls and worms and dogs and grandmothers and grandsons and fighter pilots and strange accumulations of black dots that Voltronically form into pants and intermittent mandalas must figure it all out for themselves. Only those of us that actually exist are permitted to take a crack at the Really Huge Interrogatives. It’s an honor, I guess, but also . . . kind of a huge pain in the ass.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #42:

The map to your new boss.

Sunday, December 1, 2024