HECKLER'S DOCTRINE #7:

. . . he’s on his shirtless Florida Man bullshit again. Triggered by something on FOX News or Truth Social or what have you. Burned his own house down so he doesn’t have to pay the taxes. Took a baseball bat to all the mailboxes up and down the street to protest the Postal Service or something. Claims that 9/11 wasn’t just an inside job, but that it was an outside volunteer position. Peak Logic, amirite? Neighbors called the cops. Cops reluctant to work during a heat wave, they even cite all their poor fitness assessments, like you’d whip out a doctor’s note to excuse your absences in high school. The shirtless nuisance starts smashing all his own property-Playstation 5, plasma screen, furniture, smoke alarms-with his baseball bat, rails against Big Gubmint, gets into all sorts of racist and sexist paranoia, even recites his divorce fan fiction epic-written in a compelling mixture of prose and verse-which does fool some people into thinking he was ever married in the first place so A-4-Effort at a minimum for this walking wreck raging in the streets. Sadly, due to the heat wave turbocharged by irreversible global warming he ends up spontaneously combusting. He isn’t missed by his neighbors. Ivy League venture capitalists turned Appalachian autobiographers aren’t even aware of his existence. God, strictly speaking, didn’t even sign the Hell and Damnation order due to His filming an upcoming season of one of those The Bachelorette knock-offs-it’s already leaked online that He got rejected in the first go-around! Which seems sad, right? But then you remember what Margaret Thatcher-the Secret Mother of All Capitalism’s Lost Sons-once said about how there’s no such thing as society, and then everything’s okay again. Like you’ve just been bathed in mother’s milk-nay! Ambrosia . . . a post credits scene depicts our man enjoying his heavenly reward: being forever degraded-verbal abuse, electrocution, the hose, the lockbox, trench warfare-by a gang of stern fathers costumed in comic opera colonel uniforms-I dunno. All this post credits extended cinematic universe crap’s kinda played out . . .