this is the one with the jumping future tank
your pet frog runs away from you
into a mysterious underground kingdom of Enemy
you chase your beloved amphibian beneath the earth
only to find a jumping future tank all gassed-up and ready-to-go
fate has given you the tools to obliterate Enemy
or, y'know, we kick things off with an act of Grand Theft Jumping Future Tank
fate or crime
you now get to rampage through the underground kingdom of Enemy
maybe even get your pet frog back
once you're in the kingdom of Enemy
you have to maneuver your jumping future tank around obstacles
and blast Enemy military assets
you even get to drive your jumping future tank underwater
yes, friends
your jumping future tank is a proper Bond Car/Batmobile/S.H.I.E.L.D. hovercar
all-in-one
all-terrain, loaded up with exotic beam weapons and missiles and, eventually, flight capabilities,
of course
you must fight and kill your way into the advanced features
your jumping future tank grows as it is fed the blood and circuits of Enemies
meats and robo
you have to get out of your tank to sally forth into bleak Enemy bases that resemble Amazon Warehouses: full of bland boxes, mostly automated but with a complement of pissed-off, overworked conscious ones who are compelled to defend their turf unto death,
every now and again
one of these Enemy bases has a room in the back of absolute darkness,
a room of void
and from this void
manifests
a mutant abomination
tentacular, cyborgian, massive,
I guess it's a warehouse/logistics officer
a fight to the death ensues
obvi
I was always frustrated that I couldn't just crash my tank into the Enemy bases. Game forces you to get out of your tank and hoof it into the hostile installations. If you were just able to do what you wanted, and have fun all the time then we would live in Utopia, I guess. It's fine.
look,
I gotta level with you
I didn't give a shit about the frog
I loved that jumping future tank
I loved its power
I loved its jump
I loved its cannon
I loved its death lightning
I loved its missiles
I loved how it wrecked shit
I got inside that tank
I found home
I never wanted to leave
I would annihilate the underground kingdom of Enemy, gladly, and then find a new Enemy to zap
or
if necessary
find a Friend and just decide they work better as Enemy, and zap them,
it'll be fine
I was the serene obliterator
I was the heart/soul/brain of the jumping future tank
I became the jumping future tank
I never wanted to come back
Maybe I didn't.
-February-March-April 2022
