THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #22:

I’m so Soviet that Russia hides the vodka when I visit.

FORTRESS Y2K #1:

As we approach Millennium, let us reflect.

For the year 2000 shall bring countless death rays upon your being, against your very ass.

Ye must reflect those death rays back at the HAULERs (Horrible Alien Underground Laser Embedded Reprobates) who fired them at you in order to destroy them. It won’t do you any good to shoot them with your Basic Shot or even an Enhanced Street Sweeper Blast. The HAULERs-who resemble levitating, outsized wads of cancerous meats slime glued to clusters of gun barrels-are pathologically and metaphysically seeking self-destruction by their own weapons, yet they are also in deep denial about this core Inner Truth. The buzzy approach of Millennium has made them more proactive, driving them up out of their ultradimensional hidey holes, up-jacking their aggression, but they still must outsource their Self-Reflections to capable protagonists such as yourself. Hence, you must be the one to mirror up and reflect their death rays back at them thereby giving them the end they secretly seek. 

Therefore . . . as we approach Millennium . . . be sure to reflect.

MANDATORY RULE #9:

All action figures must now be made available in “Resurrected Cyborg” editions.

This means that if an action figure is not already a Resurrected Cyborg, an additional version must now be manufactured that conforms to the parameters of a Resurrected Cyborg. This also applies to cyborgs who may reasonably be assumed to have never been killed and brought back to life.

ALL action figures must have a Resurrected Cyborg version which consists of a mixture of meats and robotics in whatever style is deemed suitable-ghoulish, Olympian, kludgy, sleek, militaristic, cyclopean, angelic, authoritarian, diabolic-by those designing the figures.

No exceptions for cryptid, spiritual, ectoplasmic, divine, or notional/theoretical beings. All are subject to this rule.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 9

 

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #36:

I really enjoy when I’m fighting a bunch of dudes, and I’m, like, totally kicking ass. I’m breaking necks with just a quick twist of my hands. Everytime I swing my blade there’s a guaranteed decapitation. And it’s not just because I inked a deal with Big Sword. It’s primarily the passion. But passion can also bring those dump trucks full of Cash American to my front yard-but that’s just a fringe benefit in my considered estimation. 

No, what I really like about kicking ass is when I take my foot, and I put it right through someone’s stomach thereby causing their intestines to explode out of their lower back, and then, like, the guts just sort of dangle down over their ass cheeks and the backs of their thighs. And then they’re just staggering about, turbo-dazed by supreme, inexpressible agony-they can’t even moan or scream or even deliver a mild reprimand. Their faces do this fish-gasping-for-air bit. It’s a sight.

Now, the official name of this attack is ‘Anti-Lumbar Stomach Kick.’ But colloquially it has become known as “Giving Folks a Gutsback.”

People love it on those social medias. They insert footage of Gutsbacked folks into Cyberpunk 2077 gameplay videos alongside a wandering Patrick Bateman-these young people online are terrific!

But I have a merciful side.

I really do!

Sometimes, if I see someone I just Gutsbacked really struggling with their new condition I’ll place some Twinkies or Ho-Hos or Big Macs directly into their exposed intestines. I call it ‘Direct Snacking’ and it's also a hit on the social medias.

Truly, I am blessed.

LOST POSTER BLURBS #3:

“Pah! You call these dragons?! I’ll show you a true dragon . . . inside my burning heart!”

-William D. Tucker discussing Reign of Fire on the Shindig Institute’s secretive member’s only film culture podcast rumored to be called Cinespersal.

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#21)

. . . when you’re formulaic, and then they get mad when you innovate.

People get mad.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #21:

I’m so prototype that the final build is always a little wistful for me even when it makes that street date.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #104:

NEW LEGISLATION WILL REQUIRE ALL STORES TO IMPLEMENT AUTOSCROLLING TO CYCLE CUSTOMERS THROUGH THEIR SHOPPING BULLET HELLS.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #8:

Password Continue Screen Theme: In the Afterlife by Bobby Caldwell

Usually, you’re barely aware of this cue because you’re  just trying to enter the pain-in-the-ass password as fast as possible so you can get back in the game  . . . but if you stop to listen to the whole thing it’s pretty terrific.

The singer’s great love will go on, and so will your mission.

Why not enjoy the music along the way?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 8

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #35:

I like it when I’m magnetically attached next to an EDC (Enemy Dispenser Chute) on the bottom of the hull of the FAT-DC (Flying Armored Trooper Dispensation Craft), and I can just blast the enemy as soon as they’re dispensed. I can zap ‘em before they’re even ready, watch ‘em go to pieces, and flutter away on the air currents.

BENIGN AND/OR INANE CONSPIRACIES #10:

Party pooper Knights Templar created jalapeno poppers to insidiously displace amyl nitrate poppers.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #5:

The map to my new boss bleeds through from the next era over.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #20:

I’m so French they don’t even charge me for fries when I cruise that drive thru.