Presenting
SQUEEZY SERPENTS
Know the Future
Squeeze that Snake
It’s basically a big rubber snake filled with crimson corn syrup and chicken gizzards and one action figure. You squeeze on the rubber snake kinda like it’s a bigass tube of toothpaste, and you enjoy the sight of pretend blood’n’guts getting forced out of the snake’s mouth and at the end of this gory spectacle an action figure plops out like some hideous plastic newborn. The figure itself is supposed to be the Greek god Apollo . . . but the design is clearly stolen from Ultraman. Specifically, it’s the pose where Ultraman is flying up at the camera with the Beta Capsule in his raised hand from the 1960s TV show. The major difference is that a knockoff Magic Eight Ball has replaced the Beta Capsule. Even the Magic Eight Ball is half-assed, with only three answers: Yes, No, and Squeezer’s Choice. It sucks.
The only redeeming feature of this junk is that every time you ask Apollo’s Magic Eight Ball a question there’s a nonzero chance that a freshly skinned musician will come staggering out of nowhere to scare the shit out of you. Apparently, Apollo was known for being super competitive at the open mics back in the day. At any rate, once the skinned musician dies of their wounds you can butcher their corpse to make fresh snake guts so’s you can enjoy squeezing out the oracular deity all over again.
Honestly, Squeezy Serpent is way more hassle than it’s worth. It makes a big damn mess, and kids will be freaked out by the freshly skinned musicians. I only bought it because I collect Ultraman merch, and, admittedly, the action figure component is an intriguing, if unauthorized, variant on the official design. So, sadly, I can only recommend Squeezy Serpent to my fellow UltraFans.
4 out of 10.
Very disappointing.
