BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #87:

Why did Wendy’s ever have a salad bar?

I’m not asking for the businessy/supply and demand/marketing/trend chasey answer-I mean, like, metaphysically why?

If someone could break down the metaphysics on this thing I’d be good to go.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #28:

The slimy politician who justifies taking away your healthcare by telling you, “We are all going to die” is not your friend.

They are your enemy.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #11:

Adapting a mismatched assortment of one hundred dollar bin comics into a blockbuster movie.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 60

 

THE NEW DREAM #43:

It’s time to disrupt Work.

Employees will go to work, and they’re gonna serve customers.

Okay?

And if there are no customers then a certain number of employees will be assigned to function as customers. 

Got that?

And we’re gonna build a big, beautiful wall around the store-and the employees are gonna pay for all of it.

Yes they will.

And if all the employees have been reassigned as customers then the customers will foot the bill.

Every last penny, just you watch.

And once the big, beautiful wall is built around the store all the employees and employers assigned to be customers will march around the wall for my birthday.

March ‘em back’n’forth, back’n’forth, just like that, back’n’forth, all around my big beautiful wall. 

And everybody will salute the wall ‘cause there’s gonna be flags all over it, flags for everybody, flags you can see from every angle, even from the trees, but we’ll take care of the trees just in case-that’s why I have lumberjacks. Okay? Gotta have lumberjacks.

And then we’re gonna put across-the-board 150% tariffs on everything-employees, customers, lumberjacks-and those trees we just cut down? They’re paying for all of it. And those trees are also gonna pay for the wall. We’re gonna weave all the walls together and the tariffs will pay for it. And the walls, right? They think they’re so innocent? Well. The walls are gonna pay for all the tariffs. Every last one. Yes they will. We’ll weave all the tariffs to the walls.

And there’s not gonna be any sharks or electricity.

Not this time.

They did such terrible things to us. The sharks. The electricity. We can’t have that again. 

We’re gonna build the walls around them out of groceries.

Groceries . . . ancient word . . . for ancient materials . . . going all the way back to the 2012 Mayans, actually . . . that was a great season wasn’t it? Ah, my God, they were beautiful, weren’t they? Those 2012 Mayans really went all the way. Oh, sure . . . but me, I just watched it for the ads-you know, the ads are always the best part of the Super Bowl . . . because we’re all customers in the end . . . and if you don’t have those ads how do you know how to be a customer? You can’t do it. Go ahead. Give it a shot. You can’t do it. I couldn’t even do it. Ah, my God, if only I could be one of those 2012 Mayans. Put me in, Coach, put me right in it . . . Coaches are very good at building walls, too, bet you didn’t know that-nobody knows . . . nobody knows how full I am . . . with ideas, I’m an ideas guy . . . that’s all . . .

I’m like an adult diaper.

Always full, or, you know, in the process of filling up.

Always filling it up, I’m just a generous guy.

You know.

I fill it, but I’m still full. 

How does that even work?

Must be those magnets.

Ah, my God . . .

But we’ll tariff those magnets.

You’ll see.

Diaper will pay for it.

Ah, my Diaper . . .

You provide for everything, a big, beautiful diaper, nothing to worry about.

Gonna put a big, beautiful wall up around that diaper.

God will pay for it.

Especially once we tariff God. 

He’s been ripping us off since the beginning.

He took away our Golden Calf. 

How do you even do that?

I’ll bet that’s in the JFK files.

We’ll have JFK pay for the God Wall.

He’s not even doing anything, just lying there, in the ground, at rest-I wish I had time for a nap.

You know what we’re going to do?

We’re going put some work requirements on if you want to be in the graveyard. 

Yes, we will.

Big, beautiful work requirements for the dirt nap. 

Diaper God will pay for it.

And by the way . . . I’m cancelling JFK’s security detail. He’s a big, strong, handsome man. Everybody says so. They said, “Camelot, Camelot.” With the sword and everything. But what about Merlin? Remember Merlin? He’s got a magic bike. We’ll tariff that bike. Merlin’ll pay for it. 

And it’s not Gulf of Mexico anymore. It’s gonna be renamed the Gulf of Diapermerica. And Mexico will pay for it. Yes they will. And we’re gonna load that Diapermerica up with some bad dumps. I’ll always be full. No matter how many times I fill up that Diapermerica. You better believe it. 

Ah, my Diapermerica.

I’m gonna load you up.

From sea to shining to sea will pay for it.

THINGS NEVER SAID #41:

“Dude, my bathtub brew Ozempic can’t be beat. Not in terms of flavor or prices. You may as well take your prescription paperwork on over to the abandoned Service Merchandise and try to trade ‘em for a carousel CD player from the ghosts over there. I hear they use their poltergeist powers to keep that conveyor belt cranking. Truly, an authentic retro retail experience, Big Dawg.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #166:

IN A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS, GOD-LONG THOUGHT TO BE DEAD BY MATERIALIST PHILOSOPHERS-FOUND SMOKING WEED IN HIS HONDA.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #64:

An empire that used to be a hole in the ground.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #11:

If you play a Charles Bronson movie backwards it becomes an episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#3)

. . . for the death of the American shopping mall. Those things were my favorite places to shoplift, deal drugs, and produce camcorder bootlegs of Hollywood blockbusters.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 59

 

THINGS NEVER SAID #40:

“You think the scene is hot at Service Merchandise? With the conveyor belt? Woo boy, I tell you what-things are positively jumping at Montgomery Ward. No conveyor belt necessary. Because Wards is no longer anchored by physical locationality. It’s gone Full Namesake. Ethereal. Ubiquitous. Online. You can party in any direction with that E-commerce action, friend. You can party in all directions. Forever.”

THE NEW SIGNAGE #15:

NOW ENTERING BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC BORN OF THE AMBITIOUS MEGALOMANIA OF A COMIC OPERA COLONEL. ROADS MAY BE IN DISREPAIR. HAVE BRIBES READY AT ALL TIMES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #27:

A roster is just a rooster whose soul has been stolen.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #63:

A hole in the ground that used to be an empire.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #10:

If someone’s too cool for school send ‘em back to school anyways. They’ll never see it coming.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #165:

SHEEN OF FLOP SWEAT LOOKING TO RELOCATE FROM TRUMP’S FACE CITING ‘SERIOUS CONCERNS ABOUT BEING ASSOCIATED WITH EXTREME CORRUPTION.’

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 58

 

F.A.Q. #14:

Q: Who is your favorite video game character?

A: Moby the green haired girl from Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth. 

When I was a teenager I had a huge crush on Moby. She had a great look. She had that heavily armed transforming flying jet-tank-drill vehicle-basically, it’s like if you took a Jules Verne contraption and enhanced it with the Veritech system from Robotech. So, if you dated Moby no one would ever bother you-not dumbass cops, not regular army soldiers, not irregular terrorist militias, not giant rubbery monsters-no one could hassle you. But most importantly if you were dating Moby you wouldn’t even have to own a car. She’s got that covered and then some. 

I’m telling you, Moby’s the one!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #14:

NOW ENTERING NEWS DESERT.