“In this Season of Gratitude and Giving, I would just like to take this opportunity in Jesus’s name-which just slipped my mind, but it’ll come back to me-to give thanks to the blessed toymakers of this planet who have seen fit to gift me with a box including action figure depictions of all four members of the Fantastic Four. Praise be. However-and I do not wish to sound ungrateful in this Season of Gratitude and Giving-however I cannot help but speak to the self-evident dilemma of this moment. Which is as follows: I only want the new Ben Grimm. That’s it. I don’t need the other three. Look. It’s like this . . . those of us who buy the action figures . . . we’re just interested in the Ben Grimms, the Incredible Hulks, the Banes, the Godzillas, the Voltrons, the Hulkbuster Iron Men, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, a few Master Chiefs, a Mechagodzilla could be nice, a well done Goro could work in a pinch, maybe a Ghost Rider here and there, and maybe, like, one really gnarly tongue hanging out Venom-that’s it. We don’t need Mr. Fantastic or Invisible Lady or the Human Torch-Ghost Rider’s already got the Torch’s spot to put it bluntly. You see what I’m getting at here? In the movies and the comic books-neither of which I’m familiar with-the boring-ass characters have their place. Because, like, in movies and comic books-which are stories-you need boring characters to accommodate all that boring-as-fuck English Major Shit. Uhh, y’know, like, uhhh . . . exposition? Uhh, theme? Plot’s one, I know that, plot’s the one I always remember. I did okay with that one in school. Not great. Just okay. I got by. D’s a passing grade your senior year. I’m not a spiritual man, but I believe in that Senior Magic. But in the world of action figures-my world-the boring-ass characters do not have a place. ‘Cause my world is all-action-all-the-time. You understand? So. I will gladly add the new Ben Grimm to my shelf of Ben Grimms. There we go. And these other three can go right into the trash. Like so. All the people who’ve been downsized from the economy by AI can have a few extra toys to keep their starving children distracted while scavenging for semi-edible food waste. And all’s well on planet Earth. Praise be to ol’ Jesus What’s-His-Face.”
