Stockpile Nerf weapons.
Hoard snacks and soft drinks.
Construct a pillow fort.
Raise an army of action figures, vehicles, and playsets.
Issue a series of deranged communiques declaring your breakaway republic.
Have activities to do while you wait for government forces to arrive to lay siege to your pillow fort: Sudoku, crossword puzzles, Nintendo 3DS, coloring books, etc.
When the little plastic Army Men arrive to give you trouble, order your own troops to fight to the last man. Tell ‘em to fire every bullet, and then use their rifles as clubs . . . and if those rifles break, well, just pick up the man next to you, and swing him as a club! And once every last fighting figure has been irreparably shattered, just howl and snarl and hiss and caterwaul and bellow and screech and scream ‘til the enemy completely loses their fucking minds!
. . . in the end, there you stand. The spent Nerf gun in your hands. Your eyes wild with battle lust. And yet . . . you have come to know the bitterness of victory . . .
“I’ve destroyed all my enemies, but I still want to fight!”
Freeze frame as you start to smash yourself in the head with your spent Nerf gun . . .
