FUN YOU CAN HAVE #17:

Go on YouTube, and start watching a full playthrough of one of these surrealistic horror video games-Silent Hill, Hollowbody, Sanitarium, Heartworm, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, The Cat Lady, Corpse Party, D2-or pick one that you prefer that isn’t listed here.

Notice how the intrusive ads become the new jumpscares.

At first, I hated it.

Now, I think these advertorial invaders should become part of horror game design best practices.

Think of it as an additional thematic concern.

A lot of these games explore identity and memory.

The advertorial invaders can weave in the concept of total corruption . . .

. . . or is it mere distraction?

Hmmm . . .

Really makes you think . . .

OCCLUSION #7:

It gets you up in the morning

It’s a kind of liquid armor

A gift that flaunts its Faustian Bargain-ness

More in the register of Goethe’s clawing, climbing, fighting towards the godhead

Than in the spirit of fuddy-duddy Marlowe’s moralism

Satan-as-aggro-life-coach

Not

Satan-as-the-burning-monster-mouth-that-swallows-you-into-the-lake-of-acid

But still

It puts its thumb in your eye jelly

You have to drink it down deep

You’ll resent it

Even though

No

It doesn’t push you, it drags you 

Which is what you chose, isn’t it

And yes

You’ll hurt if you say no

Lots of things are like that

But this one’s particularly bitter

Even as it displaces your beyond lame borderline vacation-ass self with a momentum that wears your face so well

F.A.Q. #25:

Q: What lies beyond the stygian depths where Behemoth and Leviathan dwell?

A: Some vending machines, a mobile device charging station, a waist level stand distributing a free weekly sales paper, and a hip little indie coffee shop that’ll be lucky to be in business six months from now.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 89

 

THE NEW SIGNAGE #34:

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE JUST RIPPED OFF NUMBER ONE’S MASKS TO FIND YOUR OWN FACE STARING BACK AT YOU. THANK YOU.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #223:

CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT FILED ON BEHALF OF OVER TEN THOUSAND HUMAN-COUCH HYBRIDS CLAIMING DAMAGES FOR TRAUMA CAUSED BY BEING ABANDONED BY VICE PRESIDENT VANCE.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #89:

The redactor who redacts himself without being compelled to do so by any order from above or law of the land.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #26:

Silent Side Story.

This is West Side Story + Silent Hill.

You’ve got two gangs of monsters-the Nurses and the Grey Children-dance battling to see which team gets to ride in the flying saucer piloted by a dog.

Meanwhile, Pyramid Head and Officer Cybil are a mismatched pair of buddy cops looking to enforce the law upon lawless abominations.

Pyramid Head’s got lots of personal shit. He’s depressed that he’s just the manifestation of some random dude’s desire to be punished. He aspires to be so much more! He’s been taking dance lessons. He’s reading the Stoics. Even though he’s known for wielding a sword he’s been hitting the firing range to expand his repertoire to include the M-60 machine gun, the bazooka, and the person-portable railgun assault system. He sees himself as Protagonist Material, like in a Resident Evil or Doom game. He does mime. He does hosting. He does close magic. He’s working on some fucking amazing singer-songwriter shit-just, like, totally conquering the folkie scene in Silent Hill.

Cybil’s got her own Protagonist Dreams working. Although they’re kinda boring, she figures she could brush up her detective skills by starring in a few of those point-and-click mystery games. She just doesn’t want to get stuck in some godforsaken hidden object purgatory-not even once. But options are scarce these days. She’s gotten a lucrative offer to star in some cutscenes for a video pachislot thing, but that’s another purgatory she’s trying to avoid. She also finds Pyramid Head’s barista-esque pretense of saying,”Oh, but I’m really this other thing” to be incredibly tedious. But she’s also kinda in the same place as him. It’s tough.

The Nurses and the Grey Children have to dodge those trifling cops while winning dance battles to improve their techniques.

Lots of multiple endings tied to various abstruse mechanics will surely guarantee repeat box office as audiences fleeing the suffocating heat of Climate Inferno luxuriate in 4-D air conditioning effects.

Fun for the final survivors of the Human Family!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #222:

ENORMOUS QUANTITY OF EPSTEIN FILES FOUND LINING THE INSIDE OF ELON MUSK’S SLEEPING BAG.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #44:

Those Vanity Fair pics of the Trump cabinet people?

They’re rather unflattering. 

My guess is that in the next few days there’s going to be an official statement from the spokesvillain for the Dick Tracy Rogues’ Gallery disavowing any connection with this ghastly gang of ghouls.

And these same ghouls can surely forget about launching any Only Fans accounts after the United States government collapses over this Christmas season.

Life is especially tough for those with severe appearance deficits. 

Even more so in this capitalist hellscape that values image over substance, lies over truth, and cruelty over compassion.

Boo-hoo.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 88

THE NEW SIGNAGE #33:

CONGRATULATIONS. THE CAST OF NEON GENESIS EVANGELION HAS JUST SURROUNDED YOU IN ORDER TO CONGRATULATE YOU. THANK YOU.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #88:

The bauble beyond all price.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #221:

HOME ALONE REBOOT PROMISES TO TACKLE LONELINESS EPIDEMIC.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #25:

Reading Rainblow.

Basically, it’s LeVar Burton getting replaced by Tony Montana. The producers want more of an edgy, 1980s vibe going forward, so Burton gets a pink slip. 

As Tony descends into cocaine psychosis, he starts hearing the voice of his beloved dead sister who tells him that assassins are hiding between the pages of all the books. Tony whips out his “little friend,” and blasts all the books. 

Once all of the books have been killed, Ronald Reagan appears.

“Son, I want to shake your hand!”

Tony Montana-whose heart is about to explode-gets super self-conscious about shaking the Gipper’s hand because his sister is now whispering in his ear that he needs to scrape off all the bugs that are covering his body from crown to soles. Tony excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Reagan stands in place, smiling into the middle distance. We see Tony enter the bathroom, shut the door behind himself. Soon enough, we hear him start to scream. Reagan’s head pops off and flails about on the end of a spring whilst making wacky sound effects. The bathroom door opens, and a gigantic spider comes out, giving us all the impression that Tony’s cocaine-enhanced mentality allowed him to metamorphose into a huge arachnid to eat all the bugs that were tormenting him.

“Okaaaay, Mr. President . . .”

We cut back to Reagan’s flailing, spring-mounted head.

We cut to the giant spider surging directly into the camera.

We cut to the gorgeous Miami skyline at golden hour.

Roll credits.