THINGS NEVER SAID #17:

“Pat Sajak can’t retire. If he retires, like, that would be like the, uh, the last vestige of wildness just, like, cashing in its chips. Accepting the big gold watch. And retreating deep into some, you know, some mansion of sloth. Can’t happen. You ever see a wolf driving a golf cart? No, you don’t. You see the wolf out there, running free, the rabbit in its jaws, man, fangs deep in it. No, Pat Sajak . . . he’s like the last of the true wolves. I swear, that Wheel of Fortune? Like it was the same every episode . . . but, like, not the same. Because just when you’re relaxing into the format-shkrazzshoww!!-that gleam would catch you-that wild wolf gleam surging forth from the Eyes of Sajak. And you’d sit up a little straighter. Face front. Ready for Omni-Action. Ready to ride, uh, just all in on riding that Wheel. Wherever it takes you. So, no, I don’t buy it. Sajak can’t retire. All the giants have left the building-but you can’t take the wolf from me. I won’t let you. Act of will. Total focus. A next level prayer. We must have the wolf, and the wolf’s wildness. We must have Sajak.”