BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #93:

Has anyone ever considered the possibility that all of the strange creatures seemingly attacking Karnov-in the video game Karnov-are actually just trying to approach him in order to ask if they can borrow his ladder?

Mytho-poetic monsters likely don’t spend a lot of time, money, or energy on mundane things like, “Oh, I gotta clear the leaves from the gutter. I need a ladder for that. Maybe I’ll talk to that Karnov fellow who is constantly whipping out his ladder. Maybe he’ll let me borrow it. Can’t hurt to ask.”

So the monsters approach Karnov. Karnov fries them with fireballs. It’s all a failure to communicate. 

Could it be that in the end Karnov is a secret sequel to Cool Hand Luke?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #219:

“SO MUCH DEPENDS UPON IT, AND YET IT HAS LET US ALL DOWN." INSPECTOR GENERAL’S REPORT FINDS RED WHEEL BARROW TO BE DERELICT IN ITS DUTIES OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS. THE REPORT GOES ON TO DETAIL HOW THE RAIN WATER HAS HAD NOTHING TO GLAZE, NOR THE CHICKENS ANYTHING TO STAND BESIDE DURING THE TIME COVERED BY THE INVESTIGATION.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #19:

Hiring a mob of people to fight each other to the death over some Black Friday sales trinkets.

Here I sit in the shadows . . .

Laughing my handsome head off . . .

Enjoying the show . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 85

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #16:

When you’re having a horrendously bitter argument with your family this Thanksgiving holiday season, switch from your main language to turkey gobbles. 

Win or lose, for the rest of their days the enemy will never forget this battle.

MANDATORY RULE #18:

All movies depicting mass destruction must include scenes depicting the clean-up process, which may take years, or even decades, or even longer if there’s no budget left to pay for it. This rule may seem restrictive, but it also opens up intriguing story possibilities. Imagine a giant monster movie that portrays gargantuan beasts leveling all of the United States including its state and federal governments, all branches of the military, and all significant economic sectors. The giant monsters do their thing, and then fade from the scene. 

Then what happens? 

People keep waiting for disaster relief but all those departments of government have been abolished by MAGA assholes. These same MAGA scumbags have also given away all the tax dollars to their slimy techbro billionaire friends. Americans are left to wander the rubblescape, wondering how it all went wrong. People just start piling stuff up not quite realizing that no one’s coming to clear it. Some folks pray. Some folks start praying to the piles of wreckage. Strong winds blow, new fires spread, and one or two giant monsters reappear. But the giant monsters get bored real quick now that there’s no military toys to play with, so they step on some rubble pile cultists, and then turn their attention towards Europe, Russia, China, and Japan. But right before it leaves, one of the giant monsters sees a bald eagle soaring through the sky. A tear rolls down the behemoth’s radioactive cheek. And then it spits a fireball at the eagle, totally incinerating it. A real tear-jerker, no?

Rules inspire creativity.

Or so I’m told.

This I command!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #30:

NOTHING BUT TRUMP DESPERATELY BLACKING OUT HIS NAME NEXT 10,000 EPSTEIN FILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #86:

A bittersweet memory of a lost routine.

If that’s too painful then it doesn’t have to be lost, it can merely be disrupted due to intrusive work demands and/or attack by robots.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #218:

“I GOT IT FOR $4.99 PLUS APPLICABLE SALES TAX FROM THE DISCOUNT DVD BIN AT BIG LOTS.” GOD OF BLOGGING WILLIAM D. TUCKER ANNOUNCED HIS PURCHASE OF WARNER-DISCOVERY ON SOCIAL THIS MORNING. DESPITE THE LOW PRICE POINT, TUCKER EXPRESSED THE FOLLOWING REGRETS: “I MEAN, LIKE, IT WAS CHEAP. BUT I COULD’VE JUST TORRENTED THE SHIT FOR FREE. A LOT OF IT I’M NOT EVEN GONNA WATCH, RIGHT? LIKE HARRY POTTER? I’M NOT A CHILD. I DON’T WATCH THAT CRAP. OR THE LATEST PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON PICTURE. I’M SORRY, BUT THE GUY’S SO PRETENTIOUS, SO TEDIOUS, ALL THE FILM PODGRIFTERS ARE FALLING FOR IT, OF COURSE. BASICALLY, I’M JUST INTO THE CAGNEY PICTURES. HAVE YOU SEEN WHITE HEAT? DUDE! THAT ENDING IS SICK-AS-FUCK!” . . . NEW ANALYSIS INDICATES PRESIDENT TRUMP’S HOARSE VOICE THIS PAST WEEK STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT BUBBA’S STILL KNOCKING THEM VOCAL CORDS LOOSE . . . GOD OF BLOGGING WILLIAM D. TUCKER HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE’LL BE TRADING WARNER-DISCOVERY TO HIS BUDDY FOR THE LIMITED EDITION DVD BOX SET OF THE SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO FEATURE FILMS . . .

F.A.Q. #24:

Q: If you could act the part of any fictional character who would it be?

A: Captain Ahab.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 84

 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #23:

Winnebago Man’s Winnebago Man versus the mysterious lady driving the rental van in Under the Skin.

If the mysterious lady can get Winnebago Man into the extra-dimensional meat processor . . . she wins.

If Winnebago Man can convince the mysterious lady she should be outraged by the machinations of Dick Cheney . . . victory is his.

Let the games begin!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #29:

NOTHING BUT NET NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #42:

The more resentful, dead-eyed helper elves you have bound howlingly to your will the higher your overall productivity output.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #217:

“YOU AND I ARE BOUND TOGETHER, DONALD!” THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN EXPRESSED GRAVE DOUBTS THAT TRUMP’S LOOMING INVASION OF VENEZUELA WOULD DO MUCH TO DISTRACT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THEIR ETERNAL BESTIESHIP. EPSTEIN FURTHER COMMENTED, “MOST AMERICANS CAN’T EVEN FIND VENEZUELA ON A FUCKING MAP, MY FRIEND . . .”

THE NEW DREAM #48:

I’m watching a movie about an American public school teacher in the 1990s

It’s almost entirely in real time

523 minutes

Of this woman straight out of college

First day in class

And she’s deluged with names

There’s, like, four hundred different kids named Jon, John, Jonathon, Johnny, John-Boy

And seven or eight hundred Catherines, Cates, Katies, Kats

Twenty-seven hundred or so Steves, Stevies, Stephens, Stefans

Three hundred Stephanies

Only one Craig, intriguingly

And about six hundred Jens, Jennys, Jennifers

Basically

Teacher lady’s struggling to remember which kid goes by which name

Of course, the little bastards start swapping names around

Teacher lady’s self control is remarkable

She’s got an iron will

Never takes the bait

I was pulling my fucking hair out

But teacher lady soldiers on to the final bell

By the end of the day she’s created new names for all those noxious little gremlins

From a new language

And she has organized them into various efficient teams

Each assigned a specialized set of tasks

One group manufactures ammunition

Another is developing an array of designer viruses

The artsy children are designing logos and propaganda posters

The computer nerds are busy hacking into the Pentagon and the White House

The science dorks are working on converting the assembly hall into an atomic pile

The model U.N. kids have been retasked to draft articles defining the parameters of an aborning breakaway republic

The little jocks are on maneuvers 

Everything’s coming together in magnificent fashion

When the final bell rings

And it’s off to the buses, you little monsters, you’ll be back to conquering the world tomorrow morning bright and early

Jump cut to later that evening: teacher lady on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Letterman

Roll credits

Now, the version of this movie I watched was actually the special collector’s edition Blu-Ray release

I don’t remember if it was on Criterion

But it had two alternate endings as special features

One is a tragic ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Leno-total bummer, right

The other is an ambiguous head scratcher ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Serious Political Commentary Grodin-really made me think about things

Overall, I give it a 7 out of 10

I was tempted to go 8 out of 10, but I was always a Tom Snyder fan, so I docked it a point

SIMPLE PLEASURES #18:

Interrupting myself with infuriating ad breaks while going about my day as though I were a YouTube video made flesh.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 83

THE NEW SIGNAGE #28:

NOTHING BUT A METAPHORICAL ALL-U-CAN-EAT COUNTRY BUFFET NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #85:

Here’s a low stress prompt. Draw the first image that pops into someone else’s mind. You don’t even have to think about this one.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #216:

NEW POLITICAL SCIENCE RESEARCH STRONGLY INDICATES THAT MOST SWING VOTERS ARE WHIMSICAL HOBOS WHO DRUNKENLY LOSE PATIENCE WITH EITHER POLITICAL PARTY WHEN IT INEVITABLY FAILS TO DELIVER THEM TO THE SUMMIT OF BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN . . . AN EXPERIMENTAL ORBITAL WEAPON MISFIRED OVER THE WEEKEND TOTALLY INCINERATING THE AUSTIN COMEDY SCENE. AN OPEN MIC PERFORMER WHO WAS AN EYEWITNESS TO THE EVENT CLAIMED, “DUDE, IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT SCENE FROM AKIRA. IT WAS SICK AS FUCK. WOULD TOTALLY DO IT AGAIN!” . . . A RECENT INVESTIGATION BY AUTHORITIES FOUND AN UPSURGE IN ILLEGAL DOWNLOADS OF POPULAR MUSIC BY ARTISTS SUCH AS LADY GAGA, BLACKPINK, GREEN DAY, BAD BUNNY, POST MALONE, DOJA CAT, AND TRAVIS SCOTT IS LIKELY ATTRIBUTABLE TO A SIZEABLE POPULATION OF DISGRUNTLED COACHELLA ATTENDEES REALIZING THEY CAN JUST DOWNLOAD THE SHIT OFF THE INTERNET FOR FREE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #22:

Chainsaw Man’s Makima vs. George Smiley from those John le Carre novels.

My guess is that Smiley keeps his cool.

But then again, Makima can be very persuasive . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #215:

CUOMO-DROID MODEL TO BE DISCONTINUED AFTER NYC MAYORAL DEFEAT.

F.A.Q. #23:

Q: Headphones or earbuds?

A: I’m wearing earbuds under the headphones.

Ye must always seek to peer beneath the surface of things!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 82

THE NEW SIGNAGE #27:

NOTHING BUT MONDAYS NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THINGS NEVER SAID #48:

“Girl, I’m in my Starbucks Basic Psychotic Break with Reality Era!”

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #32:

Theme of Gerontocracy: Jurassic Park by “Weird Al” Yankovic

The dinosaurs are running wild . . . in the Congress, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the White House . . .

Yo!

Giant Space Rock!

When you coming back?

I miss you . . .

MONDAY'S DOOR

 . . . I know, I know.

It kinda sucks.

It's a big letdown.

But now you know why it needs all that music to build it up . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #43:

PR TRAINING IS ESSENTIAL TO PREVAILING ONCE YOU REACH THE GOD LEVEL. YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR ACTUAL SELF TO BECOME YOUR IDEAL SELF, WHICH MAY HURT. DON’T THINK OF IT AS PAIN AND SUFFERING. THINK OF IT AS AUTHENTICITY LEAVING THE BODY.