2024 STAFF ROLL PLAYLIST

Here we go.

It’s usually the best part of these types of games . . .

Ending Theme/Kazuki Muraoka (Metal Gear NES OST)

Staff Roll/Yoshito Hirano (Advance Wars: Dual Strike DS OST)

Secret Rendezvous/Karyn White

In the Afterlife/Bobby Caldwell

Ending & Staff Roll/Jonathan Dunn (The Shadow SNES OST)

The Reverse Will/Akira Yamaoka (Silent Hill 2 OST)

Quincy Harker’s Theme/Seiji Yokoyama (Tomb of Dracula OST)

Forever/Snacks

Take Me to the River/Syl Johnson

In Yer Memory/Takkyu Ishino (Memories OST)

Superstition (live on Sesame Street)/Stevie Wonder

Lawyers, Guns, and Money/Warren Zevon

Isola Delle Rose/Rafael Cancian

Mad Machine/Kinuko Omori (Bubblegum Crisis OST)

Raver Girl/Jordana

Xin Ai (Plastic Love)/Anita Mui

Mr. Dandy/Bluew (Bubblegum Crisis OST)

. . . ugh, these Staff Rolls go on forever!

I skipped it.

And then I read online that you can’t unlock the Secret Best Ending if you skip it.

Like . . . fuck this game . . .

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #82:

I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I have a question for those that do . . .

Why do you people eat gross, flavorless turkey when juicy cheeseburgers, crunchy delicious fried chicken, savory macaroni and cheese, and creamy mashed potatoes are perfectly viable alternatives at all times?

Why punish yourselves with tough, dry bird when you could just eat something that you would actually enjoy?

Thanksgiving and Christmas are already absurd, miserable ordeals unto themselves-I mean, you’re not magically going to start getting along with people you’ve been at war with all your life just because a computer generated polar bear drinks a bottle of Coke . . . but you can choose tasty foods.

I’m just utterly perplexed by the turkey shit.

Why not choose flavor, eh?

I don’t get it.

Thinks.

Wait a minute . . . could it be . . . that if you smoke a pack of Marlboros before you eat the turkey . . . because the Marlboros-they come from Flavor Country, right?

Yeah . . .

I think I just cracked it.

Victory is mine!

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#9)

(squelchsplorksplatchaching)

. . . and then you became a slimy U.S. Congressman well lubed by that Dark Money.

SOLAR TAKE #6:

These horrible climate change heat waves will no doubt inspire some truly happening dance crazes. 

One of these will no doubt be inspired by these apocalyptic wildfires that burn out of control . . .

“Everybody, Do the Stop-Drop-and-Roll!”

. . . for all the good it’ll do you . . .

. . . yep, everything and everyone’s still burning . . .

. . . alas . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #27:

“The life you save may be a rubber chicken filled with nerve gas."

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #136:

WEED CHOKED LOT THAT USED TO BE THE SITE OF AN ELKS LODGE SIXTEEN YEARS AGO REBRANDS AS ILLEGAL DUMPING GROUND.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 39

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #45:

A bowl of atheist chicken soup that rolls its eyes at any talk of “soul.”

F.A.Q. #4:

Q: If you were given total control over a pop culture franchise, which one would you pick, and what would you do with it?

A: The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. And here’s what I would do with it . . . I would re-release it as a limited edition Blu-Ray box set with one and only one major change: I would re-dub all of the villains to be super R-rated-they would basically end up sounding like the characters in a Rob Zombie or a Quentin Tarantino movie. They’re using all of the words. They’re extremely rude, abusive, mean-spirited, selfish, sadistic and kinda stupid in the end. Everything else would be unchanged. Minimal effort, minimal time, minimal money spent-very much in the Saban Brands tradition. Because I like that the heroic characters are all very corny, very innocent-that works for me. But I’ve always been frustrated that Rita and Zedd and Goldar and Rita’s brother Rito are so edgeless, and so tame-especially when they look so cool, so GWAR, y’know? Although I would keep Zedd’s line about his biscuits being burned-maybe just add some George Carlin words on the front end to spice it up a bit. Yeah. That’s the pop culture intellectual property do-over I’d like to supervise. For sure.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #5:

WELCOME TO FLORIDA, THE POST-LITERACY STATE!

TWO VIEWS OF THE TOWER OF BABEL . . .

 

. . . and you gotta ask yourself, "Was it God or the lowest bidder that reduced it to this?"

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#8)

(slicesliceslice)

. . . and then you became an essential component of a deli sandwich.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #20:

Bulk and Skull had no business being campus police officers. They pretty much got everything wrong all of the time. The city of Angel Grove was clearly experiencing some sort of systemic crisis in their hiring practices vis-a-vis public safety personnel. Perhaps the constant mayhem occurring due to violent confrontations between self-appointed metamorphic vigilantes and monstrous lunar terrorists scared the high quality job candidates into seeking employment in less volatile cities. Word gets out, you know. And then all you’re left with are bumblers like Bulk and Skull. A sad state of affairs to be sure.

F.A.Q. #3:

Q: Do you have a favorite movie? What about a Top Ten List? Do you do ranked listings of movies or anything else?

A: I have tried to pick a single all time favorite movie, but I just can’t do it. I’ve dabbled in ranked lists, but those don’t work for me, either. Top 10 or Top 5 or Top 100 lists are completely arbitrary. My list has the same validity as one drawn up by Roger Ebert or anyone else. I also don’t think there’s any validity to End of Year or Year In Review or Year’s Best or Year’s Worst or what have you. What if you do your Best of 2024 List in the last week or two of December but then a month later in late January you change your mind? Are you actually gonna re-do your list? Why? Because you’re a perfectionist? Because it feels good? Because the world must know? If it feels good then proceed, but any other reason is just tedious . . . but having said all of this . . . if you put a gun to my head . . . then I would have no choice but to pick The Deer Hunter as my Number One Favorite because that would be super cute, wouldn’t it?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #135:

“COME ON, PEOPLE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.” D.B. COOPER JUST ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP ALL HOPE OF EVER BEING FOUND.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 38

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #44:

A yeti politician who constantly rails against the System as being “one big snowjob.”

THE NEW SIGNAGE #4:

a duck with a knife in its back followed by another duck

THE NEW DREAM #34:

I know the answers for the Scantron

yet I choose to Christmas Tree it

because

desire minus shame

THE NEW OBVIOUS #19:

Goldar should’ve reported Lord Zedd to HR.