Sunday, November 30, 2025

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #93:

Has anyone ever considered the possibility that all of the strange creatures seemingly attacking Karnov-in the video game Karnov-are actually just trying to approach him in order to ask if they can borrow his ladder?

Mytho-poetic monsters likely don’t spend a lot of time, money, or energy on mundane things like, “Oh, I gotta clear the leaves from the gutter. I need a ladder for that. Maybe I’ll talk to that Karnov fellow who is constantly whipping out his ladder. Maybe he’ll let me borrow it. Can’t hurt to ask.”

So the monsters approach Karnov. Karnov fries them with fireballs. It’s all a failure to communicate. 

Could it be that in the end Karnov is a secret sequel to Cool Hand Luke?

Saturday, November 29, 2025

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #219:

“SO MUCH DEPENDS UPON IT, AND YET IT HAS LET US ALL DOWN." INSPECTOR GENERAL’S REPORT FINDS RED WHEEL BARROW TO BE DERELICT IN ITS DUTIES OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS. THE REPORT GOES ON TO DETAIL HOW THE RAIN WATER HAS HAD NOTHING TO GLAZE, NOR THE CHICKENS ANYTHING TO STAND BESIDE DURING THE TIME COVERED BY THE INVESTIGATION.

Friday, November 28, 2025

SIMPLE PLEASURES #19:

Hiring a mob of people to fight each other to the death over some Black Friday sales trinkets.

Here I sit in the shadows . . .

Laughing my handsome head off . . .

Enjoying the show . . .

Wednesday, November 26, 2025

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #16:

When you’re having a horrendously bitter argument with your family this Thanksgiving holiday season, switch from your main language to turkey gobbles. 

Win or lose, for the rest of their days the enemy will never forget this battle.

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

MANDATORY RULE #18:

All movies depicting mass destruction must include scenes depicting the clean-up process, which may take years, or even decades, or even longer if there’s no budget left to pay for it. This rule may seem restrictive, but it also opens up intriguing story possibilities. Imagine a giant monster movie that portrays gargantuan beasts leveling all of the United States including its state and federal governments, all branches of the military, and all significant economic sectors. The giant monsters do their thing, and then fade from the scene. 

Then what happens? 

People keep waiting for disaster relief but all those departments of government have been abolished by MAGA assholes. These same MAGA scumbags have also given away all the tax dollars to their slimy techbro billionaire friends. Americans are left to wander the rubblescape, wondering how it all went wrong. People just start piling stuff up not quite realizing that no one’s coming to clear it. Some folks pray. Some folks start praying to the piles of wreckage. Strong winds blow, new fires spread, and one or two giant monsters reappear. But the giant monsters get bored real quick now that there’s no military toys to play with, so they step on some rubble pile cultists, and then turn their attention towards Europe, Russia, China, and Japan. But right before it leaves, one of the giant monsters sees a bald eagle soaring through the sky. A tear rolls down the behemoth’s radioactive cheek. And then it spits a fireball at the eagle, totally incinerating it. A real tear-jerker, no?

Rules inspire creativity.

Or so I’m told.

This I command!

Monday, November 24, 2025

THE NEW SIGNAGE #30:

NOTHING BUT TRUMP DESPERATELY BLACKING OUT HIS NAME NEXT 10,000 EPSTEIN FILES.

Sunday, November 23, 2025

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #86:

A bittersweet memory of a lost routine.

If that’s too painful then it doesn’t have to be lost, it can merely be disrupted due to intrusive work demands and/or attack by robots.

Saturday, November 22, 2025

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #218:

“I GOT IT FOR $4.99 PLUS APPLICABLE SALES TAX FROM THE DISCOUNT DVD BIN AT BIG LOTS.” GOD OF BLOGGING WILLIAM D. TUCKER ANNOUNCED HIS PURCHASE OF WARNER-DISCOVERY ON SOCIAL THIS MORNING. DESPITE THE LOW PRICE POINT, TUCKER EXPRESSED THE FOLLOWING REGRETS: “I MEAN, LIKE, IT WAS CHEAP. BUT I COULD’VE JUST TORRENTED THE SHIT FOR FREE. A LOT OF IT I’M NOT EVEN GONNA WATCH, RIGHT? LIKE HARRY POTTER? I’M NOT A CHILD. I DON’T WATCH THAT CRAP. OR THE LATEST PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON PICTURE. I’M SORRY, BUT THE GUY’S SO PRETENTIOUS, SO TEDIOUS, ALL THE FILM PODGRIFTERS ARE FALLING FOR IT, OF COURSE. BASICALLY, I’M JUST INTO THE CAGNEY PICTURES. HAVE YOU SEEN WHITE HEAT? DUDE! THAT ENDING IS SICK-AS-FUCK!” . . . NEW ANALYSIS INDICATES PRESIDENT TRUMP’S HOARSE VOICE THIS PAST WEEK STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT BUBBA’S STILL KNOCKING THEM VOCAL CORDS LOOSE . . . GOD OF BLOGGING WILLIAM D. TUCKER HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE’LL BE TRADING WARNER-DISCOVERY TO HIS BUDDY FOR THE LIMITED EDITION DVD BOX SET OF THE SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO FEATURE FILMS . . .

Friday, November 21, 2025

F.A.Q. #24:

Q: If you could act the part of any fictional character who would it be?

A: Captain Ahab.

Wednesday, November 19, 2025

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #23:

Winnebago Man’s Winnebago Man versus the mysterious lady driving the rental van in Under the Skin.

If the mysterious lady can get Winnebago Man into the extra-dimensional meat processor . . . she wins.

If Winnebago Man can convince the mysterious lady she should be outraged by the machinations of Dick Cheney . . . victory is his.

Let the games begin!

Tuesday, November 18, 2025

Monday, November 17, 2025

THE NEW OBVIOUS #42:

The more resentful, dead-eyed helper elves you have bound howlingly to your will the higher your overall productivity output.

Sunday, November 16, 2025

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #217:

“YOU AND I ARE BOUND TOGETHER, DONALD!” THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN EXPRESSED GRAVE DOUBTS THAT TRUMP’S LOOMING INVASION OF VENEZUELA WOULD DO MUCH TO DISTRACT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THEIR ETERNAL BESTIESHIP. EPSTEIN FURTHER COMMENTED, “MOST AMERICANS CAN’T EVEN FIND VENEZUELA ON A FUCKING MAP, MY FRIEND . . .”