. . . I really fucked up with this whole blogging thing.
I started too late.
I shoulda started in the run-up to the U.S. invasion of Iraq. And I could've been a neoconservative warmonger or a liberal hawk, and I could've wrote all sorts of brilliant justifications for the necessity for mass civilian casualties in the name of security or freedom or what have you-
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! I probably could've cooked up some conspiracy theories about how the terrorists were sitting on secret DVD playback technology-in addition to those chimerical WMDs-and how mass civilian deaths are all good if it means we get to have True High Definition Playback with Lossless Remasturbated Audio Output-
Shit, dude, I missed the bus on that one.
And then, when it became clear that Iraq 2003 was a massive tragic clusterfuck, I could have an about face, and write some truly searching think pieces for the NYTimes and Washington Post about how hard it was to see the light, and then I could get some book deals, and-and-and I could get venture capital for a new media startup-
Have my own website, which would just be a collection of blogging Ivy League opinion grifters embedded in some overpriced web design-gotta be sticky! Gotta retain eyeballs!
Eventually we would evolve Pokemon-style into having 'embedded advertainments'-slickly produced commercials for hand-wringing movies about some topical crisis or other, or vacuous lifestyle branded clothes and perfumes-
If only I had done all of that, then, geez, I could've been a current events podcaster by now.
Have a regular yapping head spot on CNN and FOX and MSNBC.
If I really wanted to sell my last scraps of soul, I could get a bunch of dark money investors and create an all-conspiracy network for the frothing jackoffs who think FOX News has gone soft.
I would've been beautiful!
I would've been gorgeous!
I could've been a contender!
Ah, the road not taken . . .
