THIS IS THE DELUXE DAY OF HEADLINES . . . TRUMP AND MUSK CLAIM FLIPPED PLANE TO BE “IN TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS.” IN RELATED NEWS, THE FAA IS SLATED TO BE ENTIRELY SCRAPPED, AND REPLACED WITH “AN INTUITIVE AEROSPACIAL REGIME” IN WHICH HIGHLY TECHNICAL FLIGHT TRAINING WILL BE REPLACED WITH COMEDY IMPROV AND ALT-RIGHT MEME PROPAGATION WORKSHOPS. AEROSPACE SAFETY EXPERTS ANTICIPATE A “NEW DARK AGE OF PREVENTABLE DISASTERS,” WHILE A TRUMP/MUSK SPOKESMAN PROMISED “A MORE EXCITING END-USER EXPERIENCE AKIN TO A BLOCKBUSTER ACTION MOVIE” . . . AFTER A MASS FIRING OF U.S. NUCLEAR WEAPONS PERSONNEL THERE HAS BEEN A CONSIDERABLE UPTICK IN DARK WEB AUCTIONS FOR “OFF-THE-BACK-OF-THE-TRUCK” ATOMICS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS A GLUT OF SUBURBAN BEER DRINKER ASSHOLES COMPLAINING ABOUT STAR WARS ON YOUTUBE. ANALYSTS WHO PREVIOUSLY PREDICTED A PLATEAU NOW SAY THERE’S NO DISCERNIBLE END IN SIGHT . . .
