BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #89:

What do I do if I run out of questions?

I guess I should stock up, right?

But what if I prefer to live in the moment and not worry about the future?

Maybe I should cultivate a little question farm, so I could grow my own, eh?

But what if question farming activities end up becoming a chore by consuming all my free time?

Or, alternatively, question farming ends up being the only thing I enjoy thereby displacing all other concerns and activities?

What if I ask so many questions I end up asking everybody else’s questions-what then?

Would people resent my greed or hail me as a hero?

What if I became a Question Tyrant and cruelly oppressed all other Questioners?

What if I became so obsessed with attaining Supreme Question Power that I even started competing with myself to the point where I ordered my secret police to throw me into a hellish torture dungeon even as I ordered the executions of those same secret police goons for committing treason against me?

What if things got really out of hand?

Would getting a stress squeeze ball help me deal with shit?

Would getting two stress squeeze balls-one for each hand-double up my relaxation?

What if I installed extra hands attached to extra arms so I could squeeze a dozen or more stress squeeze balls?

Is there credible science behind the presumed benefits of a stress squeeze ball or is the medical-therapeutic terrain contested?

Maybe a high stress lifestyle works for me, keeps me sharp, keeps me grinding, why would I want to dull my edge?

What if, in the end, the stress squeeze balls are the true enemy?

What if, after the end, I am defeated and displaced by the stress squeeze balls?

What if, as a new beginning, the stress squeeze balls start squeezing me-and would that mean we’ve gone Full Soviet Russia?

What then . . .?!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #178:

HOME MEDIA HYPE REPORT: UNCUT EPSTEIN JAIL TAPE TO BE RELEASED ON 4K UHD BY CRITERION IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. SPECIAL FEATURES ALLEGEDLY INCLUDE ALTERNATE ‘ALIEN AUTOPSY’ CUT; AN ALL-STAR COMMENTARY TRACK FEATURING BILL CLINTON, KEVIN SPACEY, NOAM CHOMSKY, AND DONALD TRUMP; A VIDEO ESSAY BY ONE OF JOE ROGAN’S UNPAID INTERNS; AND A SCALE BOOKLET REPRODUCTION OF BAWDY BIRTHDAY LETTERS LAVISHLY ILLUSTRATED BY DONALD TRUMP.

THINGS NEVER SAID #45:

“My major influences are 1990s Buttafuoco Joke Letterman combined with Serious Evening Political Commentary Show Rebrand Grodin with a consciousness of Fortress Y2K Mentality. When combined I call my personal aesthetic Apocalyptic Neo-Buttafuoco.”

SIMPLE PLEASURES #13:

Reading a 1990s Shadowrun novel while listening to the Shadowrun SNES OST.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #36:

Trump sure is determined to nag and browbeat people into believing that he was never close friends with Epstein . . .

MANDATORY RULE #16:

All TV shows-whether they be scripted or unscripted, fictional or non-fictional-must include an episode dealing with a plant monster of some kind.

Huge, elaborate creatures incorporating animatronics, puppetry, and pyrotechnics are encouraged, but an actor in a cheap monster suit is minimally acceptable if that’s all a given production can afford.

This I command!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #72:

Clipped coupons in revolt.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #177:

“MAYBE DONALD COULD PLAY SHUFFLE BALL OR SOMETHING. MAYBE BINGO.” GOLF DISTANCES ITSELF FROM EPSTEIN BESTIE TRUMP AS THE POPULAR SPORT’S REPUTATION SUFFERS BY ASSOCIATION WITH THE CORRUPTION, CRIMINALITY, AND INCOMPETENCE OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

THINGS NEVER SAID #44:

“Most people have a bowel movement. I launch a squelchy blast of logs. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but . . . my way is clearly superior.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #176:

NEW POLLING INDICATES GROWING NOSTALGIA FOR A PAST ERA IN WHICH IT WAS OKAY TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #35:

It’s hard to do things. With stuff. On account of the effort involved.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #175:

UPTICK IN BILLIONAIRE-ON-BILLIONAIRE VIOLENCE AS SOUTH PARK SATIRIZES EPSTEIN INTIMATE TRUMP.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 68

 

SPECULATIVE WEAPONS DIVISION #1:

LOW-BUDGET DRACULA METAMORPHOSIS BEAM

When you zap the enemy with this person-portable raygun your target will immediately transform into a low-budget Dracula in a poor quality seasonal pop-up store costume complete with pancake makeup and unconvincing fangs.

Once the target has been Dracula-ized you may then splash them with tap water which they will conveniently believe to be holy water. Puffs of magician smoke will be released from gags pre-positioned inside their costume, and they will writhe and howl and generally overact as though being burned by blessed fluids as per popular vampire lore. At some point, they will fall on their back, at which juncture you may drive a stake through their heart. 

Once staked, your Dracula-ized target will spurt red corn syrup from their wound, and then crumble to dust in a creative, if not entirely convincing, special effects sequence mostly accomplished through edits but the last bit with the fanged vampire skull rapidly disintegrating into bone dust is somewhat memorable.

If you have completely run out of conventional munitions and bayonets then Low-Budget Dracula Metamorphosis Beam may offer an acceptable solution to your emergent combat needs.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #174:

NEW POLLING INDICATES WAVE OF NOSTALGIA FOR LETTERMAN’S 1990s ERA BUTTAFUOCO JOKES.

F.A.Q. #17:

Q: What is your favorite martial arts movie?

A: Beach of the War Gods.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #71:

A true friend in the depths of Hell.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#7)

. . . for failing the stealth mission. Those mobs of adoring fans are, like, totally emergent. I keep telling ‘em to stay home when I’m out on a sneak-a-deak, but they can’t help themselves. And it’s not their fault. I’ve struggled for years with being diagnosed as irresistible. ‘Tis a cruel fate.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #34:

Trump and Epstein sure liked to party . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 67

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #173:

NEW TRUMP TARIFF POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT CONSISTS OF HIM FANNING HIS LIPS WITH HIS FINGER TO MAKE GIBBERISH NOISES. TOP ECONOMISTS SAY THIS IS A MARKED IMPROVEMENT UPON PREVIOUS FAILURES BY TRUMP TO STRIKE NEW TRADE DEALS EVEN IF IT IS SHORT ON ACTIONABLE SPECIFICS. HOWEVER, SOME HEALTH EXPERTS HAVE EXPRESSED CONCERNS OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE PRESIDENT WAS USING A RON DESANTIS STYLE “FUDGE FINGER” DURING THE ANNOUNCEMENT . . . 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #11:

Darth Vader as a giallo villain.

F.A.Q. #16:

Q: Which video game should be adapted as a disappointing big budget movie?

A: Metal Slug. I would recommend Sylvester Stallone for director. He could apply the same bullet-riddled style he used for the fourth Rambo flick which always gave me Contra vibes but could be tweaked into Metal Slug territory with a little effort.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #70:

Taking a multivitamin so you can manage a multifamily property.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #31:

Theme of Realizing YOU are the Most Special: Overture by Miklos Rozsa (El Cid OST)

You could be alone or in a crowd.

You could be spending wholesome time with family or painting the town red with friends.

You could be at work or at play.

You might be waking up in your bed or rising from your grave.

You could be stuck in bumperlock traffic or large and in charge of the cockpit of a commercial plane.

You could be at your most unmasked or buried so deep under theatrics that you barely remember your own name.

You could be luxuriating in feast or suffering famine.

You could be waging a forever war or maintaining the most fragile peace.

But once you hear this music . . . well . . . there’s this blazing certainty that ignites inside your chest.

Maybe you should’ve gone easy on your weekend hot dog eating contest action.

Maybe you’re about to spontaneously combust. 

But maybe, just maybe . . . you’re just manifesting your solar self, your imperial self, your most consequential self.

Before, you were eating hot dogs in the hope that you could get so large that the sun never sets on you.

Now, you are the Sun Itself.

The music lets you know for sure.

Otherwise, you might think you’re just having a Starbucks Basic psychotic break with reality. 

The music is helpful this way.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #33:

The Trump tariff letters are both stupid and embarrassing.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 66

 

FRESH (HELL) TRANSLATIONS #4:

A fan re-dub of Air Force One that changes Harrison Ford’s signature one-liner from “Get off my plane” to “Get off my lawn.”

That’s the only detectable change.

Though there are rumors online that there’s a version that also swaps out Jerry Goldsmith’s score for Danny Elfman’s score from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but this is unconfirmed as of this writing.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#2)

. . . when you don’t Ouija board with them on the regular, and then they’re super passive-aggressive towards you when you finally do get in touch.

Ghosts complain.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #19:

FEELING LIKE YOU NEED TO URINATE NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #69:

A pack of cigarettes branded with an illustration of a pack of wolves.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #172:

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA REBRANDS AS A FAILED TRUMP CASINO . . . THEOLOGIANS DISCOVER FIFTH HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE KNOWN AS ‘THE GAMBLER’ . . . “I’M AFTER THAT SENSE OF EARNED ACHIEVEMENT, MY DUDE” CLIMATE INFERNO, IN A REVEALING PODGRIFT INTERVIEW WHILE DOSED WITH A SLAMMING MIX OF KETAMINE AND AYAHUASCA, EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT THAT HUMANITY MAKES IT TOO DAMN EASY TO LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #10:

PDA = Public Display of Affection

+

BDA = Battle Damage Assessment

=

PDBDA = Public Display of Battle Damage Affection

. . . militarized dating trends having a moment . . . ?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 65

 

THE NEW SIGNAGE #18:

RULE-OF-LAW OPTIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #39:

ONLY MONDAY’S MASTER CAN RESIST THE POWER OF THE AMNESIA DOGS.