I’m watching a movie about an American public school teacher in the 1990s
It’s almost entirely in real time
523 minutes
Of this woman straight out of college
First day in class
And she’s deluged with names
There’s, like, four hundred different kids named Jon, John, Jonathon, Johnny, John-Boy
And seven or eight hundred Catherines, Cates, Katies, Kats
Twenty-seven hundred or so Steves, Stevies, Stephens, Stefans
Three hundred Stephanies
Only one Craig, intriguingly
And about six hundred Jens, Jennys, Jennifers
Basically
Teacher lady’s struggling to remember which kid goes by which name
Of course, the little bastards start swapping names around
Teacher lady’s self control is remarkable
She’s got an iron will
Never takes the bait
I was pulling my fucking hair out
But teacher lady soldiers on to the final bell
By the end of the day she’s created new names for all those noxious little gremlins
From a new language
And she has organized them into various efficient teams
Each assigned a specialized set of tasks
One group manufactures ammunition
Another is developing an array of designer viruses
The artsy children are designing logos and propaganda posters
The computer nerds are busy hacking into the Pentagon and the White House
The science dorks are working on converting the assembly hall into an atomic pile
The model U.N. kids have been retasked to draft articles defining the parameters of an aborning breakaway republic
The little jocks are on maneuvers
Everything’s coming together in magnificent fashion
When the final bell rings
And it’s off to the buses, you little monsters, you’ll be back to conquering the world tomorrow morning bright and early
Jump cut to later that evening: teacher lady on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Letterman
Roll credits
Now, the version of this movie I watched was actually the special collector’s edition Blu-Ray release
I don’t remember if it was on Criterion
But it had two alternate endings as special features
One is a tragic ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Leno-total bummer, right
The other is an ambiguous head scratcher ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Serious Political Commentary Grodin-really made me think about things
Overall, I give it a 7 out of 10
I was tempted to go 8 out of 10, but I was always a Tom Snider fan, so I docked it a point
