BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #81:

Is it all right if I switch on my selective hearing for the holiday season?

So many incoming messages . . . can’t I have just a little bit of discretion in terms of choosing what to ignore and what to respond to?

Or maybe I can just have one all-purpose answer for all messages like the religious folks do with their stuff and how that allows them to be all self-righteous and superior and not pay taxes even as they erode the separation of church and state and all that?

That could really work for me, actually.

I’d totally go for that.

Like, if I became the church and the state all in one, you know.

Why shouldn’t I be Number One?

I got ideas.

I got a vision.

I even got some spunk I’ve been saving up.

Put me in, coach!

MANDATORY RULE #13:

If you sell Godzilla merchandise-action figures, plushies, board games, model kits, statues, body pillows, inflatable standees-then you are now required to also sell Godzilla movies on DVD and blu-ray.

We have people buying the merch who have never even seen the original Gojira. 

This is unacceptable. 

Therefore, I impose a new Mandatory Rule.

By my command.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 35

 

NEW MERCH #4:

Presenting

AMNESIA DOG

The cuddliest cure for ambition.

Who needs conquest when you have a wriggling-brindled-pitbull-shaped bundle of joy in your lap?

Even as you scratch its crown, knead its flank, and endure its tongue upon your cheek your armies and flags and speeches and flags and propaganda and bootlicking ministers fade from your consciousness.

A pitbull nuzzles your ear, telepathically whispering, It’s my empire, now, asshole!

Soon enough, you’re hammering swords into liver treats processing plants.

All tanks are to be converted into mobile food and water bowls.

All bombers and fighters shall be retasked to conduct air drops of canine ice cream supplies.

You issue a decree that requires all citizens to give pets and scratchies to all doggos at all times.

In the fullness of time, you retask your Imperial Guard to conduct elite dog walker missions. 

You crown yourself Sovereign of Driving Doggos to Be On Time For Veterinary Checkups, Shots, and Luxury Grooming Appointments.

In the back of your mind a tiny shrill voice cries out for slaughter, fire, and fury . . . but it gets harder to make out what exactly it’s saying day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second . . .

AMNESIA DOG

The cuddliest cure for ambition.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #133:

MIND AND BODY DECLARE TEMPORARY WEEKEND CEASEFIRE AS BOTH SIDES AGREE TO ABUSE THEMSELVES WITH COPIOUS QUANTITIES OF ALCOHOL, CIGARETTES, MCDONALD’S DRIVE THRU, AND POST-INDULGENCE SHAME SPIRAL; CONFLICT SET TO RESUME MONDAY.

THINGS NEVER SAID #25:

“He’s basically the MySpace Tom of international liver treats manufacturing. So watch your ass, Big Dawg!”

THE NEW SIGNAGE #1:

BIKES MERGE INTO BIKETRON.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #41:

The nihilistic thoracic surgeon who gets the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s seven mornings out of seven.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #27:

Mysterious Music That Plays Near The End Of The Episode Right As You Discover A Vital Clue And That Just Keeps Playing Over The Credits: Strange New World by Lucy Monostone (MPD-Psycho OST)

This is the mysterious music that plays near the end of the episode right as you discover a vital clue and that just keeps playing over the credits.

Perhaps you've been investigating a string of vampire murders across three or four episodes. You’re putting pins in the map when you realize that all of the murders form the image of a giant bat spreading its wings over the city! Cue music.

Perhaps you’re working the case of the big data hack. You’ve finally diagnosed the computer virus that was used. You recognize the code as being identical to that uncovered in the Pentagon breach last episode. As the music plays, you mutter to yourself, “Now, the entire Internet could be in danger . . .”

Perhaps you’re staring into the bathroom mirror at the end of your shift. You close your eyes to shut out the horrors of the porcupine themed serial killings you’ve been working for the past five episodes. You splash water on your face. You open your eyes. For a split second your face is full of spines! You scream. And then your face is back to normal. But wait . . . you have one bloody prick on your cheek. But there are no spines anywhere on or near you. That’s when-as the music plays-it hits you: the porcupine of fear lives inside all of us . . . !

Pretty neat, right?

Yeah . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 34

 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #3:

Weave these two things together:

the feature film Dragnet (1987), a spoof of the notoriously square TV police procedural

and

the video game Shin Megami Tensei IV, a well-regarded entry in the long-running JRPG franchise.

Dragnet posits a scenario wherein a Christian fundamentalist church and a Satanic temple are two faces of one scammy operation designed to keep the Vast Squishy Middle of the American public in a constant state of moral panic.

SMT IV puts the player into a sword-and-sorcery world divided between the Law of authoritarian angels and the Chaos of hyper-individualist devils with humanity as both the battlefield and the prize.

Both Dragnet and SMTIV seem to strongly encourage critical thinking and skepticism of bogus political and religious authorities on the part of the audience.

Humanity ought to be an end unto itself, and not the pawn of Heaven, Hell, religions, governments, etc.

Humans created governments, religions, gods, and devils-shouldn’t they work for us? If not . . . why permit them to exist? Why continue to submit to bullshit authority figures? It’s something worth thinking about.

I guess I’m imagining Dragnet DLC for SMTIV-a comedy module to enliven an otherwise serious, apocalyptic JRPG.

That could be something.

MANDATORY RULE #12:

Author bios must be printed inside the actual book.

You can print them on the dust jacket, too, if you want, but they absolutely must also be printed within the book itself.

If you merely print them on the dust jacket while failing to have them inside the actual book . . . there will be consequences.

If you choose not to print an author bio anywhere at all . . . then fine. I’ll accept that.

But you can’t have “dust jacket exclusive” content. The book itself must have all of the stuff.

Understand?

Good.

I’m glad we could have this clarification session.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #17:

Every video game advertised in YouTube ads or in sponsored ads read out by YouTubers within the body of their content look like total, scammy junk-zero exceptions. 

It’s kind of impressive, actually, to look that shitty pretty much 100% of the time.

How do they do it?

The people who make these games that have such a uniformly craptastic, scammy vibe to ‘em, I mean.

Are they born with it?

Is it that Maybelline stuff?

I’m actually quite curious.

OCCLUSION #6:

A secret official history

of the Justice Prevailers

the heroic lineage of the metamorphic warriors what went around blowing up all those dead malls full up with slimy, rubbery monsters-of-the-week born of the failed dreams of yesteryear’s compulsive consumers’ pathologies

freshly unearthed

giving the lie

to the widely circulated officially authorized public history of the Justice Prevailers

it fucked everything up

in theory

it made everything more complicated

in theory

illustrating with obsessively detailed insider accounts just how unregulated and corrupt and messy and confused and bitchy and backstabby and self-mythologizing and addicted to fighting for the sake of fighting and strung out on every kind of drug and deeply contemptuous of everyday people and paranoid and obsessed with acquiring more power and obsessed with stockpiling ever more destructive arsenals of ultratech weapons the Justice Prevailers actually were

in theory

people would read this stuff, and give a shit

in practice

people weren’t much for moderating their doomscrolling to read thousands of pages of boring-as-fuck words

in practice

much of the nuance got paved over

those who sought the destruction of the Justice Prevailers in the name of nostalgic defenses of enclosed shopping mausoleums continued to seek their destruction

and 

those that professed undying faith in the Justice Prevailers as the harbingers of creative destruction simply ignored the unflattering passages

so

in practice

the two broadly construed opposing factions 

ended up believing what they already believed even harder

which was fine

having the two factions pound skulls

generated lots of merch sales

and when the big budget based on a True Story Hollywood movie got squirted onto screens

it did okay

if only that budget didn’t get so out of hand

officially

sure

it was Number One

for a weekend

but the profit

heh

the profit was more of a Notional

as per industry standards

but the right executive people made the right kind of money

even if the final deliverable ultimately bankrupted a studio, put twelve special effects houses out of business due to burdensome contracts that tripled their workloads without concomitant pay increases, failed to impress critics, and constricted the overall economic space of viability for filmmakers of all budgets

hey . . . it was a pretty good movie

like to watch

not so much to think on

not one to be remembered

just a fling

no matter the true costs

which the Vast Squishy Middle types who make up the majority audience

aren’t even aware of

and so a set of images and notions about the Justice Prevailers

prevailed

and look you

what’s shambling our way

new monsters-of-the-week aborning

from the frustrated desires

of a culture writhing in despair

as they realize they cannot consume their way to happiness

but we still have the Prevailers

ready to kick ass, raise hell, make a big scene

take our minds off the despair focus

hell, I’m sure they’ll get around to knocking ol’ Despair Itself through a brick wall

that would be a cool scene for sure

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#6)

(squelchsquelchsquelch)

. . . and then the slimy Congressional Florida Man resigned from office to avoid being censured for sex trafficking underage girls, to finally quit serving a population he secretly loathed with all of his heart, and shift his focus towards a future run for the White House.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #132:

OPINION: AMERICAN VOTERS HAVE REJECTED THE FAILED POLICIES OF JOE BIDEN AS A PRELUDE TO THEIR EVENTUAL REJECTION OF THE FAILED POLICIES OF DONALD TRUMP . . . AND THEN, LIKE, Y’KNOW . . . TURTLES, TURTLES, TURTLES . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 33

 

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #40:

A defense contractor who sings the praises of Ayn Rand while receiving massive subsidies from the federal government.

SOLAR TAKE #5:

This one’s for all the demons.

If you’re not using the Dart Board Method to decide who to possess next, you’re not really living, are you?

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#5)

(zipzapzop)

. . . and then everybody blew their lines despite extensive rehearsals, warm-ups, and verbal abuse from the director.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #131:

LETHAL CLIMATE CHANGE DECLARES VICTORY OVER HUMAN RACE, THANKS ITS CHIEF COLLABORATOR CAPITALISM, AND PROMISES TO EXPAND SUMMER HEAT DOMES TO COVER FALL, WINTER, AND SPRING SEASONS IN COMING YEARS.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #26:

Police Brutality and Corruption Montage: Too Much Monkey Business by Chuck Berry

A corrupt life lived and died in rat-a-tat-tat montage. Here you go. Tampering with evidence. Boosting drugs from the secure locker for an orgy billed as overtime to the taxpayers. Planting narcotics on people. Beatings. Moonlighting as a debt collector. Sleeping out a patrol shift in a cheap motel while still on the taxpayer’s dime. Shootings. Straight-up assassinations. Planting hold-out pieces. Earning extra income working as a bodyguard for some politician. Assassinating drug dealers as a masked vigilante. Assuming control of the local drug trade to set yourself up as a slumlord, and to pay for yachts, sports cars, Ivy League tuition, and hiring on your own 24/7 corner crews to expand the franchise. Using police vehicles to chauffeur narco smugglers, gun runners, and sex workers hired by council members and judges. Working as a bagman going between Supreme Court justices and Dark Money puppet masters. Installing car bombs to sort out star mob witnesses. Doing some arson to collect insurance cheddar off those slum tenements you bought. And, finally, getting your head blown off by someone you never saw coming because when you’re having this much fun you can’t help but step on all of the toes all of the time. Might have been revenge, might have just been someone else in the game who hated your guts for having all of the fun all of the time. People get petty. People get mean. And then it’s all done. Those Chuck Berry songs tend to keep it short and sweet.

THE NEW DREAM #33:

stepping carefully through total darkness

debris, obstructions, junk, boxes packed with whoknowswhat

banging my knees

catching my toes against an unyielding corner, wrenching them out to a wrong angle

I stumble and fall right onto my face

keep getting tangled up in wires

walking for miles and miles

‘til a screen lights up

fills my sight

scrolling, searching, self-diagnosing

“find a steep hill, ascend until you heal or you can no longer move”

the perils of AI search results online

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 32

 

NO WORRIES . . . (#2)

. . . if you’re unhappy with the results of the U.S. Presidential election.

Neither Democrat nor Republican offered a substantial program to address the dangerous global heating that will only get worse going forward, summer after summer, until the only season left is Heat Dome Summer.

Just look up the numbers of people killed by the horrific heat waves.

Just think about the mega-fires out West, and the supercharged hurricane seasons.

Republicans have solidified themselves as climate science denialists.

Democrats acknowledge the science while also touting the US’s record production of fossil fuels whose carbon pollution directly contributes to an array of destructive global warming effects.

Neither party seems serious about addressing the problem, and neither does a substantial part of the electorate, judging by the vote totals and polling data about why people are supporting whichever candidate.

We’ve decided that we prefer the brutal arena of the Heat Dome here in America over everything else.

Now, we’ll all have to figure out how to live with that choice-how to survive it, when you think about it.

Personally, I plan on scheduling automated alerts on my phone so I can “remember to hydrate.”

That’ll do it.

So no worries.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #16:

If your city hosted a Trump rally this past election cycle don’t expect to get paid.

At best, you can look forward to concepts of getting paid.

FOR WANT OF A NAIL . . . (#4)

(mumblemumblemumble) 

. . . and then everybody got their indie rock albums into major retailers only to be promptly forgotten within a year.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #130:

“YOU KNOW, WE COULD’VE USED THOSE BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN” ANONYMOUS TRUMP CAMPAIGN INSIDER EXPRESSES REGRET OVER ALIENATING MITT ROMNEY.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #129:

CONTROVERSY IN THE WORLD OF NEO-HEGELIAN DIALECTICS ERUPTS AS SCHOLARS BATTLE OVER WHICH IS THE THESIS AND WHICH IS THE ANTITHESIS: JASON VORHEES OR FREDDY KREUGER; ALIEN OR PREDATOR; GODZILLA OR KING KONG; BATMAN OR JOKER; BOXERS OR BRIEFS; GRANNY OR THONG; TRADITIONAL MCDONALD’S QUARTER POUNDERS OR NEW STYLE E. COLI ENHANCED QUARTER POUNDERS; WITH PEANUTS OR WITHOUT-YOU GET THE IDEA . . . OR MAYBE YOU DON’T . . . BUT NOW YOU HAVE A NEW IDEA . . . EVEN IF IT CONTAINS BITS OF THE OLD IDEA . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #31:

BEWARE: A KING DICTATES WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG. IF YOU DECIDE TO WORK FOR A KING THEY MAY BETRAY YOU AT ANY TIME, SINCE THEY ARE EMPOWERED TO CHANGE WHAT’S RIGHT AND WHAT’S WRONG TO SUIT THEIR WHIMS.