WELCOME, HEPCATS, TO THE HEADLINES: “WE DO NOT APPROVE OF ANY DANCING.” TRUMP’S POLLING AMONG PRIMITIVE BAPTISTS AT AN ALL TIME LOW . . . HOLLOWED OUT PARODY OF A MAN LABELLED AS ‘MARCO RUBIO’ SIGHTED IN SQUALID CORNER OF MAR-A-LAGO MUMBLING LIES AND EVASIONS TO HIMSELF AS PRACTICE FOR WHEN HE IS REQUIRED TO MUMBLE LIES AND EVASIONS TO JOURNALISTS ON BEHALF OF HIS TRUE MASTER . . . I.C.E. DEATH SQUAD’S MEN’S CHOIR TO PERFORM AT KENNEDY CENTER . . . TRUMP’S RAGGED VOICE AND INABILITY TO STAY AWAKE DURING PUBLIC EVENTS HAS LED MANY TO ASK IF BUBBA’S BACK ON THE SCENE KEEPING THE PRESIDENT UP ALL NIGHT . . . “IT’S KIND OF A CLOUD V. SEPHIROTH THING, ISN’T IT?” HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN CONFIDENT THAT HE’S THE REALITY AND EX-BESTIE TRUMP IS BUT A DREAM . . .
Sunday, January 11, 2026
Saturday, January 10, 2026
YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #91:
The studio backed glass mastered DVD that insists on a CD-style jewel case in order to evoke “DVD-R vibes.”
Friday, January 9, 2026
ZONE OF ENEMY #4: PRODUCTS MAN
He’s hiding behind the products on the shelves.
He calls you mean names when you purchase the cheaper generics.
He’s there, inside your house, constantly reminding you that the things you buy will soon enough be consumed.
He’s constantly mocking you for not having a strong enough personal brand identity.
He nonstop shits on you when you start taking an interest in politics or climate change or the arts.
He’s in your backseat reading off the total miles you’ve put on your car, and then he’s asking if you hear that weird noise your engine’s making.
He catches you reading a book, asks why you aren’t on your grind, or at the very least why aren’t you reading a book on day trading or cultivating hustle mentality by a modern re-interpretation of the Stoics.
He’s cheering you on as you contemplate dropping six figures to win a mint-in-box Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Technodrome Playset from an online auction.
He’s whispering in your ear about how everyone wants to rob your shit, and how you need a gun and a fully automated surveillance apparatus and a dozen ex-Special Forces operators on staff and you better start praying to a newer, tougher god who only throws lightning bolts in your fuckin’ name and how you probably need to install a private prison facility in your basement and you really oughta take more seriously the concept of individual atomics as a proper expression of personal autonomy.
He’s shocked when you’re fed up with his bullshit, and you slap him around, and force him into becoming a goofy, decorative lawn scarecrow for a couple months around Halloween.
He’s off on a Goop-a-like branded luxury existence kick which you think sucks and is boring but you do have some fun trying to make that weird egg-shaped thing fit someplace.
He’s really getting into philosophy by offering Monetary Stoicism courses online which ends up being about as tedious as it sounds but you figure you’ll loosen that leash a bit, let him get it out of his system.
He asks you one day if there’s anything more to this life and you laugh in his face and then suddenly you’re yelling and angry and you even break some shit which gets you even more yelling and angry and then he backs down, apologizes, and everything is (NOT) all right. So it’s fine.
He’s horrified to find himself in the shape of a novelty birthday cake and it’s not even your birthday but actually every day is your birthday now and you’re nonstop winning all those online auctions for all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures, playsets, autographed comic books, camera ready props’n’costumes from the live action movie versions, you’re even able to hire one of the aging, underemployed actors to record your voicemail greeting so they can afford that coronary bypass they’ve been putting off-you’re such an angel!
He tries to make it right at the last minute by gently suggesting you enjoy the things you already have instead of obsessively accumulating more shit that you scarcely have time to take out of the shipping boxes let alone fully appreciate.
He cowers in the corner of your totally trashed hoarder's mansion as you yell and spit and foam and beat him with a belt for giving you your ultimate, inescapable purpose in this life.
He wonders why he ever existed in the first place.
He’s appalled to find himself staring back at you when you look into the mirror.
He’s trapped behind a shattered mirror even as police and emergency rescue personnel breach the front doors to investigate a gunshot and a terrible smell coming from within the paradoxically cluttered yet orderly depths.
He’s strangely accepting of the firestorm that destroys the cracked mirror, himself, and all trace of the long abandoned hoarder’s mansion-didn’t he get on your ass about wasting time watching all that climate stuff on TV . . . what was that all about, eh?
He’s Products Man.
He’s gone.
He’s back again.
He’s out there.
He’s in you.
He’ll outlive you.
He’ll die before his time.
He is reborn.
He’ll hate you when they figure out how to mass produce you.
He’ll grudgingly admit you’re more of a Products Man than he ever was at his best.
He’ll get over it.
He tries all kinds of weird side projects.
He’s always back in his proper place.
He never really wanted to do anything else with his life . . . except when things get bad.
Thursday, January 8, 2026
Wednesday, January 7, 2026
PLACES YOU CAN GO #1:
There's a warehouse stacked floor-to-ceiling with books that feature cover/jacket/page blurbs from Neil Gaiman.
So, if you were wondering where all of those things went . . .
Tuesday, January 6, 2026
Monday, January 5, 2026
FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #27:
John Carpenter’s The Carpenter
Starring Sabrina Carpenter
Featuring music by the Carpenters
It’ll clear a billion opening weekend.
Easy money!
Sunday, January 4, 2026
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #226:
GANGSTER NEWS UPDATES: TRUMP MAFIA TO EXPAND ITS DOMINION TO INCLUDE VENEZUELAN OIL RESERVES . . . XI MOB EXPECTED TO INCORPORATE TAIWAN . . . PUTIN HOODLUMS STILL LEANING ON UKRAINE . . . THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL COMMENTARY IS FROM NONE OTHER THAN THE GHOST OF AL CAPONE. WE MUST PROVIDE A WARNING FOR AUDIO SENSITIVE LISTENERS AS CAPONE COMMUNICATES VIA A PIERCINGLY INTENSE WAIL GENERATED BY HIS ETERNAL GRAVEBOUND SPINNING MOTION . . .
Saturday, January 3, 2026
F.A.Q. #26:
Q: Who is your favorite comic book superhero?
A: The early iterations of the Incredible Hulk. He was weird and angry and all over the map. He fought the Communists, he fought the U.S. government, he fought superheroes, he fought supervillains, he fought himself, he was all kinds of mad at a world he never made.
Friday, January 2, 2026
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #225:
TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISHING RESEARCH FUNDING FOR TREATMENT AND PREVENTION OF MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME.
Thursday, January 1, 2026
LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #45:
REMEMBER: IF YOU VOTE FOR PEOPLE WHO PROMISE TO BURN DOWN YOUR GOVERNMENT YOU WILL LIKELY HAVE A BURNING GOVERNMENT ON YOUR HANDS. CHOOSE CAREFULLY.
Wednesday, December 31, 2025
2025 STAFF ROLL PLAYLIST
Many roads lead to the burning house . . .
Knight Man Stage/Yuko Takehara (Mega Man 6 NES OST)
Monkey Magic/Godiego (Monkey Magic OST)
House on Fire/Girls on Film
Kevorkian/Public Enemy
This Is The Life/ “Weird Al” Yankovic
Black Inferno/Guido & Maurizio De Angelis (Raiders of Atlantis OST)
Shakedown/Bob Seeger (Beverly Hills Cop II OST)
City of Crime/Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks (Dragnet OST)
Dare To Be Stupid/ “Weird Al” Yankovic
Playin’ Dumb/Tchotchke
Dunning Kruger’s Loser Cruiser/Tropical Fuck Storm
The Big Rock Candy Mountains/Harry McClintock
Iris Out/Kenshi Yonezu (Chainsaw Man-The Movie: Reze Arc OST)
Citizens On Patrol/Michael Winslow & the L.A. Dream Team (Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol OST)
Call Any Vegetable/Frank Zappa
Sutekh’s Lair Theme/Marshall Parker (Nightshade NES OST)
Blastfighter Theme/Fabio Frizzi (Blastfighter OST)
Dance or Die/Peter Aykroyd & Pat Thrall (Dragnet OST)
It’s a Dog’s Breakfast (For LR)/The Paranoid Style
Jurassic Park/ “Weird Al” Yankovic
Muneyake Bar/Shinobu Amayake (Omega 6: The Triangle Stars OST)
The burning house leads to many roads . . .
BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #94:
Does Santa Claus celebrate Christmas, or is he like, “Dude, this shit is my fucking job. I’m working. I ain’t celebrating shit!” ?
Or maybe Santa celebrates some bizarre, secret Clausian holiday that maybe only him and the elves and the reindeer and a select group of insiders know about?
Who else is in the know?
Mothman? Chupacabra? The Men in Black? The Mad Gasser of Mattoon? Spring-Heeled Jack? The Jersey Devil? Nessie? The probe-happy Greys? Mulder’n’Scully? A scholarly cartoon owl? That dude that wrote all those books about urban legends in the 1980s and 1990s? That dude who wrote that ‘End of History’ book? What about the other dude who wrote that book about Generation X with all the vocabulary words in the margins? Is the Flatwoods Monster in the know? Was the Flatwoods Monster the one who wrote that Generation X book?
Hey, I’m just one of these Inquiring Minds you hear about.
Tuesday, December 30, 2025
NOTIONAL HEADLINE #224:
NEW RESEARCH OUT THIS WEEK SUGGESTS THAT A BADGE MAY BE A METASTATIC FORM OF A DESIRE FOR THINGS TO MAKE SENSE.