NOTIONAL HEADLINE #174:

NEW POLLING INDICATES WAVE OF NOSTALGIA FOR LETTERMAN’S 1990s ERA BUTTAFUOCO JOKES.

F.A.Q. #17:

Q: What is your favorite martial arts movie?

A: Beach of the War Gods.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #71:

A true friend in the depths of Hell.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#7)

. . . for failing the stealth mission. Those mobs of adoring fans are, like, totally emergent. I keep telling ‘em to stay home when I’m out on a sneak-a-deak, but they can’t help themselves. And it’s not their fault. I’ve struggled for years with being diagnosed as irresistible. ‘Tis a cruel fate.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #34:

Trump and Epstein sure liked to party . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 67

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #173:

NEW TRUMP TARIFF POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT CONSISTS OF HIM FANNING HIS LIPS WITH HIS FINGER TO MAKE GIBBERISH NOISES. TOP ECONOMISTS SAY THIS IS A MARKED IMPROVEMENT UPON PREVIOUS FAILURES BY TRUMP TO STRIKE NEW TRADE DEALS EVEN IF IT IS SHORT ON ACTIONABLE SPECIFICS. HOWEVER, SOME HEALTH EXPERTS HAVE EXPRESSED CONCERNS OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE PRESIDENT WAS USING A RON DESANTIS STYLE “FUDGE FINGER” DURING THE ANNOUNCEMENT . . . 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #11:

Darth Vader as a giallo villain.

F.A.Q. #16:

Q: Which video game should be adapted as a disappointing big budget movie?

A: Metal Slug. I would recommend Sylvester Stallone for director. He could apply the same bullet-riddled style he used for the fourth Rambo flick which always gave me Contra vibes but could be tweaked into Metal Slug territory with a little effort.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #70:

Taking a multivitamin so you can manage a multifamily property.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #31:

Theme of Realizing YOU are the Most Special: Overture by Miklos Rozsa (El Cid OST)

You could be alone or in a crowd.

You could be spending wholesome time with family or painting the town red with friends.

You could be at work or at play.

You might be waking up in your bed or rising from your grave.

You could be stuck in bumperlock traffic or large and in charge of the cockpit of a commercial plane.

You could be at your most unmasked or buried so deep under theatrics that you barely remember your own name.

You could be luxuriating in feast or suffering famine.

You could be waging a forever war or maintaining the most fragile peace.

But once you hear this music . . . well . . . there’s this blazing certainty that ignites inside your chest.

Maybe you should’ve gone easy on your weekend hot dog eating contest action.

Maybe you’re about to spontaneously combust. 

But maybe, just maybe . . . you’re just manifesting your solar self, your imperial self, your most consequential self.

Before, you were eating hot dogs in the hope that you could get so large that the sun never sets on you.

Now, you are the Sun Itself.

The music lets you know for sure.

Otherwise, you might think you’re just having a Starbucks Basic psychotic break with reality. 

The music is helpful this way.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #33:

The Trump tariff letters are both stupid and embarrassing.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 66

 

FRESH (HELL) TRANSLATIONS #4:

A fan re-dub of Air Force One that changes Harrison Ford’s signature one-liner from “Get off my plane” to “Get off my lawn.”

That’s the only detectable change.

Though there are rumors online that there’s a version that also swaps out Jerry Goldsmith’s score for Danny Elfman’s score from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but this is unconfirmed as of this writing.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#2)

. . . when you don’t Ouija board with them on the regular, and then they’re super passive-aggressive towards you when you finally do get in touch.

Ghosts complain.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #19:

FEELING LIKE YOU NEED TO URINATE NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #69:

A pack of cigarettes branded with an illustration of a pack of wolves.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #172:

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA REBRANDS AS A FAILED TRUMP CASINO . . . THEOLOGIANS DISCOVER FIFTH HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE KNOWN AS ‘THE GAMBLER’ . . . “I’M AFTER THAT SENSE OF EARNED ACHIEVEMENT, MY DUDE” CLIMATE INFERNO, IN A REVEALING PODGRIFT INTERVIEW WHILE DOSED WITH A SLAMMING MIX OF KETAMINE AND AYAHUASCA, EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT THAT HUMANITY MAKES IT TOO DAMN EASY TO LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #10:

PDA = Public Display of Affection

+

BDA = Battle Damage Assessment

=

PDBDA = Public Display of Battle Damage Affection

. . . militarized dating trends having a moment . . . ?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 65

 

THE NEW SIGNAGE #18:

RULE-OF-LAW OPTIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #39:

ONLY MONDAY’S MASTER CAN RESIST THE POWER OF THE AMNESIA DOGS.