BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #90:

Do I need to actually watch the movie, or can I just stare at the poster for a long time and imagine my own version of the film inside my head?

THE NEW OBVIOUS #38:

Everyone is now walking around with their faces pointed down into screens.

All ages, all professions-no one’s watching where they’re going.

Someone could decide to go about with a club, whacking people on the head, robbing all of their shit, and no one would be able to provide a description of the attacker.

It’s amusing that things have come to this point.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #206:

NEW POLLING INDICATES MOST AMERICANS OKAY WITH LIVING IN A FAILED STATE RULED BY DELUSIONAL, INCOMPETENT OLIGARCHS SO LONG AS THEY DON’T HAVE TO FEEL EMOTIONS.

NEW MERCH #5:

SPECIAL EDITION PHYSICAL MEDIA

Two Disc DVD.

All plastic components of case and discs sourced from certified Tyrannosaurus Rex bones.

Director’s commentary featuring life changing philosophical discourse from one of our finest living filmmakers.

Feature length behind the scenes making of documentary detailing the triumphs, tribulations, scandals, deaths, births, house warmings, guerilla warfare, high speed pursuits, fiery car crashes, tantalizing cryptid sightings, unexplained phenomena, ominous signs, propitious portents, and all sorts of things infinitely more interesting than the movie itself which was really just a too too precious attempt to make this generation’s widely praised people talking kind of movie-like Scenes From A Marriage or something like that.

So many deleted scenes that you could edit them into a new movie far superior to the actual movie you’re supposed to watch.

Coupons for pizza and energy drinks.

A sense of belonging.

Collectible packaging.

MAY NOT INCLUDE ACTUAL FILM.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #205:

NEW SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS CAST DOUBT ON WHETHER MAGIC TEETH COME FROM FOREVER.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #15:

Take the music videos for Fatboy Slim’s “Right Here, Right Now” and Pearl Jam’s “Do the Evolution” and switch the songs around . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #204:

CUTOUT CHEATING CRISIS ROCKS WORLD POCKET POOL CHAMPIONSHIPS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 72

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #203:

“I LIKE THE SHINY STUFF.” LAVISH, USELESS TRINKETS PROVOKE PRESIDENTIAL CORRUPTION CRISIS.

EMERGENCE #4:

. . . at some point in the far future, you are superdead and ultragone-

But somehow you’re also looking back on the multiple lifetimes you conned and carved out of what you thought-at the time-was your one meager physical existence.

I just had that one existence, you think to yourself. Barely that. But I got major return on investment, didn’t I?

You laugh-you can’t really laugh-but you do your own version of laughing, and then you try to shut that down. You think you should be a lot more serious about things. But then you’re doing your version of laughing again. You think maybe you should just give yourself over to laughing, because then you’ll stop. Everyone knows the harder you try to clamp it down the longer you’ll be laughing. So just let it play itself out . . . but then you’re doing your own version of laughing for a very, very, very long time. It gets to be a problem for you. And you go right on laughing. Even longer, across vast stretches of time that, back in your primes, would’ve been considered unseemly stagnations of world-historical human endeavor-

But you do stop. 

You do get back to being serious.

You have no choice, not like you would have wanted, because at this far future point on the timeline you ended up being the final author of things, didn’t you?

All laughed out, you decided to focus all of your mental power on backing things up to a point on the timeline where you felt you had more of a choice about things-where there was more of a sense of adventure, and beckoning horizons, and discoveries lying in wait like statues inside rocks . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #202:

ADVICE/LIFESTYLE COLUMN: AS A SHANIA TWAIN, I RECENTLY REJECTED A MAN WHO IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS A BRAD PITT. I WASN’T IMPRESSED AT THE TIME, BUT NOW I WONDER: WAS I TOO HARSH?

MANDATORY RULE #17:

All TV shows-whether they be scripted or unscripted, fictional or non-fictional-must include an episode depicting a freeze-in-place beam of some kind. This entails an elaborately designed person-portable raygun that, when fired, causes the target to freeze in place with a minimum of special effects and camera tricks. The target stops moving, locked into a pose evoking mid-movement. The target holds this pose until hit with an anti-freeze-in-place beam or the freeze-in-place beam raygun that has affected the target has been destroyed. There are no exceptions to this rule.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #201:

REPUBLICANS ADVANCE BILL REQUIRING FETUSES TO PROVIDE EITHER PROOF OF CURRENT EMPLOYMENT OR PROOF OF ACTIVE JOB-SEEKING BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO MISCARRY.

F.A.Q. #20:

Q: Do you think 69 should be replaced by 79?

A: No.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #200:

NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL PEOPLE WHO MERELY SCAN HEADLINES TO BE CHARGED THE SAME FEES AS REGULAR SUBSCRIBERS.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #76:

Pyramidal parameters.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #199:

“SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO LET THE ONE YOU LOVE THE MOST GO FREE.” IN A SEARING NEW INTERVIEW, THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN TALKS ABOUT THE PAIN OF WATCHING HIS FORMER WINGMAN DONALD TRUMP MAKE BESTIES WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#3)

. . . when they realize they’re dead and therefore will never enjoy earthly pleasures ever again, and then they complain when they come back from the dead and realize they gotta deal with things like job, toilet paper, dusting, doomscrolling, Climate Inferno, pain-in-the-ass friends who resent their recent absence, ever evolving youth slang that they don’t have the patience to track, endless sequelizations of yesteryear’s pop culture franchises, the housing affordability crisis, the price of eggs, AI hallucinations spreading catastrophic disinformation, the erosion of democracy, creeping autocracy, rising water lines . . .

People complain.

Even as they’re back from the dead . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #198:

NEW POLLING INDICATES MOST AMERICANS FINE WITH A NEWLY EMERGENT PANDEMIC PATHOGEN OR A RADICAL RESURGENCE OF OLD FAVORITES LIKE MEASLES OR TUBERCULOSIS IF IT MEANS THEY DON’T HAVE TO GET BACK UP.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #14:

A Starship Troopers fan made music video cut to the theme song from Bugsnax.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #197:

“I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR CHEAP SATURDAY NIGHT PICKUPS, DONALD!” PUTIN DEMANDS TRUMP BREAK UP WITH BESTIE EPSTEIN-CURRENTLY BURNING IN HELL-BEFORE HE AGREES TO MURDEROUSLY STEAL MORE LAND FROM THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 71

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #196:

ADVICE/LIFESTYLE COLUMN: I RECENTLY REVEALED MYSELF TO BE BRAD PITT TO SHANIA TWAIN. SHE WASN’T IMPRESSED. HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM THIS HEARTBREAK?

EMERGENCE #3:

. . . you find a book.

You read its table of contents. It strikes you as familiar.

You’re reminded of the time you wrote a book based on a loose table of contents that had fallen out of an old paperback book.

You do some research. 

You realize that this book you’ve come across was written the same way and around the same time you wrote your book extrapolated from a rogue table of contents.

In fact, this other book was published slightly earlier than your book-it reached shelves about two months before yours did.

Moreover, no one seems to have noticed that your book and this other book were written as extrapolations from the table of contents pages of other books.

You feel a certain frustration that you and your endeavors are not as unique as you once thought . . . but then you feel amusement that you and this other author seem to be members of a secret club of two.

And then you wonder if there could be others . . .

And then you wonder if you should seek each other out . . .

It could be amusing to do so . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #195:

REEKING PILE OF DOGSHIT TIRED OF BEING MISIDENTIFIED AS U.S. CONGRESS.

THE NEW DREAM #46:

In the New Dream

I’m burning in agony

Could be fever, could be the fires of hell or Climate Inferno, it could be that I’m just stuck in the middle of my signature transformation sequence

I’m burning, I’m screaming, I’m all out-of-sorts

It’s all kinds of fucked-up

I’m super into it, I guess, I’m really trying to martyr myself for the role

Like Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant

Something like that

High above me

There’s this magnificent chimerical amalgamation

Of all of the bogus authority figures

President, General, Admiral, Commander, Creative Writing Teacher, Work Supervisor, the All-Seeing Eye of Big Brother, Uniformed Police Asset, Pastor, Priest, the guy beating the drums to keep the oarsmen in time from Ben-Hur, Acting Coach, Online Wellness Griftfluencer, Monolithic Pop Star, Big Brother’s perpetually clogged toilet known as Big Shitter, Conspiracy Podgrifter, Mother, Father, my shadow self with the truly baroque sword-gun and the decadent Final Fantasy villain hairstyle

All of the bullshitters all-in-one

This amalgamated whatsit says to me

As I’m burning

It says to me

“You’re fine. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

I say, “Help me! I’m burning! I’m in pain!”

“Well, you’re just lying there feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I’m burning! Help!”

“You gotta help yourself. You gotta make your bed. It’s all in your head.”

“ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!”

I spontaneously combust

I go nova, to put it bluntly

Before, I was burning

Now, all is burning

It’s pretty cool

The best part is when the Chimerical Amalgamated Bogus Authority Whatsit comes crashing down out of the sky

Real big explosion

Cities blown away

Impressive miniature work

Actual pyro

Just little dibs and dabs of computer graphics here and there, you don’t even notice it unless you go frame by frame

A class act

But the Amalgamated Authoritarian’s still alive

Alive, and burning

At the bottom of what appears to be the Crater of All Cities

The Great Amalgamation

The Chimera of Chimeras

Cries out

To me,

“Help us! We’re burning! There’s such pain! It’s burning us! Help!”

I start to move my mouth

I know exactly what I’m about to say

The words long written down,

It’s all in your head

Stop feeling sorry for yourselves

Make your fucking beds

Lots of howling and incoherent gibbering

The sound design on this thing is killer, dude

From out of the cacophony

Bits and pieces get some coherency around ‘em

“Didn’t I bless you . . . didn’t I change your diaper . . . didn’t I give you an achievement structure . . . didn’t I make all that hamburger helper . . . didn’t I get you those balloons for your birthday . . . didn’t I give you a mission . . . didn’t I give you a source of pride . . . didn’t I bandage your knee . . . didn’t I give you a Christmas bonus . . . didn’t I put a gun in your hand . . . didn’t I teach you three act structure . . . didn’t I show you who to kill . . . didn’t I teach you long division . . . didn’t I give you the final boss battle of all times . . . didn’t I bomb all those civilian populations overseas . . .”

Good points, all worth considering

So I do that thing

I consider ‘em

And then I call down, like, ALL of the lightning

Every hair on my body stands tall

There’s a full-on cookout down in the Crater of All Cities

In the End

It’s all revealed to be a stealth pilot for my caustic celebrity chef persona reality series

Kitchen Obliterator

It goes for, like, fifty fucking seasons, dude

I make all of the money forever

Don’t ask me to explain why

People just go for this mean TV chef thing

I don’t question it

I just spend the money

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #194:

“I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND, DONALD.” TRUMP FRUSTRATED THAT ALL PUTIN WANTED TO TALK ABOUT AT ALASKA MEETING WAS EPSTEIN.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #37:

Measles is back in the U.S.A., baby!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #193:

NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL PEDESTRIANS TO BE ABLE TO TRANSFORM INTO TALKING CARS BY 2035.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #75:

A bald philosopher tries to sell you a non-functional baldness cure.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #192:

COMMENTARY: THE DOLLAR GENERAL MAY FIGHT THE RETAIL BATTLES, BUT IT’S THE DOLLAR SARGEANTS WHO WIN THE RETAIL WAR.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #13:

Start a podcast in which every episode is exactly sixty-nine minutes of total silence. Your audience sits there, maybe a little mystified, maybe a little frustrated, and then it hits them: The true podcast lies inside my own mind!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #191:

UNBREACHED DATA BREACHES ITSELF DUE TO FOMO.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #20:

CAUTION: ROADS MAY CEASE TO EXIST NEXT 10,000 MILES . . . OR NOT. THEY MIGHT DECIDE TO DOUBLE EXIST. LET’S JUST SAY THINGS MIGHT GET A LITTLE IMPROVISATIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #190:

COSTUME SHOP ON THE VERGE OF CIVIL WAR AS GROUCHO MUSTACHES DECLARE BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 70

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #189:

HOMEBREW ATOMICS CLUB PETITIONS SUPREME COURT TO EXPAND SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTIONS TO GUARANTEE THE INDIVIDUAL CITIZEN’S RIGHT TO CREATE, STOCKPILE, AND USE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

EMERGENCE #2:

. . . you find a single sheet of paper printed front and back with the table of contents for a book . . .

. . . oh, this must’ve gotten loose from some old paperback.

You decide to write your own version of the book, extrapolated from this fugitive table of contents . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #188:

INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE: THE BURNING GHOST OF EPSTEIN CONFIRMS THAT HELL IS ONE BIG GOLF RESORT.

F.A.Q. #19:

Q: What do you most fear?

A: Being animated by rejected objects.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #187:

CONSUMER ALERT BULLETIN: AMERICAN MADE GAS-GUZZLING PICKUP TRUCKS FOUND TO EXACERBATE ENLARGED PROSTATES, MICROPENIS, AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION . . . WHIMSICALLY HAUNTED ASSAULT RIFLES AT INCREASED RISK OF TRANSMUTING BULLETS INTO NERF MISSILES . . . DUE TO A RARE PROGRAMMING GLITCH SOVIET DVDS MANUFACTURED IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE FOUND TO CHAPTER SKIP VIEWER . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #13:

Kakihara

the dude with the needles from Ichi the Killer

is a guest

on Dr. Phil’s tv show

not because there’s anything wrong with Kakihara

not at all

in fact

Kakihara

ends up fixing

Dr. Phil

You could call it

the Next Level

of Appointment Television

if you like

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #7:

You had it all figured out.

You had your life down to your apartment, your job at the box factory, and the walk between the two.

And then one night, on your way home from the box factory, you were attacked by the Serpent of the Two Burdens . . .

1.Main Title/Akira Ifukube (Battle in Outer Space OST)

2. Coppelia no Hitsugi/Ali Project (Noir OST)

3. Necronomicon/Les Baxter (The Dunwich Horror OST)

4. Gats/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

5. Fury/Francis Monkman (The Long Good Friday OST)

6. Arrivals-Main Title/Jerry Goldsmith (Extreme Prejudice OST)

7. War Erupts/Edwin Montgomery (Wasteland OST)

8. Motorcade/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

9. Etorofu/Kenji Kawai (Innocence OST)

10. Fear/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

11. Boatyard Battle/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

12. Thin Red Paste/Edwin Montgomery (Wasteland OST)

13. Body Count/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

14. AK-97/Edwin Montgomery (Wasteland OST)

15. Corridor Creeping/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

16. Monster/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

17. Hospital Inferno/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

18. Boss Battle 2/Yasunori Mitsuda (Chrono Trigger OST)

19. Forces/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

20. The Ballade of Puppets: The Ghost Awaits in the World Beyond/Kenji Kawai (Innocence OST)

21. Behelit/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

22. Apocalypse/Kenji Kawai (Apocalypse: World War 2 OST)

23. Earth/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

24. Heart of Madness/Kodomo Band (Fist of the North Star Movie OST)

25. Substitute Invasion/Shiro Sagisu (The End of Evangelion OST)

26. Murder/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

27. Mystery’s Apotheosis/Fabio Frizzi (City of the Living Dead OST)

28. Rise From the Ashes End Titles/Masakazu Sugimori (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney OST)

. . . in the end, you found yourself at the bottom of a crater in extreme pain, and convinced that victory was indistinguishable from defeat.

Your pain was so intense that it blotted out all other sensations . . . even itself.

Numb to your very numbness, you crawled for days until you escaped the crater.

Things got blurry. Your memories from this time are all busted.

In the hospital, things got sharp. 

Your feelings return . . . especially the pain. But there are painkillers in the hospital. 

Not much to do but catch up on the news . . . which is pretty much all bad. Your battle with the Serpent of the Two Burdens got way out of hand. No more city. No more box factory. No more apartment. You get paranoid about people blaming you or trying to arrest you, but no one seems to realize that you were the one who fought the Serpent with such ferocity. You decide to keep it all to yourself.

You get better. It takes years. But you’re fixed up like new. Maybe even better.

As you walk out of the hospital you think to yourself,

Actually, my victory is distinguishable from defeat.

Soon enough you find a new job, a new apartment, and a walk between them . . .

SIDE OVER.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #186:

NEW RESEARCH OUT TODAY INDICATES A CLEAR MAJORITY OF PEOPLE INTERESTED IN DINOSAURS ALSO SECRETLY WISH TO BECOME POWER RANGERS.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #74:

The oil slick of 10,000,000,000 passions.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #185:

GROWING TREND OF PEOPLE PREFERRING COMPACT DISCS OVER VINYL RECORDS IS ON TRACK TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR VINYL RECORDS WHICH IS PREDICTED TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR CASSETTE TAPES WHICH IS FORECAST TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR 8-TRACK TAPES WHICH MARKET ANALYSTS DETERMINE WILL BE DISPLACED BY A COMEBACK FOR COMPACT DISCS WHICH AI PROGNOSTICS INDICATE WILL LIKELY BE DISPLACED BY A RETURN TO COLLECTING VINYL RECORDS UNTIL UNCONTROLLED GLOBAL WARMING SUFFOCATES ALL POTENTIAL CONSUMERS.

SPECULATIVE WEAPONS DIVISION #2:

LITTER DEMORALIZATION SCHEME

This is an experimental weapon system designed to demoralize the enemy. It involves conspicuous littering that must be done in an aggressive manner. Basically you illegally throw your trash away in view of other people but you must do it with a devil may care attitude that gives the impression that you really-truly-deeply do not give a fuck. 

Such action on your part may trigger aggressive responses from witnesses that may even include physical interdiction and assault on your person. You must be prepared to stand your ground if you are attacked. If necessary, you may, at times, have no choice but to execute a tactical retreat, but you must never admit fault, rhetorically back down, or apologize for littering. 

If you do back down or apologize this will make you appear weak and it will de-emphasize the action of heartless littering, and in actuality it will make witnesses think that you are merely careless as opposed to heartless. Carelessness may inspire wrath but usually it also inspires the thoughts that you are just a slob, possibly an asshole of the most trifling kind. 

This is not the desired effect. 

If you do not have the will to fight then you are perhaps not suited to the litter demoralization scheme. Reassignment may be necessary. 

This is not capricious stricture. 

Theatrical heartlessness is key to the demoralization aspect of this weapon system. You should be dressed to the nines. You should be carrying yourself with runway arrogance. You’re staring people in the eyes. You’re stalking up to your target and hurling bags of garbage at them with the style and panache of a martial arts movie star. 

As litter demoralization agents fan out across the land, the enemy population begins to perceive that their fellow citizens have totally given up on trash cans and recycling bins and even landfills. Everywhere is the landfill, now, so why keep on fighting?

Some may object to the idea that this assortment of actions constitutes a weapon or weapons or weapon system. We will leave the finer details of such inquiries to the philosophers of war and the metaphysicians of weaponry. 

We feel secure in categorizing this complex of behaviors as a weapon system. Controversy always attends innovation. Profound innovation necessarily incurs profound controversy. Profound controversy necessitates furious dialectic. We do not shy away from such contests. Sometimes you must win a war to be able to fight a war.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #184:

“HE’S LARGER IN SIZE, MORE AFFLUENT, TERMINALLY ONLINE, AND LEADS A SEDENTARY, POST-HUNTER-GATHERER LIFESTYLE.” CONTROVERSY IN THE WORLD OF PALEOCONSERVATIVE STUDIES AS NEW RESEARCH INDICATES THAT DR. PHIL MAY BE THE EVOLUTIONARY DESCENDENT OF G. GORDON LIDDY.

THE NEW DREAM #45:

The Hungry Howie’s moves out

The Little Caesar’s moves in

I’m stuck where I’ve always been

The Little Caesar’s moves out

The Hungry Howie’s moves in

I’m convinced there’s a sinister plot, don’t ask me why, my Columbo Senses are tingling

Hungry Howie’s moves out bumping into Little Caesar’s as it’s just a little too eager to move in

I point and shout and jump up and down while pointing and shouting and jumping up and down

Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s start swapping in and out of the strip mall location at warp speed

Empires rise and fall but it’s fine

Hungry Howie’s occasionally thinks it’s Little Caesar’s and Little Caesar’s occasionally thinks it’s Hungry Howie’s but it’s fine

I point and shout and jump up and down but it’s fine

Something breaks

A Domino’s has spontaneously manifested, displacing the Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s

I point/shout/jump-up-and-down

There’s a swirl of ghostly Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s crashing into and battling with each other in the heavily potholed, soiled diaper strewn parking lot

The Domino’s abides for 10,000 years

All traces of all physical structures crumble to dust, blow away on the wind

The ghostly Domino’s endures, a memory with no need of any mind to remember it

My mind is long gone

Only my point/shout/jump-up-and-down endures

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #183:

J.D. VANCE’S EPSTEIN STRATEGY MEETING ATTENDED BY A DISCONCERTINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRIDS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 69

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #182:

“YOU GONNA NEED TO LIVE WITH A JOB, DIE WITH A JOB, BE BURIED WITH A JOB, AND BE REBORN ALREADY GAINFULLY EMPLOYED IF YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY!” CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS MOVING FORWARD WITH WORK REQUIREMENTS FOR HEALTHCARE, DEATH, BURIAL, AFTERLIFE, REINCARNATION, QUIJA BOARD ACCESS, AND BEYOND.

EMERGENCE #1:

The table of contents is two pages, the front and back of a single sheet . . . but the book is old, hasn’t been cared for, and so this single sheet comes loose . . .

. . . so you use it for a bookmark as you read the book.

This bookmark is also a mobile table of contents. 

Just don’t let it get away from its book . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #181:

EPSTEIN ESCAPES FROM HELL DURING OIL RIG EXPLOSION; TRUMP HAPPY TO REUNITE WITH BESTIE, FULL PARDON IN THE WORKS FOR BOTH EPSTEIN AND MAXWELL.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #12:

Hardcore

+

Game of Death II

=

George C. Scott becomes increasingly agitated in a movie theater as he watches a movie in which the first half hour consists of an all-too-obvious Bruce Lee impersonator keeping his back to the camera. And then the obvious impersonator faces the camera and he’s obviously an impersonator. Scott’s anguish peaks during the part where actual footage of Bruce Lee’s funeral plays.

“TURN IT OFF!!”

Things get even stranger as the evil of the world fractures space and time causing stock footage of Scott to invade the frame. Now, Scott’s past movie selves from Dr. Strangelove, Patton, The New Centurions, The Day of the Dolphin, The Hindenburg, and They Might Be Giants all challenge Hardcore Scott to a lethal battle gauntlet. The Final Boss is future stock footage of Scott from The Exorcist III.

Eventually, the audience rebels, burns down the theater, and furiously cheers while jumping up and down.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #180:

QUESTIONS SWIRL AROUND RECENT APPEARANCES BY JEFFREY EPSTEIN-WHO LOOKS TO BE DRESSED HEAD TO TOE IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE-IN PRESIDENT TRUMP’S DREAMS OF LATE. “IT’S ALMOST LIKE TRUMP’S COMPULSIVE LYING AND DESTRUCTIVE EXECUTIVE ORDERS ARE MEANT TO KEEP HIM FROM THINKING ABOUT THE FATE OF HIS BEST FRIEND AND WINGMAN,” STATED AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLOSE TO THE MATTER.

F.A.Q. #18:

Q: What do you fear most?

A: Being rejected by inanimate objects.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #73:

A remake of Easy Rider starring Kamen Rider.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #179:

“WON’T YOU JOIN ME FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKES?” TRUMP TOUTS BOGUS TRADE DEALS TO BLOT OUT THE SEPULCHRAL VOICE OF FORMER BESTIE EPSTEIN AS IT CALLS TO HIM FROM THE INFERNAL ABYSS.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #40:

SEEK YE THE LOST CONVEYOR BELT OF SERVICE MERCHANDISE.