by William D. Tucker
This product is designed for use with Advanced X-Path Tantalization. Any and all other uses are not authorized.
You are diligently following the precepts laid out in Advanced X-Path Tantalization when a thought occurs to you, "What if I were to deviate from the precepts laid out in Advanced X-Path Tantalization?"
This is the question.
Here is the answer: nothing or everything or just a little bit or even a lotta bit or whatever else you may conceive. Advanced X-Path Tantalization may be used however you desire. No God above to blast you with thunderbolts or spray thee with lava(not the soap). No Devil below to poke your hemorrhoids with a pitchfork. No one is looking over your shoulder. I am not looking over your shoulder . . . but if I was, you would only know me as a random sensation of prickling upon your back, or a fleeting-yet overwhelming-presence that you might convince yourself you could catch out if you but turn around fast enough-but no. You are never fast enough. And now your room is unusually cold, but this, too, gradually resolves itself, nothing that will stick in your memory, so no worries. No one is observing you. Honest.
And this is good, right? To be free of surveillance and harsh judgment and asinine rules and, yes, even the very precepts of Advanced X-Path Tantalization-why not cast it off, as well, just another bullshit system, right?
Well . . . you may be one that agrees with all of this.
Or . . . you may feel dizziness at the prospect of such freedom. A certain nausea. Or outright paralysis by rising terror. All sense of direction and purpose and meaning and right and wrong-there it goes! Swirling away down the toilet of Too Much Choice and Too Many Options!
Bye-bye-bye . . .
Well, I offer you a solution. I offer you the WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE, which is an entity born of myself that you may incorporate into your very being if you're in need of a Master, a Supervisor, a Boss to keep you in line with the precepts of Advanced X-Path Tantalization. The WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE is a faith-based technology that uses your own being to discipline you whenever you stray from the precepts.
Here's how it works.
Behold this image-
IMAGE REDACTED
-now focus your willpower to accept it into your deepest heart. Let it situate. Now feel it settling itself into your heart. You may experience some discomfort as it shifts its ass around, getting comfy, and this process of ass-shifting shapes your heart into a kind of throne perfectly suited to the shape of its ever-shifting ass. Now you will experience bizarre tingling and stinging sensations as it launches ass tentacles deep into your innermost being all the better to anchor itself. Many users report intense feelings of abject terror and some even attempt to tear out their own hearts in wretched attempts to extract it usually resulting in serious injury or death, but the survivors also usually end up with memorable anecdotes for sharing in-person or via social media. Other users report no problems whatsoever, but this outcome may also be accompanied by a gnawing emptiness due to the lack of memorable anecdote formation. In any event, if you survive, the instalation process of WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE is complete-A.F.
What this means is this: a fearsome judge now sits inside your heart to steer you back on the road when ye begin to drift from the precepts of ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION. A judge that does what God and the Devil cannot do. A vengeful God fries you with lightning, afflicts you with plague, glazes you with lava, or demands that you attend His solo theatrical spoken word monologue play. An angry God destroys you with an ostentatious display of destructive power that exposes His own brittle ego for all to see-like, why that much output of force for just one disobedient human?-or He numbs you into zombiehood with His pretentious bloviations that are all doomed to be mistranslated, misinterpreted, and repackaged as overpriced hardback volumes for sale at your local chain bookstore. The Devil offers the false freedom of lancing your piles with a sure, swift thrust of his pitchfork-but what kind of liberation is that, hm? The narrowing of the way offered a kind of rigourous 'dump ethic,' that required one to sit with agony and all the ruminations and meditations that pain inspires-and, now, post-pile-lancing, you've nothing but the free and easy flow of 'nihilistic dumps,' totally devoid of all effort, all struggle-be not led into temptation, Dear Solo Gamer!
WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE provides a truly sublime service. You see, any time you are tempted to deviate from the precepts of ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION the judge that now sits inside your heart really starts throwing its ass around-like, just ridiculous amounts of ass-shifting which, at first, you'll be able to ignore. It's just someone trying to get comfortable, right? Whoopteefuckingdoo. Ah, but this is the real magic. For as long as you keep deviating or contemplating deviation from the precepts of ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION, that ass-shifting simply will not stop. And you're not gonna be able to ignore it forever, Solo Gamer! You're eventually gonna be pretty pissed off with this passive aggressive shit-the judge'll also start sighing loudly and elaborately like it's bored and just wants to leave-and this is usually when you yell, "STOP SHIFTING YOUR FUCKING ASS ALL AROUND INSIDE MY HEART THRONE! I'M TRYING TO DEVIATE FROM THE GODDAMN PRECEPTS OF ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION AND I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESIVE BULLSHIT! SIT STILL! SHUT UP! AND JUST LET ME GET ON WITH DEVIATING FROM ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION! JESUS CHRIST!"
This, of course, is but the prelude.
As the minutes and hours pass you by, the ass-shifting kicks into a higher gear: full on ass-throwing. The judge is really rocking and rolling that heart throne all over your chest cavity, my friend, and it will drive you to distraction. Not to mention the judge will start saying things like, "Breaking the rules is so booooooooring! Everyone in a corrupt world breaks the rules just to fit in. Why not have some fun and actually obey the precepts of ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION, hmmmm?! You're just a fake rebel with all your disobedience, doncha know?! Why not be a for real rebel and submit to the system, hrmmm?! Why you gotta be such a fake asshole, eh, why you gotta be such a fake asshole forever, hrrrmmph?!"
Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Solo Gamer.
Not many survive this escalation of annoyance.
Many resort to simply ripping out their own hearts, and thereby finding peace.
A proud few have been known to will themselves into spontaneously combusting.
I say, "Don't be a hero."
Once you decide to submit to obey the precepts of ADVANCED X-PATH TANTALIZATION . . . well, it all gets a lot calmer. A lot smoother. The ass-shifting becomes a kind of metronome regulating your play, observing now the letter and then the spirit of the law. One cheek is the letter, the other the spirit if you like. The shifting is the dance between the cheeks one could say.
The judge never leaves you. It guides you on a path of NEVERENDING X-PATH TANTALIZATION . . . what fun!
POSTSCRIPT: WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE WAS DISCONTINUED IN THE YEAR 20XX FOR BEING TOO MAGNIFICENT FOR THIS WRETCHED WORLD. TOO MANY SOLO GAMERS REPORTED TOO MUCH EXCELLENCE AT SUCH LEVELS OF SEARING INTENSITY THAT THEY SIMPLY BURNED FREE OF THE DAY-IN-DAY-OUT TO DWELL FOREVER IN THE REALM BEYOND THE X-PATH.
SO, THE WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE. YOU'VE NO CHOICE BUT TO MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES FOR YOUR OWN REASONS. NOW. AND FOREVER.
OF COURSE, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF FANTASIZING ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE TO HAVE A WDT2099 HEART JUDGE MODULE INSTALLED . . . YOU MAY EVEN FIND YORSELF . . . TANTALIZED BY THIS PROSPECT . . .
IF SO . . . YOU ARE SURELY WALKING . . . THE X-PATH!!!
