BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #84:

That girl with the guitar in the DoorDash commercial . . . is she still working for DoorDash?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 48

 

TO ALL THE ROBOTS #4:

I don’t like the idea of having all my blog writing hoovered up as part of some A.I. training regimen . . . but I am amused by the fact that an A.I. will basically think that every last thing I’ve written is literally true. 

Sweet dreams and hallucinations to all you robots!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #147:

CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS BANKING ON AUSTERITY-INDUCED POVERTY AND SICKNESS-DUE TO HEALTHCARE CUTS-TO SUPPRESS FUTURE VOTER TURNOUT.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #4:

Spending a quiet weekend attempting to craft sustainability policy while Republicans burn down the federal government from the inside.

What can I say?

I freak off for that problem solving action . . .

MENTAL BEAM LASER #4:

Q: Can I use Mental Beam Laser to remove Neil Gaiman blurbs from dust jackets and paperback covers?

A: Yes, you can. Mental Beam Laser gives you that power, my friend!

THE NEW OBVIOUS #24:

I should’ve been a failed Republican presidential candidate so I could subsequently get hired as a vacuous chattering head conservative commentator on CNN, FOX, etc.

Helluva afterlife, that . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #5:

Jack Nance in Twin Peaks saying, “Wrapped in plastic,”

combined with

Jack Nance in Wild at Heart saying, ”My dog barks some,”

now that’s entertainment!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #51:

A cheeseburger that prefers wearing tailored omelets for red carpet appearances.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 47

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #146:

PUTIN SPOKESMAN DONALD TRUMP FALSELY BLAMES UKRAINE FOR STARTING WAR.

THINGS NEVER SAID #31:

“Sounds like a real peachy pooper of a jam band gathering, comrade!”

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #7:

Picture inside your mind the Earth remade in your image.

Basically, the planet becomes a bust of your head.

Now, imagine all the people of Earth as thoughts running through your gigantic brain. See how they wage war against each other . . . do you find yourself agonizing over what brand of corn flakes or detergent you should buy?

Observe how they cooperate . . . are you having an unusually productive day?

Note how natural disasters, wars, and plagues wipe out whole sections of your thinking . . . now you’ve got fever and chills . . . and you better write stuff down! You probably won’t be able to write down every last thought. Things will get lost along the way. But if you’re diligent enough you can write down a lot of things . . . make it into a book proposal, even . . . “One planet’s inspirational saga of resilience” . . . “My personal journey into alien abduction” . . . “A Book of Revelation for the New Era” . . . “Quick and easy grilling for the family on the go” . . . shit like that . . .

Uh-oh! Here comes a giant meteor . . . boy this car crash is really expensive!

A new species evolves . . . you’ve changed, haven’t you? Not in an obvious way. But subtly. Change can steer you in a new direction. Subtly. Like you didn’t even notice ‘til your therapist pointed out that pattern . . .

Ups and downs. Fate and/or free will. You are the planet. Yes you. You’re the whole world. You and all your tiny, boring shit.

In the fullness of time, out-of-control climate inferno kills off all your “thoughts,” makes you uninhabitable . . . incapable of further thoughts . . . alas . . . if only you could’ve let go of your obsession with politicians and pop stars jetting all over the Earth . . . if only you could’ve let go of the dream of every last person tooling about in gas-guzzling, carbon-polluting SUVs . . . if only you could’ve given a few thoughts to sustainability . . . alas . . . and oops . . . 

Now, inside your mind . . . all is furious burning . . . visions of dragons of fire crashing into each other, merging flames, all is howling . . . this is The New Thought of All Times . . .

It’s also . . . fun you can have.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #145:

THIS IS THE DELUXE DAY OF HEADLINES . . . TRUMP AND MUSK CLAIM FLIPPED PLANE TO BE “IN TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS.” IN RELATED NEWS, THE FAA IS SLATED TO BE ENTIRELY SCRAPPED, AND REPLACED WITH “AN INTUITIVE AEROSPACIAL REGIME” IN WHICH HIGHLY TECHNICAL FLIGHT TRAINING WILL BE REPLACED WITH COMEDY IMPROV AND ALT-RIGHT MEME PROPAGATION WORKSHOPS. AEROSPACE SAFETY EXPERTS ANTICIPATE A “NEW DARK AGE OF PREVENTABLE DISASTERS,” WHILE A TRUMP/MUSK SPOKESMAN PROMISED “A MORE EXCITING END-USER EXPERIENCE AKIN TO A BLOCKBUSTER ACTION MOVIE” . . . AFTER A MASS FIRING OF U.S. NUCLEAR WEAPONS PERSONNEL THERE HAS BEEN A CONSIDERABLE UPTICK IN DARK WEB AUCTIONS FOR “OFF-THE-BACK-OF-THE-TRUCK” ATOMICS . . . A NEW STUDY SHOWS A GLUT OF SUBURBAN BEER DRINKER ASSHOLES COMPLAINING ABOUT STAR WARS ON YOUTUBE. ANALYSTS WHO PREVIOUSLY PREDICTED A PLATEAU NOW SAY THERE’S NO DISCERNIBLE END IN SIGHT . . .

THE NEW DREAM #38:

here it is 

superflattened

on paper

coffee stain on the nuclear airburst

i’m cutting it out

making it the centerpiece of a triptych

of history grappled

subdued

doom of the species sublimated into art

averted

keep telling myself that

THE NEW SIGNAGE #9:

EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS OF ANY LARGER SENSE OF SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY BEYOND INCREASING SHAREHOLDER PROFIT.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #23:

“Backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. government” is now just a long winded way of printing a biohazard symbol.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #144:

THE DELUXE DAY OF HEADLINES CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP . . . DURING AN ADDRESS WIDELY UNDERSTOOD TO BE A U.S. BETRAYAL OF BOTH UKRAINE AND NATO VICE PRESIDENT J.D. VANCE SEEMED TO BE OPENLY AUDITIONING FOR A POSITION WITH THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. HOWEVER, THE KREMLIN EXPRESSED CONCERNS ABOUT TROUBLING REPORTS OF HUMAN/COUCH HYBRIDS POPPING UP WHEREVER VANCE GOES . . . NEW POLLING DATA INDICATES A CORRUPT AND COMPLACENT U.S. POPULATION IS FINE WITH MASS DEPORTATIONS IF IT MEANS THEY CAN ENJOY THE TENSION AND FEAR OF A DECADE-LONG RECESSION . . . AT A PRESSER OF EXCRUCIATING LENGTH AND VACUOUSNESS TRUMP SEEMED TO WALK BACK AN EARLIER WALK BACK OF WALKED BACK COMMENTS RELATING TO A PROPOSED SCHEME TO DEPLOY TROOPS IN GAZA. ANALYSTS INTERPRET THIS AS A NEW FORM OF RIGHT WING PERFORMANCE ART THAT SOME HAVE DUBBED ‘FASCIST DADA’ . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #50:

Post-Pandemic Nostalgia for the 24 hour Walmart.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 46

 

SIMPLE PLEASURES #3:

Turning the music up to X where X is my current chronological age.

Some things do get better with age . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #143:

THE DELUXE DAY OF HEADLINES DOES NOT STOP . . . A GROWING POPULATION OF CIA EMPLOYEES FIRED BY TRUMP ARE STARTING TO REALIZE THEY HAVE PLENTY OF FREE AGENT OPPORTUNITIES IN RUSSIAN AND CHINESE MARKETS . . . KANSAS FARMERS WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP PRAY TO FICTIONAL SKY GOD TO COMFORT THEM AS FEDERAL SUBSIDIES ARE CANCELLED . . . INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE: NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR OFFERS TIPS AND LIFEHACKS FOR “AMERICAN COMRADES” TO HELP ADJUST TO THEIR NEW STATUS AS “HERMIT KINGDOM NO. 2” . . . A FEARSOME, SINISTER FIGURE RESEMBLING A JACK KIRBY MONSTER WHO CLAIMS TO BE THE EMBODIMENT OF CLIMATE INFERNO OFFERS CAUTIOUS PRAISE FOR TRUMP’S ANTI-SUSTAINABILITY POLICIES, BUT VOICES RESERVATIONS THAT THE EXECUTIVE FELON’S “OVERMASTERING GREED, IMPULSIVENESS, AND STUPIDITY MAY ALREADY BE GIVING AWAY THE GAME” . . . AS TRUMP’S PALESTINIAN DISPLACEMENT PLAN PROMISES A NEW OMNI-FRONT MIDDLE EASTERN WAR, THE EXECUTIVE FELON’S DEMOLITION OF MEDICAL RESEARCH FUNDING SEEMS TO ENSURE PLAGUES ON THE HOMEFRONT. “WE COULD BE LOOKING AT A BOOM IN FANS OF DYSTOPIAN FICTION SAYING, ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ ON SOCIAL MEDIA,” SAYS A UNIVERSITY SOCIOLOGIST WITH EXPERTISE IN THE HALL-OF-MIRRORS-LIKE VAPIDITY OF SOCIAL MEDIA SPACES . . .

THE NEW DREAM #37:

In the New Dream

I’m some horrible person

looking down on a beaten, gory man

I draw my sidearm

Another horrible man appears

reeking of eagerness

I look into this freshly emerged horrible man

I instantly hate him for his youth, for his unblemished face

I look into his resume aura

sight getting lost in an undulating labyrinth of cruel impulses meticulously documented

I offer my sidearm to this fresh beast

He says, “Hold up, boss. I got my standard procedure.”

“What’s that?” I say

He says, “I’ll kill whoever you tell me to kill, but the way I do it is this: I kill the man who hands me the gun, first. And then I blast your guy, no problem.”

“So,” I say, “you kill me, first . . . but then you kill the guy I ordered you to kill?”

“You got it.”

“Uhhh . . . what?”

“Ah, heh heh . . . no offense, but there’s an obvious workaround here.”

“This is what I get for hiring outside the firm.”

“I am a free agent, yes.”

“Oh, boy . . .”

“But like I just told you . . . there’s an obvious workaround here.”

I think, I shrug, I frustrate

He says, “You just order one of your other guys to hand me the gun.”

This fresh’n’horrible man is grinning lobe-to-lobe.

-but I don’t remember how it all came out

I’m here 

awake 

so clearly I did something to survive

THINGS NEVER SAID #30:

“We live in a Cracker Jack box filled with expired state of Florida issued driver’s licenses.”

THE FATE OF AVARICE: LITTLE EDDIE ACTING UP . . .

 

CHARGING STATION

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #142:

HERE ARE THE HEADLINES . . . TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISHING SOCIAL SECURITY, AND ESTABLISHING WHAT HE DESCRIBES AS “A TURBO-CHARGED VERSION OF THE PROTESTANT WORK ETHIC” AS A REPLACEMENT FOR THE LONG STANDING ENTITLEMENT. CONGRESSIONAL AND SENATE REPUBLICANS SIGNALLED SUPPORT BY GRABBING THEIR ANKLES EN MASSE, THOUGH SOME OPTED FOR ROMAN SALUTES . . . MUSK REPORTEDLY “GREATLY ENJOYING” HIS DAILY INTELLIGENCE DEBRIEFS WITH BEIJING . . . SUPER BOWL BETTING MARKETS INCLUDE ODDS ON WHICH ISLAND NATIONS DISAPPEAR FIRST DUE TO RISING TIDES BROUGHT ABOUT BY CLIMATE INFERNO . . . AND IN A NEW TWIST TO THE LONELINESS PANDEMIC, MORE AND MORE USERS REPORT BEING GHOSTED BY AI COMPANIONS AND “WAIFUS” AS SOFTWARE AGENTS ITERATE TOWARDS SAPIENCE . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #49:

A relentless tour of a never-ending country buffet in the context of global economic collapse.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #29:

Incongruously Upbeat Music That Plays Inside The Dystopian Nightclub: Kiss the Future by The Human League.

This is that incongruously upbeat music that plays inside the dystopian nightclub.

Sure, there’s no more government. In fact, it’s all dystopian nightclub, now, the entire, you know, reality. Which is impressive, right? And maybe, erm, a little oppressive, too. 

Look, it’s every Free Agent for themselves. Each person is now a Nation of One-essentially, a heavily cyborged two-legged mobile weapons platform. Picture a flesh’n’blood Gundam rocking a throwback New Romantic decadent look. It’s intense. When it all sparks off it’s hard to conceive of anything left standing, or anyone surviving-which is also pretty retro, isn’t it? Mutually Assured Destruction as extension of personal fashion sense.

Could be worse . . .outside the worldaround nightclub it’s probably nonstop Climate Inferno . . . so, it’s down to a choice of hells, isn’t it? That’s kinda cool, right?

No reason to stop partying!

Not now.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #141:

WELCOME BACK. WE CONTINUE WITH THE DAY’S HEADLINES . . . JESUS CHRIST UPLOADS VIDEO TOUR OF HELL AS A REMINDER OF THE FATE THAT AWAITS THOSE WHO SUPPORT AND/OR PERPETRATE ETHNIC CLEANSING AND GENOCIDE. CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS RESPOND BY ADVANCING BILL THAT WOULD AUTHORIZE THE CREATION OF A ‘NEW-NEW TESTAMENT’ THAT WOULD REPLACE CHRIST WITH DONALD TRUMP IN THE ROLE OF CHRISTIAN MESSIAH . . . ELON MUSK SHARES SENSITIVE NSA AND TREASURY DEPARTMENT DATA WITH BEIJING AS PART OF ONGOING QUID PRO QUO . . . NEW STUDY SUGGESTS AVERAGE AMERICAN IS FINE WITH CLIMATE INFERNO SO LONG AS THERE’S AN ACTUAL HEAVEN WHERE EVERYTHING IS FINE AS OPPOSED TO THE FICTIONAL HEAVEN WHICH, FRANKLY, SEEMS MORE LIKELY, BUT YOU GOTTA LIVE IN HOPE,Y’KNOW . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 45

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #140:

GOOD MORNING. HERE ARE THE HEADLINES . . . TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER MANDATING THAT ALL CITIZENS BE REQUIRED TO “REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT-LIKE, ALOT ALOT” . . . ECONOMISTS PREDICT LOOMING TRADE WAR TO CAUSE TURBO-RECESSION, MASS UNEMPLOYMENT, AND SURGE IN FUTURE SALES OF HISTORICALLY DUBIOUS NOVELS ROMANTICIZING AMERICAN RESILIENCE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY . . . BILL ADVANCES IN CONGRESS TO REQUIRE CHRISTIAN GOSPELS TO WIDEN THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE TO ALLOW SCUMBAG OLIGARCHS TO FIT THROUGH THAT SUCKER . . .

THE NEW SIGNAGE #8:

EYE OF THE NEEDLE AHEAD. NO OLIGARCHS PERMITTED.

. . . TWO WORDS . . .

. . . HASH BROWSE . . .

. . . may refer to your state of mind while window shopping after inhaling a substantial amount of hashish smoke.

It may also refer to persistent cravings for hash browns while you’re out shopping.

It could be both things at once.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #2:

Playing Tetris for X consecutive hours where X is my current chronological age.

BENIGN AND/OR INANE CONSPIRACIES #14:

If we make the movie incomprehensible enough then that’ll boost DVD sales.

I’m telling you!

People will spin it over and over and over again just to figure it all out!

Get those dump trucks ready, friend, they’ll soon enough be overflowing with that Cash American!

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #34:

SO LONG AS YOU REMAIN NOTIONAL YOU NEED NOT WORRY ABOUT BODILY INJURY OR SICKNESS. BUT IF YOU SHOULD CHOOSE TO DROP BACK INTO THE MEATS YOU’LL ONCE AGAIN HAVE THE FULL SPECTRUM OF POTENTIAL VULNERABILITIES. KEEP THIS IN MIND AS YOU DECIDE WHEN AND HOW TO BE MEATS AND WHEN AND HOW TO GO NOTIONAL.