pulling on the mission
everyone who counts
swears
fucking promises
that this is the final sneak-a-deak
so me
I’m staring
now
at the wall
made especially for me
with no cracks
because I’m the only one who will be able to see a crack in this one
the longest time ensues
I’m seeing no crack
I signal someone who counts
they rain fire and death and destruction and misinformation upon points of vulnerability, upon the workers
I stare at that goddamn wall
made just for me
I give it one or two of, you know, not my best years-but a couple of really good ones
I get no crack
I signal someone who counts
rigmarole ensues
I lose two more really good years
wall maintenance cycles slip
I get a crack
I surge into it
this part is swift, rough, breaks all of my shit
but if there’s Other Side
I should be able to operate on a basis of sheer poise
and anyways
my nonsensical being works to keep me unseen
I got a Reverse Humpty in my future
so long as I demonstrate my value
and can get back to Exfiltration Point
Other Side’s the most remarkably vast Executive Lifestyle Redoubt I’ve ever been subjected to
my loathing rises
even just visiting the Gold and Silk Prison
back of the throat puke
tamp it down for Big Picture’s Sakes
I simply have to disturb people’s sleep patterns just enough to marginally motherfuck decision making processes so as to give edge to client
this isn’t even about nightmares and visions of the end
a vague unease routine, and that’s pushing it
it’s got to be that stress that constantly eats at people
in the Deep Background
they’re not even aware of it
I can’t even cancer any cells
because they catch that stuff now
same with poltergeist gimmicks, night terrors, weird voices
they catch all the fun stuff now
I went technical from five years back
all that I got left are quantum exhalations and vague random dissonances and fucking mildass skin irritations
I used to get away with juicing mild depressions to downgrade personal hygiene which could in turn stoke interpersonal tensions
but they catch that stuff, too
it’s all Slow Game, now, and it sucks
sure, you can drone civilian populations outside the Redoubts-that’s where Full Smoking Crater Routine still abides
but the people who count
on either Side
are reluctant to shatter their Command-and-Control mirror images
hence the Shared Regime of Slow Game
because the people in charge
on either Side
must maintain Specialness
and look
I am part of the problem
like I said
I’m not giving this my Best Years
just some Really Good Ones
because I’m not happy how it plays these days
it eats at me
giving my soul hemorrhoids
so I slow roll the bullshit Slow Game
which is kinda cute
it’s how I amuse myself
-May 2009-May 2024
