ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #34: EARTH (1930)

Soviet collectivist propaganda veers into Simpsons-esque self-parody as immiserated peasant farmers glow with religious ecstasy upon the arrival of a messianic tractor.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #87:

 

A.I. DEEP FAKE FRANK ZAPPA SHADOW DROPS ALBUM OF COVERS OF EASY LISTENING CLASSICS.

NEW MERCH #2:

Presenting

SQUEEZY SERPENTS

Know the Future

Squeeze that Snake

It’s basically a big rubber snake filled with crimson corn syrup and chicken gizzards and one action figure. You squeeze on the rubber snake kinda like it’s a bigass tube of toothpaste, and you enjoy the sight of pretend blood’n’guts getting forced out of the snake’s mouth and at the end of this gory spectacle an action figure plops out like some hideous plastic newborn. The figure itself is supposed to be the Greek god Apollo . . . but the design is clearly stolen from Ultraman. Specifically, it’s the pose where Ultraman is flying up at the camera with the Beta Capsule in his raised hand from the 1960s TV show. The major difference is that a knockoff Magic Eight Ball has replaced the Beta Capsule. Even the Magic Eight Ball is half-assed, with only three answers: Yes, No, and Squeezer’s Choice. It sucks.

The only redeeming feature of this junk is that every time you ask Apollo’s Magic Eight Ball a question there’s a nonzero chance that a freshly skinned musician will come staggering out of nowhere to scare the shit out of you. Apparently, Apollo was known for being super competitive at the open mics back in the day. At any rate, once the skinned musician dies of their wounds you can butcher their corpse to make fresh snake guts so’s you can enjoy squeezing out the oracular deity all over again.

Honestly, Squeezy Serpent is way more hassle than it’s worth. It makes a big damn mess, and kids will be freaked out by the freshly skinned musicians. I only bought it because I collect Ultraman merch, and, admittedly, the action figure component is an intriguing, if unauthorized, variant on the official design. So, sadly, I can only recommend Squeezy Serpent to my fellow UltraFans.

4 out of 10.

Very disappointing.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #6:

I’m so tragic I make comedy cry!

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #33: GODZILLA MINUS ONE/MINUS COLOR (2024)

When you wish upon Godzilla, your dreams really do come true.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #86:

ADAPTATION OF DOUGLAS COUPLAND’S MICROSERFS ANNOUNCED AS NEW CYBERPUNK 2077 DLC.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #85:

BOWTIE BRAWLERS DOMINATE ROTINI RENEGADES IN KITCHEN RUMBLE.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #84:

IN A SIGN OF EASING TENSIONS, NATURE AND VACUUM ISSUE JOINT STATEMENT: “ABHORRENCE IS NOT THE WAY.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #83:

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS CLOUD V SEPHIROTH. SEPHIROTH’S LEGAL TEAM SAYS, “OUR CLIENT HAS ALWAYS MAINTAINED THEY WOULD NEVER BE A MEMORY. TODAY, WE ARE VINDICATED.”

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #22:

I’ve hooked my brain up to the rubber ducky factory.

I imagine the rubber ducky, and the factory instantly assembles a rubber ducky as per my brain signals.

That’s how I unite rubber ducky idealism with rubber ducky materialism. 

Ha!

Dontcha’ just love how I pierce that membrane? 

Dontcha’ just love how I render that borderline useless?

Uwee-hee-hee-hee!

Oh, yes.

Nothing finer on a day of hump.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #7:

Humpday Theme: Humpin’ Around by Bobby Brown

Not much to say on this one.

The first time I heard it . . . I just knew.

It’s pretty much self-explanatory.

Sometimes, y’know, you just can’t beat congruence.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #82:

SUPER MARIO BROS./THE LAST OF US CROSSOVER PROMISES TO EXPLORE THE NUANCES OF CHOOSING TO TRUST-OR NOT TRUST-THE FUNGUS.

BENIGN AND/OR INANE CONSPIRACIES #8:

There’s a secret version of Star Trek-that they don’t want you to see-wherein Spock alternates saying “Captain” with “Craptain.” Every now and again Kirk gets a strange look on his face like he’s about to take Spock to task for fucking with him . . . but then he lets it go to attend to the cosmic crises of the moment. What’s weird is that there’s no resolution as to why Spock’s switching up the words. It’s not even clear if Spock himself is aware of this behavior. This has led many obsessive Trekkies to speculate about the existence of a “suppressed episode”-possibly scripted by Harlan Ellison-that explores Spock’s alternation of “Captain” with “Craptain.” Some have even gone so far as to speculate that this all has to do with Spock’s repressed human side-that “Craptain” is a way for him to vent his resentment for constantly denying his emotions in the name of duty in a near subconscious manner. 

Of course, no one really knows.

It’s all just a shadow of a fart’s rumor on the wind!

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #5:

I hack so good cabbies hail me for a ride!

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#13)

. . . when they watch Who’s the Boss? looking for answers only to end up angry at bogus authority, and then they get mad when they realize they’re on their own because the True Boss lies within themselves.

People get mad.

GENERATIVE A.I. PITCHES #3:

Junji Ito Michael Jackson Freight Elevator Axiomatics

BONUS FUN: Add in the word ‘Fraudulent.’

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #21:

Rubber ducky is back to being the one.

I no longer have to settle for a notional rubber ducky within my imagination.

I’ve got the damn thing in my hands-yes!

I can make it go to war against all my other action figures-and win. 

A rubber ducky in the hand is surely worth two mental rubber duckies at the very least. 

Fuck idealism.

Hooray materialism.

For this day of hump.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #32: SALTBURN (2023)

In this masterclass of congruence, a wealthy, over-privileged director makes a movie about wealthy, over-privileged people.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #4:

 

I’m so venomous evangelical snake handlers bite me!

TWO WORDS . . .

 . . . EDIBLE SCREEN . . .

. . . how in the hell is this not standard on all mobile devices?

I know not the answer.

But I know who to ask.

Whistles.

Yo!

Time-Life!

I think it’s high time you publish a new volume of Mysteries of the Unknown. I need to know why edible screens haven’t yet become a thing. You can put that UFO bullshit on the backburner for the nonce. This new thing’s really puzzling up the place. So get on the stick!

Heh, heh, heh . . . that’ll do it . . .