“Save the world? What? Me? There’s a sword in a stone I gotta get my hands around? And then I gotta kill hordes of monsters and soldiers and dragons and demons and angels and gods whose deaths will power me up? So’s I can bring down the Evil Empire? Really? Slaughter that makes me strong up to the point of being like a god? And then I get to kill God in a one-on-one duel? This is what you’re calling me to do? Uhhhh . . . okay, I guess . . . but what about this bag of fast food? Why can’t I just strong up by eating these five roast beef’n’cheddars for $5.99? That’s a big protein hit isn’t it? That should strong me up real good, shouldn’t it? If I do that, uhhhh, then like I shouldn’t have to go on a worldwide killing spree, right? And I got this can of soda-right here-same as you saw in that commercial where the girl gives the can to that riot cop? Brings peace to the valley or whatever? Like, that’s some Pepsi Proper Peacemaking-give that girl a job at the, uh, the United Nations-or did they already do that? I should look that up. But like . . . they wouldn’t put . . . that in a commercial if it was a lie, now, would they? Consumerism, like, I know people bag on it, but, like . . . everybody I know buys stuff. Red state. Blue state. Marvel fans. DC fans. Star Wars. Star Trek. And that consumerism stuff’s been around since before I was born, okay, so, uh, it must be working? Voting with, uh, with, like, my dollars? Even political campaigns have to, y’know, spend millions to get those votes, right? And that’s, ah, like, the Supreme Court-they basically made Cash American into the whole, y’know, free speech thing, didn’t they? So, uhhh, I don’t actually have to take up arms against some, uhhhh, Evil Empire . . . do I? I mean, I guess what I’m trying to say, like, it isn’t just today that I’m busy with food intake stuff and beverage intake stuff-this is, when it gets down to it, very intensely integrated into my day-in-day-out along with, of course, job things and, ahhh, bathroom breaks-especially with these roast beef’n’cheddars, you don’t want to rush those along else they’ll tear you apart, speed kills, right . . . and, ah, ah, ah, sleep, uhhhh, you know . . . I gotta make time for tweets, too, gotta make time for that . . . YouTube, of course, I got so many videos on that that I haven’t even watched yet-and new uploads every day, so, um, I’m not sure . . . when or how . . . I’m supposed to, as you put it, answer this call to adventure. I’m not trying to sound self-important . . . but I am very definitely, as they say, booked solid.”
