BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #71:

 

Is it normal for me to live in fear of knife wielding crab’s power to stab me forever?

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #34: EARTH (1930)

Soviet collectivist propaganda veers into Simpsons-esque self-parody as immiserated peasant farmers glow with religious ecstasy upon the arrival of a messianic tractor.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #87:

 

A.I. DEEP FAKE FRANK ZAPPA SHADOW DROPS ALBUM OF COVERS OF EASY LISTENING CLASSICS.

NEW MERCH #2:

Presenting

SQUEEZY SERPENTS

Know the Future

Squeeze that Snake

It’s basically a big rubber snake filled with crimson corn syrup and chicken gizzards and one action figure. You squeeze on the rubber snake kinda like it’s a bigass tube of toothpaste, and you enjoy the sight of pretend blood’n’guts getting forced out of the snake’s mouth and at the end of this gory spectacle an action figure plops out like some hideous plastic newborn. The figure itself is supposed to be the Greek god Apollo . . . but the design is clearly stolen from Ultraman. Specifically, it’s the pose where Ultraman is flying up at the camera with the Beta Capsule in his raised hand from the 1960s TV show. The major difference is that a knockoff Magic Eight Ball has replaced the Beta Capsule. Even the Magic Eight Ball is half-assed, with only three answers: Yes, No, and Squeezer’s Choice. It sucks.

The only redeeming feature of this junk is that every time you ask Apollo’s Magic Eight Ball a question there’s a nonzero chance that a freshly skinned musician will come staggering out of nowhere to scare the shit out of you. Apparently, Apollo was known for being super competitive at the open mics back in the day. At any rate, once the skinned musician dies of their wounds you can butcher their corpse to make fresh snake guts so’s you can enjoy squeezing out the oracular deity all over again.

Honestly, Squeezy Serpent is way more hassle than it’s worth. It makes a big damn mess, and kids will be freaked out by the freshly skinned musicians. I only bought it because I collect Ultraman merch, and, admittedly, the action figure component is an intriguing, if unauthorized, variant on the official design. So, sadly, I can only recommend Squeezy Serpent to my fellow UltraFans.

4 out of 10.

Very disappointing.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #6:

I’m so tragic I make comedy cry!

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #33: GODZILLA MINUS ONE/MINUS COLOR (2024)

When you wish upon Godzilla, your dreams really do come true.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #86:

ADAPTATION OF DOUGLAS COUPLAND’S MICROSERFS ANNOUNCED AS NEW CYBERPUNK 2077 DLC.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #85:

BOWTIE BRAWLERS DOMINATE ROTINI RENEGADES IN KITCHEN RUMBLE.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #84:

IN A SIGN OF EASING TENSIONS, NATURE AND VACUUM ISSUE JOINT STATEMENT: “ABHORRENCE IS NOT THE WAY.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #83:

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS CLOUD V SEPHIROTH. SEPHIROTH’S LEGAL TEAM SAYS, “OUR CLIENT HAS ALWAYS MAINTAINED THEY WOULD NEVER BE A MEMORY. TODAY, WE ARE VINDICATED.”

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #22:

I’ve hooked my brain up to the rubber ducky factory.

I imagine the rubber ducky, and the factory instantly assembles a rubber ducky as per my brain signals.

That’s how I unite rubber ducky idealism with rubber ducky materialism. 

Ha!

Dontcha’ just love how I pierce that membrane? 

Dontcha’ just love how I render that borderline useless?

Uwee-hee-hee-hee!

Oh, yes.

Nothing finer on a day of hump.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #7:

Humpday Theme: Humpin’ Around by Bobby Brown

Not much to say on this one.

The first time I heard it . . . I just knew.

It’s pretty much self-explanatory.

Sometimes, y’know, you just can’t beat congruence.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #82:

SUPER MARIO BROS./THE LAST OF US CROSSOVER PROMISES TO EXPLORE THE NUANCES OF CHOOSING TO TRUST-OR NOT TRUST-THE FUNGUS.

BENIGN AND/OR INANE CONSPIRACIES #8:

There’s a secret version of Star Trek-that they don’t want you to see-wherein Spock alternates saying “Captain” with “Craptain.” Every now and again Kirk gets a strange look on his face like he’s about to take Spock to task for fucking with him . . . but then he lets it go to attend to the cosmic crises of the moment. What’s weird is that there’s no resolution as to why Spock’s switching up the words. It’s not even clear if Spock himself is aware of this behavior. This has led many obsessive Trekkies to speculate about the existence of a “suppressed episode”-possibly scripted by Harlan Ellison-that explores Spock’s alternation of “Captain” with “Craptain.” Some have even gone so far as to speculate that this all has to do with Spock’s repressed human side-that “Craptain” is a way for him to vent his resentment for constantly denying his emotions in the name of duty in a near subconscious manner. 

Of course, no one really knows.

It’s all just a shadow of a fart’s rumor on the wind!

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #5:

I hack so good cabbies hail me for a ride!

PEOPLE GET MAD . . . (#13)

. . . when they watch Who’s the Boss? looking for answers only to end up angry at bogus authority, and then they get mad when they realize they’re on their own because the True Boss lies within themselves.

People get mad.

GENERATIVE A.I. PITCHES #3:

Junji Ito Michael Jackson Freight Elevator Axiomatics

BONUS FUN: Add in the word ‘Fraudulent.’

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #21:

Rubber ducky is back to being the one.

I no longer have to settle for a notional rubber ducky within my imagination.

I’ve got the damn thing in my hands-yes!

I can make it go to war against all my other action figures-and win. 

A rubber ducky in the hand is surely worth two mental rubber duckies at the very least. 

Fuck idealism.

Hooray materialism.

For this day of hump.

ONE LINE MOVIE REVIEWS #32: SALTBURN (2023)

In this masterclass of congruence, a wealthy, over-privileged director makes a movie about wealthy, over-privileged people.

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #4:

 

I’m so venomous evangelical snake handlers bite me!

TWO WORDS . . .

 . . . EDIBLE SCREEN . . .

. . . how in the hell is this not standard on all mobile devices?

I know not the answer.

But I know who to ask.

Whistles.

Yo!

Time-Life!

I think it’s high time you publish a new volume of Mysteries of the Unknown. I need to know why edible screens haven’t yet become a thing. You can put that UFO bullshit on the backburner for the nonce. This new thing’s really puzzling up the place. So get on the stick!

Heh, heh, heh . . . that’ll do it . . .

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #6:

Wacky Crisis Theme: Flip City by Glenn Frey (Ghostbusters II OST)

This is the theme that plays when there’s an intense, yet non-serious, crisis gripping the city. It could be poltergeists fucking with the nightly news broadcast, distorting the signal, making the anchorpersons look like psychedelic Video Toaster-ized talking rhinoceroses. It could be gremlins derailing subway cars without killing anyone. Maybe talking dogs are organizing their human owners into a gang of obedient thieves in an inversion of The Doberman Gang. Maybe a talking dog has brainwashed its human owner to go out and shoot people . . .with a Super Soaker or a Nerf rocket launcher or a t-shirt cannon-a family friendly riff on the Son of Sam, y’know? Maybe a terrorist sets off a bomb that makes everyone’s underwear appear on the outside of their clothes like Superman. Or all the elevators stop working while a cyclical “improv fad” is burning through the population and the groups of people stuck in elevators all bond and decide to form improvisation troupes when they’re finally rescued-and, indeed, when they are freed from their elevators that’s when the real crisis begins as the city is overcome by a shitty improv comedy plague which can only be resolved by special agents in mechsuits who have no choice but to rubble the city to root out the infection with chest mounted death rays and shoulder rocket pods and huge steel fists and bigass vulcan cannons-one of them thar “it was necessary to destroy the city in order to save it” type of deals. 

Trifling shit.

Nothing heavy, nothing tragic.

Family fuckin’ friendly, y’know?

Sure you do!

PRODUCT-ON-PRODUCT ACTION.

 

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #20:

Rubber ducky no longer being the one.

Because now I have a rubber ducky of the mind.

Fuck materialism.

Hooray idealism.

For this day of hump.

THE CONFLICTING LOAVES OF SELF.

 

 

Sliced bread better look to its laurels!

NEW MISSION PARAMETERS RUNNING . . .

 

THE NEW PARADIGMS IN BRAGGING RIGHTS #3:

I’m so hardworking that a month of Sundays told me to go ahead and take Mondays off, too!

THINGS NEVER SAID #9:

“Get your stinkin’ free key chain outta my face you damn dirty robot!”

HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #19:

I like it when a great filmmaker has such a long career that they end up accidentally making a movie that’s already been made.

My favorite example comes from Steven Spielberg, who, a few years ago, directed West Side Story . . . a movie that already exists!

Oh, Steven, you darn fool kid . . . I’m guessing you were a victim of your own success. You’ve made so many wonderful movies over the years, and had so much acclaim that no one in your inner circle was willing to whisper in your ear, “Um, sorry Mr. Spielberg, but they already made a West Side Story movie back in 1961. I know how you get so enthusiastic about your movie making and such. But if you go and make this movie then people will probably just assume it’s one of them thar recordings of a live musical they schedule on low traffic days as opposed to a full-on proper movie, and the thing’ll most likely turbo bomb at the box office. Sorry sir, but we should probably make a movie that hasn’t already been made.”

Yeah . . . you just don’t tell Steven Spielberg what to do. I know I wouldn’t.

Ah, cinema!

Ah, humanity!

Moments later, William is robbed at gunpoint by that Bartleby asshole.

Say . . . Spielberg could have made a movie outta that old Herman Melville story . . . not Moby-Dick . . . not Billy Budd . . . the hell was it called . . . The Mysterious Stranger . . . no, that was Mark Twain . . . hell, this is gonna bother me all week!

Man . . . this is definitely one fucked-up Humpday, isn’t it?

Yup.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #81:

IN A SIGN OF TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES, ARISTOTLE’S UNMOVED MOVER TAKES ON JOB AS A CUSTOMER SERVICE REP AT UHAUL.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #21:

REMEMBER: IF YOU FIND THE FISHING MINIGAME TOO TEDIOUS TO ENDURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE OPTION OF PURCHASING BURGER AND FRIES WITH SODA AND/OR SHAKE AT THE DRIVE THRU LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO.