THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 90

PLACES YOU CAN GO #1:

There's a warehouse stacked floor-to-ceiling with books that feature cover/jacket/page blurbs from Neil Gaiman. 

So, if you were wondering where all of those things went . . .

AGENT CORNWELL WAS HITTING THAT SKIBIDI 6-7 ACTION CIRCA 2019 . . .

 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #27:

 John Carpenter’s The Carpenter

Starring Sabrina Carpenter

Featuring music by the Carpenters

It’ll clear a billion opening weekend.

Easy money!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #226:

GANGSTER NEWS UPDATES: TRUMP MAFIA TO EXPAND ITS DOMINION TO INCLUDE VENEZUELAN OIL RESERVES . . . XI MOB EXPECTED TO INCORPORATE TAIWAN . . . PUTIN HOODLUMS STILL LEANING ON UKRAINE . . . THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL COMMENTARY IS FROM NONE OTHER THAN THE GHOST OF AL CAPONE. WE MUST PROVIDE A WARNING FOR AUDIO SENSITIVE LISTENERS AS CAPONE COMMUNICATES VIA A PIERCINGLY INTENSE WAIL GENERATED BY HIS ETERNAL GRAVEBOUND SPINNING MOTION . . .

F.A.Q. #26:

Q: Who is your favorite comic book superhero?

A: The early iterations of the Incredible Hulk. He was weird and angry and all over the map. He fought the Communists, he fought the U.S. government, he fought superheroes, he fought supervillains, he fought himself, he was all kinds of mad at a world he never made.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #225:

TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISHING RESEARCH FUNDING FOR TREATMENT AND PREVENTION OF MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #45:

REMEMBER: IF YOU VOTE FOR PEOPLE WHO PROMISE TO BURN DOWN YOUR GOVERNMENT YOU WILL LIKELY HAVE A BURNING GOVERNMENT ON YOUR HANDS. CHOOSE CAREFULLY.

2025 STAFF ROLL PLAYLIST

Many roads lead to the burning house . . .

Knight Man Stage/Yuko Takehara (Mega Man 6 NES OST)

Monkey Magic/Godiego (Monkey Magic OST)

House on Fire/Girls on Film

Kevorkian/Public Enemy

This Is The Life/ “Weird Al” Yankovic

Black Inferno/Guido & Maurizio De Angelis (Raiders of Atlantis OST)

Shakedown/Bob Seeger (Beverly Hills Cop II OST)

City of Crime/Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks (Dragnet OST)

Dare To Be Stupid/ “Weird Al” Yankovic

Playin’ Dumb/Tchotchke

Dunning Kruger’s Loser Cruiser/Tropical Fuck Storm

The Big Rock Candy Mountains/Harry McClintock

Iris Out/Kenshi Yonezu (Chainsaw Man-The Movie: Reze Arc OST)

Citizens On Patrol/Michael Winslow & the L.A. Dream Team (Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol OST)

Call Any Vegetable/Frank Zappa

Sutekh’s Lair Theme/Marshall Parker (Nightshade NES OST)

Blastfighter Theme/Fabio Frizzi (Blastfighter OST)

Dance or Die/Peter Aykroyd & Pat Thrall (Dragnet OST)

It’s a Dog’s Breakfast (For LR)/The Paranoid Style

Jurassic Park/ “Weird Al” Yankovic

Muneyake Bar/Shinobu Amayake (Omega 6: The Triangle Stars OST)

The burning house leads to many roads . . .

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #94:

Does Santa Claus celebrate Christmas, or is he like, “Dude, this shit is my fucking job. I’m working. I ain’t celebrating shit!” ?

Or maybe Santa celebrates some bizarre, secret Clausian holiday that maybe only him and the elves and the reindeer and a select group of insiders know about?

Who else is in the know?

Mothman? Chupacabra? The Men in Black? The Mad Gasser of Mattoon? Spring-Heeled Jack? The Jersey Devil? Nessie? The probe-happy Greys? Mulder’n’Scully? A scholarly cartoon owl? That dude that wrote all those books about urban legends in the 1980s and 1990s? That dude who wrote that ‘End of History’ book? What about the other dude who wrote that book about Generation X with all the vocabulary words in the margins? Is the Flatwoods Monster in the know? Was the Flatwoods Monster the one who wrote that Generation X book?

Hey, I’m just one of these Inquiring Minds you hear about.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #224:

NEW RESEARCH OUT THIS WEEK SUGGESTS THAT A BADGE MAY BE A METASTATIC FORM OF A DESIRE FOR THINGS TO MAKE SENSE.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #90:

The air conditioning unit that’s more mold than air conditioning unit.

THAT-A-WAY!

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #17:

Go on YouTube, and start watching a full playthrough of one of these surrealistic horror video games-Silent Hill, Hollowbody, Sanitarium, Heartworm, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, The Cat Lady, Corpse Party, D2-or pick one that you prefer that isn’t listed here.

Notice how the intrusive ads become the new jumpscares.

At first, I hated it.

Now, I think these advertorial invaders should become part of horror game design best practices.

Think of it as an additional thematic concern.

A lot of these games explore identity and memory.

The advertorial invaders can weave in the concept of total corruption . . .

. . . or is it mere distraction?

Hmmm . . .

Really makes you think . . .

OCCLUSION #7:

It gets you up in the morning

It’s a kind of liquid armor

A gift that flaunts its Faustian Bargain-ness

More in the register of Goethe’s clawing, climbing, fighting towards the godhead

Than in the spirit of fuddy-duddy Marlowe’s moralism

Satan-as-aggro-life-coach

Not

Satan-as-the-burning-monster-mouth-that-swallows-you-into-the-lake-of-acid

But still

It puts its thumb in your eye jelly

You have to drink it down deep

You’ll resent it

Even though

No

It doesn’t push you, it drags you 

Which is what you chose, isn’t it

And yes

You’ll hurt if you say no

Lots of things are like that

But this one’s particularly bitter

Even as it displaces your beyond lame borderline vacation-ass self with a momentum that wears your face so well