Satan paid me a visit in the night, gibbering and gesturing obscenely. I didn't look at him right away as I was absorbed into a playthrough of the Terranigma ROM on my modified SNES Classic. After, I dunno, a half hour? Sure, a half hour, the Prince of Darkness wandered away, came back with an RC Cola in his claw. I saw this out of the corner of my eye, and I said, "You gotta raid my fridge like that?"
Satan slurped noisily to rub it in, and so I was determined to give him a truly fantastical beating once I'd saved my state after getting through the latest tower, but then I heard the Tempter howl of a sudden. Something impacted my carpet. I turned my head to look, and saw Satan, standing in a posture of shock, all covered in bleeding scratches and gashes. And there at Old Scratch's feet, staining my goddamn carpet, was the dropped RC Cola can, just spilling itself out like a freshly slain soldier.
And so I glared hard at Satan.
Satan said, "I thought to scratch you, and slash you, but when I raked you with my claws-"
I sneered, and turned back to my game.
"You crimson fuckin' clown," I said, "you ought to know that when you strike at the source of all things you merely damage yourself."
And then a notion struck me.
And upon the notion, Satan's head spun round and round, spewing pea soup all over the place, just missing my screen.
Oh, I guffawed into the night . . .
EDITORIAL NOTE: William is a solipsist.
