“I would like to apologize for not being as social lately with all of you fine people, for I have been caught up in a fugue state tunnel entirely constructed out of 1990s nostalgia. This endless fantasia features dialogue scripted by David Mamet and Quentin Tarantino; cinematography by Christopher Doyle; fight choreography by Jerry Springer and Yuen Woo-ping; stop motion animation transformations by Shinya Tsukamoto; costume design by the Gap; an original theme song by Will Smith; original score by Jerry Goldsmith; catering by Subway; toilet by a vintage blue chemical Porta-Potty; a final boss battle by Sephiroth; posture of slackery quasi-defiance of authority by Ben Stiller, Kurt Cobain, and Janeane Garofalo; and flawless direction from Andy Sidaris.The curated tie-in compact disc soundtrack features hot tracks from Garbage, Smash Mouth, 2Pac, Alanis Morissette, Sonic Youth, Alice in Chains, Harvey Danger, Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra, Green Day, Shania Twain, Hole, Dinosaur Jr., Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Aimee Mann, Massive Attack, Fatboy Slim, and Vitamin C-which you can listen to on one of those keypad’n’headphones thingys at your local Sam Goodys and/or Virgin Megastore. The novelization is by Randall Boyll. The laserdisc will be put out by Criterion. The fecalware tie-in video game is by Activision. It’s the best of times, it’s the so-bad-it’s-good of times. I save the Earth from a giant space rock. Jar-Jar Binks is my computer generated sidekick. Me and Oliver Stone down some ‘shrooms while uncovering a JFK conspiracy. Mulder and Scully consult me for my expertise on Mothman and Chupacabra. I option a John Grisham novel’s movie rights. I’m no stranger to the all-u-can-eat pizza buffet. I’m setting trends when I hang out at the mall. I exclusively read airport paperbacks. People think I’m secretly Marilyn Manson. People think I’m the actual author of the latest Stephen King books. People are convinced I’m the “lost” Backstreet Boy. I give Bill Clinton public speaking lessons. I knock out Mike Tyson. People are convinced I’m the “lost” Spice Girl. I’m accused of writing Letterman’s Top Ten Lists. I’m blamed for Jay Leno’s blandness. People keep asking me why Charles Grodin got serious. There’s a rumor that I keep trying to get Tom Snyder to light up once again on camera, standards and practices be damned. I’m invited to join O.J. Simpson’s legal dream team. Bill Gates personally updates my operating system-which then becomes a satirical episode in a Douglas Coupland novel. At the peak of my fame and relevancy, I am officially mutated into a prime time Ninja Turtle Power Ranger. As a low key follow-up project I do a penetrating interview with the dude who wrote that End of History book. In my precipitous decline, my fanbase deserts me, claims I’m nothing but trash reality shows, and that I don’t even play music videos anymore. I end as I began: a living punchline. So, you know, it’s great to finally be back just in time to cash in on the current 1990s nostalgia wave . . .”
