WELCOME, BIG DAWG, TO THE HEADLINES: NEW SOCIAL RESEARCH DATA SUGGESTS THAT IF YOU WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT CHICKEN JOCKEY SHIT EARLIER THIS YEAR YOU MAY AS WELL START COMPLAINING ABOUT 6-7 RIGHT DAMN NOW . . . THE UNITED STATES HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW SCHEDULE OF WAR CRIMES TO BE COMMITTED AGAINST BOATING ENTHUSIASTS IN BLUE STATES AS A COMPLEMENT TO THE WAR CRIMES BEING COMMITTED AGAINST VENEZUELA . . . SAUDI ARABIA’S CROWN PRINCE HAS JUST LAUNCHED A VACUOUS FREEFORM PODGRIFT IN THE STYLE OF MARC MARON AND JOE ROGAN. HIS UPCOMING GUEST LIST INCLUDES DAVE CHAPPELLE, BILL BURR, LOUIS C.K., AND KEVIN HART. WHILE MANY LISTENERS LOOK FORWARD TO THE NO DOUBT SCINTILLATING CONVO, MOST OF THE ONLINE FAN CHATTER SEEMS TO BE EXCITED BY THE AD READS FOR OVERPRICED CEREAL, UNDERWEAR, MATTRESSES, DATA HARVESTING THERAPY SCAMS, BONER PILLS, AND FREELANCE DISMEMBERMENT SERVICES . . . AND FINALLY, WE TURN TO PRESIDENT TRUMP WHOSE RECENT SPATE OF MEDICAL EXAMS SHOW DEFINITIVE DIAGNOSTIC PROOF THAT BUBBA’S STILL KNOCKING THEM VOCAL CORDS LOOSE . . .
