GOOD MORNING. HERE ARE THE HEADLINES . . . TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER MANDATING THAT ALL CITIZENS BE REQUIRED TO “REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT-LIKE, ALOT ALOT” . . . ECONOMISTS PREDICT LOOMING TRADE WAR TO CAUSE TURBO-RECESSION, MASS UNEMPLOYMENT, AND SURGE IN FUTURE SALES OF HISTORICALLY DUBIOUS NOVELS ROMANTICIZING AMERICAN RESILIENCE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY . . . BILL ADVANCES IN CONGRESS TO REQUIRE CHRISTIAN GOSPELS TO WIDEN THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE TO ALLOW SCUMBAG OLIGARCHS TO FIT THROUGH THAT SUCKER . . .
