FUN YOU CAN HAVE #34:

Put it in your contract that every human interaction-you’re getting your hair cut; you’re servicing your Big Mac Attack at the McDonald’s dine-in point-of-sale; you’ve just asked a local person for directions to the Yu-Gi-Oh tournament; you’ve just used a robot-guided water jet to carve away an enlarged prostate; you’ve just received a 20 oz. self-serve coffee cup from the person working the Panera Bread point-of-sale; you’ve just finished doing a remote interview with MS NOW or FOX or CNN fielding difficult questions about your recent Presidential Sex Scandal; you’ve just shot down the corrupt cattle baron at high noon; you’ve just taken your Swedish meatballs out of the microwave as your spouse yells at you for spending all day drunk on the couch; you’ve just nobly turned down a fan’s offer of eternal fealty after playing a perfect game of Tetris; you’ve just torn off your priest’s collar and tossed away your badge as you realize you can no longer be a priest-cop because you enjoyed gunning down the Son of Zodiac just a little too much; you’re disillusioned as the T.Rex who leads a band of talking dinosaur bikers tells you that you must not follow where they are fated to ride; you see Scarlett Johansson drive past you in a rental van without even slowing down; you go to the Winnebago Man Q&A, the event goes quite long, and they run out of time before you get to ask your question-whatever it is must end with you framed in the doorway looking back forlornly over your shoulder as you realize you’ll always be an outsider to this society of willful innocents and gutless conformists . . . and then, when it feels exactly right, you stride away towards the vanishing point-music swelling-proud’n’strong in your isolated autonomy . . . Ah, mystery! Ah, majesty!