BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #84:

That girl with the guitar in the DoorDash commercial . . . is she still working for DoorDash?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 48

 

TO ALL THE ROBOTS #4:

I don’t like the idea of having all my blog writing hoovered up as part of some A.I. training regimen . . . but I am amused by the fact that an A.I. will basically think that every last thing I’ve written is literally true. 

Sweet dreams and hallucinations to all you robots!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #147:

CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS BANKING ON AUSTERITY-INDUCED POVERTY AND SICKNESS-DUE TO HEALTHCARE CUTS-TO SUPPRESS FUTURE VOTER TURNOUT.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #4:

Spending a quiet weekend attempting to craft sustainability policy while Republicans burn down the federal government from the inside.

What can I say?

I freak off for that problem solving action . . .

MENTAL BEAM LASER #4:

Q: Can I use Mental Beam Laser to remove Neil Gaiman blurbs from dust jackets and paperback covers?

A: Yes, you can. Mental Beam Laser gives you that power, my friend!

THE NEW OBVIOUS #24:

I should’ve been a failed Republican presidential candidate so I could subsequently get hired as a vacuous chattering head conservative commentator on CNN, FOX, etc.

Helluva afterlife, that . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #5:

Jack Nance in Twin Peaks saying, “Wrapped in plastic,”

combined with

Jack Nance in Wild at Heart saying, ”My dog barks some,”

now that’s entertainment!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #51:

A cheeseburger that prefers wearing tailored omelets for red carpet appearances.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 47

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #146:

PUTIN SPOKESMAN DONALD TRUMP FALSELY BLAMES UKRAINE FOR STARTING WAR.

THINGS NEVER SAID #31:

“Sounds like a real peachy pooper of a jam band gathering, comrade!”

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #7:

Picture inside your mind the Earth remade in your image.

Basically, the planet becomes a bust of your head.

Now, imagine all the people of Earth as thoughts running through your gigantic brain. See how they wage war against each other . . . do you find yourself agonizing over what brand of corn flakes or detergent you should buy?

Observe how they cooperate . . . are you having an unusually productive day?

Note how natural disasters, wars, and plagues wipe out whole sections of your thinking . . . now you’ve got fever and chills . . . and you better write stuff down! You probably won’t be able to write down every last thought. Things will get lost along the way. But if you’re diligent enough you can write down a lot of things . . . make it into a book proposal, even . . . “One planet’s inspirational saga of resilience” . . . “My personal journey into alien abduction” . . . “A Book of Revelation for the New Era” . . . “Quick and easy grilling for the family on the go” . . . shit like that . . .

Uh-oh! Here comes a giant meteor . . . boy this car crash is really expensive!

A new species evolves . . . you’ve changed, haven’t you? Not in an obvious way. But subtly. Change can steer you in a new direction. Subtly. Like you didn’t even notice ‘til your therapist pointed out that pattern . . .

Ups and downs. Fate and/or free will. You are the planet. Yes you. You’re the whole world. You and all your tiny, boring shit.

In the fullness of time, out-of-control climate inferno kills off all your “thoughts,” makes you uninhabitable . . . incapable of further thoughts . . . alas . . . if only you could’ve let go of your obsession with politicians and pop stars jetting all over the Earth . . . if only you could’ve let go of the dream of every last person tooling about in gas-guzzling, carbon-polluting SUVs . . . if only you could’ve given a few thoughts to sustainability . . . alas . . . and oops . . . 

Now, inside your mind . . . all is furious burning . . . visions of dragons of fire crashing into each other, merging flames, all is howling . . . this is The New Thought of All Times . . .

It’s also . . . fun you can have.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #145:

THIS IS THE DELUXE DAY OF HEADLINES . . . TRUMP AND MUSK CLAIM FLIPPED PLANE TO BE “IN TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS.” IN RELATED NEWS, THE FAA IS SLATED TO BE ENTIRELY SCRAPPED, AND REPLACED WITH “AN INTUITIVE AEROSPACIAL REGIME” IN WHICH HIGHLY TECHNICAL FLIGHT TRAINING WILL BE REPLACED WITH COMEDY IMPROV AND ALT-RIGHT MEME PROPAGATION WORKSHOPS. AEROSPACE SAFETY EXPERTS ANTICIPATE A “NEW DARK AGE OF PREVENTABLE DISASTERS,” WHILE A TRUMP/MUSK SPOKESMAN PROMISED “A MORE EXCITING END-USER EXPERIENCE AKIN TO A BLOCKBUSTER ACTION MOVIE” . . . AFTER A MASS FIRING OF U.S. NUCLEAR WEAPONS PERSONNEL THERE HAS BEEN A CONSIDERABLE UPTICK IN DARK WEB AUCTIONS FOR “OFF-THE-BACK-OF-THE-TRUCK” ATOMICS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS A GLUT OF SUBURBAN BEER DRINKER ASSHOLES COMPLAINING ABOUT STAR WARS ON YOUTUBE. ANALYSTS WHO PREVIOUSLY PREDICTED A PLATEAU NOW SAY THERE’S NO DISCERNIBLE END IN SIGHT . . .

THE NEW DREAM #38:

here it is 

superflattened

on paper

coffee stain on the nuclear airburst

i’m cutting it out

making it the centerpiece of a triptych

of history grappled

subdued

doom of the species sublimated into art

averted

keep telling myself that