If you find yourself in such a desperate state of boredom that you stoop to debasing yourself by watching the full length broadcast of a grotesquely protracted self-aggrandizing circular jerkular industry awards show-such as the Oscars, the Emmys, the Tonys, the Golden Globes, the Game Awards, etc.-you are then required to do the following:
Make up a name for an award. Invent an award category. Nominate yourself for the award in the category which you have just invented. Give yourself the award. Congratulate yourself for winning the award. Give a speech that lasts no less than three hours thirty-seven minutes and forty seconds. You are not permitted to hurry yourself and/or cut yourself off. Party the night away by yourself.
This is a mandatory rule which applies to all persons and situations forever.
This I command!
