Absolute darkness.
Interminable stretch of time.
You hear many things.
Perhaps it is just the settling of the foundations of the Worldaround Theatre.
And then there is a voice.
Could it be your own voice?
Lights A-Blaze!
You see the magnificent figure of blogger and sex god William D. Tucker slouched impudently upon a throne of immaculately lacquered human skulls, his right leg hitched up over an elaborately morbid armrest. His luscious dark brown hair cascades down upon his body in a kind of all-encompassing robe of wavy sensuality. His pitiless eyes gaze at you with a kind of wanton contempt as if to say, "Yes. You'll suffice for some sport."
All of this seems to be exquisitely poised upon the surface of a night-dark lake, indicated only by a hypnotic pattern of ripples seemingly generated by a strange hover effect emanating from the base of the skull throne.
The blogging sex god speaks . . .
WDT: Hello. As you can see, I have all of the hair. I'm literally clothed in it. But many men are not so fortunate as I, not so-
-a cruel smile veering into a sneer-
WDT:-blessed. Many men are afflicted with varying degrees of baldness; and therefore varying degrees of shame. Who can say for sure what the full effects of this baldy shame are upon the hearts of men, however it is telling, is it not, that we live in an age of many so-called cures for baldness. Most of these are purest snake oil. An advertisement such as this is meant to make you feel naked, inadequate, totally vulnerable in your baldy exposure to the world. Which brings me to the product at hand-
A desperate baldy man comes splashing through the lake of shadows, rapidly running a toothbrush back and forth across his hairless scalp, muttering furiously and nonsensically to himself.
WDT:-NON-FUNCTIONAL BALDNESS CURE.
William holds up a toothbrush. Just a plastic toothbrush you would buy at a chain big box store.
WDT: Just rub this all over your baldy shit, and your baldness shall persist with nary a hitch. Not a single hair shall grow. Not a one.
The desperate baldy man rubs away at his scalp with the toothbrush.
WDT: Take it from a magnificently hairy man such as myself. I've never used NON-FUNCTIONAL BALDNESS CURE in my life.
The desperate baldy man brushes and brushes away at his scalp. A seam forms in the hairless flesh. The seam parts to reveal a set of pearlescent white teeth. The desperate baldy man starts brushing his newly birthed choppers.
WDT: Well, holy shit!
Giant, blindingly white teeth clamp down on the universe with a rather overdone chomp sound effect.
