THINGS NEVER SAID #49:

“In this Season of Gratitude and Giving, I would just like to take this opportunity in Jesus’s name-which just slipped my mind, but it’ll come back to me-to give thanks to the blessed toymakers of this planet who have seen fit to gift me with a box including action figure depictions of all four members of the Fantastic Four. Praise be. However-and I do not wish to sound ungrateful in this Season of Gratitude and Giving-however I cannot help but speak to the self-evident dilemma of this moment. Which is as follows: I only want the new Ben Grimm. That’s it. I don’t need the other three. Look. It’s like this . . . those of us who buy the action figures . . . we’re just interested in the Ben Grimms, the Incredible Hulks, the Banes, the Godzillas, the Voltrons, the Hulkbuster Iron Men, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, a few Master Chiefs, a Mechagodzilla could be nice, a well done Goro could work in a pinch, maybe a Ghost Rider here and there, and maybe, like, one really gnarly tongue hanging out Venom-that’s it. We don’t need Mr. Fantastic or Invisible Lady or the Human Torch-Ghost Rider’s already got the Torch’s spot to put it bluntly. You see what I’m getting at here? In the movies and the comic books-neither of which I’m familiar with-the boring-ass characters have their place. Because, like, in movies and comic books-which are stories-you need boring characters to accommodate all that boring-as-fuck English Major Shit. Uhh, y’know, like, uhhh . . . exposition? Uhh, theme? Plot’s one, I know that, plot’s the one I always remember. I did okay with that one in school. Not great. Just okay. I got by. D’s a passing grade your senior year. I’m not a spiritual man, but I believe in that Senior Magic. But in the world of action figures-my world-the boring-ass characters do not have a place. ‘Cause my world is all-action-all-the-time. You understand? So. I will gladly add the new Ben Grimm to my shelf of Ben Grimms. There we go. And these other three can go right into the trash. Like so. All the people who’ve been downsized from the economy by AI can have a few extra toys to keep their starving children distracted while scavenging for semi-edible food waste. And all’s well on planet Earth. Praise be to ol’ Jesus What’s-His-Face.”

THE NEW DREAM #49:

It’s not the same.

My local comic book store opened in a new, bigger location.

Like, Wal-Mart Super Center Inescapable Labyrinth of Consumer Desire big.

You could call it huge.

Gargantuan, even.

And they don’t even sell comic books anymore.

Just Pokemon and Magic the Gathering and Yu-Gi-Oh and baseball cards and the inevitably doomed re-launch of Illuminati New World Order. 

They have comic books.

They’re all in a great big pile in the back.

You can take as many as you want for free.

But then you’re required to walk back to the front of the store while all the trading card gamers throw rocks at you.

It sucks.

I found myself missing the older, hipper version of my local comic book store.

So, I went back to the old location which was tucked away inside a grimy, nondescript strip mall.

It was still open.

I’m like, “What?!”

I go inside.

There’s just a broom with some stick-on googly eyes minding the till. 

I wave hello.

The googly eyed broom pitches me on pre-ordering The New Dream #50 which is a double-sized issue featuring a holografix foil cover in a sealed plastic bag featuring a trading card loose in the bag.

I consider this carefully.

I had never read a single issue of The New Dream in my life.

The googly eyed broom tells me #50 is supposed to be a great jumping on point for new readers.

Who am I to argue with that?

I place my pre-order . . . but then I slouch back to the new location.

I figure I’ll drop some heavy dollars on the inevitably doomed Illuminati New World Order re-launch.

It’s gonna work out this time.

No one’ll ever throw a rock at me ever again.

I can feel it.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #24:

An AI deep fake remake of Mr. Majestyk wherein Charles Bronson just wants to get his Labubus back.

The original version in which Bronson just wants to get his melons back will be available as an unlockable special feature, which will also offer Gallagher boss fight DLC at a price point attractive to mindless gamer drones.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 86

 

THE NEW OBVIOUS #43:

When you say, “He looks like Woody Harrelson,” that’s just a circumspect way of saying, “He’s a bald guy.”

THE NEW SIGNAGE #31:

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE  ENTERED THE ZONE OF AREA. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM ALL THOUGHTS, ACTIVITIES, AND BEHAVIORS. THANK YOU.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #44:

IF YOU LAUNCH YOUR FISTS AS PART OF A SPECIAL ATTACK YOU MAY, IF POSSIBLE, RETRIEVE YOUR FISTS TO BE RE-ATTACHED ONCE THE BATTLE HAS BEEN WON. HOWEVER, RE-ATTACHMENT MAY ONLY PROCEED ONCE YOU HAVE SUBMITTED YOUR FISTS FOR IDEOLOGICAL SANITATION PROTOCOLS TO ENSURE RE-HARMONIZATION WITH THE BODY POLITIC.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #93:

Has anyone ever considered the possibility that all of the strange creatures seemingly attacking Karnov-in the video game Karnov-are actually just trying to approach him in order to ask if they can borrow his ladder?

Mytho-poetic monsters likely don’t spend a lot of time, money, or energy on mundane things like, “Oh, I gotta clear the leaves from the gutter. I need a ladder for that. Maybe I’ll talk to that Karnov fellow who is constantly whipping out his ladder. Maybe he’ll let me borrow it. Can’t hurt to ask.”

So the monsters approach Karnov. Karnov fries them with fireballs. It’s all a failure to communicate. 

Could it be that in the end Karnov is a secret sequel to Cool Hand Luke?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #219:

“SO MUCH DEPENDS UPON IT, AND YET IT HAS LET US ALL DOWN." INSPECTOR GENERAL’S REPORT FINDS RED WHEEL BARROW TO BE DERELICT IN ITS DUTIES OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS. THE REPORT GOES ON TO DETAIL HOW THE RAIN WATER HAS HAD NOTHING TO GLAZE, NOR THE CHICKENS ANYTHING TO STAND BESIDE DURING THE TIME COVERED BY THE INVESTIGATION.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #19:

Hiring a mob of people to fight each other to the death over some Black Friday sales trinkets.

Here I sit in the shadows . . .

Laughing my handsome head off . . .

Enjoying the show . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 85

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #16:

When you’re having a horrendously bitter argument with your family this Thanksgiving holiday season, switch from your main language to turkey gobbles. 

Win or lose, for the rest of their days the enemy will never forget this battle.

MANDATORY RULE #18:

All movies depicting mass destruction must include scenes depicting the clean-up process, which may take years, or even decades, or even longer if there’s no budget left to pay for it. This rule may seem restrictive, but it also opens up intriguing story possibilities. Imagine a giant monster movie that portrays gargantuan beasts leveling all of the United States including its state and federal governments, all branches of the military, and all significant economic sectors. The giant monsters do their thing, and then fade from the scene. 

Then what happens? 

People keep waiting for disaster relief but all those departments of government have been abolished by MAGA assholes. These same MAGA scumbags have also given away all the tax dollars to their slimy techbro billionaire friends. Americans are left to wander the rubblescape, wondering how it all went wrong. People just start piling stuff up not quite realizing that no one’s coming to clear it. Some folks pray. Some folks start praying to the piles of wreckage. Strong winds blow, new fires spread, and one or two giant monsters reappear. But the giant monsters get bored real quick now that there’s no military toys to play with, so they step on some rubble pile cultists, and then turn their attention towards Europe, Russia, China, and Japan. But right before it leaves, one of the giant monsters sees a bald eagle soaring through the sky. A tear rolls down the behemoth’s radioactive cheek. And then it spits a fireball at the eagle, totally incinerating it. A real tear-jerker, no?

Rules inspire creativity.

Or so I’m told.

This I command!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #30:

NOTHING BUT TRUMP DESPERATELY BLACKING OUT HIS NAME NEXT 10,000 EPSTEIN FILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #86:

A bittersweet memory of a lost routine.

If that’s too painful then it doesn’t have to be lost, it can merely be disrupted due to intrusive work demands and/or attack by robots.