BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #74:

Is there anything that can justify suffering the shame of playing at a lower difficulty level?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #102:

ROOM 102 REVEALED TO CONTAIN BIG BROTHER’S PERSONAL TOILET KNOWN AS ‘BIG SHITTER.’

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #19:

I’m so coronary I give cheeseburgers heart attacks.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #101:

DISNEY’S CG ANIMATED 1984 TO FEATURE EWOKS RESCUING WINSTON FROM BIG BROTHER.

Put down the steroids. You can gear up with these imaginary volumes from The Notional Bookshelf . . .

 On the Shartness of Metamodernism: Squeaks and Procedures of a Significantly Trifling Pre-Existence by William D. Tucker of the Shindig Institute.

The Poetic Garbage Scow of Extreme Destiny: A Consideration of Lucasfilm from the Fatuous Golden Age of The Phantom Menace to the Unctuous Present by William D. Tucker of the Shindig Institute

A Bunch of Texans Crammed Into A Soundbooth: An Oral History of Anime Dubs in the Early 21st Century by William D. Tucker of the Shindig Institute

The Expanded Asshole: a Beginner’s Guide to Flagpole Sitting by Harvey Dagner

The Wrinkles of a Most Violent Postmodernity: An Extended Meditation Upon the Face of Charles Bronson by V.I. Lante

Better Start Drinking in the Sixth Grade: A Practical Guide for Applying to the Iowa Writers’ Workshop by Vomitile Carver McDrunko

Papa Don’t Beach: Cetacean Secrets of a Madonna Classic by Professor Ishmael Ahab

Donuts at Last: A Shocking New Solution to the Riddle of Deez Nuts by Agrippa Sacks

Lake of the Obtuse a novel by H.H. Brill

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 6

 

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #34:

I like it when a Day of Hump concludes with me being abducted by aliens.

Sure, it makes gettin’ up Thursday morning a hassle, but at least you’re over that hump, right?

Fuckin’ A.

Nothin’ but downhill momentum into the Weekend, wooooooo!

It’s pretty good.

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#20)

. . . at the problematic original, and then they get mad at the sanitized remake.

People get mad.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #100:

TANJIRO KAMADO AND CHAINSAW MAN RUMORED TO BE IN TALKS TO STAR IN REBOOT OF THE ODD COUPLE.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #18:

In a world of piddly dribbling shits I’m the absolute toilet breaker.

SOLAR TAKE #2:

I was never impressed by the Psychic Friends Network. I called ‘em up, asked ‘em to make my asshole boss’s head explode, and they were like, "Sorry, sir, we don’t do that sort of thing." Lame.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #99:

REALITY TV COUPLE FILES FOR DIVORCE; CHRIST RETURNS, SHITS BRICK, DECLARES APOCALYPSE.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 5

 

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #33:

I like it when a Day of Hump plays out just like the final episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

It’s usually about the same level of fun as being abducted by aliens.

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#19)

. . . at being lectured, and then they get mad when no one wants to hear their lecture.

People get mad.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #98:

DEEP FAKE HOLOGRAM LESLIE NIELSEN SLATED TO HOST UNSOLVED MYSTERIES REBOOT WITH NOTHING BUT A TRENCHCOAT AND A WHOOPEE CUSHION.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #4:

If you self-publish comics or comix you have the potential to be viewed as some kind of creative genius.

If you self-publish prose and/or poetry you have the potential to not be viewed . . . at all. 

The lesson?

People like them pictures real good, don’t they?

Yup.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #17:

I’m so hospitable, hotels check into me!

PARTIAL WIPE.

 

THE NEW DREAM #26:

At some kind of gallery night

In some kind of gallery

I’m talking to Edmund the Bastard

The guy from King Lear

I tell him how much I loved his line about shadows standing up for bastards

He says, “I didn’t call upon shadows. I called upon the gods. You’ve got me confused with that Macbeth fella. He called upon shadows. And we all know how well it worked out for him.”

I stand corrected

But then it hits me

Edmund seems to be aware of Macbeth’s bad end but not his own

So I take that as my cue

To try to get him to buy into a timeshare hustle

And that’s when I realized

That I wasn’t even myself

In the new dream

But I had taken on the role of that one dude from years back who used to host that poetry open mic

And then I stopped going to that poetry open mic

But then I later heard that the host guy used to use the open mic to cultivate marks for a timeshare scam

The host guy was never about the poetry

Yet his life was a True American Epic

Poetry

Cloaking

A money grubbing scam

Edmund seems intrigued

My pitch is strong

But I don’t remember if I sealed the deal

Things trailed off

Or I woke up

I’m not entirely sure

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #97:

STURM UND DRANG SET TO REPLACE JOE AND JANE SIXPACK IN OFF-BROADWAY REVIVAL OF LOVE LETTERS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 4

 

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #32:

I like it when a Day of Hump plays out just like the final episode of The Prisoner.

It’s usually a little bit less fun than being abducted by aliens, but that’s still a pretty good time, isn’t it?

I think so.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #54: THE FIRST OMEN (2024)

We got computer generated versions of Paul Walker, Peter Cushing, Carrie Fisher, and Harold Ramis . . . but no CG Gregory Peck?

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #53: IMMACULATE (2024)

Standard issue Spooky Catholic Shit redeemed by a refreshingly no nonsense ending.

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#18)

. . . at how selective we are in assigning individual responsibility, and then they get mad at how selective we are in assigning collective responsibility.

People get mad.

VIEW FROM THE DOORWAY.

 

YOU (DON'T) KNOW #4:

A dart dipped in GAPING MAW poison causes the affected area of your enemy to erupt into a giant monster mouth. This can spill your enemy’s blood and organs, killing them, but it might also just give them a new mouth with a new voice and new appetites.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #16:

I’m so Free Market I charge for epizoochory.

LUCKBRINGER.

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #96:

TOUCHSCREEN SELF CHECKOUT TERMINALS WILL NOW OFFER SHOPPING STRESS SELF ASSESSMENTS ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN.

MANDATORY RULE #8:

If you eat snack sized Reese’s peanut butter cups, you are required to write a bite-sized literary masterpiece upon the little square of paper upon which the peanut butter cup rests.

You may write anything you want: a poem; a monster stat block for a tabletop rpg; microfiction, whatever you want. If you eat a bunch of peanut butter cups you could save up the paper squares over time until you have enough to write a novel.

Whatever you want.

But you must write.

This is now the rule.

THE NEW DREAM #25:

we are stranded

in an abstract concrete desolationscape

lit by vehicular headlights

hard men fire their guns

into a dude

round after round

into just the one dude

the dude

is squibbing off

little timed explosives packed with raw hamburger and crimson corn syrup

to simulate getting blown away

like in an action movie

but the guy just keeps on squibbing off

it’s not just an effect rigged for a specific action

it has become the entire movie

two hours

of the dude flailing and twitching about

blasting syrup and beef all over the place

we get cutaways of hard men firing guns

at first

but then 

we get cutaways of the hard men reloading

and then

hard men patting themselves down for stray ammo

and then

finally

hard men just looking confused

because they’ve fired every last bullet

not a bullet left to fire

and yet squib dude just keeps on a-squibbin’

some of the hard men wander off into the night

some sit down upon the concrete to see how much longer squib dude’ll go

a select few start making gunshot noises with their mouths while jerking their spent Tommy Guns and Uzis and Kalashnikovs all about in a pantomime of recoil

squib dude keeps on squibbing into the mysterious night

we cut to a shot of the hard men who wandered off repeatedly walking into an oppressively bland concrete wall, bouncing off, walking back into it, bouncing off, walking back into it, some kind of dumbass eternal recurrence

squib dude keeps on squibbing into the mysterious night

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 3

 

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #31:

A totally empty day that reveals itself to be a tangle of ordeals that cannot be perceived until you are captured by their tentacles, and thoroughly tortured and sundered and reassembled by them into an infinitely harsher version of yourself.

Sure, it’ll suck while you’re going through it, but you can probably get a TED Talk out of it. Something to do with “resilience.” Shit like that.

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#17)

. . . at being harshly judged, and then they get mad when they are harshly judged for being judgmental.

People get mad.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #24:

ALTHOUGH YOU MAY THINK THE ZERO RELAXATION ERA IS OVERRATED, IT DOES TEND TO KEEP YOU ON YOUR GRIND. BE SURE TO TAKE MICROBREAKS TO INGEST SMALL QUANTITIES OF FOOD AND BRIEF SIPS OF WATER WHILE TAKING CARE NOT TO INTERRUPT GRIND. TAKING A FULL BREAK PERIOD IS CONTRAINDICATED FOR THE DURATION OF THE ERA.