ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #38: BEAU IS AFRAID (2023)

Now this would’ve been a perfect Joker movie.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #32: SALTBURN (2023)

In this masterclass of congruence, a wealthy, over-privileged director makes a movie about wealthy, over-privileged people.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #29: FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S (2023)

 

Much like the video game from which it's derived, this is pseudo-horror for diaper babies that will no doubt get an unearned boost from YouTube and TikTok grifters.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #24: PAW PATROL: THE MIGHTY MOVIE (2023)

 

If you drop acid before watching then you can have a mildly interesting anecdote to share on (anti)social media afterwards.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #23: MEG 2: THE TRENCH (2023)

 

It's all wet.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #22: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING 3 (2023)

 

Wake me up for the divorce.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #21: THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023)

It left me rather skeptical.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #20: V/H/S/85 (2023)

Dude, wake me up when they start producing the DVD franchise.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #19: THE NUN II (2023)

Even nuns have to go Number Two, I guess.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #18: THE EQUALIZER 3 (2023)

Becomes a hundred times more enjoyable if you pretend it's a hard reboot of the Eat Pray Love franchise.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #16: SAW X (2023)

It's just two Xs away from being the porn parody version.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEW #14: OPPENHEIMER (2023)

J. Robert Oppenheimer makes his long overdue debut as the most tormented of the Classic Universal Monsterverse Monsters.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEW #13: BARBIE (2023)

Barbie teams up with the "real human being" from Drive and Blade Runner 2049 to lay the groundwork for the Hasbro/Mattel/Disney/Fox/G.I.Joe/Transformers/Star Wars/Marvel/DC/Robert Crumb/Rupert Murdoch/Tyrell Corp./Umbrella Corp./Yoyodyne/Weyland-Yutani/Fast and Furious/King Kong/NASA/Tesla/Papa John's/Godzilla/Pokemon/Call of Duty/Nintendo/SEGA/Microsoft/Time Warner/Alien vs Predator/Val Verde Continuity/Spider-Verse/Sony/Meta/Alphabet/Wreck It Ralph/Universal Monsters Shared Cinematic Universe.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #11: TETRIS (2023)

If this is the stale, formulaic beginning of a Tetris Cinematic Universe, then hopefully the sequel will be a daring and experimental adaptation of Inventory Tetris.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #10: FAST X (2023)

Computer shit happens 'til it stops.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #7: INFINITY POOL (2023)

 

Dude, like, these National Lampoon's Vacation movies just get funnier and funnier!

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #6: JOHN WICK: CHAPTER FOUR (2023)

 

Whimsical fantasy adventure in which assholes with guns kill each other as opposed to schoolchildren.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #5: THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE (2023):

 

I liked it better when it had a silent protagonist.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #4: AIR (2023):

It's gotta be the shoes.