NOTIONAL HEADLINE #273:

CONTROVERSY TODAY AS A JOINT STATEMENT ISSUED BY THE BIPARTISAN CONGRESSIONAL SIDE SLEEPER’S CAUCUS CREATED CONFUSION AND DIVISION WHICH LEFT MANY ASKING, “ARE THEY RIGHT-WING OR LEFT-WING?” TO ADD TO THE CHAOS, MANY CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS ARE KNOWN AND EVEN SELF-ADMITTED TO SLEEP ON THEIR LEFT SIDE, WHILE MANY LIBERAL AND EVEN PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRATS ARE OPEN ABOUT SLEEPING ON THEIR RIGHT SIDE BASED ON DATA COLLECTED FROM SURVEYS OF D.C. AREA SEX WORKERS, DOMINATRIXES, MISTRESSES, AND SPIES IN THE EMPLOY OF BOTH THE CHINESE AND RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE SERVICES. PERHAPS THE ULTIMATE PERPLEXITY SETS IN WHEN ONE REALIZES THAT A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER FROM BOTH PARTIES ARE UNDERSTOOD TO SWITCH FROM THEIR RIGHT SIDE TO THEIR LEFT SIDE-AND VICE VERSA-THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. WHEN ASKED ABOUT ALL THIS, PRESIDENT TRUMP LAUNCHED INTO A LONG, RAMBLING MONOLOGUE IN WHICH HE SEEMED TO ALTERNATELY DISPARAGE AND PRAISE SIDE SLEEPING AS WOKE WHILE ALSO CLAIMING TO BE “THE BIGGEST SIDE SLEEPER OF THEM ALL.” EVEN THE NORMALLY COOL HEADED WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL BEGAN TO OPENLY SNICKER AT AND HECKLE THE PRESIDENT DURING HIS SPEECH WHICH, AT FIRST, SEEMED TO ENCOURAGE MR. TRUMP TO RIFF AND YES/AND HIMSELF INTO AN EVEN DEEPER QUAGMIRE OF NONSENSICAL WORD SALAD. BY THE END OF HIS ADDRESS, THOUGH, THE PRESIDENT JUST SEEMED TO MANY TO BE SAD, LOST, AND ALONE, AS QUITE A FEW REPORTERS JUST GOT UP AND LEFT THE PRESS CONFERENCE. THOSE THAT REMAINED SEEMED LITTLE INTERESTED IN MR. TRUMP’S LOW ENERGY LIES AND EVASIONS, WITH YOUNGER POOL MEMBERS ABSORBED IN PLAYING THE OCARINA OF TIME REMAKE ON THEIR SWITCH 2s, WHILE OLDER JOURNOS GATHERED AT THE BACK TO SHOOT DICE, PITCH PENNIES, AND PLAY TEXAS HOLD ‘EM. AMONG THOSE THAT WALKED OUT YOU COULD HEAR SOME SAY, “FUCK THIS SHIT,” OR “OH, CHRIST, ARE WE DONE WITH THIS NONSENSE?!” AS THEY LEFT THE PRESS POOL, WITH A FAIR FEW PANTOMIMING SARCASTIC JERK-OFF GESTURES AS THEY EXITED THE ROOM . . . STOCKS ARE UP . . .