NOTIONAL HEADLINE #195:

REEKING PILE OF DOGSHIT TIRED OF BEING MISIDENTIFIED AS U.S. CONGRESS.

THE NEW DREAM #46:

In the New Dream

I’m burning in agony

Could be fever, could be the fires of hell or Climate Inferno, it could be that I’m just stuck in the middle of my signature transformation sequence

I’m burning, I’m screaming, I’m all out-of-sorts

It’s all kinds of fucked-up

I’m super into it, I guess, I’m really trying to martyr myself for the role

Like Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant

Something like that

High above me

There’s this magnificent chimerical amalgamation

Of all of the bogus authority figures

President, General, Admiral, Commander, Creative Writing Teacher, Work Supervisor, the All-Seeing Eye of Big Brother, Uniformed Police Asset, Pastor, Priest, the guy beating the drums to keep the oarsmen in time from Ben-Hur, Acting Coach, Online Wellness Griftfluencer, Monolithic Pop Star, Big Brother’s perpetually clogged toilet known as Big Shitter, Conspiracy Podgrifter, Mother, Father, my shadow self with the truly baroque sword-gun and the decadent Final Fantasy villain hairstyle

All of the bullshitters all-in-one

This amalgamated whatsit says to me

As I’m burning

It says to me

“You’re fine. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

I say, “Help me! I’m burning! I’m in pain!”

“Well, you’re just lying there feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I’m burning! Help!”

“You gotta help yourself. You gotta make your bed. It’s all in your head.”

“ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!”

I spontaneously combust

I go nova, to put it bluntly

Before, I was burning

Now, all is burning

It’s pretty cool

The best part is when the Chimerical Amalgamated Bogus Authority Whatsit comes crashing down out of the sky

Real big explosion

Cities blown away

Impressive miniature work

Actual pyro

Just little dibs and dabs of computer graphics here and there, you don’t even notice it unless you go frame by frame

A class act

But the Amalgamated Authoritarian’s still alive

Alive, and burning

At the bottom of what appears to be the Crater of All Cities

The Great Amalgamation

The Chimera of Chimeras

Cries out

To me,

“Help us! We’re burning! There’s such pain! It’s burning us! Help!”

I start to move my mouth

I know exactly what I’m about to say

The words long written down,

It’s all in your head

Stop feeling sorry for yourselves

Make your fucking beds

Lots of howling and incoherent gibbering

The sound design on this thing is killer, dude

From out of the cacophony

Bits and pieces get some coherency around ‘em

“Didn’t I bless you . . . didn’t I change your diaper . . . didn’t I give you an achievement structure . . . didn’t I make all that hamburger helper . . . didn’t I get you those balloons for your birthday . . . didn’t I give you a mission . . . didn’t I give you a source of pride . . . didn’t I bandage your knee . . . didn’t I give you a Christmas bonus . . . didn’t I put a gun in your hand . . . didn’t I teach you three act structure . . . didn’t I show you who to kill . . . didn’t I teach you long division . . . didn’t I give you the final boss battle of all times . . . didn’t I bomb all those civilian populations overseas . . .”

Good points, all worth considering

So I do that thing

I consider ‘em

And then I call down, like, ALL of the lightning

Every hair on my body stands tall

There’s a full-on cookout down in the Crater of All Cities

In the End

It’s all revealed to be a stealth pilot for my caustic celebrity chef persona reality series

Kitchen Obliterator

It goes for, like, fifty fucking seasons, dude

I make all of the money forever

Don’t ask me to explain why

People just go for this mean TV chef thing

I don’t question it

I just spend the money

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #194:

“I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND, DONALD.” TRUMP FRUSTRATED THAT ALL PUTIN WANTED TO TALK ABOUT AT ALASKA MEETING WAS EPSTEIN.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #37:

Measles is back in the U.S.A., baby!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #193:

NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL PEDESTRIANS TO BE ABLE TO TRANSFORM INTO TALKING CARS BY 2035.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #75:

A bald philosopher tries to sell you a non-functional baldness cure.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #192:

COMMENTARY: THE DOLLAR GENERAL MAY FIGHT THE RETAIL BATTLES, BUT IT’S THE DOLLAR SARGEANTS WHO WIN THE RETAIL WAR.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #13:

Start a podcast in which every episode is exactly sixty-nine minutes of total silence. Your audience sits there, maybe a little mystified, maybe a little frustrated, and then it hits them: The true podcast lies inside my own mind!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #191:

UNBREACHED DATA BREACHES ITSELF DUE TO FOMO.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #20:

CAUTION: ROADS MAY CEASE TO EXIST NEXT 10,000 MILES . . . OR NOT. THEY MIGHT DECIDE TO DOUBLE EXIST. LET’S JUST SAY THINGS MIGHT GET A LITTLE IMPROVISATIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #190:

COSTUME SHOP ON THE VERGE OF CIVIL WAR AS GROUCHO MUSTACHES DECLARE BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 70

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #189:

HOMEBREW ATOMICS CLUB PETITIONS SUPREME COURT TO EXPAND SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTIONS TO GUARANTEE THE INDIVIDUAL CITIZEN’S RIGHT TO CREATE, STOCKPILE, AND USE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

EMERGENCE #2:

. . . you find a single sheet of paper printed front and back with the table of contents for a book . . .

. . . oh, this must’ve gotten loose from some old paperback.

You decide to write your own version of the book, extrapolated from this fugitive table of contents . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #188:

INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE: THE BURNING GHOST OF EPSTEIN CONFIRMS THAT HELL IS ONE BIG GOLF RESORT.