NOTIONAL HEADLINE #185:

GROWING TREND OF PEOPLE PREFERRING COMPACT DISCS OVER VINYL RECORDS IS ON TRACK TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR VINYL RECORDS WHICH IS PREDICTED TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR CASSETTE TAPES WHICH IS FORECAST TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR 8-TRACK TAPES WHICH MARKET ANALYSTS DETERMINE WILL BE DISPLACED BY A COMEBACK FOR COMPACT DISCS WHICH AI PROGNOSTICS INDICATE WILL LIKELY BE DISPLACED BY A RETURN TO COLLECTING VINYL RECORDS UNTIL UNCONTROLLED GLOBAL WARMING SUFFOCATES ALL POTENTIAL CONSUMERS.

SPECULATIVE WEAPONS DIVISION #2:

LITTER DEMORALIZATION SCHEME

This is an experimental weapon system designed to demoralize the enemy. It involves conspicuous littering that must be done in an aggressive manner. Basically you illegally throw your trash away in view of other people but you must do it with a devil may care attitude that gives the impression that you really-truly-deeply do not give a fuck. 

Such action on your part may trigger aggressive responses from witnesses that may even include physical interdiction and assault on your person. You must be prepared to stand your ground if you are attacked. If necessary, you may, at times, have no choice but to execute a tactical retreat, but you must never admit fault, rhetorically back down, or apologize for littering. 

If you do back down or apologize this will make you appear weak and it will de-emphasize the action of heartless littering, and in actuality it will make witnesses think that you are merely careless as opposed to heartless. Carelessness may inspire wrath but usually it also inspires the thoughts that you are just a slob, possibly an asshole of the most trifling kind. 

This is not the desired effect. 

If you do not have the will to fight then you are perhaps not suited to the litter demoralization scheme. Reassignment may be necessary. 

This is not capricious stricture. 

Theatrical heartlessness is key to the demoralization aspect of this weapon system. You should be dressed to the nines. You should be carrying yourself with runway arrogance. You’re staring people in the eyes. You’re stalking up to your target and hurling bags of garbage at them with the style and panache of a martial arts movie star. 

As litter demoralization agents fan out across the land, the enemy population begins to perceive that their fellow citizens have totally given up on trash cans and recycling bins and even landfills. Everywhere is the landfill, now, so why keep on fighting?

Some may object to the idea that this assortment of actions constitutes a weapon or weapons or weapon system. We will leave the finer details of such inquiries to the philosophers of war and the metaphysicians of weaponry. 

We feel secure in categorizing this complex of behaviors as a weapon system. Controversy always attends innovation. Profound innovation necessarily incurs profound controversy. Profound controversy necessitates furious dialectic. We do not shy away from such contests. Sometimes you must win a war to be able to fight a war.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #184:

“HE’S LARGER IN SIZE, MORE AFFLUENT, TERMINALLY ONLINE, AND LEADS A SEDENTARY, POST-HUNTER-GATHERER LIFESTYLE.” CONTROVERSY IN THE WORLD OF PALEOCONSERVATIVE STUDIES AS NEW RESEARCH INDICATES THAT DR. PHIL MAY BE THE EVOLUTIONARY DESCENDENT OF G. GORDON LIDDY.

THE NEW DREAM #45:

The Hungry Howie’s moves out

The Little Caesar’s moves in

I’m stuck where I’ve always been

The Little Caesar’s moves out

The Hungry Howie’s moves in

I’m convinced there’s a sinister plot, don’t ask me why, my Columbo Senses are tingling

Hungry Howie’s moves out bumping into Little Caesar’s as it’s just a little too eager to move in

I point and shout and jump up and down while pointing and shouting and jumping up and down

Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s start swapping in and out of the strip mall location at warp speed

Empires rise and fall but it’s fine

Hungry Howie’s occasionally thinks it’s Little Caesar’s and Little Caesar’s occasionally thinks it’s Hungry Howie’s but it’s fine

I point and shout and jump up and down but it’s fine

Something breaks

A Domino’s has spontaneously manifested, displacing the Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s

I point/shout/jump-up-and-down

There’s a swirl of ghostly Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s crashing into and battling with each other in the heavily potholed, soiled diaper strewn parking lot

The Domino’s abides for 10,000 years

All traces of all physical structures crumble to dust, blow away on the wind

The ghostly Domino’s endures, a memory with no need of any mind to remember it

My mind is long gone

Only my point/shout/jump-up-and-down endures

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #183:

J.D. VANCE’S EPSTEIN STRATEGY MEETING ATTENDED BY A DISCONCERTINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRIDS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 69

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #182:

“YOU GONNA NEED TO LIVE WITH A JOB, DIE WITH A JOB, BE BURIED WITH A JOB, AND BE REBORN ALREADY GAINFULLY EMPLOYED IF YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY!” CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS MOVING FORWARD WITH WORK REQUIREMENTS FOR HEALTHCARE, DEATH, BURIAL, AFTERLIFE, REINCARNATION, QUIJA BOARD ACCESS, AND BEYOND.

EMERGENCE #1:

The table of contents is two pages, the front and back of a single sheet . . . but the book is old, hasn’t been cared for, and so this single sheet comes loose . . .

. . . so you use it for a bookmark as you read the book.

This bookmark is also a mobile table of contents. 

Just don’t let it get away from its book . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #181:

EPSTEIN ESCAPES FROM HELL DURING OIL RIG EXPLOSION; TRUMP HAPPY TO REUNITE WITH BESTIE, FULL PARDON IN THE WORKS FOR BOTH EPSTEIN AND MAXWELL.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #12:

Hardcore

+

Game of Death II

=

George C. Scott becomes increasingly agitated in a movie theater as he watches a movie in which the first half hour consists of an all-too-obvious Bruce Lee impersonator keeping his back to the camera. And then the obvious impersonator faces the camera and he’s obviously an impersonator. Scott’s anguish peaks during the part where actual footage of Bruce Lee’s funeral plays.

“TURN IT OFF!!”

Things get even stranger as the evil of the world fractures space and time causing stock footage of Scott to invade the frame. Now, Scott’s past movie selves from Dr. Strangelove, Patton, The New Centurions, The Day of the Dolphin, The Hindenburg, and They Might Be Giants all challenge Hardcore Scott to a lethal battle gauntlet. The Final Boss is future stock footage of Scott from The Exorcist III.

Eventually, the audience rebels, burns down the theater, and furiously cheers while jumping up and down.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #180:

QUESTIONS SWIRL AROUND RECENT APPEARANCES BY JEFFREY EPSTEIN-WHO LOOKS TO BE DRESSED HEAD TO TOE IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE-IN PRESIDENT TRUMP’S DREAMS OF LATE. “IT’S ALMOST LIKE TRUMP’S COMPULSIVE LYING AND DESTRUCTIVE EXECUTIVE ORDERS ARE MEANT TO KEEP HIM FROM THINKING ABOUT THE FATE OF HIS BEST FRIEND AND WINGMAN,” STATED AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLOSE TO THE MATTER.

F.A.Q. #18:

Q: What do you fear most?

A: Being rejected by inanimate objects.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #73:

A remake of Easy Rider starring Kamen Rider.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #179:

“WON’T YOU JOIN ME FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKES?” TRUMP TOUTS BOGUS TRADE DEALS TO BLOT OUT THE SEPULCHRAL VOICE OF FORMER BESTIE EPSTEIN AS IT CALLS TO HIM FROM THE INFERNAL ABYSS.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #40:

SEEK YE THE LOST CONVEYOR BELT OF SERVICE MERCHANDISE.