THERE’S NOTHING WORTH WATCHING ON STREAMING OR IN THE THEATERS. A GLOBAL WARMING DEATH HEAT ARENA HAS MANIFESTED OVER MUCH OF THE USA. I SIT IN SHADOWS, SUN AVOIDANT, AND CONJURE A NOTIONAL MOVIE COMPLETE WITH A DRAMATIC PRODUCTION HISTORY AND A WEE BIT O’DISCOURSE SURROUNDING IT JUST TO AMUSE MYSELF . . .
this one has to do
with the relatively obscure movie released in North America as Millennial Bitch
allegedly directed by cult favorite D.D. Hagtow,
but word is it was all micromanaged by the producer
Hagtow himself was allegedly strung out on heroin, and so leased his name to the production to lend it some specious marketability
Hagtow has never commented on the production,
nor has anyone asked him about it on the record
that I could find
the title Millennial Bitch presumably refers to a gauzy Euro horror vampire lady who appears in the film
mostly nude
giving hypnosis eyes directly into camera
clawed fingers reaching for our face, eyes
but mostly
it centers on an American businessman
played by the “God of Blogging” and Shindig Institute Founder-For-Life William D. Tucker
Tucker’s character is referred to as Tucker or Mr. Tucker
and the majority of the cast are non-actors roped into the production by producer Montalban Sigurnjak II
who
apparently
just asked all of his wealthy business friends from Germany, France, Canada, California, Singapore, Japan, and Australia to act as more or less themselves
and the pretty lady who plays the nude vampire woman was a tall fitness model Sigurnjak planned to marry at the time
the plot’s a mess
we spend an interminable stretch trapped in a limo on its way to a Tokyo luxury hotel with Tucker and his aide-de-camp Richter Beaumont
as Tucker boozily natters on about the impending ‘97 handover of Hong Kong
eventually
he installs his Third Nostril
so he can “turbo blast these rails”
triggering a storm of coke-babel
in which
Tucker speculates on the possibility of a terrorist attack on New York City during the passage from ‘99 to ‘00, and struggles to remember the name of Osama Bin Laden-”he got a major fuckin’ Ted Turner network interview, did great fuckin’ numbers-what’s his fuckin’ name? Orinthal Bob Lazar? No. Bob Lazar was the fuckin’ UFO dude. Something with a fuckin’ B and a goddamn L? Fuck was it? Obitus Bjorn Lomax? No, fuck me, that can’t be it . . .”
Richter corrects him, thus setting a pattern
Tucker’s a flake,
Richter’s in the know,
and while this banter is modestly amusing
it fatefully wears down into empty prattle
basically, Kmart brand Don Delillo
with a smattering of cyberpunky gimmicks
sports-padded dystopian future soldiers on every street corner looking like they just stepped out of a Q-Zar laser tag championship
portable “speak-a-deak” screens that can also function as grenades-bomb phones, essentially, that don’t do shit against the vampire lady, but you get to see a couple of hedge fund managers get blasted to giblets
yes, it’s allegedly a period piece
yes, it adds impenetrable alternate history scifi elements
something to do with Tucker having an inside track on a Beijing Communist Party official that’ll allow him to use leverage against a Hong Kong real estate mogul post-handover so he can establish a “psionic weaponry” R&D facility in anticipation of a vaguely defined looming threat set to manifest January 1, 2000
no, it doesn’t amount to much
yes, the historical-political commentary is mostly inane
sure, when the vampire lady shows up to massacre the conclave of wealthy elites it picks up
the money is on the screen
Richter reveals himself to be a vampire hunter who has purposefully concentrated “the avarice of millennial capitalism” in one place to draw the vampire lady out of hiding to facilitate a Blade-esque one-on-one duel inside and outside the luxury hotel
and sure
the practical efx are on point
but the Aaron Sorkin-esque sense of phony prognostication is even duller and more sanctimonious than actual Aaron Sorkin
of course
it was a troubled production
originally
Tucker was supposed to be on a “Taste Test Tour” of underground sex clubs in which an endless parade of prostitutes would sit on his face while the vampire lady stalks the businessman from the shadows
but one of Sigurnjak’s financial friends was a conservative Christian who did not wish to be associated with “pornography”
even if the content was strictly softcore
strictly simulated
I mean, you could make an argument that the moment when the gauzy vampire lady rips out the Big Pharma CEO’s heart through his asshole is the most graphic scene of “penetration” . . . but it probably doesn’t get you too hot, does it
so the face-sitting bits were cut
and everything had to be rewritten, reshot,
and then Tucker objected to being killed along with the other businessmen,
so that had to be changed
an emergency reshoot
made it so Tucker slips out under cover of vampire chaos
leading to an epilogue in which he wanders into a back alley music venue
thereby allowing the credits to play over a live set by A Brontosaurus In Sheboygan
a band some have claimed was invented for the shoot
so they could have a “music from and inspired by” CD to market
but this is disputed
since no official soundtrack album ever dropped
overall,
I think Millennial Bitch is trying to position itself as part of the Eat-the-Rich cycle of anti-capitalist satires
bankrolled
of course
by a man of vast wealth and privilege
leading some to interpret the whole endeavor as some kind of an elaborate auto-flagellation ass-whipping kink deal on the part of Sigurnjak
or maybe it’s just a big tax write-off
but
you know
movies
even crappy ones
cost a lot
someone’s gotta foot the bill
so
you know
A for effort
now for a “post-credits scene”
the long-delayed multi-format physical media release of Millennial Bitch will be through Tucker’s own Cinespersal label
Tucker acquired the rights after Sigurnjak got bankrupted in his divorce from the vampire lady
so you can pay sixty bucks for that in the fullness of time
something to look forward to
. . . EVEN IN THE SHADOWS, THE HEAT FINDS ME. I HOWL. I CHARGE FORTH TO MEET THE SUN IN ONE-TO-ONE COMBAT . . .
